understood Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious understood puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

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I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

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I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

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In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

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English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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English can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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I have never understood a true dilemma..

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says:
"You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

"To whom do you turn your back?"

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English is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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What is a dilemma?

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man, "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

"To whom do you turn your back?"

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English is a difficult language.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"


"NO!" Tim answered.


"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, the answer was, "NO!"


By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!


"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"


Again, Tim answered, "NO!"


The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.


Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"


A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

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How to Get to Heaven

I was testing children in my Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered in unison.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was a unanimous "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

This time, there was no shout in unison. Finally, the silence was broken whan a little boy shouted out, "You've got to be dead!"

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English is not the easiest of languages

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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"Dad, what is politics?"

"Son, if you think of our home as a country, your mom is the congress which makes the rules, I am the executive which runs the day-to-day affairs of the country, you represent the common man, your little brother is the future of the country, and our maid is the labor class"

"Dad, I guess I understood it all last night when the executive was screwing the labor class in the kitchen while the congress was sleeping, common man didn't care about anything and the country's future was crying his heart out"

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Two guys drinking at the bar...

Bubba: "You know, I've never understood what dilemma is.."
Jimmy: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.
To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
Bubba: So where's the dilemma?"
Jimmy: To whom do you turn your back?"

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Fitness is important

Being healthy and in good shape is important. My grandmother understood this better than anyone. When she turned 75 she started walking 5 miles a day.
She's 90 now, and we have no idea where the hell she is.

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Two guys over a drink at the bar. Chump: You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

Chucky: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
Chump: So where's the dilemma?"
Chucky: To whom do you turn your back?"

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What's a pirate's favourite...

What's a pirate's favourite architectural feature?

An *arrr*ch.

What's a pirate's favourite place to play?

A p*arrr*k.

What's a pirate's favourite thing to do to women?

Rape.

I never understood why society romanticises pirates.

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Never understood the point of black friday

Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

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I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us Nazis to shoot again.

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Little Johnny....back for more.

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny." Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"

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Some say English is tough...

Some say English is tough, it can be understood through thorough thought though.

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My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

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I've never understood why homophobics wore clothes

because clothes come out of the closet and that's gay

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Probability theory

Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion - a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with him when he flew since it reduced the risk of having a bomb on the plane from 1 in a million to 1 in a trillion.

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English is a tough language

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though

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My lesbian friend gave a me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think she understood when I said: "I wanna watch."

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Another joke my grandpa used to tell me

"So, there was this Nazi who walked into a bar. It was mine, and he died on the spot."

He then cackled maniacally, and I never understood the joke until I found out that BAR= Browning Automatic Rifle.

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I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

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I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

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Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting

They had a delightful conversation, until Putin wanted to show off the loyalty of his men. Putin ordered one of his bodyguards to jump off the window. The bodyguard seemed hesitant, and horrified, he begged for mercy.

"Please sir! I got a wife and kids!"

Putin seemed unsatisfied, but yet he understood since he practically asked the bodyguard to kill himself. Kim looked at Putin with sadistic smirk on his face, and Kim turned to his bodyguard nodded.

Without a second of hesitation, Kim's bodyguard ran into a window and tried to jump off. Putin bodyguard seemed shocked, he rushed to Kim's man and stopped him from jumping off. Then Kim's bodyguard yelled,

"Please sir! I got wife and kids!"

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A Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday...

But I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch

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my brother just called me (11pm) with a joke so funny he was still laughing

**what is a bear without teeth?**

**answer: a gummy bear**

since he made it up all by himself, i informed him that i could no longer publicly claim him as my brother. he understood completely.

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A young teacher is teaching vocabulary to her first grade class.

She draws an apple on the blackboard and asks, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"That's an ass." says a student in the back.

"No..."

"That's definitely an ass." says another student.

After a few similar exchanges the frustrated teacher starts to cry.

The principal walks by the classroom and notices the sobbing teacher, walks in, and immediately understood what was going on.

"You rascals!" he yells, "I want whoever drew this ass on the board to come forward this INSTANT!"

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My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think they understood when I said "I wanna watch."

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I finally understood the end of the 6th Sense

All those names at the end were people who worked on the movie.

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English can be a weird language...

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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I never understood why being called an Einstein is bad.

It's only relatively insulting.

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I have never understood why living in the poor part of town...

...makes your skin darker.

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I Am Sikh

Khushwant Singh told a friend:

"Once I was travelling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sardar before. Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady. Her name was Margarita and she belonged to Spain.
During the conversation, she asked, "what are you?"
I replied, "I am Sikh."
"I am sorry," said the young lady, "hope you get well soon."
To this I replied,"no dear, I am not sick as that of the body, I am Sikh as of religion."
The lady was very pleased and shook hands with me and said, "it is nice meeting you, I am also sick of religion." "

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My lesbian neighbours gifted me a Rolex today!

