understand Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious understand puns

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

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Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

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If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

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Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

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I don't understand why white people can't say the N word

We invented it after all

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My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

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Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

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My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

*What?*

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

*I don't understand*

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

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What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?

They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay.

TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc

I understand if I get downvoted.

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After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

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I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

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I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she should understand what rejection feels like.

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I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

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Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

*

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My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

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There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

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Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

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I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

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A joke is like a frog..

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.

Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

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Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.

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I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

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My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.



Seems like my French classes are going really well.

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Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

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A man staggers into the police station piss drunk...

... at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you'll arrested who broke into our house last week."

Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.

"You don't understand," says the man. "I'd just like to find out how he managed to get into the house without waking up my wife."

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I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

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Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.

He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?

One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.

Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step is mouth to mouth.

Firefighter: How do you think all this started?

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A 7 year old girl

A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.

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I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn't understand.

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What are the most funny Understand jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Understand? Well, here are the best Understand dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Understand pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes