Universe Jokes
177 universe jokes and hilarious universe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about universe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you a fan of Steven Universe and DC Universe? Or do you love Miss Universe? Prepare to explore a world beyond your own with these funny jokes about the Marvel Universe, Parallel Universes and Earth's astronomy. Read on to discover lifeforms, epic planets, and outrageous humor!
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Funniest Universe Short Jokes
Short universe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The universe humour may include short galaxy jokes also.
- It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
- A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a computer science student. I don't have either". - I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures! I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.
- I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents
- I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
- My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only... ...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.
- Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.) - My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?
- What's at the centre of No Man's sky universe? A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post) - 39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though
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Universe One Liners
Which universe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with universe? I can suggest the ones about university and solar system.
- Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
- I have a joke about universal healthcare but americans wont get it.
- Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree? The University of Minnesoda
- I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the Universe was. He replied.
- What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
- Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze We'll still be 0K!
- The Universal Miss award goes to Steve Harvey.
- The universe implodes.... No matter.
- Why do Hippies do so well at University??? They are all about "Higher" education man!!!
- I got throw out of university for plagiarism... Their words, not mine.
- What do you call a university for hippos? A hippocampus
- What's the opposite of diversity? Uni-versity
- Hyperboles are the most overused thing in the universe.
- What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe? >!Galactose!<
- Why is your mother like the universe? They both create gravity waves when they bang.
Miss Universe Jokes
Here is a list of funny miss universe jokes and even better miss universe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think this 'Miss Universe' contest is rigged. I mean, every one of the contestants is from Earth.
- To take her mind off being mistakenly judged Miss Universe,Miss Columbia went to get her teeth whitened.. The Dentist told her she needs a crown.
- I find Miss Universe contest very suspicious How come, every single year some one from our planet wins?
- Which event on earth do aliens hate the most? Miss Universe
- Miss Columbia, Hillary Clinton, and La La Land won Miss Universe, the U.S. Presidency, and Best Picture. In theory.
- Miss France just won Miss Universe The French finally won something.
- Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from earth?
- And your 2015 Miss Universe is Columbia! -Steve Harvey
- Miss Universe is rigged and I always know who's going to win before it even starts The winner has always been a contestant from planet Earth
- The Miss Universe pageant is tonight... I wonder which planet will win.
Parallel Universe Jokes
Here is a list of funny parallel universe jokes and even better parallel universe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't really believe in parallel universes. But there could be a version of me who does.
- I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy. We called the event Arma-Git-R-Done.
- No matter how improbable, there's a parallel universe with anything you can think of. Even one where the Irish invented rap. It's how the universe achieves Homie O'Stasis
- I'm sick and tired of scandals always being named -gate The only thing about it that consoles me is there's a parallel universe where Watergate Hotel was instead named after John Hancock.
- A man walks into a parallel universe and sits down at the bar. In comes a priest, a rabbi and a minister
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- What's the most popular parallel universe among the Spaniards? Realm Adrid.
- Somewhere in a parallel universe programmer van Rython invented Possum programming language.
- In a parallel universe where chefs are called food composers... The best pasta sonata was composed by platehoven.
- Black Holes are places where parallel universes are hiding from Chuck Norris.
Alternate Universe Jokes
Here is a list of funny alternate universe jokes and even better alternate universe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes... ... they are calling them "parallelograms".
- 2020 was like... an alternate universe where we were all living in Florida.
- I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from... It seems saner.
- Somewhere in an alternate universe... A bunch of chickens are stuck at a lame wedding doing the 'Human Dance.'
- In a alternative universe where humans lay eggs. omelettes would still be a seriously messed up thing to eat.
- In an alternate universe, humans with an extra cromossome are gods, each responsible for a physical property. It has been this way since the Down of time.
- In an alternate universe, Shakespeare's writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose.
- I believe there is another reality where I did really well in college. I call it my Alternate University Theory.
- A doctor told me I have dementia So I said: Yeah, and I live in an alternate universe.
- Somewhere in an alternative universe a girl is kissing a frog hoping it turns back into her charming prince
but instead it only turns into the artist formerly known as prince
Expanding Universe Jokes
Here is a list of funny expanding universe jokes and even better expanding universe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does the universe expand?.... All the Milky Ways. You get it.
- What's the relationship between the universe and your mom? The universe expands to be as big as your mom
- We live in an expanding universe.
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris. - The Universe is not expanding.
It's running away from Chuck Norris. - The universe expands because the stars believe this way will be safer from Chuck Norris.
- Why is the universe expanding? It needs more space.
- the universe is expanding.... that should help ease the traffic
- Why is the universe constantly expanding? Because Bono's ego keeps getting bigger!
Steven Universe Jokes
Here is a list of funny steven universe jokes and even better steven universe puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Thanos appears in the Universe of Steven Universe He snaps his fingers and half of Steven is gone.
Quirky and Hilarious Universe Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about universe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean globe jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make universe pranks.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".
Georgia joke
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Young man goes off to university
A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
Yokel Logic
Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man.
He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?'
The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic'
The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?'
The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.'
'Okay then.'
'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?'
'Yep'
'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?'
'Arr'
'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?'
'Wow, incredible, go on!'
'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?'
'Moi god...'
'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!'
'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?'
'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave.
The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings.
''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts.
'Alroight then', says the friend
'So, do you have a tract'r?'
'No'
'Then you're Gay!'
Gatorades competition.
Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes.
Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...
An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.
The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.
"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."
"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."
The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"
This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
Why did the oven go back to University?
To get another degree.
-
My sister thought it up and found it so funny she called to tell me.
Where do galaxies go to college?
University!
Happy 1st day back to school to many of you :)
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
I hear the Star Wars universe is so advanced, you can get Chinese food directly over the internet...
They use an e-wok.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They just hold the lightbulb and cry until the universe spins around them.
Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox
I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.
* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls are a lot like universities...
I spend hours looking at them, only to realise I can't get into any of them.
Psychology vs Law
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.
70% of all university students identify themselves as procrastinators. ..
The other 30% haven't gotten round to it yet.
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino?
A visit from the university board of ethics.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All the geology majors at my university smoke a lot w**....
I guess you could say that they're all a bunch of stoners.
At university I was going to join the debating class...
...but someone talked me out of it
Degree
A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?
The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.
At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and c**... into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"
My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term.
It's textbook economics.
If scientists ever discover a center to the universe
A lot of people are going to be shocked to find out they aren't it.
After much deliberation, the Cambridge University netball Team....
...decided not to abbreviate their name
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'
What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition?
Financial Ayyyyyyd
I'll^see^myself^out
Only three things are infinite
The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.
2 Trump Supporters go to heaven
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes
So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...
Couldn't find three wise men and a v**....
If men have man caves, why dont women have woman caves?
They do, we just universally named it the kitchen many years ago.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University.
Because then it would be Seminole fluid.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Albert Einstein, not mine
Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands
A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe?
The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet...
Acronym
Based
Comedy
Doesn't
Ever
Feel
Good
Honestly,
I
Just
Keep
Lamenting
My
Negative
Opinion,
Perhaps
Questioning
Reality
Serves
The
Universe
Very
Well
...
Xylophone, yak, zebra.
I just found the coldest thing in the universe!
It was 0K.
The wardens at my University were always so nice.
They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".
They say the fastest disappearing thing in the universe is the speed of light
Still 2nd place to my dad
7 Great Wonders of Communism:
1. Universal employment.
2. Despite universal employment, no one works at all.
3. Despite no one working, all economic plans were fulfilled to 100% minimum.
4. Despite plans being fulfilled above the 100% requisite, shops remained empty.
5. Despite shops being empty, everyone had everything.
6. Despite everyone having everything, everyone remained a thief.
7. Despite the universal theft, no one was ever missing anything.
An English teacher to his class...
"In some languages a double negative is interpreted as a negative while in some others it is interpreted as a positive. However a double positive is universally interpreted as a positive"
A voice from the back of the class replied "Yeah right"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, s**... and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.
It's about time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can now major in m**... at some universities
Guess grades are going to be a little higher this semester!
How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?
Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.
Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?
Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment
interviewer: it says here you went to Harvard University.
Me: yeah, I was visiting my sister.
I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for.
At least 4 or 5.
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
Marvel Cinematic Universe just announced their newest addition to their 2015 film that will be released in 2019 starring a transgender hero.
Auntman
I'm surprised the University of Alabama doesn't offer a major in archaeology.
I heard they are really into relative dating out there.
My wife is an equestrian and she uses the money she earns to pay for me to go to University and study Philosophy. One night she asked me to help out around the stable and I told her I would but only after I finished my readings.
She accused me of putting Descartes before the horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fastest thing in the universe
Two men are arguing over what is the fastest thing in the universe.
One man says, Of course it has to be the speed of light!
The other says, Nonsense, it's human thought!
A third man interrupts, You're both wrong, its diarrhea.
Visibly confused, the two men are quick to asking Why??
The third man easily explains, Because you won't be able to think about it or turn on the light when it hits you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientists say the universe is full of protons, neutrons and electrons.
But they forgot to mention morons.
A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.
# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.
How do women get an abortion in Harry Potter universe?
Fetusdeletus
The heaviest things in the universe
3 - Neutron stars
2 - Black holes
1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."
Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.
The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."
She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."
