University Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for everything."
I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek
"You're whale cum"

Sex after Surgery:

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford University Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex."

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

2 engineers on a bike

two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."" the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"









Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

NSFW She's Probably Right

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

Her answer: "He's probably at the shooting range with his buddies."

Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife.
"Dave, is that you?"

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.



(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university...

I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...

Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:

'I love sex.'

Georgia joke

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree?

The University of Minnesoda

Engineering Joke

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

interviewer: it says here you went to Harvard University.

Me: yeah, I was visiting my sister.

A young guy was visiting his friend at Harvard University.

He was supposed to meet his friend at the library, but he got lost. He sees another guy coming up the walkway, so he asks, "Hey man, where's the library at?"

Th student turns up his nose and says, "Here at Harvard, we never end a sentence with a preposition."

The guy replied, "Sorry, my bad. Where's the library at, asshole?"

After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....

...decided not to abbreviate their name

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

I called an old University classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed..

However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes
with hot water under his wife's supervision.

The wardens at my University were always so nice.

They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".

I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.

I'm surprised the University of Alabama doesn't offer a major in archaeology.

I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

Creative Writing

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.

The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

At university I was going to join the debating class...

...but someone talked me out of it

Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors?

So they can park in handicap spots.

Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."

"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.

Yokel Logic

Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.

He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'

The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'

The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'

The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'

'Okay then.'

'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'

'Yep'

'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'

'Arr'

'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'

'Wow, incredible, go on!'

'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'

'Moi god...'

'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'

'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'

'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.

The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.

''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.

'Alroight then', says the friend

'So, do you have a tract'r?'

'No'

'Then you're Gay!'

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...

"Oh the Humanities!"

Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.

She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"

The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

The University teacher noticed that his exchange student, Micheal, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention..!

So, one day the teacher asks Micheal about his secret. Micheal replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the University teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Is that you, Micheal...?".

Final Exam

The Final Exam

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The
guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Mahatma Gandhi wanted to be a babysitter...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Nevertheless, in his final years he decided that he wanted to be a babysitter and sent an application to the Babysitter University. Unfortunately they rejected him, stating that they could not accept an applicant that was "A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis".

Lost in Arkansas

Bob a young journalism graduate from the University of Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.

Bob asked farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Dick replied, One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.

I can't print that, said Bob the reporter, Is there another event that made you really happy?

Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.

Again Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Dick, Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?

Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, Well, I got lost once".

What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino?

A visit from the university board of ethics.

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"

Logician meets redneck

A redneck walks up to a check-out line at Walmart and waits in line behind a man dressed in scholarly robes.

Redneck : well hey mister what're you all dressed up for ?

Scholarly robed man: I am a logician and I am on my way to teach a class at local university.

Redneck: what the hell is a logician?

Scholarly robed man : let me give you an example - Do you own a lawnmower?

Redneck: yes

Scholarly robed man: because you own a lawnmower, I deduce that you have a lawn. Because you have a lawn, I deduce that you live in a house. Because you live in a house, I deduce that you have children. And because you have children, I deduce that you are a heterosexual man.

Redneck: that's interesting. Well, see ya!


Upon arriving at his house, redneck is greeted by his neighbor.

Neighbor: what'd you do today?

Redneck: I met me a logician.

Neighbor: what's that?

Redneck: well, lemme give ya an example, do ya own a lawnmower?

Neighbor: n-

Redneck: faggot!

Gatorades competition.

Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes.

Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

Reprimand from the university ethics board and immediate withdrawal of all research grants.

There was a child who was absolutely obsessed with tractors

He had tractor wallpaper, model tractors, pictures of tractors.. everything was about tractors for him.

However, as he grew older his love for tractors faded.

He went to university, married a girl and they had kids.

One day he came home and his house was on fire and his family were trapped inside!

He ran to the front door, took a deep breath and sucked all of the flames into his mouth.

Sobbing, his wife came out with the children and screamed 'HOW ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?'

He replied, calmly 'It's easy. I'm an ex-tractor fan.'

A Russian university valedictorian (from my Russian history prof)

A valedictorian at a Russian university was giving his graduation speech. As a finale, the Party Secretary who was in attendance asked the young man two rehearsed questions: "Who is your mother?"

"The Party," the young man replied.

"And who is your father?" the Party Secretary asked next.

"Lenin," the valedictorian said.

Then, unrehearsed, the Party Secretary asked a third question: "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"An orphan."

Embarassment

A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy;
he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded with a loud voice:
$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S TOO MUCH!

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

I got throw out of university for plagiarism...

Their words, not mine.

Psychology and the Law.

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl *"Do you mind if I sit beside you ?"*

The girl replied in a loud voice:

*"NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"*...

All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:

*"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"*

The guy then responded in a loud voice:

*"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT ? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"*

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: *"I study law, and I know how to screw people"*.

All blonde women gets together and try to prove that they are smart

So all the blonde women get together and decide that they have to prove that they are smart. They call all the blond women in their town for a convention. They also called news papers and a math professor from a local University. The professor have picked out one blonde and ask her a question in order to prove their smartness. He calls one blonde up to the front and begins.

Professor: What is 150*4?

Blonde: 823

Blonde Crowd: Give her another chance. Give her another Chance.

Professor: Fine. I will make it easier this time. What is 10*10?

Blonde: 28

Blonde Crowd: Give her another chance. Give her another chance.

Professor is frustrated and says: OK. One last time. This is the last try. What is 5+5?

Blonde: 10

Blonde Crowd: Give her another Chance. Give her another chance.

It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University.

Because then it would be Seminole fluid.

What do you call a university for hippos?

A hippocampus

Didja hear the one about the professor teaching muscle contractions?

A professor was teaching a university level course about muscle contractions and it happened to be a very boring lecture. As he drones on and on he eventually notices that his students are losing focus - so he decides to energize them with some interaction.

He points to a girl in the front row and asks:

'YOU! Whats your asshole doing when you have an orgasm?'

She thinks for a moment and then replies:

'Probably out playing golf with his buddies!'

Scottish man studies in an English University

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

All the Geology majors at my university smoke a lot weed.

I guess you could say that they're all a bunch of stoners.

After my dad died in WWII...

My family moved to America. I was still young so I don't remember a lot about it. I ended up going to the University of Maryland-College Park. My first couple of days there were nice and I was getting to know a lot of people. However, I was slowly beginning to realize that the athletes weren't the most popular people on campus. It was actually the brothers of a Jewish fraternity. I began to realize that they gathered every Tuesday to tell stories about their family in WWII. People would show up and listen and every night the brothers of this fraternity had a different woman in bed with them. They were using sympathy to get sex! I thought it was an amazing idea. I started telling people that I was Jewish. I would bring it up whenever I could hoping one of them would here me. One day, they did. A brother overheard a conversation I was having and invited me to join them on the next Tuesday. I was amazed! I showed up and it got started. Everyone was telling stories and it finally came to me. I started, "My dad actually died in a concentration camp". A couple of the guys look at me and ask, "Which camp?" Shit, I think. I don't know any camps. "Auschwitz" I say. "Wow, that place was bad. My Uncle was there." One of the brothers says. A guy looks at me, "How did he die?" It gets really quiet and everyone looks at me. I put my head down and say, "He fell out of the guard tower..."

2 engineers on a bike

Two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."" the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Degree

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?

The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back

Accordion to a study done by Stanford University, 9 out 10 people don't notice when words are substituted for music instruments

hehe

A man walks onto the campus of Yale university

He walks up to a student and asks "where's the bathroom at?"
The student responds haughtily, "here at Yale, we're taught not to end a sentence with a preposition.
The man realizing his mistake corrects himself, "where's the bathroom at, asshole?"

What are the funniest university jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about University? Well, here are the best University puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny University pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes