Uncle Jokes

167 uncle jokes and hilarious uncle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about uncle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Uncle Short Jokes

Short uncle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The uncle humour may include short aunt jokes also.

  1. I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said
    "Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
    So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
  2. My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese. We tried to warn him.
  3. After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
  4. What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored?
    I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.
  5. A boy asked his Bitcoin investing uncle for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin.
    Uncle: $10.28? What do you need $8.41 for?
  6. My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

    Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician
  7. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
  8. Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
  9. I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad!
    2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
    3. My sisters not on the pill.
  10. My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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Uncle One Liners

Which uncle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with uncle? I can suggest the ones about nephew and untie.

  1. What is a pdf file And why is my uncle under arrest for being one
  2. My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication It's for Hispanic attacks
  3. My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex They are watch dogs
  4. What is the one thing spiderman can't eat? Uncle Bens rice.
  5. My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex They're his watch dogs
  6. My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her, She
  7. My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
  8. all ants are female because if they were male, they would be called uncles
  9. What's worse than 10 ants in your pants? One uncle.
  10. I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. . My gondolences
  11. My transgender uncle is a superhero... We call him Aunt-Man.
  12. I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.
  13. I asked my dad why he doesn't make any dad jokes He told me he leaves those to my uncle.
  14. What is worse than ants in your pants? ......... Uncles.
  15. My father was a conjoined twin. His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.

Aunt Uncle Jokes

Here is a list of funny aunt uncle jokes and even better aunt uncle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My Uncle John is hosting a gender reveal party Sorry, I mean my Aunt Jane.
  • Two drunk men are talking in a bar - You know? my uncle is now resting in peace
    - I had no clue your uncle had died
    - No, the one who died was my aunt
  • Drill Sgt: "What do you mean by saying that you have two uncles?" Private: "I don't have an aunt sir!"
  • Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May.
  • Why was the baby ant confused? Because all of it's Uncles were Aunts(Ants)
  • What do you get... When you cross Aunt Jemima with Uncle Ben?
    Rice cakes!
  • "What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?" i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.
  • What did the stormtrooper say when he was frying Luke's aunt and uncle? I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning Beru.
  • I hear they are changing the name Aunt Jemima Not so sure "Uncle Toms" is the best replacement.
  • I saw my uncle cheating with another woman but I aunt snitching

Uncle Ben Jokes

Here is a list of funny uncle ben jokes and even better uncle ben puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why doesn't Spiderman like rice? It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
  • Guess who missed Spiderman Homecoming? Uncle Ben.
  • I opened my birthday card and a load of rice fell out I know exactly who sent it. It was my Uncle Ben.
  • What's spider-mans favorite brand of rice ? Uncle Ben
  • What's spider man's favourite food Uncle bens rice
  • What superhero should you never have dinner with? Spider-Man. He never saves any Uncle Ben's.
  • I dropped my phone in the bath. I dropped my phone in the water. I put it in rice to dry out, it works now but i lost all my contacts except for my uncle bens.
  • My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ... he works around the clock.
  • Uncle Ben has died. That's it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!
  • When I was a kid, I wanted to be like Spider-Man but now I want to be like Uncle Ben
Uncle joke, When I was a kid, I wanted to be like Spider-Man

Uncle Nephew Jokes

Here is a list of funny uncle nephew jokes and even better uncle nephew puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore? His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.
  • Johnny's uncle has 3 nephews; Huey, Duey and..., Johnny of course!
  • My nephew has dyslexia And I'm not a bad uncle, but is so funny when my sister goes crazy every Christmas because he write a letter for "Satan".

Uncle Tom Jokes

Here is a list of funny uncle tom jokes and even better uncle tom puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • This post is sponsored by Uncle Tom's rice. It's like Uncle Ben's, but a bit more racist
  • How did Papa John's rebrand themselves following the racial scandal? Uncle Tom's
  • So Kanye leaked the title of his upcoming album... Uncle Tom's Traphouse
  • What do you call white Uncle Toms? Liberals
  • What is an uncle Tom's favorite drink? White tea.
  • Uncle Sanders is Bernie Tom.
Uncle joke, Uncle Sanders is Bernie Tom.

