Underwear Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It's laundry day.

Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

What Size Underwear Do Feminists Wear?

#Double Standard.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, Hey man, what are you supposed to be?
He replies, Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle.
His friends respond, A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?
The man replies, Oh that's just Michelle.

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

(from my 8 year old) What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?

His butt quack

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

An Asian guy and this girl are driving in a car...

The girl decides it would be nice of her to give the guy a blowjob. They both agree. She starts to take off his pants, but before she gets past his underwear the girl looks up and says"Is it true what they say about Asian guys?" and he turns to her and says" Sadly it is." then he crashes the car and they both die.

Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

Got caught smelling my sisters underwear yesterday.

Made the rest of her funeral very fucking awkward.

Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris

Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.

Man goes to a Halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman strapped to his back.

His friend sees him and says, "Hey, what are you meant to be?"

"Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle" he replies

His friend responds, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"

The man replies, "oh, that's just Michelle"

Why don't witches wear underwear?

... to get a better grip

Why do prostitutes love wearing underwear

Because it keeps their ankles warm

Have you met the guy with 5 dicks?

His underwear fits like a glove.

What does a porn star do to stay calm on set?

Pictures everyone in their underwear.

"Doctor, I have an embarrassing medical problem..." NSFW

Well, what is it?" asks the doctor.

"I have five penises."

"Five penises!," exclaims the doctor, "How does your underwear fit?"

"Like a glove!"

A man goes to a halloween party...

...in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and ask,

"Hey man, what are you meant to be?"
He replies, "I'm a turtle."
His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's just Michelle."

What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

I once met a man with 5 penises. I said "That must be rough"...and "how does your underwear fit?"

He said "Like a glove!"

I got caught sniffing underwear...

I got caught sniffing my friend's sister's underwear the other day,

What made it worse was she was still wearing them,

Made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

I've just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear.

This can only mean one thing.

She's behind with the laundry.

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
...Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom:...

Physical Examination Time!

A man goes to the doctor to get a full physical examination. At one point the doctor asks him to remove his pants and underwear and then proceeds to examine the man's balls. Whilst fondling the man's balls, the doctor says "It's perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure". The man, a little puzzled, says "I don't have an erection", to which the doctor replies, "I do".

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothesline.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

Wife told her husband

A man's wife comes up to him and tells him, Take off my shirt. So he does.

She then tells him, Take off my skirt and high heels. So he does.

Then she tells him, Take off my bra and underwear. So he does.

Finally she tells him, I better never find you wearing my clothes again.

There's a man living near me who has 5 Penises.

Rumour has it his underwear fit him like a glove.

A man sits in a bar with a very nice watch.

Suddenly a woman comes to him and says:"You really have a nice watch!"

"Yes, it is." He says. "I can watch TV on it, surf the internet, there's a dedicated dictionary on it, I can phone with it and I can see that you are not wearing any underwear."

The woman looks at him puzzled and says: "But I do have underwear on."

The man replies: "Oh damn, my watch is one hour ahead again!"

I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing

She's behind with the washing.

Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful

Thought of this in traffic yesterday

A boy offers a girl $100 to climb a pole

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $200 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

My mom asked me what i wanted for xmas. I told her some clothes and something small to play with

She gave me underwear with a hole cut in the front

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

An old man doesn't feel well...

So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

I got caught fapping while sniffing the underwear of my friends mother.

It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't wearing them at the time.


He went fucking ballistic.


Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward for the both of us.

My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.

Girl and the flagpole

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: Okay. (climbs the flagpole)

Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole.

Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!

...Next Day...

(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 bucks to climb the flagpole!

Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)

Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 bucks for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

This woman stumbled upon something called "magic underwear"...

... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?"

The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!"

The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later.

"You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager.

The manager said to her, "Of course it does, miss."

"Then explain to me why I'm pregnant."

The manager simply replied, "Did you take it off?"

The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

I met a guy with five penises

His underwear fits him like a glove.

A terrible joke

My friend was really mad at me because I was masturbating while sniffing his sisters underwear I think it was because she was still in them. It really made the rest of her funeral a real drag.

Why dont witches wear underwear?

So they can get a good grip on the broomstick

A man walks into a doctor's office...

A man walks into a doctor's office and says "Doctor, listen, I've been having troubles with my five penises." The doctor responds, "Five penises! That's incredible, how does your underwear fit?". The man says, "Like a glove".

A friend got mad at me for smelling his girlfriends underwear

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them, or because the whole family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

BodyBuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was

A man walks into a costume party

Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.

A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"

"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.

"And who is this on your back?"

"Oh, that's just Michelle."

(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"

He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.

She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

A short poem about women's underwear...

> Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
Heather's are green.

~Lee Mack

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole.

Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
Next Day:
(Same boy) I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him, this time I wasn't wearing underwear!
Mom:...

Nuns

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

1 nun: Oh, No!

