Universal Jokes
86 universal jokes and hilarious universal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about universal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
No matter your interests, everyone can laugh at a great universal joke. From funny theories about molecules to figurative jokes referencing Universal Studios, Universal Credit, Universal Monsters, Universal Orlando, and Universal Remotes, this article covers a wide range of topics to make everyone smile.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Universal Short Jokes
Short universal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The universal humour may include short uniform jokes also.
- It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.
- A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a computer science student. I don't have either". - It's a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida… If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.
- I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures! I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.
- I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents
- Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in the universe? Before you see it, it's already pasteurized
- It's a good thing Gatorade was created by the University of Florida If it had been Florida State, they'd call it Seminole Fluid
- Thank you student loans for getting me through university... I don't think I could ever repay you
- I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"
- My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only... ...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.
Share These Universal Jokes With Friends
Universal One Liners
Which universal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with universal? I can suggest the ones about global and general.
- Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
- What's the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? University
- I have a joke about universal healthcare but americans wont get it.
- Where did Dr. Pepper get his degree? The University of Minnesoda
- I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the Universe was. He replied.
- What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
- Even if the universe ends with a Big Freeze We'll still be 0K!
- The Universal Miss award goes to Steve Harvey.
- The universe implodes.... No matter.
- Why do Hippies do so well at University??? They are all about "Higher" education man!!!
- I got throw out of university for plagiarism... Their words, not mine.
- What do you call a university for hippos? A hippocampus
- What's the opposite of diversity? Uni-versity
- Hyperboles are the most overused thing in the universe.
- What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe? >!Galactose!<
Universal Remote Jokes
Here is a list of funny universal remote jokes and even better universal remote puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a universal remote the other day and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"
- What did Dad say when he got a universal remote for Father's Day? This changes everything!
Happy Father's Day! - It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact control the universe.
Not even remotely. - It was a sad day when I discovered… my new Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
- I remember the first time I saw a universal remote. I thought to myself, this changes everything!
- I just got a new universal remote Wow! This changes everything...
- I bought a universal remote today. I was disappointed to find out that it does not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.
- I bought a used universal remote at a flea market The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.
- My universal remote is finally here Now this changes everything
- I used to have for remotes for my TV then I bought a universal remote. Now I have five remotes.
Universal Basic Jokes
Here is a list of funny universal basic jokes and even better universal basic puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They said I'd never make it as a screenwriter, but I just signed a multi-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures! Looks like I'm going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.
- Why is everyone in outer space a basic white girl? Because the universal currency is Starbucks
- Why don't you drink universal indicator? Because it'll reveal how basic you are.
- What do you call a basic university class on golf facility management? A coarse course course.
- In an alternate universe, Shakespeare's writings are the easiest to understand But basic dialogue... is for prose.
Universal Studios Jokes
Here is a list of funny universal studios jokes and even better universal studios puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do Universal Studios and Pinocchio have in common? They both own a woodpecker
- AMA character from the Universal Studios Harry Potter world Really! I'm Sirius!
- I'm excited visiting the Harry Potter world in universal studios until I saw a sign on one of the rides You must be this tall to ride Hermione ....
- There's a new Fast & Furious ride at Universal Studios I really hope I don't get Paul Walkers car
- Yo mama so n**... that when she goes to the universal studios children follow her shouting "Shrek! Shrek!"
Universal Pictures Jokes
Here is a list of funny universal pictures jokes and even better universal pictures puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Miss Columbia, Hillary Clinton, and La La Land won Miss Universe, the U.S. Presidency, and Best Picture. In theory.
Universal Credit Jokes
Here is a list of funny universal credit jokes and even better universal credit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel Great sedimental value.
(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.) - What's at the centre of No Man's sky universe? A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post) - What do you call a league of battling plants? Phyte club.
Credit to the podcast Skeptics Guide to the Universe. I'm not this funny.
Silly Universal Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about universal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ultimate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make universal pranks.
Georgia joke
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...
... they are calling them "parallelograms".
After much deliberation, the Cambridge University netball Team....
...decided not to abbreviate their name
At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared
A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'
2 Trump Supporters go to heaven
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama...
Couldn't find three wise men and a v**....
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, s**... and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
interviewer: it says here you went to Harvard University.
Me: yeah, I was visiting my sister.
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university...
I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?
39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom
Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though
The heaviest things in the universe
3 - Neutron stars
2 - Black holes
1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"
Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.
The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."
Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....
The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: How much for a season ticket?
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.
(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk a**... laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)
In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .
. . . lousy Marx
I think this 'Miss Universe' contest is rigged.
I mean, every one of the contestants is from Earth.
I don't really believe in parallel universes.
But there could be a version of me who does.
At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.
The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.
The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.
"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.
Everyone present turned their gazes to the dean, who was illuminated by a faint halo.
A colleague whispered, "Tell me something."
The dean, who had gained eternal wisdom, sighed and said, "I should have chosen eternal riches."
A University of Alabama graduate gets a job
He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.
"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."
Did you know that University of Florida was not the first school to invent a hydrating sports drink with Gatorade?
Turns out Florida State couldn't make the marketing work for Seminole Fluid.
Which event on earth do aliens hate the most?
Miss Universe
Which country is universally hated by Army generals?
Insubordination.