Laughable Uncle Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about uncle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grandpa jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make uncle pranks.

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.

I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle...

...he said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

My uncle has a factory that make "For Sale" signs.

I asked him how companies like that advertise because I've never seen ads any for that sort of business and he replied:
"They essentially sell themselves."

Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse."

Good Grammar is the Difference...

* Helping your Uncle j**... a horse
* Helping your Uncle j**... a horse

My Uncle said this now that there are two popes

Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?"

The only joke I've ever heard from my mother

my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)
Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."

I tried to be a tap dancer

but I kept falling in the sink!
(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)

A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky.
[Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)

Air force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our b**... runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

So I sold my guitar...

I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."
All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.

5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know
Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?
Me: The red guy
Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?
Me: The blue guy
Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?
Me: The yellow guy
Her: Who lives in the white house?
[Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out:]
The black guy!!

My uncle used to counterfeit pennies...

My uncle used to counterfeit pennies out of real copper, but got copper poisoning. At least, we think that's what happened, because one day he just stopped making sense.

My favorite joke from The Sopranos

A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..."

" the day I hand in my badge and gun."

Ant Man?

Why don't they just call him uncle?

My inappropriate uncle told me this one when I was 11: Where do cousins come from?

ant holes

My Uncle was fired for sleeping with one of his patients...

The worst part is that he's a veterinarian.
Lol just kidding, he's a pediatrician.

I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was killed by a boat in Venice...

My gondolences.

My uncle survived a fall of 39 stories off a building

Unfortunately, he fell off the 40th story.

From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.
The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
Is everybody clear on that ?"

Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia

Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'

Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman?

It takes too long to hollow out her head.
(I got this one from my uncle)

Uncle Bill always gave 100%

Son: How did he die Dad?
Dad: He donated blood.

When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap.

It was quite touching, really.

A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**......

A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**.... Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved

Hey my name is Nathan and i'm 12 years old:) I was wondering if there was a dating site for only 12 year olds and under...

I'm not asking for myself!! My uncle was wondering

I used to be an Uncle like you...

...Until I took an arrow to the niece.

My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."

I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.

My Uncle has a coal f**....

Its why he likes to bang miners.


Is what defines wether you're helping your Uncle j**... a horse, or you're helping your Uncle j**... a horse.

A young boy overhead his parents call his uncle an alcoholic...

Unfamiliar with the term, the young boy later on he asked his father, "Dad, what is an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Political opinions are like d**.......

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"

"I'm Bison".

p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did h**...

Dear people who don't write capital letters,

We're the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.

s**... is what turns a boy into a man

My uncle told me

My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters".

Nice guy, horrible pilot.

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle j**... a horse" and "i helped my uncle j**... a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus

He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."

"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."

All my family are police officers. Except for my uncle who is a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his family.

My childhood was effectively over at 11.

That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.

My mean Asian uncle died suddenly last night.

It was hard to bereave.

My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...

...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been r**... twice...

I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

My body-building Italian uncle died....

He pasta whey.

My uncle died yesterday because we didn't know what blood type he was...

He kept saying B positive, but it'll be really hard without him.

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

My little brother asked out of nowhere how gay men have s**...

I told him to go ask our uncle, when I was his age he gave me a demonstration.

I wasn't sure if my uncle had died until I went to the reading of the will

It was a dead giveaway

Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle...

Because it touches me so much

There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...

His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?

After months of trying, my wife told me she is finally pregnant

Apparently I'm going to be an uncle.

All three of my uncles used to grow w**... together

It was a joint effort.

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.
He was in an urn.

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.
That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.
But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

My father was a conjoined twin so his brother was ...

My uncle on my fathers side

My Aunt Ruth went missing

It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to t**... some of them. You could say he was.....

My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.
I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle j**... a horse as she was telling me that.

Uncle joke, My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

jokes about uncle