Unfaithful Wife Jokes
27 unfaithful wife jokes and hilarious unfaithful wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about unfaithful wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Unfaithful Wife Short Jokes
Short unfaithful wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The unfaithful wife humour may include short unfaithful jokes also.
- Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
- A wife was dying. A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you." - 1 out of 3 people (Oops) I read that ONE out of three people in a relationship, were unfaithful.
I'm trying to determine if it's my WIFE or my MISTRESS. - In a maternity ward, a new father is worried that his wife might have been unfaithful... "Do you think he even looks like me?" he asks the nurse.
"Yeah, but it's OK. At least he's healthy."
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Unfaithful Wife One Liners
Which unfaithful wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with unfaithful wife? I can suggest the ones about cheating husband and jealous wife.
- What do you call an aging chef with an unfaithful wife? A cookold.
Unfaithful Wife Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about unfaithful wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make unfaithful wife pranks.
A husband in the hospital is on his deathbed. He confesses to his wife...
Darling, my life is slipping away I want you to know that I've been unfaithful to you with 3 other women.
His wife holds his hand comfortingly and whispers, I Know. That's why I poisoned you.
My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys died in a car c**......
There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."
Eggs
A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."
She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"
UNFAITHFUL WIVES
A man is talking to his friend "I think my wife is being
unfaithful to me. And I think she's going out with a tennis
player."
The friend asks "Tennis player? Why?"
"Because", answers the other, "I found a racquet under our bed".
The friend thinks for some seconds and says "Gee, I think then
my wife is being unfaithful to me with a horse".
"A horse?? How come? Why??"
"Because I found a jockey under our bed."
The coach discovers he is going to die in a week
He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.
A man goes to the therapist and says...
"Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can't take this anymore!"
The therapist says: "Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly: where's Larry's bar?"
Faithfull
After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to ST.Poerre and asked:
Where is my husband?
He is lying on the sewing-machine table St.Pierre replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Final words
A man is holding his wife's hand as shes lying on her death-bed.
"j**... , I have something to tell you before I pass on," she whispers."
"No, no, dear," says j**.... "Everything is forgiven now. All is well."
"No j**..." she mumbles." I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I... I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."
"Yes,dear I know," Says j**.... "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Juno and Jupiter Sitting in Space
jupiter's moons were named after the Roman god's mistresses and this week NASA sent a spacecraft named after his wife, Juno, to observe the planet. If they find evidence that Jupiter has been unfaithful, the next thing NASA will be sending is a Death Star.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
an unfaithful man
what does an unfaithful man say to his wife after having s**...?
I'll be home in half an hour.
Th couple with 10 kids.
A husband and wife had 9 kids and just recently had their 10th.
However the 10th child looked strangely different to the rest and this made the father suspicious of unfaithfulness on his wife's behalf.
So one day he sat his wife down and demanded she tell him who the father is.
The wife, a little overwhelmed by the confrontation gave it up pretty easy. She said: "Okay, okay, ... it's you".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was at the grocery store
when he suddenly notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She smiles and says hello.
The man is puzzled and can't recall where he knows her from.
He says, "Do you know me?"
The woman replies, "You're the father of one of my kids."
The man's mind is racing and he goes back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife.
He says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my b**... with a wet cucumber?"
She pauses and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's elementary teacher."
Little Suzy sees her mother in bed with the mailman
Innocent but curious, she tells her father the very next day.
"Ok, Suzy" replies her father, "Our relatives are coming over for dinner later. I think you ought to tell them what you saw too."
At dinnertime, Suzy is waiting for everyone to sit down. As soon as Uncle Billy Bob takes his seat, she beats her glass like a triangle to call attention.
"I saw mommy and the mailman the other day..." she starts
Her father butts in, looks at his wife, and yells "Unfaithful! Come on, dear, finish the story."
"...doing what daddy and Aunt Christie do whenever mommy's not home." she continues
Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.
It was her grandmother.
Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?
Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.
Wife: what is it?
Grandmother: Love
After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one. It was his first wife.
Husband: what must I do to get through Heavens Gate?
Wife: you must spell just one word.
Husband: what is it?
Wife: Checkeloslovahkeah
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary....
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary when the husband asks his wife if she's ever been unfaithful.
"Three times," answer the wife. "Remember when you needed money to start up your business and no one would give you any? Well I slept with the bank manager to secure you a loan."
"You made that sacrifice for me?" asks the astonished husband. "That was wonderful of you. What was the second time?"
"Remember that operation you needed that no one would perform because it was too dangerous? Well, I slept with the surgeon so he'd do it."
"Oh my God," says the husband. "You saved my life. And what was the third time?"
"Well," says his wife, "Remember when you wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 52 votes short...?"
A man becomes suspicious that his wife is cheating on him
So he confronts her and she admits that there have been three points of time that she has been unfaithful.
He asks her what the first time was, and she says, "remember when you had your heart attack but couldn't figure out how we paid the doctor?"
He says, "I guess you saved my life, I have to forgive you for that. What was the second time?"
"Well, do you remember when you lost your job, and couldn't figure out how we made house payments?"
"I guess I can't fault you for that time. You saved our house. But what was the third time?"
"Well, do you remember when you were running for president of your golf league and needed 79 more votes?"
Cheating for "Good" Reasons
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My all time favorite joke that my dad told me: The Unfaithful Husband and His Snails
This married couple decided to stay in one night instead of going out to eat, and so the wife looks at the husband and says, Sweetheart, I feel like escargo tonight. Can you go get some fresh snails?" So the husband agrees and takes a bucket over to the beach to find some snails. Just as he put the last snail in his bucket, he saw these gorgeous women looking in his direction, so he decided to go and say hello. After much flirting, they girls invited him back to their apartment, to which of course he obliged. They end up having the wildest craziest s**... imaginable, all three of them. But the husband looked up and realized he'd been gone for hours and it was almost dinner time and he hadn't even brought back the snails! So he grabbed his bucket of snails and ran back home, not stopping the entire way. Just as he made his way up the stairs to his house, he tripped on the last step and the snails went flying everywhere just as his wife opened the door. Before she could ask where he had been all day, the husband got down on his hands and knees and says to the snails, C'mon little guys, we're almost there! You can make it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him.
She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, "Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."
She responds, "My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy's mind reels with shock, and he thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife. He asks, "Were you the dancer at my batchelor party, who my friends paid to tie me up and ride me, while I was drunk?"
The lady responds, "No - I'm your son's Math teacher."
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.
She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore.
After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter.
Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said.
"As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."