I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch.

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Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella

Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!

Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

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Never understood why my friends never asked for relationship advice from me.....

I've had over 9 successful marriages.

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My lesbian friends got me a Rolex for Christmas

I don't think they understood when I said 'I wanna watch'

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"It's the little things in life that make you laugh"

I never understood that until I saw two midgets fighting in Wal-Mart.

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Guy: My girlfriend is pregnant. We always used protection and the rubber never broke. How did this happen?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story.

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Help me figure out a knock knock joke that's had me stumped for 20 years

When I was a kid my sisters and I ordered a book of knock knock jokes from the book club at school. I remember reading them to everyone who came by the house but there was one that I never understood. No one in my life has ever had a logical explanation for it and I have never forgotten it:

Knock Knock.

Who's there? Darth Vader.

Darth Vader who?

Darth Vader Cookie Crumble.

__

WTF?

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I have never understood why people abbreviate July as Jul.

i mean seriously y?

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A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes

After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.

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Did you hear about the hunter who got squashed by the dying elephant?

He finally understood the gravity of his actions.

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My lesbian neighbors got me a rolex for my birthday

But I don't think they understood when I said I want to watch

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I've never understood why new pencils come unsharpened...

Seems pretty pointless to me.

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I fondly remember my dad telling me this one, but i never understood it until recently.

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.

He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

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A magician worked on a cruise ship...

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it... the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days… Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

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I've finally understood the meaning of "politics"

It's derived from "poly", the Greek word for "many", and "tics", a blood sucking parasite.

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I never understood how you got dick from Richard.

Apparently you just get him drunk first.

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Round-up of the top ten one-liner jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The first one will only be understood by Britons, but there are good ones after that.

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

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My lesbian neighbor got me a Rolex for my birthday

I guess they miss understood me when I said "I wanna watch"

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Watch

My lesbian friend gave me a Timex for my birthday.

I don't think she understood me correctly when I said I wanna watch.

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Corporate Story

At a meeting, theΒ Boss told a joke.Β 
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.Β 
The Boss asked him, 'Didn't you understand my joke?'Β 
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

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I've never understood why homophobes would like clothes

they usually come out of the closet, and that's gay

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In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.

I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.

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I never understood what was so good about having a threesome...

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I could just go have dinner with my parents.

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What's better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on my organ


My dad told me this joke when I was 5, I finally understood it 19 years later. Hope it doesn't take you that long

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My doctor said I need to eat more Taco Bell

He actually said I was constipated, but I understood what he meant.

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What jokes do you know that can only be understood if you know two (or more) languages?

Like a joke that involves a pun on a word that has different meanings in different languages.

Please tell us what languages they are in.

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Why some of your hairs have turned white?

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"

Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."

Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

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A teacher assigns her students to read a chapter of a book.

"Class, I want you to read chapter 31 of the book I assigned you. Understood?"

The entire class agreed. "Okay. Class is dismissed. Remember to read it."

Skip to the next day in the classroom. "Okay, so whoever read chapter 31, please stand up."

Every student stood up. "Now, all of you go to the principals office."

Every student is shocked and confused.

"Why, you ask? There isn't any chapter 31!".

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I thought I understood the meaning of when pigs fly,

But then the swine flew.

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I never understood the expression "for shits and giggles"

Until my girlfriend tickled me when I had the stomach flu

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I heard somebody making fun of bridge suicides the other day and I was a bit offended

I don't think they understood the gravity of the situation

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This new Rolex that the lesbian couple next door got me for Christmas is nice and all...

...but I don't think they understood what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".

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Threesomes

I never understood the obsession with threesomes , if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I would have lunch with my parents.

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I never understood the concept of lunch money

It doesn't taste any different than regular money.

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I thought I understood the Saying "When Pigs Fly".

but then, the Swine Flu.

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So my brother was playing FFVII...

And he always named Cloud as "Grin". I never understood why. Every time he played a new game, he would name him "Grin". The other characters he left the same...Tifa, Yuffie, Cait Sith, it was just Cloud.

One day, he was playing with just two guys (Red XIII was on the team, but he never revived him). Confused, I asked "Why are you only using two characters?"

"I saw this challenge online where you beat the game with only two characters. I needed a challenge, so I'm doing a run of it right now." he replied.

"Really?" I questioned, "Just two characters?"

"Yep. Just Grin and Barret."

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How do you ruin a joke?

By explaining it.
Because you know, jokes are supposed to be understood implicitly, without you having to say the reason behind why the punchline is funny.

