unit Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious unit puns

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.


Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth


Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.


The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"


United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"


Why, in the United States, do we not have the letter "u" in words like "favourite" and "colour"?

Because fuck u and no one likes u, that's why.


What's the difference between watts and ohms?

Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.


One of the babies on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey

ICU baby, shaking that ass.


People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.


The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?



United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.


You're a unit of power, Harry.

Harry: I'm a watt?


You're a unit of power Harry

"Im a watt?"


The United States government.


The United States has such bad luck

It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.


United should rebrand to Adrenaline...

Since they promote "fight or flight".


"You're a unit of electrical energy, Harry."

"I'm a watt?"


What do you call the unit that measures emotions?

A sentimetre.


What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.


United really has gone downhill. Their service used to be great.

Hell, 16 years ago they would fly you right to your office!


The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure:

The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean. In china no one knew what 'opinion' was. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' was. In the middle east no one could figure out what 'solution' was; and in america they had no idea what 'the rest of the world' meant.


In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.


Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment


Dishonorable Discharge

A Marine gets into his dress uniform and goes to a brothel. The madam says to him "Hello there soldier, show me what you got".
The marine proceeds to drop his pants and says "watch this... TEN HUT!" and his unit becomes fully erect. He then says "at ease" and it drops. The madam is quite impressed and takes him into the parlor saying "You have got to show this to the other girls"
Arriving in the parlor with about 20 beautiful women in various stages of undress, the marine drops his pants again and says "TEN HUT". once again his manhood stands to attention "at ease" and once again it drop.
The girls start laughing and pointing "do it again, do it again"
Once again the marine says "TEN HUT" and the unit rises. "at ease"... nothing happens "AT EASE"... still rock hard "AT EASE GOD-DAMMIT" ... nothing. So the marine begins masturbating.
"What the fuck are you doing??" shout the women.
The marine replies "any soldier that doesn't follow orders deserves a dishonorable discharge."


United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date


Was going to do United Airlines joke

But everyone already United Airlined me to it.


A wind turbine and an A/C unit walk into a bar

The wind turbine asks: "Hey man! How's your job going?"

A/C unit: "ehh, it's cool but I'm not a huge fan."


What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?



A driver walks into a bar with a pet...

A driver walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.

The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle:)


The time Newfoundland went to war with Quebec

One time Newfoundland and Quebec went to war. A Newfie, being patriotic, signed up to fight and went into basic training. Now, Newfoundland was a poor province and the army didn't have enough guns so the guys was told to just pretend to have gun and shout "bang, bang".

Eventually he finished training and his unit was deployed. He still didn't have a gun so when they went up against the Quebeckers he did the only thing he knew, he pretended he had a gun and went "Bang, bang." Amazingly, when he did this the Quebeckers he was aiming at would fall down. So he kept going "Bang, bang" and was very effective as a soldier. He was a good shot.

Then, he looked up and saw a big Quebecker coming down the hill towards him. So he aimed and went "Bang, bang". The guy kept coming. "Bang, bang" - no effect. "Bang, bang" - no effect.

Eventually the Qiuebecker ran right over him and continued down the hill going "Tankity, tankity, tankity".


The United Nations is like a black father

You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .


A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

He puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd mumurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."


My father strongly believes that you should live every day like it's your last.

That's why, for the past 17 years, he's been stuck in an intensive care unit with a tube up his ass.


Burn unit

I asked the doctor what they did with all the foreskins after circumcisions, he told me that years ago they would send them to the burn unit for people with facial burns for eyelid reconstruction. I asked, why did they stop? He says, because ask the patients ended up looking cockeyed


"You're a unit of power Joe."

"I'm a Watt?"


What are the most funny Unit jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Unit? Well, here are the best Unit dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Unit pick up lines to share with friends.

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