underneath Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious underneath puns

A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing

"Well tell him next time the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it"


A little girl is with her Dad in garden...

...and asks, "Is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?" Dad says, "No, sweetie. There are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy longlegs." Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stomps them both saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!"


This asshole looked at

my beer belly last night and said,
"Is that Corona or Heineken??"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."


The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."


How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask?

He claims to be your father.


It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed.


A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...

When she stumbles upon an S&M magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.

"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"

The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.

"...Well we can't spank him."


Three old women were sitting on a park bench...

...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.


William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.


A drunken farmer stumbles upstairs into his bedroom, waking his wife.

She sits up and sees the husband carrying a sheep underneath his arm. The farmer yells, "See, honey, this is the pig I've been fucking." The wife yells back, "you idiot, that's not a pig, it's a sheep!" The farmer says, "shut the fuck up, I was talking to the sheep!"


How do you break the nose of a blonde without touching her?

Wave your cock underneath a glass table


A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".


A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.

"What's that?" he asks the drunk.

"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."

The friend wants to know how the clock works, so the drunk grabs the sledge and hammers away at the plate, making a ton of noise.

Almost immediately, there's a voice: "IT'S THREE AM YOU FUCKING CUNT!"


Three nuns were talking about their chores...

Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"

"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.

"I threw them away." The first nun replies.

The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"

"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.

"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.

The third nun fainted.


What is Ironman underneath the suit?

Stark naked.


I hear someone coming

A man just moved in to his new appartment and goes down to the hallway to collect his mail. When he is on the way back a young woman in a bathrobe steps out of the appartment next to the elevator. They start talking and suddenly her bathrobe opens slightly and he can see she is wearing nothing underneath. While he gets more and more aroused he tries to keep eye contact. After a few minutes she puts her hand on his arm and says with an erotic voice: "lets go inside, I hear someone coming."

He follows her inside and after she closed the door she drops the robe completely. While standing before him completely naked she whispers: "What do you think is the best part of my body?" With a red head and a husky voice he says:" well I think your ears"
She answers amazed and a bit offended: "My ears? Look at these boobs, these thighs, this pretty ass and this tight pussy! How can my ears be the best part of my body?"
After which the man stutters:" well that's logical, you said when we were standing in the hallway that you hears someone coming. That someone was me!"


It's a slow day of crime in Metropolis...

...and Superman is bored to tears. So he decides to fly over to Gotham City to see what Batman is up to. He gets to the Batcave to find the Dark Knight underneath the Batmobile.
"Hey, Bruce," he says. "Whatcha up to today? Wanna get a couple beers, maybe watch the game?"
"Sorry man, I can't," Batman replies. "I've got a lot of work I need to do on the Batmobile. I'm gonna be busy all day."
"Well, that sucks," says Superman. "I guess I'll see ya around."
And he flies off to New York City to visit Peter Parker's apartment.
"Hey, Spidey," he says. "Wanna grab a pizza and a couple brewskis?"
"Sorry buddy," says Spiderman. "I've been blowing Maryjane off lately, and I promised I'd take her out tonight."
"Well, damn," says Superman. "I guess I'll see ya around."
So Superman is flying around, bored out of his mind, when he finds himself over Wonder Woman's apartment. Using his x-ray vision, he spies her laying on her bed, butt naked, with her legs up in the air.
"I know what to do," Superman says to himself. "I'll use my super speed to fly through her wall and bang her."
So he flies down there and, in a matter of seconds, he finishes inside her and takes off.
"What the hell was that?" exclaims Wonder Woman.
Then the Invisible Man sits up and says "I don't know but my ass hurts like hell."


A white man, a Jew, and an African got lost in the desert...

They found a tree that provided some shade and sat underneath it to rest.

All of a sudden, a caterpillar fell from the tree into the white man's lap. "This is disgusting!" Yelled the white man, and threw the caterpillar at the Jew. The Jew, too, was disgusted and threw the caterpillar at the African. The African picked it up, shrugged, and ate it.

A few minutes passed. Another caterpillar fell into the white man's lap. Again, the white man threw the caterpillar at the Jew. This time, the Jew turned to the African and asked, "How about ten dollars for a caterpillar?"

EDITED for grammar


Little Timmy and his parents went to the circus

When the elephants came out into the ring, Timmy turned to his mom and asked, "What's that hanging down from that elephant?"

His mom said, "That's the elephant's trunk."

Timmy said, "No, not that. Back underneath the elephant."

His mom, embarrassed, said. "That's nothing."

Timmy isn't satified with her response, and turns to his father, "Dad, what's that hanging down underneath that elephant?"

Dad says, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Mom said it was nothing."

"I know, son. I've really spoiled that woman."


Koala and Lizard get high

One day, Koala is sitting up in a tree getting stoned. Lizard is walking by underneath, and looks up and sees Koala. "Yo Koala!" he says, "What you doing man?" "Puffin tough homie!" says Koala. "Let me get some!" Says Lizard. "Come on up then man!" Says Koala. So Lizard climbs the tree, settles down next to koala, and they start an epic smoke sesh. After a little while, Lizard gets mad cottonmouth. So he says "Hey Koala, I got mad cottonmouth, I gotta get some water, I'll be back bro." Koala says "Word."

Lizard climbs down the tree, and heads towards the river. He gets there, and leans down to drink, but he's so stoned he falls in. Not being the aquatic type of lizard, he starts to panic, because he can't swim. Right when he thinks he's done for, someone comes from behind and pushes him back onto the bank. As soon as he's recovered, he turns around to thank his savior, and it's Crocodile. Lizard says "Crocodile! You saved my fucking life! Thanks homie!" Crocodile says "No problem bro. Whats your deal though? You'd never jump in here on purpose, and you're way to agile to fall, you sick or something?" Lizard says "oh dude, I'm high as a fucking kite. Koala and I just had an epic all morning smoke sesh over in that tree." Crocodile says "Oh man, this I gotta see." So he wanders over to Koala's tree, looks up and says "HEY! KOALA!" Koala looks down and says, "DUDE, how much fucking water did you drink?"


Mama whale and Papa whale ...

... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand.

Papa whale says to mama whale:

-"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over."

The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary.

He says to mama whale:

-"We should eat them".

Mama whale says:

-"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."


A Penguin took his car to the shop

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out.

The mechanic said it'll be about an hour so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers.

He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "No, it's just ice cream."


A monk was walking home one night...

A monk was walking home one night, and to get home, he has to walk down a dark alleyway. He walks down the alleyway, and out of the shadows comes a hooded man, the man draws a knife on the monk. He says "Empty your pockets, give me everything". The monk looks at the man, and the proceeds to pull a gun from underneath his robes and then point the gun at his attacker. The attacker says "What?!? Why do you have a gun?!? I thought monks were about inner peace". The monk replies "Yes, this is my inner piece".


A Christian boy, about 15, is sitting on the couch with his girlfriend...

...after about a half hour of just holding hands the girl takes his hand and starts moving it up her thigh underneath her skirt.

"I can't." He says.
"Why not? Don't you want me?" She whispers.
"My mom says that girls have teeth...ya know...down there and they'll bite my pecker off if we do it before marriage." Says the boy.

"That's nonsense, we don't have teeth down there!" She protests.
"My mom wouldn't lie to me, I just can't." He argues.

As time passes, the two are awkwardly sitting on couch, obvious tension is building in the girls loins. She starts slowly kissing his neck and once again moving his hand between her legs.

"Babe, I don't want to get bit!" He says.

Frustrated, she pull down her panties, hikes up her skirt and spreads her legs.
"See, I told you I don't have teeth down there!" She screams.

With a look of astonishment he yells, "Well with gums like that I can see why not!"


A man is hired to carpet a little old lady's living room...

It takes him all day to get the job done, but when he's finally finished, he decides to reward himself with a cigarette. But he finds his cigarettes are not in his pocket and at the exact same time, he sees a lump underneath the carpet.

He doesn't want to tear up the carpet again, just to get a pack of cigarettes, so he gets a two-by-four and smashes the lump down until it's completely flat, figuring the little old lady will never know. It takes him nearly 20 minutes, but eventually the floor is completely and totally smooth and level.

He loads all his tools into the truck and he's about to drive away when the little old lady comes hurrying out the door.

"Young man!" she says. "Are these your cigarettes? I found them in the bathroom. And by the way... have you seen Petey, my pet hamster?"


