University Professors Jokes
34 university professors jokes and hilarious university professors puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about university professors that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest University Professors Short Jokes
Short university professors jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The university professors humour may include short college professor jokes also.
- My university professor and Gandalf have a lot in common... ..they both say "You shall not pass!"
- What happens when a university math professor and a high school math teacher get it on? Calculust
- A University professor goes to his German doctor about a strange mole... "Ich bin ein doctor."
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University Professors One Liners
Which university professors one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with university professors? I can suggest the ones about professor and physics professor.
- Imagine if Hannibal was a university professor I'd love to go to a Hannibal Lecture!
- What did they call the treenut professor in university? An Academia Nut
- The universe is contracting.
RIP Professor. - Student: What is the chance we are alone in the universe? Professor: Astronomical.
University Professors Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about university professors you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean students university jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make university professors pranks.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"
The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...a**...!"
A man spends his days studying archeology at university, and his nights dreaming of someday finding a girlfriend.
No matter how hard he tried, he could never master the techniques of dating.
Eventually, his professors had to fail him.
[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.
'Dear Dad,
Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'
Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.
'Dear son ,
I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.
A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.
# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.
Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.
The two Propositional Logic professors at a local university are named Professor P and Professor Q.
Police question Professor P about the identity of a criminal who has committed a series of heinous acts. P implies Q.
Two University of Chicago professors are walking down the street
One says look, a twenty dollar bill!
The other replies no, if there was really a twenty dollar bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up .
Professors at a university stumbled upon a pile of dead crows.
Upon taking them in for examination, they noticed that most had faint paint stains on their bodies. It was determined 98% of the m**... of crows were hit by trucks and 2% by cars as the cause of death.
Why were there so many hit by trucks rather than cars?
The lookout crow could call out "Cah," but they couldn't call out "Truck."
One music university senior complains to another:
"Dude, I have no idea how to write my graduation composition. Do you have any hint?"
"Why don't you try coping professor X's piece he wrote when getting his D.A.?"
"I did. It turned out to be Beethoven's Fifth Symphony."
A university professor stood up in front of his class of 300 and proclaimed that the number of people in the class was a vector
After he had finished his sentence there were only 100 people left.
(I got bored in a lecture ^...I'm^so^sorry )
Does this Turkish joke translate well?
A brand new professor is starting his first day teaching at a university. To do a better job of helping his students, he wants to know who is struggling most in class so he asks his students:
"If there is anyone in this class that feels like they're not smart enough and are struggling, please stand up."
The whole class went silent, then all of the sudden a student stands up.
"You don't think you're smart enough for this class son?" the teacher asks.
The students responds, "No sir, I just felt bad that you were standing up alone"
s**... with Ghost
A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, a young Arab student raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Arab student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, dear, tell us what it's like to have s**... with a
ghost?'
The student replied, "Wallah Habibi, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
A university professor was preparing...
A university professor was preparing her students for the next day's final:
Other than a life-or-death emergency involving you or your family, you must be here tomorrow at taking this test. Your grade depends on it. No excuses!
One wise guy in the back asked, But what if I'm suffering from severe s**... exhaustion?
After the laughter died down, the professor looked at him and said, In that case, you'll just have to take the test with your other hand.
2 test tubes
'We have two test tubes here,' said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. 'They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female o**..., while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa. If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?'
'Could you possibly give us a demonstration?' asked an awed member of the audience.
'I'm sorry, not tonight,' said the professor, 'Solution A has a headache!'
Notice all the dead crows on roads?
I was talking to the local game warden and he gave me the background why crows have been dying near roads
Turns out the DEC asked a local university to figure out why. The professor went out and studied crow behavior, and specifically why so many were dying. After a few months he realized crows hunt in pairs; one was always in the air looking for danger while the other was on the road eating.
The crow in the air could always warn when a car was coming by going *cah cah cah* but they hadn't figured out how to say *truck*
All blonde women gets together and try to prove that they are smart
So all the blonde women get together and decide that they have to prove that they are smart. They call all the blond women in their town for a convention. They also called news papers and a math professor from a local University. The professor have picked out one blonde and ask her a question in order to prove their smartness. He calls one blonde up to the front and begins.
Professor: What is 150*4?
Blonde: 823
Blonde Crowd: Give her another chance. Give her another Chance.
Professor: Fine. I will make it easier this time. What is 10*10?
Blonde: 28
Blonde Crowd: Give her another chance. Give her another chance.
Professor is frustrated and says: OK. One last time. This is the last try. What is 5+5?
Blonde: 10
Blonde Crowd: Give her another Chance. Give her another chance.
Rich sheik's son studies abroad
The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:
"Father,
I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed when I arrive at university in my Lamborghini every day, whereas my fellow students and even the profs come here every day with a subway train, I stick out like a sore thumb."
The next day, his father replies:
"Son,
I've transferred $100 million to your bank account. Go buy yourself a subway train, too - don't you be a disgrace to us!"
My grandfather told me this one.
A university professor was taking a trip to the holy land. He had a break in his seminar schedule and was visiting the sea of Galilee.
He saw a sign advertising boat tours, and thought it would be interesting, so he asked the guy with the boats "How much?"
"Six hundred dollars!" Said the man proudly. "All day, up to three passenger and gear!"
"But, um, there's just me, and all I want is a quick row around and a couple of selfies!"
"Still six hundred dollars!" The man shook his head. "Minimum price!"
"That's outrageous." The man said as he walked away. "No wonder Christ walked."
I need advanced science/research jokes. I have to do stand up in front of dozens of senior research professors. Help!
Through a long series of coincidences, hijinx, and idiocy, I, a sophomore undergraduate, am going to be standing up in front of an entire university's research staff, consisting of PhD's and MD's who will someday probably be grading me, telling jokes at the the winter research symposium. I need jokes on science and research, preferably medicine, pharmacology, biology, and chemistry. I have a couple, but I need a bunch. HALP!
Final Exam
The Final Exam
There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The
guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
Intimate With A Ghost
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands.
"That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a r**... state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The r**... student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it... I thought you said 'goats.'
WalMart's own brand of wine
WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.
Marx as a Student
In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.
"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."
Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."
The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"
"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."