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Ummm Jokes

21 ummm jokes and hilarious ummm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ummm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Popular Ummm Short Jokes

Short ummm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ummm humour may include short jokes also.

  1. The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?" Ummm, "150 points?"
  2. A Newfie walks into a doctor's office... And says
    "Doc b'y, I tinks I got dat H2N2 disease." Doctor replied
    "ummm...don't you mean H1N1?"
    newfie says
    "No b'y, dis is twice as bad as dat!"
  3. Mom! Mom! I'm pregnant!! ᅳ Oh God, honey, where was your head at?!
      
     
    ᅳ Ummm against the passenger door, I think
  4. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius loop? To get to the other ... errr ... ummm ... wait ...
  5. A man walks into a library -Excuse me, do you have books for people with diarrhea?
    -Ummm... Yeah...
    -Great! I'll need some pages
  6. How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb? "Ummm ... forget about the changing the lightbulb, honey, maybe let's start with changing those curtains"
  7. "Do you have that new book for men with small p**...?" "Ummm... I don't think it's in yet."
    "Yeah! That's the one!"
  8. Doctor : Relax, its perfectly normal to get an e**... during a prostate exam. Patient : Ummm..... But doc, i dont have an e**....
    Doctor : I do.
  9. Officer: Excuse me sir is that m**... I smell? Me: Ummm
    Officer: I sure hope it is, you would not believe the day I've had

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Ummm One Liners

Which ummm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ummm? I can suggest the ones about and .

  1. Wife: Hon, I'm pregnant Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad
    Wife: Ummm, actually…..
  2. Ladies and gentlemen, a stuttering banana. Potassi...UMMMMMMMM
    *snap fingers*
    UMMM...

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about ummm can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of ummm puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Ummm Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about ummm you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make ummm prank.

Just give them another chance!

So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are s**..." myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.
REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be forever free from this prejudice!"
1st BLONDE: "Ok, ask me anything."
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
1st BLONDE: "Ummm..... 5?"
REPORTER: "Wh... Wrong.."
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok.. Ok..." asks the second blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
2nd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 3?"
REPORTER: "NO!"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok! This is your last chance" asks the third blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
3rd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 4?"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"

3 old men...

3 old men are talking in the park. "I had awfull problems with my liver, but I also know a realy good doctor who cured me." says the first one. "I had terible problems with my heart, but a realy good doctor cured me" says the second one. "I had some problems with my memory, but I'm now just like an elephant thanks to my doctor!"says the first one. "Realy?"said the other 2"What's his name?" "Well, ummm..... what's that white plant that starts with an 'M' called?" "What? Do you mean Margaret?" Yes!"says the first one again and quickly pulls out his phone and calls his wife"Hello, Margaret dear? What was the name of the doctor that cured me?"

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day.....

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having s**... on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having s**.... Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?

Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...
Friend: Witherspoon?
Me: No. With a knife.

Probably posted somewhere else, can't remember tho

So I walk into my house to my girlfriend holding a positive pregnancy test we exchanged the following conversation:
- (my name) i'm pregnant
Seeing the joke right before my eyes, I followed with:
- hi pregnant, i'm dad
- ummm about that..... you're uncle, is that ok?

I went to a bar on the weekend and the sign read:

Hamburgers £1:00
Cheeseburgers £2:00
h**... £3:00 (Oh yesss!!)
I called the attractive blonde behind the bar across to enquire. "Can I help you?" she asked with a big smile. "I was wondering (I whispered) Are you the one who gives them ummm!! Hand Jobs?" "Yessssss" she almost purrs "I am" "Well wash your hands," I said "I want a cheeseburger!!"

Walmart Bathroom

I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, Hi! How are you?
Embarrassed... I said, I'm ok!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?
I said, Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!
Then I hear, Can I come over?
Annoyed... I said Excuse me?!?!."
Then the voice said, Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"
Embarrassed!!

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn't think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like would you like us to rotate your tires? I was like Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over j**...!

Meanwhile in the restroom

I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said,
\- Hi! How are you?
Embarrassed... I said,
\- I'm all right!!"
The voice said,
\- "So what are you up to?
I said,
\- Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!
Then I hear,
\- Can I come over?
Annoyed... I said,
\- Excuse me?!?!."
Then the voice said,
\- Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these ummm jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.