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United Airlines Jokes

131 united airlines jokes and hilarious united airlines puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about united airlines that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest United Airlines Short Jokes

Short united airlines jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The united airlines humour may include short american airlines jokes also.

  1. Malaysian Airlines and United should merge That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.
  2. UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout
  3. Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines ceo Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
  4. Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
    2)Having an United Airlines ticket
    -Dan Regan
  5. On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal. At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.
  6. What's the difference between game of thrones and United Airlines? One has dragons and the other has drag-offs
  7. It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
  8. There was a race to see what company's​ planes flew fastest United Airlines beat everyone...
  9. United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane" Largest bill for Chinese take out to date
  10. What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat? You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

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United Airlines One Liners

Which united airlines one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with united airlines? I can suggest the ones about airlines and airlines flight.

  1. How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
  2. Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.
  3. United Airlines will treat you like a King! Rodney King, that is.
  4. Was going to do United Airlines joke But everyone already United Airlined me to it.
  5. 4/5 doctors recommend united airlines You can't beat that!
  6. Why was 1 afraid of 4? United Airlines.
  7. Have you heard the new United Airlines motto? "One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"
  8. I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets. Because they come pre-beaten.
  9. Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines? Con Air.
  10. Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion
  11. I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor... But it got carried away
  12. Unites Airlines newest in-flight cuisine Chinese Takeout
  13. United Airlines Boeing 777-200 Engine #2
  14. I booked an airline ticket with United Airlines It was a drag
  15. What food does United Airlines serve? Chinese take out.

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What funny jokes about united airlines you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean united jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make united airlines pranks.

the new United Airlines Olympics commercial is really good

But they forgot the part where Ryan Lochte kicks down the cockpit door and pees all over the flight deck.

I love to sleep n**....

...And that's why I am banned from flying united airlines.

What's united airlines new slogan?

Our seats are so comfortable, you won't want to leave.

United Airlines new name...

Uninvited Airlines

Did you hear that United Airlines just updated their motto?

"United Airlines: Beating our competition, AND our passengers, since 1926!"

Me and the wife found a cheap pair of tickets with United Airlines and decided it was time to join the Mile High club.

In the end all I got was beat off.

What's United Airlines most popular in-flight drink?

Punch.

If you play the United video backwards...

It looks like someone boarding a Spirit Airlines flight

"Its ok to hit a man with glasses."

- United Airlines

Q: A plane crashed and every single person died except four, Why?

A: Because they were flying United Airlines

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, Sir, do you have reservations?
He replied, Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway.

In response to the recent Airline controversy

We must stand United. This just doesn't fly.

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business...

...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

American airlines, Delta Air Lines, and United Airlines all had a race...

United Airlines beat them all, united airlines beats EVERYBODY.

In order for United Airlines to keep their business...

They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

The entire United Airlines incident could've been avoided...

if someone had offered a Pepsi.

A United Airline a day

Beats the doctor away

How do you solve terrorism?

Have them book a United Airlines flight, they will do the rest.

United airlines response to the media:

"we were not aware people would be able to take a video"

Careers at United Airline

1. Bouncers

Did you hear about United Airline's new inflight game, Mile-high Fight Club Simulator?

It never took off

I had a bad airline experience the other day...

I don't want to name names, but let's just say me and my luggage were not... "united".

United Airlines new customer service motto: If you can't beat 'em....

....BEAT 'EM!

United Airlines does not want you to talk about them

So they made a Fight Club

I think my work is boring and not challenging enough...

I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

I tried to book cheap tickets on the United Airlines..

But someone beat me to it.

The doctor on the United Airlines flight could have avoided being beaten so easily.

All he had to do was give the air marshal a Pepsi.

I was going to make a joke about the united airlines...

But someone already beat me to the punch.

UA at it again

If you can't beat them, join them.
-English saying
If you can't join them, beat them.
-United Airlines over booking policy

United Airlines just dropped a new song...

It's a big hit!

Good News! I heard that the US government will stop enhanced interrogations.

On a related note I hear that United Airlines has a new government contract.

United Airlines has just become the safest international airline

Not even terrorists would fly with them anymore

A message from Comcast...

Thank you United Airlines!

United airlines did get one good thing out of this all.

Everyone will volunteer their seat if they're over booked.

What do you call an Elite Team of United Airlines employees?

Steal Your Seat Team Six.

The perfect mother-in-law gift idea

United Airline tickets

What does United Airlines and The United Center have in common?

The cheap seat are nosebleed seats.

I'm pretty sure the list of passengers to be ejected from that United Airlines flight was...

...doctored.

My girlfriend has a new f**......

To be treated like a United Airlines customer

Did you hear that United Airlines has stopped serving beer?

But they still offer a nice strong punch.

What did the dog say about the United Airlines Employee?

Ruff

Most Airlines claim to have claim their customer service is "unbeatable"

Only United can say its is "undefeated"

The past few days summed up

Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.
Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

You were expecting a jab at United Airlines?

Near death experience with united airlines

Well it was more of a fight or flight moment

Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options.

They will now only sell punch.

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar...

They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

Pentagon awards new military contract to United Airlines

To forcibly remove Assad

Pepsi: Well THAT was the PR nightmare of the century.

Fox News: Hold my beer.
United Airlines: Jinx, owe me a Coke?
Pepsi: For reals?
Sean Spicer: Make it a double.

What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight?

A Ticket

What do you call a group of close friends doing c**... in an airplane?

UNITED AIR-LINES

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking w**....

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Whats a United Airlines staff favourite tune?

Beat it - Michael Jackson

I was going to make a United Airlines joke, but there's so many..

That it threw me off

What is the official vegetable of United Airlines?

Beets

United Airlines:

Enter as a Doc, leave as a patient

We should stop the jokes about United Airlines

At this point we're just dragging a dead horse.

How do you eat your United Airlines meal?

Through a straw.

Up next on Showbox...

Mayweather vs United Airlines staff.

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties

He said they punched his rights out.

Why do people fear flying with United Airlines?

Because they reach their bruising altitude before takeoff.

If United Airlines are ever underbooked

will they force people to get on?

As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities

Their first project will be Drag Racing

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse.

so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

United Airlines adds a new food item to their menu

Beet Salad

jokes about united airlines