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Today is my birthday,

and my lesbian neighbors decided to gift me a Rolex. I don't think they quite understood when I said "I wanna watch".

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No one understood my joke about the virus outbreak...

I guess you had to be there to get it.

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English is hard to understand

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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English is weird... but it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Yeah you red it rite.

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Two men walk into a bar.

The first one says "I'll have some H2O"

The second one says "I'll have some H2O2"

The bartender brought out two glasses of water because he understood that the second guy meant too and not two.

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I once told story about pregnancy that nobody understood except for my twin sister

It was our little inside joke

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I never really understood the hype about having two cell phones

I guess you could say I'm a single celled organism

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Asexual Reproduction.

I never really understood the appeal of asexual reproduction. But, You do you, I guess.

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Who knows where Jesus is?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

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A Dilemma

Two guys over a drink at the bar.

Chump: You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is...

Chucky: Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man.

Chump: So where's the dilemma?

Chucky: To whom do you turn your back?

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Bubba n' Buford IV

Law enforcement officers in east Texas must also be linguists on occasion just to communicate. Take the time Bubba n' Buford were pulled over outside of Madisonville and the officer walked up and simply said "You boys have any ID?". Now that would seem a simple, clearly understood request...but not in east Texas. Buford with a puzzled look on his face responded "ID 'bout what?"

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A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with.

I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand

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My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for my birthday.

I don't think they understood what I meant by I wanna watch .

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A Texas Trooper pulls over a city boy

As he walks up to the car, he sees the window is up. he taps on the glass, and the window comes slowly down. The music is so loud, he can't make himself understood, so he motions to turn the music down.
The driver does, and says "what do you want, asshole?"
The cop pulls his nightstick and begins waling on the driver. Finally the guy begs him to stop and becomes very cooperative. After writing the ticket, the cop walks over to the passenger window. As soon as he is there the window rolls down quickly and the passenger says "How can I help you, Sir?"
The cop begins waling on the passenger. the passenger starts screaming and says "why did you do that?"
The cop says "I am making your wish come true."
Passenger replies "What? What wish??"
The cop replies "we all know you were going to get about a mile down that road and you would tell your friend "I wish that motherfucker had tried to hit **ME** with that stick!"

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Two guys drinking at the bar....

John: "You know, I've never understood what dilemma is.."
Jack: "Let me give you an example. Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.
To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have you, and to your right is a very horny gay man."
John: "So where's the dilemma?"
Jack: "To whom do you turn your back?"

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An American woman marries a Middle Eastern man...

An American woman marries a Middle Eastern man and moves to the Middle East with him. She got used to the country but she still cannot speak the language.

Every Sunday she goes to the butcher and buys meat. She wanted to buy some chicken legs so she pointed to her legs and he understood. The next week she wanted to buy wings so she pointed to her elbows. Another day she needed some chicken breasts so she pointed to her breasts and he understood.

One week she wanted to make some goat balls, so she took her husband with her to the butcher,

because he can speak arabic of course!

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English is a difficult language...

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though!

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I never understood how glass worked

But it's clear to me now.

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Sure, English is a hard language to learn.

But it can definitely be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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I never understood why white people can't say the n-word

I mean we're the ones who invented it after all

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I've never understood why there's Burger King but no Borscht Czar

After all, people who eat fast food are in a hurry... they're always Russian around everywhere.

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I never understood why vets...

aren't called dogtors.

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I've never understood why people climb up mountains in the early hours of the day...

...and then it dawned on me...

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Did you hear about the drunken idiot who flew into a black hole?

I don't think he understood the gravity of his situation.

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I never understood when my wife said I'm like an Olympian in bed.

How the fuck do I come third?

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When I bought a fixed gear bike last summer, people called me a hipster.

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

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I've never understood giving flowers to someone on Valentine's Day.

"Here's a dying plant... because i love you?"ο»Ώ

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I have never understood why womwn love cats?

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

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I never understood why soldiers hate digging latrines.

It's not a piss-poor assignment.

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I've never understood people who don't drink because it's "bad for you"

Honestly, I think they should lighten up and liver little.

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I've never understood picky eaters...

you won't eat a tomato but you'll put someones unwashed genitals in your mouth.

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I asked a frenchman what his favorite game console was

I don't think he understood me though, he just replied "oui".

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A joke my Uncle told me that I never understood when I was a child.

Q: What does Sinead O'Connor do after she finishes brushing her hair?

A: She pulls her pants up

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An ambitious Chinese man named Hoo Ming wanted to run for president. He understood the problems that Americans faced every day and so he wanted to show everyone he planned to solve it by making it his slogan...

Hoo Cares!

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I never understood why it was called Lukewarm

Like, why not medium-warm ? Who the fuck is Luke ?

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My Russian wife has started grocery shopping on her own

My new Russian wife has started grocery shopping on her own, but she's still learning English and sometimes forgets the words.

She goes to the butcher and wants chicken breasts. She can't think of the words, so she starts clucking like a chicken, then grabs her breasts. The butcher was a bit shocked and embarrassed, but then he understood and wrapped her up some chicken breasts.

The next time she went, she wanted chicken thighs. Again, she forgot the words, so she clucked like a chicken, then pulled her dress up and started slapping her thighs. Even the butcher forgot the words, but then he put it all together and wrapped her up some chicken thighs.

After all this chicken, I told her I wanted something different. She decided to make sausage. She didn't know the words, so she asked me to go with her...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


What? I speak English. What were you thinking?

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What was wrong with Newton when an apple fell on his head?

He was the only one who understood the gravity of the situation.

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My lesbian neighbours got me a Rolex for my birthday...

I don't think they understood when I asked them to watch

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At first, I never understood why my parents had a bitter relationship

Until I realized my birthday was 9 months after my dad's...

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I've never understood why people buy bum bags when they travel...

It's just a waist of money

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I was asked in a job interview how well I understood theoretical physics.

I told them "I have a theoretical degree in physics.

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I eventually understood USB Type C design...

And now, I can't really see any downside in it

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Born again Christian

I've never understood the term "born again Christian." Is that someone who goes to their mother and says, "Mom, I'm going back in, and I'm not coming out until I've found Jesus."

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I've never understood the appeal of a glory hole

All in all, you're just another dick in a wall

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What do you call someone who is misunderstood that ends up getting married?

Mrs. Understood

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Did you hear about the winner of the "understood" pageant?

she didn't have many friends on high school.

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Did you hear about the chef who never understood how animal-based oils help the cooking process? For him....

The Lard works in mysterious ways!

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My girlfriend said if this gets 100 upvotes we'll try anal.

Thankfully, she is not an idiot and understood the context.

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You guys hear about that mathematics student who was flunking?

He only understood his field to a degree and decided to look at it from a new angle.

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I never understood why we use piston cylinders in engines...

I think we should use clean ones.

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My driving instructor said that it was important to understand how to use universally understood hand signals.

Funny, his whole tune changed when I started flipping people off.

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A man walks into a bar

and after 10 years my mom finally understood he isn't coming back.

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My Lesbian Neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday

I don't think they understood me right when I told them I wanna watch.

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What did the thunder say when it understood the joke?

I feel so enlightninged!

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The only thing i understood from Interstellar [spoiler]

that the fifth dimension is a FUCKING BOOK CASE

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I've never understood two in the pink one in the stink

Who has three arms?

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I don't know why people say that you're not supposed to flip off other drivers.

It's a universally understood hand signal.

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my girlfriend told me that i never understand what she's trying to say and that i'm dense.. i understood perfectly

and i explained to her that i can't be that dense since i am ~70% water

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I've never really understood silent letters...

The T in Margot,
The U in biscuit,
The P in the Bath.

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I thought I understood the saying "when pigs fly"...

But then... the swine flu

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Why are most Muslims broke all the time?

They never understood the concept of piggy banks.

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I never really understood porn.

Is it supposed to be this hard?

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I've never understood the point of going to the strip club.

If you wanted to pay for a dick tease, just get married.

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They say you are what you eat.

Now I understood why I act too childish.

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I've never understood why Communists don't have the same reputation as the nazis

must be the Jews...

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I've never understood Afghan markets

They're just so Bazaar

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My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. .

. . they bought me a Rolex. I don't think they understood me when I said I wanna watch.

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My 5 year old niece told me this, I don't think she understood it though...

Why did the baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo.

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The Piano

A young English teacher was rather nervous giving her new class of eight year olds a grammar lesson. All was going well, and she had explained the use of the word 'perhaps' to them.

"Now, Billy, will you make up a sentence to show that you understood how to use 'perhaps'?"

Billy stood up, and after some thought, said, "If I will be a good boy, perhaps my mother will take me shopping."

"Excellent!", beamed the teacher, and turned to one of her more difficult pupils, "Now little Johnny, I'm sure you can give us another example."

Little Johnny shambled sullenly to his feet and said, "Does it have to be made up, Miss?"

"No, it can be true as long as the word 'perhaps' is used well."

Immediately, little Johnny started on his sentence, "When I saw Miss and the music teacher take their pants off in the music room, I thought perhaps they were going to shit in the piano."

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What are the best Understood puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Understood? Well, here are the best jokes about Understood to have fun with.

Joko Jokes