Uniform Jokes
71 uniform jokes and hilarious uniform puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about uniform that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of witty jokes about uniforms. Whether it be school uniform, police uniform, military uniform, or Navy uniform, these humorous puns and one-liners explore the homogeneity of attire and the hilarity that comes with it! Get your berets ready and enjoy the funniest uniform jokes of all time.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Uniform Short Jokes
Short uniform jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The uniform humour may include short universal jokes also.
- I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
- "Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer." - Why do police officers wear blue? Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.
- Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted... ...a night in, shining armor.
- One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself.. .. this isn't for me.
- Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realized he was one of those "plane clothes cops." - I met my girlfriend while visiting the zoo. There she was, in her uniform... straightaway I knew she was a keeper
- [OC] Grandad was a Flash cosplayer back in his days Cause I have found some of his gray uniforms from the 1940's with thunder signs on it.
- Why do soldiers have to wear such fancy uniforms? Because they don't allow civilian casual tees!
- They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist? A uniformed racist!
Share These Uniform Jokes With Friends
Uniform One Liners
Which uniform one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with uniform? I can suggest the ones about consistent and random.
- Why is the army so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...
- I heard women love a man in uniform.. Can't wait to start working at McDonalds.
- Where do football players go for new uniforms? New Jersey
- What do you call a Marine wearing an air force uniform? Artificial intelligence
- I was told that women love a man in uniform. I can't wait to start working at McDonalds.
- What do you call a cheap maid uniform? Maid in China.
- Q. Why does this Star Trek uniform stink? A. William Shatner
- Be careful if you decide to sew nun uniforms It's habit forming.
- Where do hockey players go to get another uniform? New Jersey
- "Does this uniform make me look fat?" Asked the insecurity guard.
- Why did the nun never wear her uniform? It was a bad habit.
- What does a mythical horse wear? A uniform
- What do you call someone with suspenders in a uniform school? Suspended
- What fabric softener is used on the uniforms at the Special Olympics? Downy
- What do you call one form A uniform
*cringe*
Police Uniform Jokes
Here is a list of funny police uniform jokes and even better police uniform puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly underwear But the chief inspector said they must wear their normal uniforms.
- Police want to interview a man suspected for a string of robberies wearing stockings and suspenders. However, the Chief Constable has insisted they wear their normal uniform.
- Wife: I said any fantasy. I wore the police uniform, isn't that enough?! Me: No, no. Now say the words.
Wife: Fine!!
Me: .....
Wife: Sir, I have bad news about your wife - I found my girlfriend in bed with three police officers. She just shrugged. You said experiment with uniforms!
- After a spate of bizarre crimes Police want to speak to three men wearing high heels and short skirts but have been told they must wear their uniform
School Uniform Jokes
Here is a list of funny school uniform jokes and even better school uniform puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to schoolgirls Just buy your wife a school uniform.
- My daughter's new school uniform is really quite s**... thats just one of the benefits of home schooling.
Silly & Ridiculous Uniform Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about uniform you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean standard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make uniform pranks.
Oh no...
A man in uniform pulled me over and said, "Sir can you get out the car please." I complied and he put handcuffs on me then pushed me onto the bonnet.
"Can you please tell me what I've done officer?"I asked.
"Oh I'm not an officer." he said, unbuckling his belt.
What do you call it when a statistician secretly gives out clothes?
Discreet uniform distribution
An old sailor decides to get in uniform and hit the "red light" district, for one last good time...
He finds himself a willing "date", and after a bit of haggling, the price is settled on, and the transaction is made. After about 10 minutes, he asks the lady, "How am I doin', honey?" The p**... replies, "About 3 knots, sailor... you're not hard, you're not in, and you're not gettin' your money back."
A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a c**....
The c**... has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the c**... into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
Uniformed personnel walk a fine line between being ignorant and being out of shape.
Add a letter and they're uninformed. Take one away and they're unformed.
I am a proton held at rest next to a plate with a high positive charge in a uniform electric field
I have a lot of potential but I'm not doing any work.
TIL The New Jersey Devils have never changed their logo or uniform design/colours.
No new New Jersey jersey.
I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
"I just love a girl in uniform"
Appropriate on the battlefield, but not at your local schoolyard.
They say Napoleon got the shakes whenever he put on his uniform...
Modern scholars believe he may have had epaulettesy.
I told my girlfriend to wear her starbucks uniform so we can roleplay during s**...
She got my name wrong.
A pilot walks into a bar..
The bartender says "before you tell me, I'm going to guess you're a pilot."
The pilot is amazed. "How do you know?"
The bartender replies "you're wearing your uniform, and you were in here last week telling everyone that you're a pilot."
The pilot replies. "At least I'm not a vegan."
A uniform company sent President Trump a dressed mannequin with no legs.
They heard Trump had issues with people taking the knees.
I wrote this joke
Veterans day Bowe Bergdahl walks into an Applebees in his uniform.
Eats a hearty dinner, and is satisfied with it. Afterwards, the waitress comes over and asks. "Dessert sir?"
Bergdahl replies: "Already did"
I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub.
She always wanted a night in, shining armour.
Why does Anakin always move in a URM? (Uniform rectilinear motion)
Because he brought balance to the force.
If you can read this...
India Mike November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform.
I asked my friends to set me up with a guy in uniform
Garry from Walmart wasn't quite what I had in mind...
Retired Sailor
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a p**... and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The p**... says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."
The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the m**... case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...
"Please, just wear your police uniform."
You think your day was bad? Imagine being miles and miles away from home, hot and sweaty from the 50 pound uniform you're wearing , people don't accept you. They think you're a monster. Thank god there's other people like me or I wouldn't be able to handle being here .
Thank god for the furry convention.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...
...and said, "make it sew."
My grandfather was an electrician during WWII.
His uniform had a helmet with two thunderbolts on it
You hear about the nurse who left his uniform in his buddy's car?
His scrubs were hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
A man gets on a plane and sits next to a uniform cop
The man has the biggest s**... eating grin on his face.
Half way though the flight, the cop has had enough of the grinning man and says "what's the big deal buddy? Never seen a cop on a plane before?"
"No sir, it's not that. You're the reason my wife will finally let me do that ONE thing in bed."
Puzzled, the cop asks why.
"Well, my wife said we could do that only when pigs fly"
So, I had a commanding officer from Australia
Of course I used this fact to make stereotypical jokes and stuff.
He seemed rather calm towards it.
But two weeks later I realised I'm only one who was transfered between different squads.
And they were:
Charlie;
Uniform;
November;
Tango.
My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full d**... bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.
I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.
The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...
"Please, just wear your police uniform."
We were changing shifts at the fish sticks factory at the grinder station....
I was at the end of my shift, spattered with oily fish gore, and had my hand in the corkscrew feeder trying to pull a stick bit of bone out. My coworker, in his fresh beginning of shift uniform, reached in to help and his dry cotton sleeve caught and he was pulled in to a gruesome death. As I stood there watching in horror I thought to myself...
There but for the grease of Cod go I…
Just been to London and had a terrible time. Joined a queue for the public toilets.
Had to wait 12 hours and at the end of it four blokes in uniform tackled me to the ground before I could even get a good stream going.