99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

Girls Night Out

Two women had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. As they walked home incredibly drunk, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave, and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn 'girls night out' have to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

My grandpa's favorite joke

A man runs into a psychiatrist's office exclaiming that he has gone crazy. The psychiatrist asks this random fellow why he thinks he is crazy, to which the man retorts, "I've been wearing cellophane underwear for the past week!" The psychiatrist, in slight disbelief, asks the man to prove it. The man swiftly pulls down his trousers to reveal that he was wearing home-made cellophane underwear. After a moment of examination, the psychiatrist exclaims, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Why does the Pirate Wear Camouflage Underwear?

To hide his booty.

A young girl comes home one day

And runs straight to her mum

"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"

The next day the girl comes home with $50

"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"

The girl responded

"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, I will not laugh."

The man reluctantly agreed and dropped his trousers. Once he removed his underwear, the doctor saw his penis was the smallest she'd ever seen. Similar in width to a pencil and not much longer than the eraser on the end of one.

The doctor tried her best not to laugh, but couldn't help letting out a chuckle, which she played off as a cough.

"Okay, now what's the problem?" asked the doctor.

"It's swollen."

The doctor left the room.

3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells"

He is allowed into heaven

The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear

Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?!

The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"

What's the best way to start an underwear presentation?

Start with a brief introduction.

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants

My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, I noticed you were wearing some lace underpants."

"Yeah, they are women's underpants."

"Oh - okay. I didn't know you were... er... since when did you start wearing that?"

"Well, ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

An old lady nags her husband into going to the doctor for a physical

The doctor says, "Well sir, you haven't had a check up in a long time, so I'll need samples of your blood, your urine, your stool, and your semen."

The old guy is hard of hearing, and says, "WHAT???"

His wife says, "Give the doctor your underwear!"

Job opportunity

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more – Can you give me some more details? he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.
Oh, okay… is that where the job is?
No sir – that's where the end of the line is right now.

Two women were walking home from a night out...

When they both decided they needed to take a piss , so they quickly hopped over a wall into a cemetery and did their business.
A few days later the husbands of these two women were at the pub, when one said to the other "i think my wife is having a affair" "how come" the other one responded "well i found some flowers in her underwear the other day" the other guy quiclkly responded and said "you think thats bad i found a note, we will miss you lots, All the lads at the fire station.

My wife's got Meatloaf underwear.

On the front they say, 'I would do anything for love'. On the rear they say, 'But I won't do that'.

The man with a baby-sized penis.

A man and woman were on a first date. Things were going well so he felt obligated to tell her.

"I just want to let you know, before we go further that you're okay with something..." he says.

"What is it?" She curiously inquires.

"I have a baby-sized penis." He hesitantly admits.

"Oh don't worry about that, I'm sure we'll figure something out after a few drinks." She says as she winks and smiles.

Later that night they are in his apartment. Things start to get heavy and clothes come off. As he takes off his underwear, she let's out a gasp.

"I didn't know a penis could be that size?! She says.

"I told you it's the size of a baby. Eight pounds 6 ounces."

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?

My neighbor came up to me and asked if I knew anything about her missing underwear.

I tell you I nearly shit her pants.

A wife wants to spice up her sex life...

So she goes decides to try crotchless panties. Her husband gets home from work and she's on the couch waiting for him. He walks by, looks at her, then goes in the kitchen and gets a beer. He comes back and sits down like nothing happened.

Finally, the frustrated wife yells "Don't you want some of this?"

And he says "Fuck no, look what it did to your underwear."

ANOTHER guy goes to the doctor...

...and the doctor says "I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample, a semen sample, and a blood sample."
The guy says, " I'm in kind of a hurry. Can I just leave you my underwear?"

What type of underwear does a fetus wear?

Fruit of the womb.

Two women go out one night

Two women go out one night without their husbands. They go to a bar, have a chat along with a couple of drinks and then head back home. On the way home one of them turns to the other and says:





"Sorry, but I need to go to a toilet. Can we stop for a minute?"





The other looks at her and replies "I also have to go there, but where can we go in the middle of the street?"





"Oh, look, there is a cemetery over there we can go there."






"Yes, but how are we going to wipe?"






"Well I have my underwear, so I will use that."






"I am not wearing underwear now, but I will think of something."








The next day their husbands meet and discuss.





"Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home with no underwear."





"Well you are luckier than me, my wife came home with a ribbon in her ass and on the ribbon it was written: 'We will never forget you, -Johnson brothers' ."

Have you heard about the man with five penises?

His underwear fit like a glove.

A girl and a boy are at recess one day...

Boy : I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb the flagpole
Girl : Ok! (climbs the flagpole)
(Later that day)
Girl : Mommy, mom! A boy payed me money to climb a flagpole!
Mother : (chuckles) He just wants to see your underwear.

-NEXT DAY-

Boy : I'll pay you TWENTY bucks to climb the flagpole.
Girl : Alright! (climbs the flagpole)

-Later that day-

Girl : Mom, the same boy payed me twenty bucks to climb the flagpole; but I tricked him this time, and I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom : .........

Golf Panties

Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.

"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb......Tidy yerself up a bit."

A cheers for women's underwear...

...they might not be the best thing, but they are the closest thing to it

I know a guy with 5 penises.

His underwear fits likes a glove.

What are the funniest underwear jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Underwear? Well, here are the best Underwear puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Underwear pick up lines to share with friends.

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