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United Jokes

157 united jokes and hilarious united puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about united that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article discusses the history of jokes related to the many "United" entities, such as the United States, United Nations, United Airlines, United Way and more. Humorous anecdotes related to the Liverpool Carrion, Airline Flight, and even United Parcel Service will be covered. Come laugh with us and discover the humor in the many United entities!

Funniest United Short Jokes

Short united jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The united humour may include short unionized jokes also.

  1. If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States
    This is not a political post, I just want to travel
  2. Malaysian Airlines and United should merge That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.
  3. "You're the bomb, no you're the bomb" A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.
  4. UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout
  5. I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system! It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.
  6. Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq? United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.
    Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?
    United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.
  7. A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?
  8. What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States of America.
  9. How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
  10. Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines ceo Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

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United One Liners

Which united one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with united? I can suggest the ones about unison and univ.

  1. How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
  2. Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.
  3. What's the biggest city in the United States? Obesity
  4. How can you donate money to Taliban? Just pay your taxes in United States
  5. I just booked some cheap seats from United. They were in the nosebleed section.
  6. The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin? Detroit
  7. It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog So I booked a United flight instead
  8. United Airlines will treat you like a King! Rodney King, that is.
  9. You're a unit of power, Harry. Harry: I'm a watt?
  10. The United States government.
  11. United should rebrand to Adrenaline... Since they promote "fight or flight".
  12. America is converting to metric units... inch by inch.
  13. There is no reason to beat a dead horse Unless it is flying United.
  14. Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
  15. "You're a unit of electrical energy, Harry." "I'm a watt?"

United States Jokes

Here is a list of funny united states jokes and even better united states puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States.
  • I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States
  • What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
  • The United States has such bad luck It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
  • The president of the United States is going to debate the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Nobody is sure who is going to win. In other words... Trump may trump May. May may trump Trump.
  • Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States. Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.
  • My brother asked me which super power I'd like Apparently the united states wasn't a good answer.
  • Donald Trump was the President of United States It's not so funny now but your grand children will laugh. This joke is 50 years ahead of its time.
  • Elections If the Republicans win the midterms, I will leave the United States.
    If the Democrats win the midterms, I will leave the United States
    This is not about politics, I just want to travel.
  • In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state. All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

United Airlines Jokes

Here is a list of funny united airlines jokes and even better united airlines puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
    2)Having an United Airlines ticket
    -Dan Regan
  • On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal. At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.
  • What's the difference between game of thrones and United Airlines? One has dragons and the other has drag-offs
  • It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
  • There was a race to see what company's​ planes flew fastest United Airlines beat everyone...
  • United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane" Largest bill for Chinese take out to date
  • Was going to do United Airlines joke But everyone already United Airlined me to it.
  • What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat? You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.
  • 4/5 doctors recommend united airlines You can't beat that!
  • Why was 1 afraid of 4? United Airlines.
United joke, Why was 1 afraid of 4?

Man United Jokes

Here is a list of funny man united jokes and even better man united puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A wind turbine and an A/C unit walk into a bar The wind turbine asks: "Hey man! How's your job going?"
    A/C unit: "ehh, it's cool but I'm not a huge fan."
  • Niggawatt Def: theoretical unit of work. The amount of work 1 black man can produce in 1 hour.
  • 0 K, man. What an absolute unit.
  • A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"
    "No, I've been run over by a truck."
  • I met a man called |-5kg| He was an absolute unit
  • "Its ok to hit a man with glasses." - United Airlines
  • Today, the United States began to silence an influential African American icon Never again will we hear the words of More gain, Free man
  • When Manchester United played last night.... I was happy with only one man. Only Juan.
  • He states that he loves Jesus and likes Man United Unfortunately for him, Jesus plays for Man City
  • Why is it called the United Kingdom instead of the United Queendom when it's ruled by a Queen? Because it's still ruled by a man (Theresa May)

