United Jokes

Following is our collection of flight puns and conflict one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including United jokes for adults, dirty rockies jokes and clean manchester dad gags for kids.

The Best United Puns

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

"You're the bomb, no you're the bomb"

A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.


UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

Why are you flying with United Airlines?

Beats me.

What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity


Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

Of course, I called him immediately.

"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".


Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!

The thief said, In that case, give me my money!

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character

And not the President of the United States.

On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal.

At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.

I just booked some cheap seats from United.

They were in the nosebleed section.

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.

When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great.

I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.

It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog

So I booked a United flight instead

I don't want to make a political joke

It might get elected as president of the United States

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure.

The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines?

One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting

Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"

Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

The United States government.

The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via sexual contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

United should rebrand to Adrenaline...

Since they promote "fight or flight".

The president of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody is sure who is going to win. In other words...

Trump may trump May. May may trump Trump.

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, what do you all want to be when you grow up?

A farmer, shouts one.

An astronaut, shouts another.

The President of the United States, confidently says a little girl.

Who said that, shouts Trump. The little girl raises her hand and he darts eyes at her. He begins to fume, are you joking? Are you brainless? Are you a complete moron? Are you stupid? Are you an idiot?

The little girl, taken aback, says, on second thought, nevermind! That sounds like too many requirements!

My brother asked me which super power I'd like

Apparently the united states wasn't a good answer.

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

There is no reason to beat a dead horse

Unless it is flying United.

Why do you fly United early in the morning?

To beat the crowd.

What's the difference between a triangle and Manchester United ?

A triangle has three points

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

A Chinese family of 5 decided to immigrate to the United States

Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu were told that in order to get a visa, they would have to Americanize their names.

Chu became Chuck.

Bu became Buck.

Hu became Huck.

Su and Fu decided to stay in China.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs

"give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!"

In that case," replied the mugger,


"give me my money."

Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans...

Its called the United States.

In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :

"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."

The young boy thought for a moment and responded,

"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."

Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight?

I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?

The United States of America.

Sleeping with POTUS

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"

'Knock knock'

'Who's there'

'Okay Google'

'Okay Google, who?'

'Sorry I didn't catch that'

'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'

'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '

Thief and a congressman

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!

After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China

There is an abundance of nations jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 62 funniest jokes and united puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any manchester united witze you can hear about united.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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