The Best 80 Union Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Union jokes. There are some union voat jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these union in soviet union puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Union Jokes and Puns

Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him...

Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke

One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"

In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,

a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."

-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.

A CEO, a union worker and a tea party member sit down at a table ...

The union worker sets out a dozen cookies he baked.
The CEO grabs them all and tells the tea partier that the union member stole his cookie.

jokes about union

Woof

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

How many union workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter.

They're all on break.

*I'll show myself out*

I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...

[Apparently this was a real joke told by anti-communist citizens when Stalin was dictator of the Soviet Union]

Have you tried Stalin bacon before?

*I'm not sure.. I don't think so...*

Well, I know for certain that you haven't - the pig's not dead yet.

Union joke, I heard this joke from a foreign tour woman of a museum of Communism in Russia...

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...

Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.

Is it true that there was free speech in the Soviet Union and the US?

Yes, in principle. In the US, you can stand in front of the White House and shout, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Similarly, in the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square and shout, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in months. There he was, fuming with rage, when in walks The Angel, cheerful and bubbly as ever, and asks with a big smile,

"where should I put the Christmas tree, Santa?"

You can explore union association reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean union leadership dad jokes. There are also union puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.

I got full marx.

A dad joke with which we can all sympathize

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."

What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other?

A so-be-it union.

During the collapse of the Soviet Union...

... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.

**Survey man**: Where were you born?

**Woman**: St. Petersburg

**Survey man**: Where do you live now?

**Woman**: Leningrad

**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

**Woman**: St. Petersburg

Union joke, During the collapse of the Soviet Union...

With the UK leaving the EU, the union has some free space.

Exactly 1GB

I was talking to a girl about the establishment of the 4th Reich when a girl told me that I was being politically incorrect

Apparently the proper term is "European Union"

Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

Hero of the Soviet Union

[[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. "Hero of the Soviet Union" was the highest distinction awarded. ]]

A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything.

"I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union", he says.

A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Who has killed more indians than John Wayne?

Union Carbide Corporation

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941?

They were using Stalin-tactics

Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...

Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"

Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."

Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"

Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."

Union joke, Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office

In 1991, a country banned expressions of surrender, acceptance, or agreement.

That marked the fall of the "So be it" Union.

Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class

Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!

Little Kid starts crying

Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??

Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

In Soviet Union we had old joke about Stalin

But you would die laughing if you heard it

Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?

Because they were afraid of Stalin.

The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car?

They kept Stalin.

The Soviet Union should get back together...

To have a Soviet Reunion

There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA

You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan

Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"

The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."

Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government.

Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

What do you call a Communist Country who mass produces napkins?

The Serviette Union

A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father?

**Stalin** says the child.

Who's your mother?

**Mother Russia**

What do you want to be when you grow up?

**An orphan!**

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One vodka, please.

The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve vodka.

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.

If you go into someone's home

And they have a former Soviet Union banner hanging on the wall,

That's a big red flag.

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."

The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

If Russia became the Soviet Union again

It would be the Soviet Reunion

Why was the Soviet Union so good at Geometry?

Because they had a Supreme Ruler.

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

What do you call a southern divorce?

A secession from the union.

What do you call a Russian marriage?

A Soviet Union

What do you call an arranged marriage between two apathetic communists?

The so be it union.

Why didn't the Soviet Union publish any Where's Waldo books?

It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.

What do you call a group of indifferent communists

A So-be-it Union

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".

Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.

A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)

There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced

The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead

The other man says Why did you shoot him?

The soldier says I'm his friend I know where he lives he wouldn't have made it home in time

A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

I see that you applied to move to Israel? asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.

Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?

Yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?

Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?

Yeah, I can't complain.

So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?

Because There I can complain!

Why did Jeff Bezos get divorced?

He realized his marriage was a union.

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up. The man replies Morning or afternoon? The dealer says Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make? The man replies Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.

What do you call a Russian Wedding?

A soviet union.




Dont hate me if this is a repost. Its my first post

Why did Jeff bozos get divorced?

He realized that a wedding was a union

Jeff Bezos got a divorce...

because he found out it was a union.

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars.

Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' marriages both end in divorce?

Because they realized they were in a union.

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

The American and the Russian

Originally told by U.S. President Reagan in one of his speeches:

>An American and a Russian(before the fall of the Soviet Union) were bragging to one another.
>
>
>American: We have a lot of freedom of speech. We can just go to the White House, barge in the President's office and say: "Mr President, I don't like the way you are running this country!"
>
>
>Russian: That's nothing - we can also go to the Kremlin, barge in Gorbachev's office and say: "Mr General Secretary, I don't like the way President Reagan is running his country!"

I was disappointed that my sister started dating a guy who praised Stalin, idolized Karl Marx, and was working to form a union at work

I don't know she missed all the red flags

Do you know what you get when you tie two Communist table napkins together?

A Serviette Union

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"

The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"

To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"

What game were children actually encouraged to play in the Soviet Union?

ISpy

Jeff Bezos only got divorced because

he realized his marriage was a union.

Oh the irony?

On 2/02/22, both Groundhog Day and the US State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

One involves the meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication .

The other involves a groundhog

What's the difference between The Soviet Union and Russia?

The Soviet union had Pepsi and Coke.

I had this great joke about the Soviet Union...

But it just fell apart in the end.

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

There a man in the Soviet Union who always complained about the constant shortages

One day the KGB went to the apartment he lived and arrested him. The occupant of the apartment knew that he was gonna die so they didn't make a fuss out of it. But after a week much to the apartment's occupant surprise, the man returned relatively unharmed except for some bruises so the occupant asked him why he wasn't shot despite his constant criticism of the state. The man answered, "The Gulags have the same problem as we do, they've ran out of bullets!"

What's it called when two communists begrudgingly get married?

The So be it Union

The Seven Miracles of the Soviet Union

Miracle 1: Everyone had a job.
Miracle 2: Even though everyone had a job, no one worked.
Miracle 3: Even though no one worked, the project was always completed beyond expectations.
Miracle 4: Even though the project was always completed beyond expectation, there was never anything to buy.
Miracle 5: Even though there was never anything to buy, everyone had everything they could want.
Miracle 6: Even though everyone had everything they could want, everyone still stole.
Miracle 7: Even though everyone stole, nothing was ever missing.

Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union...

then that's a red flag

Yesterday, the Laundry Pressers Union walked off the job in the middle of their shift.

They wanted to strike while the iron was hot.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the union soviet union puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working union state of the union piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes