The Best 45 Uniform Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Uniform jokes. There are some uniform insecurity jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these uniform battalion puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Uniform Jokes and Puns

Oh no...

A man in uniform pulled me over and said, "Sir can you get out the car please." I complied and he put handcuffs on me then pushed me onto the bonnet.

"Can you please tell me what I've done officer?"I asked.

"Oh I'm not an officer." he said, unbuckling his belt.

What do you call it when a statistician secretly gives out clothes?

Discreet uniform distribution

An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...

He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The prostitute replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your money back."

Uniform joke, An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...

My daughter's new school uniform is really quite slutty

thats just one of the benefits of home schooling.

Why do uniformed soldiers need to eat their fruits and vegetables?

If they don't, they'll be irregulars.

Uniformed personnel walk a fine line between being ignorant and being out of shape.

Add a letter and they're uninformed. Take one away and they're unformed.

Why was the Chinese chef embarrassed to change into his uniform?

Because of the Peking Duck.

Uniform joke, Why was the Chinese chef embarrassed to change into his uniform?

I am a proton held at rest next to a plate with a high positive charge in a uniform electric field

I have a lot of potential but I'm not doing any work.

TIL The New Jersey Devils have never changed their logo or uniform design/colours.

No new New Jersey jersey.

"Does this uniform make me look fat?"

Asked the insecurity guard.

What do you call a cheap maid uniform?

Maid in China.

You can explore uniform beret reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean uniform lima dad jokes. There are also uniform puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."

"Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

"I just love a girl in uniform"

Appropriate on the battlefield, but not at your local schoolyard.

They say Napoleon got the shakes whenever he put on his uniform...

Modern scholars believe he may have had epaulettesy.

I heard women love a man in uniform..

Can't wait to start working at McDonalds.

Uniform joke, I heard women love a man in uniform..

What do you call one form

A uniform


After a spate of bizarre crimes

Police want to speak to three men wearing high heels and short skirts but have been told they must wear their uniform

Hi Boss, this is Jerry. Won't be going to work today, it's a day without women... wife didn't wake me up in time, didn't prepare breakfast or had my work uniform ready.

I told my girlfriend to wear her Starbucks uniform so we can roleplay during sex

She got my name wrong.

"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

Wife: I said any fantasy. I wore the police uniform, isn't that enough?!

Me: No, no. Now say the words.

Wife: Fine!!

Me: .....

Wife: Sir, I have bad news about your wife

Why did the nun never wear her uniform?

It was a bad habit.

A pilot walks into a bar..

The bartender says "before you tell me, I'm going to guess you're a pilot."

The pilot is amazed. "How do you know?"

The bartender replies "you're wearing your uniform, and you were in here last week telling everyone that you're a pilot."

The pilot replies. "At least I'm not a vegan."

A uniform company sent President Trump a dressed mannequin with no legs.

They heard Trump had issues with people taking the knees.

I wrote this joke

Veterans day Bowe Bergdahl walks into an Applebees in his uniform.

Eats a hearty dinner, and is satisfied with it. Afterwards, the waitress comes over and asks. "Dessert sir?"

Bergdahl replies: "Already did"

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

I told my wife to spend the evening polishing my medieval battle uniform, whilst I went out to the pub.

She's always going on about wanting a night in, shining armour.

I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.

She always wanted a night in, shining armour.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

Why does Anakin always move in a URM? (Uniform rectilinear motion)

Because he brought balance to the force.

If you can read this...

India Mike November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform.

I asked my friends to set me up with a guy in uniform

Garry from Walmart wasn't quite what I had in mind...

A nun spilled a soda on her uniform one day, and hurried to get the laundry done.

The attendant commended her on swiftly cleaning up her coke habit.

What do you call someone with suspenders in a uniform school?


If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to schoolgirls

Just buy your wife a school uniform.

Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those "plane clothes cops."

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

You think your day was bad? Imagine being miles and miles away from home, hot and sweaty from the 50 pound uniform you're wearing , people don't accept you. They think you're a monster. Thank god there's other people like me or I wouldn't be able to handle being here .

Thank god for the furry convention.

I met my girlfriend while visiting the zoo. There she was, in her uniform...

straightaway I knew she was a keeper

What does a mythical horse wear?

A uniform

Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...

...and said, "make it sew."

My grandfather was an electrician during WWII.

His uniform had a helmet with two thunderbolts on it

You hear about the nurse who left his uniform in his buddy's car?

His scrubs were hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the uniform consistent jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working uniform attire piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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