United Nation Jokes

Here is a list of funny united nation jokes and even better united nation puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The United Nations is like a black father You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .
  • Does the International House of Pancakes answer to the United Nations or is it the other way around? Serious answers only. I'm studying for my AP World History final.
  • Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back.
  • I always tell people I work for the United Nations. It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.
  • How do you sing the national anthem of the United Arab Emirates? I'm Blue, Abu Dhabi, Dubai
    Abu Dhabi and Dubai
    Abu Dhabi, Dubai...
  • Saudi Arabia... ...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.
  • Why is the United States always in political disarray? It's a nation without a litre.
  • The United Nations seem very concerned about British weather. Apparently there's some sort of looming crisis involving UK rain
  • House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation. Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!
  • The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

United Nations Jokes

Here is a list of funny united nations jokes and even better united nations puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A teenager went to United Nations for help... The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
    He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."
  • Why is it hard to cooperate with the United Nations? Cause UN I will never be a thing.
  • Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving? It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.
  • What is the proper term for a nation without coherent leadership? Unpresidented
    The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.
  • Joseph didn't want to go to the United Nations meeting. He called in sick. I guess he was Stalin.
  • America, you're fired. Love, United Nations
  • According the United States National Tourism Office Wal Mart is the greatest place you can take your family to see the kind of people you used to have to pay admission to see in a freak show.
  • If the United Nations funded the creation of a Were-Wolf Would it be a supra-national creature?
  • You can call me xenophobic... But I think the United Nations has too many foreigners.
  • If you fall asleep during a United Nations meeting... ...did you literally just Rest in Peace?
United joke, If you fall asleep during a United Nations meeting...

Rib-Tickling United Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about united you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean formed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make united pranks.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."


He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

There's a plane crashing down...

On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."

Sleeping with POTUS

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.
"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."
"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.
"Listen, I'm the President of the United States, I can give you anything you want!"
She thinks for a moment and says "Well, I'd mighty like a plot at the Arlington National Cemetery if ya can do that fer me."
"Why does a young woman like you want a burial plot at the cemetery?"
"Because" she said, "When my friends and family find out what I just did they'll kill me!"

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...

Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting

Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"
Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

The U.N. initiates a poll...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."
The poll was a total failure.
The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Europeans did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of the world".

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, h**... announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.
"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.
"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.
"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.
Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has h**... seen this map?"

I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...

That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.
The survey went like this:
"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"
The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:
The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs
"give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!"
In that case," replied the mugger,


"give me my money."

The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via s**... contact.

Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.

Thief and a congressman

A thief stuck a p**... in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!

Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans...

Its called the United States.

A Chinese family of 5 decided to immigrate to the United States

Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu were told that in order to get a visa, they would have to Americanize their names.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China.

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

What's the difference between a triangle and Manchester United ?

A triangle has three points

'Knock knock'

'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :

"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."
The young boy thought for a moment and responded,
"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."

There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great.

I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking w**....

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.
Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight?

I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
In *da* pendent

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a s**... predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China

The United States doesn't use t**... techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of c**....
Of course, I called him immediately.
"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?

The United States of America.

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "g**..., we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.

When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly c**..., who would survive?

The United States of America.

A thief stuck a p**... in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!

The thief said, In that case, give me my money!

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, what do you all want to be when you grow up?
A farmer, shouts one.
An astronaut, shouts another.
The President of the United States, confidently says a little girl.
Who said that, shouts Trump. The little girl raises her hand and he darts eyes at her. He begins to fume, are you joking? Are you brainless? Are you a complete m**...? Are you s**...? Are you an idiot?
The little girl, taken aback, says, on second thought, nevermind! That sounds like too many requirements!

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

Due to travel restrictions this year...

United States had to organize coups at home

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

The longest drum solo.

Was 5 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on United Flight LY51 From Newark to Los Angeles.

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?
Random Guy: Monumental
Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!
(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?
Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jamaican.

An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".
The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".
The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his s**... and is refusing to wear any clothes.
As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"
The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

United joke, A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next presiden

jokes about united