umm Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious umm stories

What are the best Umm puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Umm? Well here is a complete list of Umm dad jokes:

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!


"Doctor Doctor! My butt hurts!"

"Well, let's have a look at i-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over.
"What is it?"
"You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt."
"Well, pull it out!"
The doctor does.
"Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."
The doctor retrieves the bill and it's replaced. This goes on. There's $20s,$10s, $5s, $1s, the odd $50 bill and a single hundred. Eventually, it stops.
"How much is there?" Asks the man.
The doctor counts it up. "I've pulled $1,999.00 from your butt"
"That'd be right," says the man, "I wasn't feeling two grand."


A lawyer goes to prison

A shady lawyer get sentenced to a prison term after his actions are revealed. When he gets put on his cell, he sees that his cell mate is a massive 300 lb southerner. He says hello.

"You gonna be the husband, or you gonna be the wife?" His cell mate asks.

"Umm, no thank you," responds the lawyer.

"You gonna be the husband or you gonna be the wife?" Is asked again.

"Listen, I don't wanna be either, I just want to do my time man." says the lawyer.

Now his cell mate starts to look really angry. "I'm gonna ask you one more time motha fucka, you gonna be the husband or you gonna be the wife!?"

"Shit shit shit" the lawyer thinks in a panic, "husband or wife, give it or take it, fuck!"

"I'll be the husband!" he yells.

"Good, now that we have that out of the way, get over here and suck your wife's dick."


The phone rang in the principal's office...

Principal: "Hello?"

Caller: "Umm yes hi, my son won't be coming to school today because he's got the flu."

Principal: "OK and who may I ask is speaking?"

Caller: "Umm my dad."


Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!
'so umm... Ladies first' he says as he points at the ladder to go up, his heart pumping, excited to maybe even get to see Nancy's panties.

She starts to climb happily and blissfully unaware of Johnny's intentions. Once Johnny grabs the ladder to start climbing himself, he gave the ladder a bit of a jolt and she looked down to see what was happening and noticed Johnny looking up and yelled 'Hey! Did you just want Me to climb first so that you can peek at my underwear?!'
Johnny looks down at the ground and admits to his intentions.

She responds 'HA!! The joke's on you! I'm not wearing any panties!'



Anybody read the paper this morning

Person one: "Hey, did you read the news this morning?"
Person two: "No, why?"
Person one: "omg it was crazy, this famous actress stabbed her housekeeper like 50 times!"
Person two: "holy shit, what was her name?"
Person one: "uhh, it was like Reese something, umm Reese..."
Person two: "REESE WITHERSPOON?!?!"
Person one: "No dumbshit she used a knife.."


— You know, that doctor actually managed to improve my memory.

— Really? That's great! What's his name?

— Umm... you know that flower, the beautiful one, with red petals, a nice smell and thorns?

— You mean a rose?

— Yes, rose, exactly, thank you! (turning to his wife) Rose, honey, what's my doctor's name?


My friend's "gong clock"

My friend called me to his house one evening for a catchup. We spent a few hours talking and it was getting late so I decided to leave. "Wait! I haven't shown you my gong clock! He took me upstairs where he had this massive gong close to the back wall. He said "like it?!" I replied "umm.. How does it work? Doesn't it just make a noise?" "Haha not just makes a noise but you can get the time too!" He said. "Let me demonstrate.." He picked up a giant mallet and struck the gong! It was so loud we both covered our ears! When I removed my hands and the gong was quieting down I could hear was knocking on wall and a muffled voice shouting "IT'S 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"


The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her and says, "umm... you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"


Box of condoms fall onto virgin's lap on the way to the drive-in...

Virgin - "What are these?"
Guy - "Umm.. those..those are cigarette holders!"
Virgin - "Where do you get these cigarette holders?"
Guy - "At the pharmacy."
(The next day the virgin goes to the pharmacy to get herself some cigarette holders)
Pharmacist - "How may I help you?"
Virgin - "I'd like a box of condoms, please."
Pharmacist - "Okay, what size do you need, Miss?"
Virgin - "I'd say big enough for a camel!"


Nothing like making cake

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day, and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mommy, what are they doing?" the mother hesitates then quickly says "Umm... they are making cakes. Now come on, we'll go to the Zoo."

At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother, "What are they doing?"
And again her mother says "They are making cakes. That's it, we're going home."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?"
Shocked, the mother says "What? How do you know?"

She says"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."


An American cop stops a man driving.

"Do you have any idea why I pulled you over?"

"Umm, no?"

"Neither do I"

*cop shoots man 6 times"


Once upon a time, three brothers named...

Fart, Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. Fart was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
What are you here for?
so Shut Up says, To release Fart.
The guard then says, Umm... ok. So what's your name?
Shut Up.
The guard, bewildered, says, Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where's your respect?
So Shut Up says, In the car.


A fellow pupil asks little Johnny

-Johnny how do you know when your sister has the period?