Papa shark is teaching baby shark how to eat humans

"First you sneak up underneath, slowly make your way closer, you want to circle around the human about 3 or 4 times... and then BAAAAAAMMM"

Baby shark replies " but papa, why do I have to swim around him that many times, why can't I just swim right at him?"

Papa shark says "first you need to scare the shit out of him, trust me you don't want that aftertaste in your mouth"


A Couple has their 60th anniversary....

So, at nighttime, the wife gets ready for bed, takes a bath, puts on perfume and a seethrough babydoll. Nothing underneath. She lets her long grey hair open over her shoulders. The husband walks in. Very shy she says: On our wedding night, 60 years ago to this day, it was the first time you saw me naked just like this... What was the first thing that came to your mind, when you saw me naked? The husband says, with a grin on his face, thinking back to the good ole days: Oh, I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brain out.... She blushes and whispers: How nice, what are you thinking now? .... Oh, I think I did a pretty good job!!!!!


Two chefs go on vacation (OC)

Two chefs decide to take a vacation together. Being that they are chefs, they decide to go a cooking museum while taking some time off. In the museum, the see a golden whisk with a plaque underneath that reads: "The chef who owned this whisk was known as the greatest of his time, and served meals to kings and queens."

One chef says to the other, "Wow, I hope one day I can be a legendary chef like that guy, this is really inspiring."

The other chef responds, "You know what, I'm going to steal that whisk, once I have it, I'll be the greatest chef in the world!"

The first chef, trying to convince him otherwise, says, "Are you nuts!? Look at all the security around here, you'll be arrested and never cook again!"

The second chef replies, "Well...that's just a whisk I'm willing to take."


A young lady was walking through a field in Scotland...

...when she noticed a man passed out against a tree. Curious of what men wore underneath their kilts, she decided there was no better time to find out. She giggled softly, took her ribbon, and tied it at a strategic location.

The next morning the Scotsman woke up with a terrible hangover and needed to relieve himself. He stood up, lifted his kilt, and noticed a ribbon. He belted, "Laddie, I don't know what it was I was doing last night, but I'm sure glad to see you won a blue ribbon for it!"


Two scared dads

Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.

Peter replies, Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.


A mother, father, and thier young son go to a zoo.....

The child looks at one of the pens and says, "hey mom, what's that?", the mother replies, "oh that's an elephant". Noticing the gargantuan member beneath the elephant, the child asks "what's that under the elephant?", embarrassed the mother replies, "oh that's nothing". The child then walks over to his father and asks, "Dad, what's that thing underneath the elephant?", his dad replies "That's the elephant's penis son." The child said, "Well mom says it's nothing",the dad replies, "Oh, how I spoil that woman".


I realised that my new girlfriend was a bit of a slut

when I asked if she preferred to be on top or underneath during sex.

She replied "Middle"


Drunken Scotsman

A Scotsman stumbles out of a bar and starts walking down the road to his house. Too drunk to make it there, he lays down on the side of the road in a field and passes out.

A woman is walking home and spots him there. She says to herself, "I wonder what he's hiding underneath that kilt." Looking around to make sure that no one sees here, she takes a peek. "No underwear, oh my!" After she's had her giggles, she says to herself, "I should do something to let him know that I was here."

She takes the blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his dick, covering him with the kilt again.

The next morning the Scotsman wakes up and feels something funny under his kilt. He takes a look and says, "Well my lad, I don't know where we've been, but I see that you won first prize! 🏆


Boyfriend meets girlfriend's parents for the first time and does a fart at the dinner table...

...thankfully the girlfriend's dad didn't hear it and upon smelling it shouts "Champ!" at their dog sat underneath the dinner table.
A little later the boyfriend really needs to fart again, and since the parents are blaming the dog he decides he's safe to let another one out quietly. His girlfriend notices the side-lift action this time and gives him a knowing glare but, again, her dad just shouts "Champ!"
Like clockwork, a little later the boyfriend's bowels can't keep it in and once again he needs to fart, and since the parents aren't noticing he just goes for another silent but deadly. This time the dad stands up and shouts "Champ! Will you get out from under there before he does a poo on your head!!"


It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu." The second guy just sat there stunned. He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration struck. "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent. They being three, and we being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."


What are the most funny Underneath jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Underneath? Well, here are the best Underneath dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Underneath pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes