Uncle Jokes
166 uncle jokes and hilarious uncle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about uncle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Uncle Short Jokes
Short uncle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The uncle humour may include short aunt jokes also.
- My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese. We tried to warn him.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored?
I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either. - My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.
Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician - What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
- I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill. - My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.
- It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
- My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
- Why do they have fences around cemeteries? Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke
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Uncle One Liners
Which uncle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with uncle? I can suggest the ones about nephew and untie.
- What is a pdf file And why is my uncle under arrest for being one
- My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex They are watch dogs
- What is the one thing spiderman can't eat? Uncle Bens rice.
- My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her, She
- My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
- all ants are female because if they were male, they would be called uncles
- What's worse than 10 ants in your pants? One uncle.
- I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. . My gondolences
- My transgender uncle is a superhero... We call him Aunt-Man.
- I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.
- I asked my dad why he doesn't make any dad jokes He told me he leaves those to my uncle.
- What is worse than ants in your pants? ......... Uncles.
- My father was a conjoined twin. His brother was my uncle on my fathers side once removed.
- Ant Man? Why don't they just call him uncle?
- I used to be an Uncle like you... ...Until I took an arrow to the niece.
Aunt Uncle Jokes
Here is a list of funny aunt uncle jokes and even better aunt uncle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Uncle John is hosting a gender reveal party Sorry, I mean my Aunt Jane.
- Two drunk men are talking in a bar - You know? my uncle is now resting in peace
- I had no clue your uncle had died
- No, the one who died was my aunt - Drill Sgt: "What do you mean by saying that you have two uncles?" Private: "I don't have an aunt sir!"
- Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers. But his aunt May.
- What do you get... When you cross Aunt Jemima with Uncle Ben?
Rice cakes! - "What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?" i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.
- What did the stormtrooper say when he was frying Luke's aunt and uncle? I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning Beru.
- I hear they are changing the name Aunt Jemima Not so sure "Uncle Toms" is the best replacement.
- Which of Peter Parker's guardians would keep his secret? His uncle wouldn't, but his aunt may.
- If your Uncle was an animal, what one would he be? An Aunt-eater.
Uncle Ben Jokes
Here is a list of funny uncle ben jokes and even better uncle ben puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Guess who missed Spiderman Homecoming? Uncle Ben.
- I opened my birthday card and a load of rice fell out I know exactly who sent it. It was my Uncle Ben.
- What superhero should you never have dinner with? Spider-Man. He never saves any Uncle Ben's.
- I dropped my phone in the bath. I dropped my phone in the water. I put it in rice to dry out, it works now but i lost all my contacts except for my uncle bens.
- My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ... he works around the clock.
- Uncle Ben has died. That's it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!
- When I was a kid, I wanted to be like Spider-Man but now I want to be like Uncle Ben
- Took a peak at one of my Christmas presents. A bag of rice? Thanks a lot Uncle Ben.
- Uncle Ben A true credit to his rice
- Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben's Logo? Everyone thought it was ricest.
Bob Uncle Jokes
Here is a list of funny bob uncle jokes and even better bob uncle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad has a brother named Robert I guess Bob's my uncle.
- All you gotta do is go to the nearest pub and find any man called 'Bob', then convince him to marry your mother's sister... ...and Bob's your uncle.
- I have 5 uncles. Scott, Daniel, Bob, Tate, And the one that works at Nintendo.
Uncle Tom Jokes
Here is a list of funny uncle tom jokes and even better uncle tom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This post is sponsored by Uncle Tom's rice. It's like Uncle Ben's, but a bit more racist
- How did Papa John's rebrand themselves following the racial scandal? Uncle Tom's
- So Kanye leaked the title of his upcoming album... Uncle Tom's Traphouse
- What is an uncle Tom's favorite drink? White tea.
- Uncle Sanders is Bernie Tom.
Laughable Uncle Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about uncle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grandpa jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make uncle pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...
She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.
My uncle died yesterday, peacefully in his sleep...
...unlike the passengers in his car.
Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...
and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.
"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
My uncle has a factory that make "For Sale" signs.
I asked him how companies like that advertise because I've never seen ads any for that sort of business and he replied:
"They essentially sell themselves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't forget capital letters...
In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse."
My Uncle said this now that there are two popes
Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?"
