Understood Jokes

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

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I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

English is a difficult language.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

What's a pirate's favourite...

What's a pirate's favourite architectural feature?

An *arrr*ch.

What's a pirate's favourite place to play?

A p*arrr*k.

What's a pirate's favourite thing to do to women?

Rape.

I never understood why society romanticises pirates.

Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

Some say English is tough...

Some say English is tough, it can be understood through thorough thought though.

My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

My lesbian friend gave a me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think she understood when I said: "I wanna watch."

I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

my brother just called me (11pm) with a joke so funny he was still laughing

**what is a bear without teeth?**

**answer: a gummy bear**

since he made it up all by himself, i informed him that i could no longer publicly claim him as my brother. he understood completely.

The lesbian couple across the street got me a Rolex for my birthday

It's beautiful and a very thoughtful gift, but I think they miss understood me when I said I wanna watch .

I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense

All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie.

How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"


"NO!" Tim answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"


By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, Tim answered, "NO!"


The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.


Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

How to Get to Heaven

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken whan a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"

I have never understood why living in the poor part of town...

...makes your skin darker.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

Probability theory

Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion - a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with him when he flew since it reduced the risk of having a bomb on the plane from 1 in a million to 1 in a trillion.

I Am Sikh

Khushwant Singh told a friend:

"Once I was travelling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sardar before. Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady. Her name was Margarita and she belonged to Spain.
During the conversation, she asked, "what are you?"
I replied, "I am Sikh."
"I am sorry," said the young lady, "hope you get well soon."
To this I replied,"no dear, I am not sick as that of the body, I am Sikh as of religion."
The lady was very pleased and shook hands with me and said, "it is nice meeting you, I am also sick of religion." "

I've never understood the difference between butter and ghee.

Perhaps someone could clarify.

Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella

Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!

Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

My lesbian neighbours gifted me a Rolex today!

I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch.

Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me.....

I've had over 9 successful marriages.

My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for Christmas

I don't think they understood when I said 'I wanna watch'

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"

I never understood that until I saw two midgets fighting in Wal-Mart.

A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes

After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.

I have never understood why people abbreviate July as Jul.

i mean seriously y?

Did you hear about the hunter who got squashed by the dying elephant?

He finally understood the gravity of his actions.

My lesbian neighbors got me a rolex for my birthday

But I don't think they understood when I said I want to watch

I've never understood why new pencils come unsharpened...

Seems pretty pointless to me.

I fondly remember my dad telling me this one, but i never understood it until recently.

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.

He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

I've finally understood the meaning of "politics"

It's derived from "poly", the Greek word for "many", and "tics", a blood sucking parasite.

Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting

They had a delightful conversation, until Putin wanted to show off the loyalty of his men. Putin ordered one of his bodyguards to jump off the window. The bodyguard seemed hesitant, and horrified, he begged for mercy.

"Please sir! I got a wife and kids!"

Putin seemed unsatisfied, but yet he understood since he practically asked the bodyguard to kill himself. Kim looked at Putin with sadistic smirk on his face, and Kim turned to his bodyguard nodded.

Without a second of hesitation, Kim's bodyguard ran into a window and tried to jump off. Putin bodyguard seemed shocked, he rushed to Kim's man and stopped him from jumping off. Then Kim's bodyguard yelled,

"Please sir! I got wife and kids!"

Corporate Story

At a meeting, theΒ Boss told a joke.Β 
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.Β 
The Boss asked him, 'Didn't you understand my joke?'Β 
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

A Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

People have often said that bees making honey sounds cool...

...but honestly, I never understood what all the buzz was about.

Joe saw a sexy young exotic girl walking out from a bank, a remote control dropped from her mini skirt.

He picked it up and planed to give it back.

But the girl looked at him, her face turned red and seemed nervous and coy.

Joe understood it all of a sudden...

He smiled obscenely and pressed the button on the remote.

Then the bank exploded.

I've never understood why homophobes would like clothes

they usually come out of the closet, and that's gay

It didn't take long for my son to learn about lizards.

He understood from the ge-cko

I never understood what was so good about having a threesome...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I could just go have dinner with my parents.

What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on my organ


My dad told me this joke when I was 5, I finally understood it 19 years later. Hope it doesn't take you that long

In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.

I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.

My doctor said I need to eat more Taco Bell

He actually said I was constipated, but I understood what he meant.

Why some of your hairs have turned white?

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"

Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."

Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

What jokes do you know that can only be understood if you know two (or more) languages?

Like a joke that involves a pun on a word that has different meanings in different languages.

Please tell us what languages they are in.

I thought I understood the meaning of when pigs fly,

But then the swine flew.

I heard somebody making fun of bridge suicides the other day and I was a bit offended

I don't think they understood the gravity of the situation

This new Rolex that the lesbian couple next door got me for Christmas is nice and all...

...but I don't think they understood what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".

Threesomes

I never understood the obsession with threesomes , if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would have lunch with my parents.

A teacher assigns her students to read a chapter of a book.

"Class, I want you to read chapter 31 of the book I assigned you. Understood?"

The entire class agreed. "Okay. Class is dismissed. Remember to read it."

Skip to the next day in the classroom. "Okay, so whoever read chapter 31, please stand up."

Every student stood up. "Now, all of you go to the principals office."

Every student is shocked and confused.

"Why, you ask? There isn't any chapter 31!".

I never understood the concept of lunch money

It doesn't taste any different than regular money.

My Chinese friend from Wuhan emailed us a joke about how Covid-19 began, but nobody understood.

I guess you had to be there to get it.

So my brother was playing FFVII...

And he always named Cloud as "Grin". I never understood why. Every time he played a new game, he would name him "Grin". The other characters he left the same...Tifa, Yuffie, Cait Sith, it was just Cloud.

One day, he was playing with just two guys (Red XIII was on the team, but he never revived him). Confused, I asked "Why are you only using two characters?"

"I saw this challenge online where you beat the game with only two characters. I needed a challenge, so I'm doing a run of it right now." he replied.

"Really?" I questioned, "Just two characters?"

"Yep. Just Grin and Barret."

How do you ruin a joke?

By explaining it.
Because you know, jokes are supposed to be understood implicitly, without you having to say the reason behind why the punchline is funny.

Today is my birthday,

and my lesbian neighbors decided to gift me a Rolex. I don't think they quite understood when I said "I wanna watch".

No one understood my joke about the virus outbreak...

I guess you had to be there to get it.

Two men walk into a bar.

The first one says "I'll have some H2O"

The second one says "I'll have some H2O2"

The bartender brought out two glasses of water because he understood that the second guy meant too and not two.

I never really understood the hype about having two cell phones

I guess you could say I'm a single celled organism

I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

I explained to my son how batons are used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

Dad's joke: What kind of bee can never be understood?

A mumble-bee

Who knows where Jesus is?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Asexual Reproduction.

I never really understood the appeal of asexual reproduction. But, You do you, I guess.

Bubba n' Buford IV

Law enforcement officers in east Texas must also be linguists on occasion just to communicate. Take the time Bubba n' Buford were pulled over outside of Madisonville and the officer walked up and simply said "You boys have any ID?". Now that would seem a simple, clearly understood request...but not in east Texas. Buford with a puzzled look on his face responded "ID 'bout what?"

A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with.

I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand

I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant

But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense

"Blank Shot" never gets old

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?



Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!



Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..



Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

Sure, English is a hard language to learn.

But it can definitely be understood through tough thorough thought though.

I never understood how glass worked

But it's clear to me now.

We have collected gags that can be used as Understood pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Understood, here are one liners and funny Understood pick up lines.

Joko Jokes