Uniform Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."

"Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

Can't Hold a Job

Bubba thought his new girlfriend might be the
one but after looking through her knicker drawer
and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's
outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally
decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

My daughter's new school uniform is really quite slutty

thats just one of the benefits of home schooling.

I told my girlfriend to wear her Starbucks uniform so we can roleplay during sex

She got my name wrong.

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those "plane clothes cops."

I heard women love a man in uniform..

Can't wait to start working at McDonalds.

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex...

He engages a lovely hooker and takes her up to his room.

He's going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks 'how am I doing?'

The hooker replies 'well Norman, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says 'you're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're definitely knot getting your money back!'

An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...

He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The prostitute replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your money back."

Tommy doesn't want to go to Sunday school

Sunday morning, Tommy tells his mom, "I don't want to go to Sunday school anymore. I want to go to the real service with you and Daddy."

To his surprise, he gets his way. He sits in the main sanctuary for the first time, and he notices a display he hadn't seen before. There's an American flag and a few photographs of men and women in uniform.

After the sermon, he asks his mom what it is. She says, "That's a memorial for some members of our church who died in the service."

Really quietly, Tommy says, "I think I'll go to Sunday school next week."

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha

November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel

India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo

Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo

Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar

Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform

November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo

Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform

The General's new clothes

Preparing for an imminent, decisive battle, the General calls his
experienced, trustworthy aid over for advice.

"I am undecided as to what color uniform to wear" he says, "what did the
great generals in history wear to their most important battles?"

"Well" the aid says, "Napoleon for example wore a red uniform, so just
in case he was injured, his men would not notice and keep fighting along
with him".

"Very well, then" says the general after a moment of contemplation,
staring deep in thought at his reflection in the mirror, "bring me my brown uniform".

Uniform colors

A British Officer is captured during the French-English wars. During a lull in the questioning, the French Officer asks:
"You know? I've always wondered why it is, that you English insist upon wearing these ridiculous, red costumes?"
The British Officer, immediately stiffens up and replies:
"Sir! I will have you know that British Officers wear Red uniforms, as to not instill fear in the men, in the event that one is shot, or otherwise wounded."
From that day forwards French Officers were known to have worn brown pants

What do you call a cheap maid uniform?

Maid in China.

She was already feeling very annoyed that night

The skimpy uniform the bar owner made them all wear was bad enough. It helped with tips, she guessed, and as a newly single mom she had to do whatever she could to pay the bills.

But the men! She could feel their oozing gazes following her as she buzzed around the room carrying drinks and clearing tables.

The last straw was when one table kept ordering single drinks, one at a time, making her come back over and over again. Finally frustrated, she blurted out

"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"

Wife: I said any fantasy. I wore the police uniform, isn't that enough?!

Me: No, no. Now say the words.

Wife: Fine!!

Me: .....

Wife: Sir, I have bad news about your wife

"I just love a girl in uniform"

Appropriate on the battlefield, but not at your local schoolyard.

I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always wanted a night in, shining armour.

Oh no...

A man in uniform pulled me over and said, "Sir can you get out the car please." I complied and he put handcuffs on me then pushed me onto the bonnet.

"Can you please tell me what I've done officer?"I asked.

"Oh I'm not an officer." he said, unbuckling his belt.

Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

TIL The New Jersey Devils have never changed their logo or uniform design/colours.

No new New Jersey jersey.

I am a proton held at rest next to a plate with a high positive charge in a uniform electric field

I have a lot of potential but I'm not doing any work.

I wrote this joke

Veterans day Bowe Bergdahl walks into an Applebees in his uniform.

Eats a hearty dinner, and is satisfied with it. Afterwards, the waitress comes over and asks. "Dessert sir?"

Bergdahl replies: "Already did"

What do you call it when a statistician secretly gives out clothes?

Discreet uniform distribution

If you can read this...

India Mike November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform.

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

A pilot walks into a bar..

The bartender says "before you tell me, I'm going to guess you're a pilot."

The pilot is amazed. "How do you know?"

The bartender replies "you're wearing your uniform, and you were in here last week telling everyone that you're a pilot."

The pilot replies. "At least I'm not a vegan."

I remember that one fateful day...

"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. That's when I felt the handcuffs go on."

-Jack Handy

I asked my friends to set me up with a guy in uniform

Garry from Walmart wasn't quite what I had in mind...

"Does this uniform make me look fat?"

Asked the insecurity guard.

Why did the nun never wear her uniform?

It was a bad habit.

A uniform company sent President Trump a dressed mannequin with no legs.

They heard Trump had issues with people taking the knees.

They say Napoleon got the shakes whenever he put on his uniform...

Modern scholars believe he may have had epaulettesy.

Uniformed personnel walk a fine line between being ignorant and being out of shape.

Add a letter and they're uninformed. Take one away and they're unformed.

Why does Anakin always move in a URM? (Uniform rectilinear motion)

Because he brought balance to the force.

I told my wife to spend the evening polishing my medieval battle uniform, whilst I went out to the pub.

She's always going on about wanting a night in, shining armour.

As I stare at the sliding glass, the reflection isn't my own. A stranger in uniform, with money at his fingers and cameras in the sky.

He looks content to stand, content not to go away. People wait for others, while he waits for everyone. He could survive here. A constant ringing in his ear, as grease forms around him, like a million orders of "Do this, do that." A corporation, his name, on his chest. His body, covered in WHAT he is, not WHO he is. A sad life it must be, to see others come and leave. I look him in his eyes... "and a large fries, please."

After a spate of bizarre crimes

Police want to speak to three men wearing high heels and short skirts but have been told they must wear their uniform

The French Army uniform

At an 18th century European peace conference, a French General struck up a conversation with a British General. The Frenchman asks the Brit, "Why is that your troops go into battle in those bright red coats? They seem awfully garish and opponents can see them coming from a mile away." "Well," says the Brit, "the red coats are so that if a soldier is wounded his fellows won't be able to see the blood and despair." "How clever," responds the French General. "I can see the wisdom in that. As a matter of fact something like that might benefit my troops as well!" And from that day forward, the French army has always gone into battle in brown pants.

What is the name of the uniform that judges wear?

Lawsuit.

Why do uniformed soldiers need to eat their fruits and vegetables?

If they don't, they'll be irregulars.

What are the funniest uniform jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Uniform? Well, here are the best Uniform puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Uniform pick up lines to share with friends.

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