The only joke I've ever heard from my mother
my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)
Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."
I tried to be a tap dancer
but I kept falling in the sink!
(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)
My Crazy Uncle
My uncle is actually insane. He sits in the corner of the room, fidgeting and blabbering nonsense to himself all the time. My family says it all started went he "went off the deep end" 25 years ago.
Personally, I think it started much earlier…when they forgot to put water in the pool.
A bad math joke I came up with
A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky.
[Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Air force weatherman
So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our b**... runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."
So I sold my guitar...
I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."
All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.
5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?
Me: I don't know
Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?
Me: The red guy
Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?
Me: The blue guy
Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?
Me: The yellow guy
Her: Who lives in the white house?
[Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out:]
The black guy!!
My uncle used to counterfeit pennies...
My uncle used to counterfeit pennies out of real copper, but got copper poisoning. At least, we think that's what happened, because one day he just stopped making sense.
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If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle j**... an elephant?
Mariska Hargitay
My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
My inappropriate uncle told me this one when I was 11: Where do cousins come from?
ant holes
I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.
He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.
My Uncle was fired for sleeping with one of his patients...
The worst part is that he's a veterinarian.
Lol just kidding, he's a pediatrician.
When I graduated high school I wanted to buy a motorcycle..
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. - Anthony Jeselnik
My uncle survived a fall of 39 stories off a building
Unfortunately, he fell off the 40th story.
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Just found out my alcoholic uncle is into necrophilia
Gives a whole new meaning to 'cracking open a cold one.'
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Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman?
It takes too long to hollow out her head.
(I got this one from my uncle)
Uncle Bill always gave 100%
Son: How did he die Dad?
Dad: He donated blood.
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When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap.
It was quite touching, really.
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A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**......
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**.... Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"
"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.
"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"
Hey my name is Nathan and i'm 12 years old:) I was wondering if there was a dating site for only 12 year olds and under...
I'm not asking for myself!! My uncle was wondering
My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."
I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My Uncle has a coal f**....
Its why he likes to bang miners.
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Political opinions are like d**.......
Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.
A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"
"I'm Bison".
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Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.
Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
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p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
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Dear people who don't write capital letters,
We're the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse and helping your uncle j**... a horse.
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s**... is what turns a boy into a man
My uncle told me
My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters".
Nice guy, horrible pilot.
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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle j**... a horse" and "i helped my uncle j**... a horse".
Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
My drunk uncle is Santa Claus
He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."
"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."
My childhood was effectively over at 11.
That's when the bars closed and my uncle came home.
I saw my uncle on Tinder
Obviously I swiped left. He's not going to be in to me now that I'm all grown up.
My uncle started a cult,
...And married twenty women. People are telling me it's a terrible situation, but I think there's a lot of nuance.
My mean Asian uncle died suddenly last night.
It was hard to bereave.
My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...
...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.
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Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been r**... twice...
I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.
My body-building Italian uncle died....
He pasta whey.
My uncle died yesterday because we didn't know what blood type he was...
He kept saying B positive, but it'll be really hard without him.
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I always start out my job interviews with the same phrase I say before having s**... with someone for the first time.
Everything I know, I learned from my uncle.
My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day
He's in stable condition.
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My little brother asked out of nowhere how gay men have s**...
I told him to go ask our uncle, when I was his age he gave me a demonstration.
I wasn't sure if my uncle had died until I went to the reading of the will
It was a dead giveaway
Oh my. This painting really reminds me of my late uncle...
Because it touches me so much
There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...
His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew
After months of trying, my wife told me she is finally pregnant
Apparently I'm going to be an uncle.
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All three of my uncles used to grow w**... together
It was a joint effort.
My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.
Jokes on him.
He was in an urn.
My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.
When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.
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My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson's f**....
Kermit was speechless.
My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.
That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.
My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...
he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.
We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.
Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician
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Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...
Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.
But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.
Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?
My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.
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My Aunt Ruth went missing
It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to t**... some of them. You could say he was.....
Ruthless
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Becky discussing with her friend Karen
Becky: Last week, my uncle was taking pictures of me and asked me to climb up a ladder so he could get a better angle.
Karen: did you do it?.. it was just an excuse to see your p**....
Becky: I know. That's why I took it off before climbing the ladder.
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My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks
