umm Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious umm puns

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!


A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?" He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation." The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."

"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."


A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.

Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, Just give him some Head & Shoulders. She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?


A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld

**Jerry:** This isn't a good time.

**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?

**Jerry:** I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?

**Telemarketer:** Umm, we're not allowed to do that.

**Jerry:** Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.

**Telemarketer:** Umm, no.

**Jerry:** Well, now you know how I feel.


A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..

When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have *both* of them!" chuckles the blonde

"Umm.. seven?"


Damn girl are you syria?

She: Umm No, why?

Me: Because you got a lot of fucking problems but i wanna get involved any way.


When someone botched a joke.

Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "

Class: "umm"

Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."

Friend: "what?"

Me: "poor delivery"

This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.


A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having Sex

One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.

That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"

The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."

The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."

Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"

"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"


"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Well, let's have a look at i-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over.
"What is it?"
"You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt."
"Well, pull it out!"
The doctor does.
"Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."
The doctor retrieves the bill and it's replaced. This goes on. There's $20s,$10s, $5s, $1s, the odd $50 bill and a single hundred. Eventually, it stops.
"How much is there?" Asks the man.
The doctor counts it up. "I've pulled $1,999.00 from your butt"
"That'd be right," says the man, "I wasn't feeling two grand."


Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from?

Papa whale: From my penis.

Whale junior: Umm thanks?

Papa whale: You're whalecum


Little boy asked his father

'Daddy, what does a vagina look like?'

The father thinks for a moment, then responds, "well son, that depends. before sex, or after sex?"

The little boy has no idea, so confusedly says, "umm.. both i guess."

"Well son, before sex, the vagina is like a fragrant flower. Soft, gentle and full of beauty."

"Ok daddy.. what about after sex?"

"well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"


[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?


The phone rang in the principal's office...

Principal: "Hello?"

Caller: "Umm yes hi, my son won't be coming to school today because he's got the flu."

Principal: "OK and who may I ask is speaking?"

Caller: "Umm my dad."


A lawyer goes to prison

A shady lawyer get sentenced to a prison term after his actions are revealed. When he gets put on his cell, he sees that his cell mate is a massive 300 lb southerner. He says hello.

"You gonna be the husband, or you gonna be the wife?" His cell mate asks.

"Umm, no thank you," responds the lawyer.

"You gonna be the husband or you gonna be the wife?" Is asked again.

"Listen, I don't wanna be either, I just want to do my time man." says the lawyer.

Now his cell mate starts to look really angry. "I'm gonna ask you one more time motha fucka, you gonna be the husband or you gonna be the wife!?"

"Shit shit shit" the lawyer thinks in a panic, "husband or wife, give it or take it, fuck!"

"I'll be the husband!" he yells.

"Good, now that we have that out of the way, get over here and suck your wife's dick."


An American, a Brit, and a Japanese guy are stranded on a desert Island...

...the American says, "We're great at running the world, so I'll be President of the island." The Brit says, "We do whatever you blokes say, so I'll be Vice President." The American starts drawing out plans to build shelter and explaining them to the Brit. The Japanese guy asks, "Wait, what about me?" "Umm, you can be in charge of supplies."

So the Japanese guy goes off into the jungle and the American and Brit commence building. By the time they finish, the Japanese guy still isn't back. The other two start to get worried, so they decide to go in after them. When they're a good way into the jungle, the Japanese guy jumps out from behind a bush and yells "SUPPLIES!"


Two rednecks run into each other on a rural country road...

One of them is carrying a big bag with the label "chickens".

The other notices the bag and says "if I guess how many chickens there is in the bag can I have one of them?"

The one holding the bag says "hell if you guess how many chickens im holding in this bag ill give you both of them"

The other guy scratches his head and guesses "umm five?"


Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!
'so umm... Ladies first' he says as he points at the ladder to go up, his heart pumping, excited to maybe even get to see Nancy's panties.

She starts to climb happily and blissfully unaware of Johnny's intentions. Once Johnny grabs the ladder to start climbing himself, he gave the ladder a bit of a jolt and she looked down to see what was happening and noticed Johnny looking up and yelled 'Hey! Did you just want Me to climb first so that you can peek at my underwear?!'
Johnny looks down at the ground and admits to his intentions.

She responds 'HA!! The joke's on you! I'm not wearing any panties!'



April 1st Operation

(Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.)

"How's my wife? How's my baby?"

"Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."

(Man starts crying)

"APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!" (laugh)

(Man starts laughing with the doctor.)

"The fact is your wife died as well."


— You know, that doctor actually managed to improve my memory.

— Really? That's great! What's his name?

— Umm... you know that flower, the beautiful one, with red petals, a nice smell and thorns?

— You mean a rose?

— Yes, rose, exactly, thank you! (turning to his wife) Rose, honey, what's my doctor's name?


Anybody read the paper this morning

Person one: "Hey, did you read the news this morning?"
Person two: "No, why?"
Person one: "omg it was crazy, this famous actress stabbed her housekeeper like 50 times!"
Person two: "holy shit, what was her name?"
Person one: "uhh, it was like Reese something, umm Reese..."
Person two: "REESE WITHERSPOON?!?!"
Person one: "No dumbshit she used a knife.."