-Umm, it's when daddy's weener tastes of poo!


A bus full of nuns crashes...

A bus full of nuns crashes and kills everyone inside. Now their spirits are all in line waiting to get into heaven.

At the front of the line there is an angel who let's them in. as the first nun in line approaches the angel, he says "do you have any sins to confess before I let you into heaven?" the nun replies "no", she gets in. The second nun gets to the angel and he asks again "do you have any sins to confess before I let you into heaven?" she answers "Umm, yes this week I gave a stranger and hand job", the angel then says " that's okay, just wash your hands in holy water and you will allowed in", she does it and is allowed in.

The angel then notices a nun in the back of the line running towards him. When she reaches Him, he asks her "sister, why are you racing to the front of the line?" to which she replies " I just want to wash my mouth before sister Mary has to wash her ass!"


A Joke for all the Arabic speakers out there

Why did the Saudi restaurant get in trouble?

They put the Umm Ali next to the Baba Ghanoush.


A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having Sex

One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.

That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"

The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."

The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."

Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"

"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"


A woman walks into an ice cream shop

A woman walks into an ice cream shop.

She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."

The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."

She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll have a quart of chocolate, please."

The guy looks back at her a bit confused, "No, I'm sorry. It's not the quantity, we are completely out of chocolate right now."

The woman says, "Oh ok... well then I suppose I'll have a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."

The guy is bewildered. He responds, "Lady, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"

"Umm... Of course, S-T-R-A-W"

"Very good. Now can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"

She responds, "Well, yes... V-A-N"

He smiles and says, "Perfect. But now can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"

She furrows her brow, "But there is no 'fuck' in chocolate!"

He goes, "I know, lady that's what I've been trying to tell you!"


A guy gets stopped for speeding.......

As he's sitting in the squad car he tries a little small talk. "Hey," he says to the cop. "You know what I do for a living?" The cop is uninterested. "Umm, no, I don't know what you do." The guy says: "I'm an asshole stretcher." Cop is a little less uninterested. Looks at the guy and says: "Yeah?" The guy says: "Yep, little assholes, big assholes, all kinds of assholes. I stretch them all." The cop is a little more interested. "Really? You really stretch assholes?" "Yep." The guy says. "Why I stretched one asshole to 6 feet." The guy really has the cops attention now and the cop says: "What the hell would anyone do with a 6 foot asshole?" The guy replies: "I guess just give them a radar gun and a squad car and set them by a bridge."


Could you tell Mr. Stevens I need to speak with him please?

"He's abroad now in Hungary."

"Umm, ok. I'll send her some chocolate then."


A pirate with a steering wheel...

A pirate with a steering wheel walks in a bar. The bartender says:

"Umm, sir, you do know you have a steering wheel in your pants, don't you?"

And the pirate replies:

"Yarrrrr, 'tis drivin' me nuts!"


A teacher asks her class...

"what does your dad do and if he were here what would he give the class? You also have to be able to spell his job". Little Sally raises her hand and says "My daddy is a banker, B,A,N,K,E,R, and if he were here, he would give everyone a dollar". "Very good" said the teacher. Phillip raises his hand and says "My dad is a Marine, M,A,R,I,N,E, and if he were here, he would give everyone a flag. The teacher also then responds positively. Jerome then raises his hand and says "my dad be a 'mochanic', M, O, umm O. I ain't sure how to spell it Mrs. Flannigan". "That's ok Jerome, we'll come back to you". Johnny's hand goes straight up and says "My dad is a Bookie, B,O,O,K,I,E, and if he were here, he'd give you 10 to 1 odds that little nigger boy ain't gonna know how to spell mechanic".


Virgins first date...

While driving they hit a bump and a box of condoms falls out of the glove compartment onto the girls lap..
Virgin - "What are these?"
Boy - "That's a box of condoms!"
Virgin - "What are they used for?"
Boy - "Umm.. Those are my cigarette holders."
Virgin - "Where do you get these holders?"
Boy - "The Pharmacy..."
(Next day the virgin goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms)
Virgin- "I'd like a box of condoms please."
Pharmacist - "Well how big do you need them?"
Virgin - "I'd say big enough for a camel!"


Man goes to doctor..

He says to the doctor "I don't know what I've done but my arm hurts real bad!" The doctor replies "can you point out where it hurts the most for me please?" The man points, touching his inner wrist "it hurts here.. OUCH!" And then his elbow "it also hurts here.. OWW!", the doctor stops him there and says "does it hurt here?" As he taps his pointing finger on the elbow. "Umm.. No, actually it doesn't!" "Hmm, what about here?" Touching his inner wrist in the same place as the man previously pointed, "no! Lol! That's weird!" The doctor walks around the table to his seat and says "I think I see the problem." Curious the man asks "what is it doc? Is my arm ok or....?" The doctor looks over to the man above his glasses and says "you've hurt your finger!"



You've red some of the best umm jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 24 puns about umm. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty umm gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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