Howlingly Hilarious Umm Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?
Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?
Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.
A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.
Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, Just give him some Head & Shoulders. She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?
A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld
**j**...:** This isn't a good time.
**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?
**j**...:** I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
**Telemarketer:** Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
**j**...:** Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
**Telemarketer:** Umm, no.
**j**...:** Well, now you know how I feel.
A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..
When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have *both* of them!" chuckles the blonde
"Umm.. seven?"
When someone botched a joke.
Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "
Class: "umm"
Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."
Friend: "what?"
Me: "poor delivery"
This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.
A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having s**...
One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.
That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"
The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."
The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."
Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"
"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"
The phone rang in the principal's office...
Principal: "Hello?"
Caller: "Umm yes hi, my son won't be coming to school today because he's got the flu."
Principal: "OK and who may I ask is speaking?"
Caller: "Umm my dad."
[at auto mechanic]
\[at auto mechanic\]
MECHANIC: Can I help you?
ME: My car won't start
MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle
ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?
An English Class
Sentence: I live in Czechia.
"What is the verb in this sentence?"
"Umm... live?"
"Great, now how do we say this sentence in past tense?"
"Umm... I live in Czechoslovakia?"
A father and a son were talking about the possibility of cloning each other. The son says, Umm, I don't know about that. I don't really fully understand what it does. The father looks at him and says..
Well son, that makes two of us.
April 1st Operation
(Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.)
"How's my wife? How's my baby?"
"Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."
(Man starts crying)
"APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!" (laugh)
(Man starts laughing with the doctor.)
"The fact is your wife died as well."
You can explore umm nah reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean umm uhm dad jokes. There are also umm puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
In a a gents restroom, a man is sitting in a stall doing his business.
Suddenly the man in the next stall starts a conversation:
"Hello there!"
"Umm... Hello"
"How are you?"
"I'm uhh..fine... How about yourself?"
"I'm doing great. What are your doing right now?"
"Uhhhh..... Nothing much.... Just sitting here...."
"Shall I come over?"
"*Nervously* Noooo!! That would be so awkward"
"Alright man I'll hang up now, the idiot in the next stall is responding to everything I say."
— You know, that doctor actually managed to improve my memory.
— Really? That's great! What's his name?
— Umm... you know that flower, the beautiful one, with red petals, a nice smell and thorns?
— You mean a rose?
— Yes, rose, exactly, thank you! (turning to his wife) Rose, honey, what's my doctor's name?
A pirate walks into a bar...
With a steering wheel tied to his c**....
The bar tender asks umm, why is steering wheel tied to your c**...?
The pirate replies Aarrrr it be driving me nuts!!
Teacher: alright time for attendance. Is X Æ A-12 here?
**X Æ A-12:** present
**Teacher:** okay and how about... umm... achhh-med???
**Ahmed:** -__-
Donner, party of 5?
Er, 4? Umm, 3?...
Hey There's 20 Letters in The Alphabet Right?
"Hey there's 20 letters in the alphabet right?"
"Umm, actually there's 26."
"Oh, I forgot U R A Q T."
"That's sweet, but you're missing a letter."
"Oh don't worry, you'll get the D later."
You wanna read a joke about Sodium?
Na
.
.
.
What about Nitrosoxide
NO
.
.
.
Umm... Potassium?
K..
Kid: Dad ,what is g**...?
Dad: g**... are men who love other men
Kid: What is penetrating g**...?
Dad: Umm.. May I see what you're reading?
Dad: Ohh you meant penetrating gaze!
The appointment.
Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her and says, "umm... you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"
As an American who only speaks English I can make this joke (it works better irl but whatever):
A: What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
B: Trilingual?
A: Yup! What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
B: Bilingual.
A: Yes! What do you call someone who speaks one language?
B: Umm, unilingual?
A: No! American!
Doctor: "Do you want to hear the bad news, or the really bad news?"
Patient: "umm I'll hear the really bad news first please"
Doctor: "You have cancer."
Patient: "oh god! What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "you have dementia."
Patient: "well at least I don't have cancer!"
Box of condoms fall onto v**...'s lap on the way to the drive-in...
v**... - "What are these?"
Guy - "Umm.. those..those are cigarette holders!"
v**... - "Where do you get these cigarette holders?"
Guy - "At the pharmacy."
(The next day the v**... goes to the pharmacy to get herself some cigarette holders)
Pharmacist - "How may I help you?"
v**... - "I'd like a box of condoms, please."
Pharmacist - "Okay, what size do you need, Miss?"
v**... - "I'd say big enough for a camel!"
King Pharaoh: I have a great business opportunity for you...
Israelites: Umm, is this not a pyramid scheme?
Guy discovers t**... Hideout..
Reporter: So how did you catch 'em?
Guy: Umm.. I just found this Charizard then...
Who is faster? Superman or the flash?
Umm. The cameraman?...
I asked my immigrant Asian parents if they knew what Roe v. Wade was.
"Umm... the decision we had to make when we came to this country?"
A bear walks into a bar...
A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender greets the bear, "Hey there! What can I get for you?"
The bear goes, "Umm, I'll have..."
The bartender checks his watch, waiting patiently for the bear's order.
Finally, the bear answers, "...a gin and tonic please."
The bartender replies, "Why the big pause?"
The customer retorts, looking slightly confused, "Because I'm a bear."
A teacher instructed a second-grade student to give a sentence about a public servant
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant", he answered.
"Umm... Do you know what pregnant means?"
"Yes", said the boy. "It means carrying a child."
Father: Tom, am I a bad father?
Son: Umm, my name is Paul.
A guy walks into his wife to see her having s**... with another man ...
He immediately shouts what's going on here?
The wife replies "Umm... You got a friend in me?"
Umm
Hey were you born in april? Because you're an april fool.
My friends tell me I have an... wait... ah yes...
umm... AH! An eidetic memory!
The middle east have the best airlines
Which is interesting considering their umm prior experiences with planes.
There's this German guy who hides everything from me
His name is... umm... uhh... Alzheimer!
How much money do i need to give you for you to eat meat?
Vegetarian: "umm idk, 100k?"
Me: "HAH! So you do want to eat meat!"
NUTS
One nut asks another nut, "hey what are you doing tonight?"
The other nut replies, "Umm nuttin' "
