The Best 65 University Jokes

Following is our collection of funny University jokes. There are some university admissions jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these university undergrad puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest University Jokes and Puns

The chancellor of the university is complaining to the dean of physics...

"We need to cut costs!" He says. "All this complex technology you guys use! Why can't you be more like the Maths department? All they need is pencils, paper and wastebaskets!"

"Better still," says the dean of physics, "we could be like the philosophy department. All they need is the pencils and paper."

Georgia joke

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Young man goes off to university

A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"

The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."

University joke, Young man goes off to university

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."

"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

Yokel Logic

Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.

He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'

The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'

The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'

The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'

'Okay then.'

'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'

'Yep'

'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'

'Arr'

'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'

'Wow, incredible, go on!'

'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'

'Moi god...'

'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'

'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'

'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.

The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.

''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.

'Alroight then', says the friend

'So, do you have a tract'r?'

'No'

'Then you're Gay!'


Gatorades competition.

Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes.

Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...

Why is a university Philosophy Department always cheaper to fund than the Math Department?

The math department needs paper, pencils, and a wastebasket.

The philosophy department only needs paper and pencils.

University joke, Why is a university Philosophy Department always cheaper to fund than the Math Department?

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

Why did the oven go back to University?

To get another degree.

-

My sister thought it up and found it so funny she called to tell me.

Where do galaxies go to college?

University!

Happy 1st day back to school to many of you :)

Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"

"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."

You can explore university harvard reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean university diploma dad jokes. There are also university puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors?

So they can park in handicap spots.

I got throw out of university for plagiarism...

Their words, not mine.

Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.

70% of all university students identify themselves as procrastinators. ..

The other 30% haven't gotten round to it yet.

University joke, 70% of all university students identify themselves as procrastinators. ..

What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino?

A visit from the university board of ethics.

What do you call a university for hippos?

A hippocampus

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."


All the Geology majors at my university smoke a lot weed.

I guess you could say that they're all a bunch of stoners.

At university I was going to join the debating class...

...but someone talked me out of it

Degree

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?

The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back

A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...

"Oh the Humanities!"

My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It's textbook economics.

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.

(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team....

...decided not to abbreviate their name

At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:

'I love sex.'

What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?

Financial Ayyyyyyd

I'll^see^myself^out

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree?

The University of Minnesoda

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...

Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University.

Because then it would be Seminole fluid.

Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands

A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

The wardens at my University were always so nice.

They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

Nine out of ten people...

...at least according to the University of Incomplete Researches.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

interviewer: it says here you went to Harvard University.

Me: yeah, I was visiting my sister.

Where did the car go to college?

Tulane University

I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.

I got into Cambridge university today!

But only lasted 5 minutes until security caught me.

My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university...

I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?

I'm surprised the University of Alabama doesn't offer a major in archaeology.

I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.

She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.

A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

Accordion to a study done by Stanford University, 9 out 10 people don't notice when words are substituted for music instruments

hehe

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"









Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

This is a 'thank you' to my student loans for getting me through university!

I don't think I can ever repay you.

Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don't see each other much anymore but they're still tight.

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"

The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.

The Texan again said, "Howdy pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"

The professor became indignant, "You can't talk like that at Harvard University. I mean, you've ended your sentence with a preposition. Try to do better!"

The Texan shuffled for a second and said, "Well pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at...asshole!"

You're not stupid if you haven't been to university

Einstein never went to university and he was the first man to climb mount Everest

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dรปr, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.

What's the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

University

Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....

The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: How much for a season ticket?

A man spends his days studying archeology at university, and his nights dreaming of someday finding a girlfriend.

No matter how hard he tried, he could never master the techniques of dating.

Eventually, his professors had to fail him.

What do you call a university class taught by a cannibal?

A Hannibal Lecture

Bill Cosby

University of Michigan is pleased to announce a gift from the Cosby family for the new school to be names in his honor.

The Sleep Studies Center for women.

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

I was in a car dealership.

"Can I take this one for a test drive?" I asked the salesman.

He said, "Sure, I'll come with you."

Ten minutes later I pulled up outside my university and said, "Thanks, buddy. I think I've made it in time for my exam."

I heard your son in the university is quite an author. Does he write for money?

"Yes, in every letter."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the university sciences jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working university faculty piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes