units Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious units puns

I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!

It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.

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Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

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America is converting to metric units...

inch by inch.

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A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

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Why weren't the Nazi canine units executed for war crimes?

They were just following odors.

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A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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Apple's new iphone sold over 13M units this past weekend

I guess you can say it was a 6S

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6 year old on a nude beach.

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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Why was the Death Star measured in miles?

Because they used Imperial units.

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How much is twelve units of mass?

Dozen matter.

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I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.

The width of a milk jug is 5.5"

Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches

93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet

Divided by 5280

1,475,694,444 Miles

Divided by 93,000,000 miles to get Astronomical Units

You get 15.8 AU's.

You're so fat, that even though Florence is dropping 17 trillion gallons of rain, It's still not enough to get to Uranus.

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Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

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Converting Units:



1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

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I was going to consider brief units of time

but now I'm having second thoughts.

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What's a Mathematician's best friend?

Absolute units

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Units.

A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.

What is the unit of volume?

Milliliters.


What is the unit of mass?

Kilograms.


What is the unit of distance?

Meters.


What is the unit of power?

Yes.

(I know, it works a bit better spoken)

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At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made up of particles called quarks and leptons, which are infinitely smaller. These were the smallest units in existence.

However, as science is always evolving, it has recently been proven that infinitely smaller than even these quarks and leptons is the number of people who have actually changed any political opinion because of what someone shared on Facebook.

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Imagine America switching from retard units to kilogram over night

There would be a mass confusion.

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TIL that French military units do not fly the French flag.

They use a white flag instead.

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What do a battleship and a belly button ring have in common?

They're both Naval units.

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What did the police dispatcher say when a short psychic woman escaped from prison?

Calling all units, we have a small medium at large

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Fetish...

I have a fetish for switching on air conditioning units.

It gives me vent elation.

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I was talking to my science class...

...about Astronomical Units (Au). Our conversation was gold.

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The nude beach

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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How physicists see other sciences:

Biology: squishy physics
Geology: slow physics
Computer Science: virtual physics
Psychology: people physics
Chemistry: impure physics
Math: physics minus the units

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What do astronomers use to measure the distance between Earth and the Sun?

Absolute units.

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How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but he gets 4 units for doing it.

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What evil do the USA and Darth Vader have in common?

Using imperial units.

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Sometimes I don't remember to convert SI units into their more common names. But forgetting s^-1...

Really Hertz

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My doctor says I can have up to 20 units a week

but now I've eaten half my kitchen.

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What do a hooker and a quantum physicist have in common?

Both do their work in natural units.

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What does the Army call it's Muslim infantry units with vehicles?

Mecca-nized infantry.

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A teacher has been teaching a group of children all about units and measurements...

The teachers asks "so how much is a gram?" quickly Dwayne JR raised hand "shit, depends what you need sir"

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How to loss weight with a flick of fingers

Just change the units from pounds to kilograms.

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What are the most funny Units jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Units? Well, here are the best Units dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Units pick up lines to share with friends.

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