My friend's "gong clock"

My friend called me to his house one evening for a catchup. We spent a few hours talking and it was getting late so I decided to leave. "Wait! I haven't shown you my gong clock! He took me upstairs where he had this massive gong close to the back wall. He said "like it?!" I replied "umm.. How does it work? Doesn't it just make a noise?" "Haha not just makes a noise but you can get the time too!" He said. "Let me demonstrate.." He picked up a giant mallet and struck the gong! It was so loud we both covered our ears! When I removed my hands and the gong was quieting down I could hear was knocking on wall and a muffled voice shouting "IT'S 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"


A teacher asks her class...

"what does your dad do and if he were here what would he give the class? You also have to be able to spell his job". Little Sally raises her hand and says "My daddy is a banker, B,A,N,K,E,R, and if he were here, he would give everyone a dollar". "Very good" said the teacher. Phillip raises his hand and says "My dad is a Marine, M,A,R,I,N,E, and if he were here, he would give everyone a flag. The teacher also then responds positively. Jerome then raises his hand and says "my dad be a 'mochanic', M, O, umm O. I ain't sure how to spell it Mrs. Flannigan". "That's ok Jerome, we'll come back to you". Johnny's hand goes straight up and says "My dad is a Bookie, B,O,O,K,I,E, and if he were here, he'd give you 10 to 1 odds that little nigger boy ain't gonna know how to spell mechanic".


Once upon a time, three brothers named...

Fart, Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. Fart was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
What are you here for?
so Shut Up says, To release Fart.
The guard then says, Umm... ok. So what's your name?
Shut Up.
The guard, bewildered, says, Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where's your respect?
So Shut Up says, In the car.


A bus full of nuns crashes...

A bus full of nuns crashes and kills everyone inside. Now their spirits are all in line waiting to get into heaven.

At the front of the line there is an angel who let's them in. as the first nun in line approaches the angel, he says "do you have any sins to confess before I let you into heaven?" the nun replies "no", she gets in. The second nun gets to the angel and he asks again "do you have any sins to confess before I let you into heaven?" she answers "Umm, yes this week I gave a stranger and hand job", the angel then says " that's okay, just wash your hands in holy water and you will allowed in", she does it and is allowed in.

The angel then notices a nun in the back of the line running towards him. When she reaches Him, he asks her "sister, why are you racing to the front of the line?" to which she replies " I just want to wash my mouth before sister Mary has to wash her ass!"


Hey There's 20 Letters in The Alphabet Right?

"Hey there's 20 letters in the alphabet right?"

"Umm, actually there's 26."

"Oh, I forgot U R A Q T."

"That's sweet, but you're missing a letter."

"Oh don't worry, you'll get the D later."


A young apprentice flukes his exams and gets to do his first autopsy.

He walks to his supervisor. "er, excuse me.."
"What is it ?"
"Umm, it's Mrs Pratt, there's something wrong.."
"Well come on man, spit it out"
"There's a um, a b-big shrimp stuck in her er, vagina"
His supervisor turns around and stares at him.
"um, a a, s-super shrimp, r-right in the middle."
"This better be good, I've a busy day", and they walk over to Mrs Pratt.
The veteran lifts both her legs up to do the inspection.
After five seconds he turns to the apprentice with a scornful face.
"Imbecile!, that's no shrimp. That's her clitoris! Now get back to work, Idiot."
The apprentice whispers to himself "Clitoris?,.. well, sure tastes like shrimp."


You wanna read a joke about Sodium?





What about Nitrosoxide





Umm... Potassium?



A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.

Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?

First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im sawing this piece of wood... What are you stupid?

Doctor: Okay... sorry... Well what about your friend over there?

First patient: Oh him... Don't worry about him... Hes a few sandwiches short of a picnic.... he thinks he's a light bulb....

Doctor: He's your friend... Why don't you get him down?

First patient: What, and work in the dark???


Mad Cow Disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"


The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her and says, "umm... you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"


Doctor: "Do you want to hear the bad news, or the really bad news?"

Patient: "umm I'll hear the really bad news first please"

Doctor: "You have cancer."

Patient: "oh god! What's the bad news?"

Doctor: "you have dementia."

Patient: "well at least I don't have cancer!"


Guy discovers Terrorist Hideout..

Reporter: So how did you catch 'em?
Guy: Umm.. I just found this Charizard then...


A guy gets stopped for speeding.......

As he's sitting in the squad car he tries a little small talk. "Hey," he says to the cop. "You know what I do for a living?" The cop is uninterested. "Umm, no, I don't know what you do." The guy says: "I'm an asshole stretcher." Cop is a little less uninterested. Looks at the guy and says: "Yeah?" The guy says: "Yep, little assholes, big assholes, all kinds of assholes. I stretch them all." The cop is a little more interested. "Really? You really stretch assholes?" "Yep." The guy says. "Why I stretched one asshole to 6 feet." The guy really has the cops attention now and the cop says: "What the hell would anyone do with a 6 foot asshole?" The guy replies: "I guess just give them a radar gun and a squad car and set them by a bridge."


Box of condoms fall onto virgin's lap on the way to the drive-in...

Virgin - "What are these?"
Guy - "Umm.. those..those are cigarette holders!"
Virgin - "Where do you get these cigarette holders?"
Guy - "At the pharmacy."
(The next day the virgin goes to the pharmacy to get herself some cigarette holders)
Pharmacist - "How may I help you?"
Virgin - "I'd like a box of condoms, please."
Pharmacist - "Okay, what size do you need, Miss?"
Virgin - "I'd say big enough for a camel!"


I asked my immigrant Asian parents if they knew what Roe v. Wade was.

"Umm... the decision we had to make when we came to this country?"


What are the most funny Umm jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Umm? Well, here are the best Umm dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Umm pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes