understood Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious understood puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

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I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

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In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

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English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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I have never understood a true dilemma..

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says:
"You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

"To whom do you turn your back?"

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What is a dilemma?

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

"To whom do you turn your back?"

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English is a difficult language.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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Two guys drinking at the bar...

Bubba: "You know, I've never understood what dilemma is.."
Jimmy: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.
To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
Bubba: So where's the dilemma?"
Jimmy: To whom do you turn your back?"

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Fitness is important

Being healthy and in good shape is important. My grandmother understood this better than anyone. When she turned 75 she started walking 5 miles a day.
She's 90 now, and we have no idea where the hell she is.

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Two guys over a drink at the bar. Chump: You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

Chucky: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
Chump: So where's the dilemma?"
Chucky: To whom do you turn your back?"

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What's a pirate's favourite...

What's a pirate's favourite architectural feature?

An *arrr*ch.

What's a pirate's favourite place to play?

A p*arrr*k.

What's a pirate's favourite thing to do to women?

Rape.

I never understood why society romanticises pirates.

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Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

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I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

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Some say English is tough...

Some say English is tough, it can be understood through thorough thought though.

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My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

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I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

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My lesbian friend gave a me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think she understood when I said: "I wanna watch."

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Another joke my grandpa used to tell me

"So, there was this Nazi who walked into a bar. It was mine, and he died on the spot."

He then cackled maniacally, and I never understood the joke until I found out that BAR= Browning Automatic Rifle.

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I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

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I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday...

But I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch

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my brother just called me (11pm) with a joke so funny he was still laughing

**what is a bear without teeth?**

**answer: a gummy bear**

since he made it up all by himself, i informed him that i could no longer publicly claim him as my brother. he understood completely.

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My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."

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I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense

All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie.

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How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"


"NO!" Tim answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"


By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, Tim answered, "NO!"


The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.


Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

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How to Get to Heaven

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken whan a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"

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I have never understood why living in the poor part of town...

...makes your skin darker.

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

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Probability theory

Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion - a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with him when he flew since it reduced the risk of having a bomb on the plane from 1 in a million to 1 in a trillion.

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I Am Sikh

Khushwant Singh told a friend:

"Once I was travelling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sardar before. Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady. Her name was Margarita and she belonged to Spain.
During the conversation, she asked, "what are you?"
I replied, "I am Sikh."
"I am sorry," said the young lady, "hope you get well soon."
To this I replied,"no dear, I am not sick as that of the body, I am Sikh as of religion."
The lady was very pleased and shook hands with me and said, "it is nice meeting you, I am also sick of religion." "

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Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella

Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!

Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

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My lesbian neighbours gifted me a Rolex today!

I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch.

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Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me.....

I've had over 9 successful marriages.

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What are the most funny Understood jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Understood? Well, here are the best Understood dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Understood pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes