Understanding Women Jokes
98 understanding women jokes and hilarious understanding women puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about understanding women that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Understanding Women Short Jokes
Short understanding women jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The understanding women humour may include short understand jokes also.
- "Mansplain" is a terrible word to use because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.
- I understand now why women have long hair If I had to pay as much for a haircut, I'd put it off too.
- I don't understand women... I thought opening the door was the right thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane...
- I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model
- I don't understand why women like to have so many pillows on the bed.. You need only one to smother your husband.
- The first computers were made by women... that's why computer language is so difficult to understand
- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- I think women have a better vocabulary than men... Because they understand that it's the utility of the word and not it's length that really matters.
- Women are like helicopters... You know they work and you trust them, but if you make any effort to understand them whatsoever you'd be too terrified to go near them.
- Not understanding women Guys it's okay to not understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other.
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Understanding Women One Liners
Which understanding women one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with understanding women? I can suggest the ones about difference between men and women and women rights.
- Hot women are like magnets I don't understand them.
- Understanding women is like... Smelling the color 3.
- What I don't understand about drag racing is why they're all dressed like women.
- Complete Guide to Understand Women ...............................
- Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.
- Understanding women is simple. No means no. Maybe means no. And no means yes
- ELI5: How do you understand women? I really just want to know.
- I don't understand French women. Or French men, I don't understand French.
- Why are all jokes about women one-liners?
So men can understand them.
Understanding Women Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about understanding women you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trouble understanding jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make understanding women pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had s**...?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another
wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.
"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied: "Thank you, dear!"
Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time.
But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.
Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... is a terrible crime... I'll never understand how a man can traumatize a woman like that. That's why I always make sure they don't remember...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't understand why women get so angry and stressed on their period.
It's such an o**... action
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blonde genies
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux k**... outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the k**... are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't understand the appeal of s**... clubs...
All you do is throw money at women who refuse to have s**... with you. If I wanted that I would be married.
Computer gender joke
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)
They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.
Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its troubling to see you so distraught because you are a very loyal husband, because you have a great relationship with me i am willing to help you. Name one thing you want and i will give it to you.
Terry looks around and is dumbfounded, "God?!" he asks. "Yes it is i, please what could you ever desire?" Terry thinks about it for a little bit and says, "I want a private highway to.... Japan, Italy, and Sweden." God asks Terry if he is sure about that, because that would use a lot of the worlds resources and could cause some serious problems. Terry realizes that wish would be very selfish, so he thinks for a minute and looks up to god and says "God? I know what i want". What is it Terry? Terry asks god to understand everything there is about women, so he can repair his problems with his wife.. God pauses for a minute and says to Terry "So was that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"
Old men and young women
Two elderly gentlemen were talking together.
"I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why, just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," his friend said, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"But great googly-moogly, man! I'm so much older than she!"
"Oh. Well, maybe she's attracted to the fatherly type."
"No, I don't think so. She also mentioned something about 'Carbon 14.'"
One Wish
A man encounters a genie one day while walking through the woods and the genie says: "I will grant you a single wish."
The man thinks for a little bit and says: "I really like my job but my commute is terrible. I have to take a ferry every single morning because I live on an island off the coast of the city. It takes way too long. Can you build a bridge between the island I live on and the city where I work so I can drive there every morning?
The genie says; "I don't know about that. Bridges are really complicated to build and one that long is likely to be unstable or dangerous. Do you have any other wishes that are a little more realistic?"
So the man thinks for a little bit and say: "My whole life I've never understood how women think. Can you help me understand women?
The genie then says: "So when do you want me to start building that bridge?"
One of my grandpa's better jokes
An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"
The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there any time I want."
God said, "I can't do that, there would be too many problems. Where would I even get all the steel from? Think of something else."
So the man says, "Lord, I've been married and divorced 4 times. All 4 of my wives made me feel like I was doing everything wrong when I thought I was right. Help me understand women."
God replies, "You want two lanes or four?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
Build me a bridge
A man was walking along a California beach and finds a genies bottle, he gives the bottle a rub and a genie appears and offers to grant him one wish.
The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I get sea sick in boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Is there anything else you would like instead ?"
After much thought, the man said, "Iv'e been married and divorced 3 times and still don't understand women, so I wish that I could understand women."Then, after a few minutes, the genie said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A man stumbles across an old lamp.....
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many of you love your husbands??
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart."
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this ???
2. Ah, mother of my children, are you sick ?
3. I love you too !!
4. What now ? Did you c**... the car again ?
5. I don't understand what you mean ?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time !
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I'll leave if you are tired of me !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Molly the Camel
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane s**... with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'
So a Man Finds a Magic Lamp...
... The genie comes out and tells the man he has 1 wish.
The man asks "I'd like a transatlantic highway so that I can visit my family in France more easily"
The genie replies "That is a bit of a daunting task, is there anything other than this that you'd like?"
The man says "I've never had any luck with women. So, I'd like to be able to understand a woman's thought at all times and know what exactly she wants."
The genie thinks it over for a bit and says, "So how many lanes do you want this highway to be?"
Five old ladies in a car . . .
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Understanding Women
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police and Old Women
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles per hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
**(I dont make this joke. One of my best friend made this)**
The man that desired to understand women
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Three "plus size" women walk into an Irish bar, and order 3 Bwrz Fynt's
The bartender says, "I can't understand what you said."
One of the girls says, "I'm sorry, we're from Wales."
The bartender replies, "That explains everything."
22 mph speed limit
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 136."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Army Captains Are Funny
A new Army Captain is assigned to an outfit in a remote post located in the Afghan desert.
During his first inspection he noticed a camel hitch up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was there. Nervously, the Sergeant replied, sir, as you know, there are two hundred and fifty men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges, that's why we have the camel."
"I can't say I condone this, but I understand their urges. The camel can stay", the Captain conceded.
One month passes and the Captain starts having 'urges' of his own. Crazed with desire, he tells the Sergeant to bring the camel over to his tent. Setting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain climbs and has wild, passionate s**... with the camel.
When he finishes, he turns to the Sergeant and asks, "is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
Speeding Drivers
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends are chatting in a bar...
A: I will never understand the way women think.
B: Why do you say that?
A: My wife came home the other day with some revealing l**... and told me "I bought these for you."
B: So?
A: She started yelling at me when I put them on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Blonde Genies
A guy finds a lamp and rubs it. Out pop two blonde genies. They thank him and offer him 3 wishes. He thinks for a minute, and *p**...*...
He's in a vast room filled with $100 bills to his waist. He looks across the room and sees a door. He makes his way through the money to the door and opens it...
Now he is in another room filled with beautiful, n**... women. He looks across the room and sees another door. He fondles his way across the room to that door and opens it...
Where he finds the two blonde genies who drag him to a tree and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
As they are walking away the one turns to the other and says, "I understand why he wanted wealth beyond his wildest dreams. I understand why he wanted to be surrounded by beautiful, n**... women. By, why in the world did he want to be hung like a black man?"
Bridge to Hawaii
Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish.
Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time.
God: Ehhhh…. your wish is too materistic! I would have to get the concrete, carefully think about the design, along with pipes and suspensions for balance and aesthetics. It would be quite a bit to handle on my part! Wish something else and I will grant it.
Greg: Alright…Hmmm OK I wish to be able to read women's minds. I want to know exactly what they're thinking at all times, what they mean when they say nothing . Basically, I want to understand women inside out.
God: So you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?
A man is walking on a beach...
And he trips over something. He looks down, and it is an old bottle. He picks it up, and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish, and only one. What will it be?"
The man thinks, and thinks. He lives in California, but really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying. So he asks the genie, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."
The genie looks at him for a bit. He says "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too much! Please think of something else". The man is pretty angry. He really wanted that bridge, and that was really the only thing on his mind. So he thinks, and thinks, and thinks for days. He had to get the right thing. He sleeps on it, and the next day comes returns to the beach.
The genie is still there, so the man asks him, "I want to understand women."
The genie's eyes widen, and he asks him "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
A Man meets a Genie, Is granted 1 wish.
A young man is going about his regular day when a genie stops him and grants him one wish.
The man stops to think about it for a minute, then says, okay i got one.
He tells the Genie for his wish he wants to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Sydney so he could drive whenever he wants.
The Genie immediately said no, its not possible. The Pacific is just too deep, their are currents, the bridge will never hold up. Its impossible, wish for something else.
A little upset that he can't have his bridge the man comes up with another wish. He asks the Genie to understand how a women's mind works.
The genie replied, do you want the bridge to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?
A guy finds a lamp walking through the desert...
When he rubs the lamp a genie comes out and tells the man he has one wish and whatever he wants it will be done! The guy says to the genie that he is afraid of height and wants a bridge built from California to Hawaii. The genie replies that it would take all of his powers to build that bridge, and is willing to make any other wish come true instead. The man says, I wish to know how to understand women! The genie says, so do you want 2 or 4 lanes on that bridge to Hawaii?
Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience...
...later, on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.
Sandy decides she's anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation. A few week later she's crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed.
She comes up to heaven and sees God. I don't understand, she says to God You said I had another thirty years?
God answers her, I didn't recognize you.
Understand women
There once was a man named John. He did a lot of praying and one day God saw this and came down to John. God said to him "John you've been doing a lot of praying so I am granting you with one wish, ask for whatever you want." John was very happy and said "God I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am scared of flying, can you build me a road from California to Hawaii so I can drive there?" God then said "John many people will die making this bridge because it is in middle of the ocean and it is so long." John agreed and then said
"you know God my wife is always yelling at me, my mom is always mad at me and my sisters are always telling me that I'm wrong. Can you allow me to understand women." God thought for a while and then said ".....so when do you want that bridge done by?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just can't understand women
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"
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An old man is in a confessional booth
He says 'Father, please I must tell you something!'
The Reverend tells him to proceed
'Six years ago my wife died and I've been pretty lonely. Tonight I had s**... for hours for the first time since with four college students I met in a bar.'
'It is natural that you're feeling bad about sleeping with women who aren't your wife, it is okay for you to move on though.' The Reverend replies.
'Oh you don't understand Father, I'm not upset.'
'Then why are you telling me?'
'Trust me, Father. I'm telling everyone!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Women can breastfeed in public as long as they have a blanket over them.
So I don't understand this Mall Cop's problem with my m**... towel.
A man finds an old bottle. He starts rubbing off the dust...
... when a genie appears.
"You have one wish," says the genie.
"One wish? I thought it was three wishes," said the man.
"That's only in stories," replied the genie. "One wish is all you get."
"Well...", started the man, who was an American, "I've always wanted to go to Australia but I'm scared of flying. I wish for a bridge across the Pacific Ocean so I can drive there."
"I said wishes not miracles," replied the genie. "Do you have any idea how impossible that is? That would require the most complicated engineering design ever attempted. It would take all the world's resources for 100 years to build. Wish for something realistic."
"Ok," said the man, "I've never been able to understand women. I wish I could understand women."
"How many lanes would you like on your bridge?" said the genie.
THE BIG QUESTION
There once lived a very kind man who was constantly helping those in need. God noticed this ask spoke to him, "You are very generous and I shall grant you one wish." The man, overwhelmed, thought about it for a bit. Finally the man said, "I wish for a bridge connecting California to Hawaii so I can drive my motorcycle to the Islands." God said, "Think about it my son. That is a very materialistic wish and would require much material from Earth." The man thought it over a bit and replied, "God, would you teach me how to understand women?" God answered, "You want that bridge 2-lane or 4-lane?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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One Wish
A man was walking along the beach when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish.
"Well my family lives in Australia. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Australia so I could drive and visit them."
"What!" cried the genie. "Have you any idea what building such a bridge would involve? The gigantic pillars all the way to the sea bed? The hundreds of gas stations to be supplied? The chaos to the shipping lanes? Are you sure there isn't anything else you'd like?"
The man thought for a moment. "Y'know, I've never had much luck in my relationships. Could you give me a complete understanding of women?"
The genie replied, "Was it four lanes you wanted or six?"
A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer
when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women are always complaining that I make too many d**...' jokes but I don't understand why.
I mean, that's the only part of me guaranteed to make them laugh.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My dad said to me: Son, don't try to understand women.
Women understand women... and they hate each other.
My wife and I started dieting a week ago...
She proposed that we should have a cheat day today....
She brought home KFC & I brought home my secretary!
From my hospital bed, i'm wondering when will i ever begin to understand women.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I like my women how I like my coffee:
Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty b**... I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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After growing out my hair, i now understand why women take so long in the bathroom
Apparently they get too busy searching for long-haired peeping toms
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Cheating!!!!
Rod's Wife and Rod Started dieting a week ago.
She proposed that they should have a cheat day today...
She brought home a burger & Rod brought home his Secretary..
From his hospital bed, Rod is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.😀😜😀😜
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I can't understand why women ask so many questions
Especially because they don't have a Y gene
Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage
Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.
A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and because she and my wife are identical,
occasionally I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"I understand they're identical twins, but surely there must be some difference
between the two women," said the judge.
"Precisely, Your Honor," replied Tony "That's why I want a divorce."
So this guy finds a magic lamp...
This guy finds a magic lamp. Obviously, a Genie comes out of it.
*The Genie: You can make 1 wish, it can be anything. What do you desire?
*The guy: Well, I'd like to have a railroad that connects New York City and Moscow.
*The Genie: That... might be a liitle too much. Is there anything else you would like?
*The Guy: Well, if that's the case, I'd like to be able to understand Women
* The Genie: Did you want express trains as well?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a bottle with a genie inside.
*p**...* I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?
I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!
The genie scoffs. Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.
The man thinks for a moment. Hmmm, then I wish that I could actually understand women.
Do you want two lanes or four?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A women enters a bus carrying her baby
As she passes the driver, he remarks, "that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
The woman is understandably angry but sits down anyway near the back of the bus. As she sits there, fuming, a man sitting next to her notices and asks, "what's wrong?"
"The bus driver was very insulting to me. I feel very disrespected. He should be fired for such behavior!"
The man says, "I agree. He shouldn't be allowed to talk that way. you should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind. Here, I'll hold the monkey."
A man asked God if he could have one wish.
This man was very nice and good to others; however, his life was on the downside lately.
*What can I do for you my son?*
I wish I could be a God, too.
*I cannot do that. Ask me another one.*
I like to understand what women are really saying when they say 'nothing' or 'you know.'
*I'll make you into a God.*
A man comes across a genie who grants him one wish.
The man says, I would really like a bridge from San Francisco to Hawaii.
The genie says, That would be really difficult, with all the construction, engineering, not to mention the money such a bridge would require. I'm sorry, but is there anything simpler you would want?
The man thinks it over and says, You know, I've never been good at understanding women. I can never understand what my wife is saying. It's almost like she's speaking in code. Is it possible that you could make me better at understanding women?
The genie says, You want that bridge to be four lanes or six lanes?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that m**... is not a joke.
Period.
The impossible wish
A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, Great. So I want: 1. Lifelong access to any cinema, 2. I want to be 10 years younger and 3. I want a highway that goes straight from here to Hawaii. I'm happy to help you but the third wish is really difficult. You'll have to wish for something else instead of that third wish, says the frog. OK, agrees the man reluctantly, in that case I'd like to finally understand women. - The frog looks at him for a while: And should the highway be a three-lane or a four-lane one?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I was driving down the road when I passed a s**... club that advertised it had "high caliber women".
To this day I still can't understand why they wouldn't want someone under 45 working there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend bought some l**...
She said it was for me, but the she got upset when I put it on. I'll never understand women.
Understanding Women
A FATHER SAYS TO HIS SON :
"MY BOY, WHEN YOU ACCUMULATE THE UNDERSTANDING OF WHY A PIZZA IS BAKED ROUND,
PUT IN A SQUARE BOX , EATEN IN TRIANGLES, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN. "
Author Unknown
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I don't understand women...
One word out of place, just ONE word, and she's packing her b**... bags.
She asked me why I take my wedding ring off before s**.... I just shrugged and said "Habit".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day.
Apparently, women are often called a cross-dressing w**... .
