University Jokes
142 university jokes and hilarious university puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about university that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Don't miss out on these hilarious university jokes! From Arizona State University to Duke University or even Whatsapp University, this collection is sure to make everyone laugh. Find out the punchlines of the best jokes about universities, PhDs and Harvard.
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Funniest University Short Jokes
Short university jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The university humour may include short colleges universities jokes also.
- It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
- A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a computer science student. I don't have either". - It's a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida… If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.
- I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures! I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.
- I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents
- Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in the universe? Before you see it, it's already pasteurized
- It's a good thing Gatorade was created by the University of Florida If it had been Florida State, they'd call it Seminole Fluid
- Thank you student loans for getting me through university... I don't think I could ever repay you
- I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
- My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only... ...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.
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University One Liners
Which university one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with university? I can suggest the ones about universe and college campus.
- Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
- What's the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? University
- I have a joke about universal healthcare but americans wont get it.
- Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree? The University of Minnesoda
- I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the Universe was. He replied.
- What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
- Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze We'll still be 0K!
- The Universal Miss award goes to Steve Harvey.
- The universe implodes.... No matter.
- Why do Hippies do so well at University??? They are all about "Higher" education man!!!
- I got throw out of university for plagiarism... Their words, not mine.
- What do you call a university for hippos? A hippocampus
- What's the opposite of diversity? Uni-versity
- Hyperboles are the most overused thing in the universe.
- What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe? >!Galactose!<
Students University Jokes
Here is a list of funny students university jokes and even better students university puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?
- My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term. It's textbook economics.
- This is a 'thank you' to my student loans for getting me through university! I don't think I can ever repay you.
- 70% of all university students identify themselves as procrastinators. .. The other 30% haven't gotten round to it yet.
- A university in the United States was robbed of a whopping $170,000 One student managed to erase his own debt.
- What's the difference between a university student and a mycologist? The mycologist actually takes notes when mold starts growing in his dirty dishes.
- What's the difference between a university student and a beggar? 15 years
- What's the mating call for a University of Alabama student? "I'm soo ddrrrruunnkk!"
- Last night, I met some university students having a social event for the Frisbee society But there wasn't much to discuss.
- Q: How many University Graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it may take up to seven years!
University Professors Jokes
Here is a list of funny university professors jokes and even better university professors puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My university professor and Gandalf have a lot in common... ..they both say "You shall not pass!"
- Imagine if Hannibal was a university professor I'd love to go to a Hannibal Lecture!
- What happens when a university math professor and a high school math teacher get it on? Calculust
- What did they call the treenut professor in university? An Academia Nut
- The universe is contracting.
RIP Professor. - A University professor goes to his German doctor about a strange mole... "Ich bin ein doctor."
- Student: What is the chance we are alone in the universe? Professor: Astronomical.
State University Jokes
Here is a list of funny state university jokes and even better state university puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for. At least 4 or 5.
- Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare? Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment
- It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University. Because then it would be Seminole fluid.
- The Florida / Florida State rivalry... briefly extended to sports drinks. The University of Florida created Gatorade, Florida State came back with Seminole Fluid.
- According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona Our whole universe was in a hot dense state
- Did you know that University of Florida was not the first school to invent a hydrating sports drink with Gatorade? Turns out Florida State couldn't make the marketing work for Seminole Fluid.
- What do University of Miami, Florida State, and University of Florida football fans have in common? None attended the University of Miami.
- Where do men learn the best dad jokes? Punn State University.
- Where did the proctologist go to college? Pro State University
I'll see myself out. - What college do weeaboos attend? Ohio State University
University Of Florida Jokes
Here is a list of funny university of florida jokes and even better university of florida puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 2020 was like... an alternate universe where we were all living in Florida.
The Funniest University Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about university you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean school college jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make university pranks.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
Georgia joke
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Young man goes off to university
A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."
Blonde vs. Space
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were taking a tour inside of NASA space center. The tour-guide asked them "What planet or other object in our universe would you go to?"
The red head said. "I'd go to Saturn!"
The brunette said, "I'd go to the Moon!"
The blonde said "I'd go to the Sun!"
The tour-guide looked at the blonde. "But if you go the Sun, you'll burn up and die."
The blonde rolled her eyes and replied calmly. "What, do you think I'm s**...? I'd go at night!"
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
Yokel Logic
Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'
Gatorades competition.
Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes.
Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...
An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.
The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.
"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."
"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."
The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"
They found a hole in the wall at the University's girl's locker room.
The police are looking into it.
This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors?
So they can park in handicap spots.
Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox
I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.
* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.
Psychology vs Law
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino?
A visit from the university board of ethics.
It was a sad day when I discovered…
my new Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
All the Geology majors at my university smoke a lot w**....
I guess you could say that they're all a bunch of stoners.
At university I was going to join the debating class...
...but someone talked me out of it
A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.
At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and c**... into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"
Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...
... they are calling them "parallelograms".
Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel
Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)
After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....
...decided not to abbreviate their name
At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'
What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?
A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)
I bought a universal remote the other day
and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"
Only three things are infinite
The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.
2 Trump Supporters go to heaven
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...
Couldn't find three wise men and a v**....
It's Albert Einstein, not mine
Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe?
The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
The wardens at my University were always so nice.
They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, s**... and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.
It's about time.
You can now major in m**... at some universities
Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!
How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?
Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.
interviewer: it says here you went to Harvard University.
Me: yeah, I was visiting my sister.
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
I'm surprised the University of Alabama doesn't offer a major in archaeology.
I heard they are really into relative dating out there.
39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom
Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though
My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.
She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.
The heaviest things in the universe
3 - Neutron stars
2 - Black holes
1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."
Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.
The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."
She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."
How does Trump change a light bulb?
He holds the bulb in the socket and waits for the universe to revolve around him.
Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...
They don't see each other much anymore but they're still tight.
According to Scientists atom's are as old the universe
So therefore your honour she was legal
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
Why is v**... so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?
Because only Siths deal in Absolut.
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...
A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"
The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"
The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...a**...!"
Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.
The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."
Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in the Universe. What do you get when you remove it?
Gravy!
Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....
The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: How much for a season ticket?
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.
(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk a**... laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)
In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .
. . . lousy Marx
How many egotistical people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, they hold the light bulb, and the universe revolves around them.
There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology
It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote.
I thought to myself, this changes everything!
It was a sad and disappointing day
when I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact control the universe.
Not even remotely.
