The Best 76 Uncle Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Uncle jokes. There are some uncle grandma jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these uncle granddad puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Uncle Jokes and Puns

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...

...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

Uncle joke, I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.

In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."


Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

My Uncle said this now that there are two popes

Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?"

Uncle joke, My Uncle said this now that there are two popes

I tried to be a tap dancer

but I kept falling in the sink!

(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)

What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?

Uncle Bens rice.

A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky.

[Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)

So I sold my guitar...

I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."

All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.

You can explore uncle aunty reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean uncle sister dad jokes. There are also uncle puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know

Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?

Me: The red guy

Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?

Me: The blue guy

Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?

Me: The yellow guy

Her: Who lives in the white house?

[Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out:]

The black guy!!

My uncle used to counterfeit pennies...

My uncle used to counterfeit pennies out of real copper, but got copper poisoning. At least, we think that's what happened, because one day he just stopped making sense.

My favorite joke from The Sopranos

A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."

Credit to Uncle Jun.

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..."

"...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

Ant Man?

Why don't they just call him uncle?

Uncle joke, Ant Man?

I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice...

My gondolences.

My uncle survived a fall of 39 stories off a building

Unfortunately, he fell off the 40th story.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)


From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.

The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Is everybody clear on that ?"

Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia

Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'

Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman?

It takes too long to hollow out her head.

(I got this one from my uncle)

My transgender uncle is a superhero...

We call him Aunt-Man.

Uncle Bill always gave 100%

Son: How did he die Dad?
Dad: He donated blood.

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved

Hey my name is Nathan and i'm 12 years old:) I was wondering if there was a dating site for only 12 year olds and under...

I'm not asking for myself!! My uncle was wondering

I used to be an Uncle like you...

...Until I took an arrow to the niece.

My Uncle has a coal fetish.

Its why he likes to bang miners.

I learned a few things today.

1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

I asked my dad why he doesn't make any dad jokes

He told me he leaves those to my uncle.

Political opinions are like dicks....

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"

"I'm Bison".

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

Paddy Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says Paddy Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, Paddy Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did heroin

Dear people who don't write capital letters,

We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters".

Nice guy, horrible pilot.

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."

"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

All my family are police officers. Except for my uncle who is a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his family.

My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...

...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice...

I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

My uncle died yesterday because we didn't know what blood type he was...

He kept saying B positive, but it'll be really hard without him.

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...

His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;

What did you choose for the girl?

Denise

Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?

Denephew

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.

But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

My father was a conjoined twin so his brother was ...

My uncle on my fathers side

My Aunt Ruth went missing

It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to torture some of them. You could say he was.....

Ruthless

After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

I had an uncle who worked circumcising elephants

The pay wasn't great, but the tips were enormous!

Proper Grammar, Guys

Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, I'm gay and I don't care who knows it!

He must have been really drunk, because he's been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.

β€’β€’β€’

Happy National Coming Out Day!

My Mexican uncle takes anti anxiety pills.

They're to stop Hispanic attacks

The teacher said Little Timmy, do you believe that you have a fairy godmother?

Little Timmy said I'm not sure, but I've got an uncle we keep an eye on.

My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems

God answered his prayers.

My uncle's funeral is next week.

I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

My uncle needed a pet that could tell time

So he bought a watch dog

I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...

..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you just call it? I asked.
It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! she said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

I asked my uncle what he used to do when he got bored at my age. Never got an answer...

From him or his 24 kids.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

After filing out his paperwork he had to take an eye exam. The clerk showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the clerk asked.
"Read it?" the Polish man replied. "He's my uncle."

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

Practicing

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For hells sake, Johnny, can't you play something this damn dog doesn't know?"

Are you my uncles kidney?

Because you're a failure.

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the uncle uncle frank jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working uncle great uncle george piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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