Umm Jokes

What are some Umm jokes?

A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.

Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, Just give him some Head & Shoulders. She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?

A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld

**Jerry:** This isn't a good time.

**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?

**Jerry:** I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?

**Telemarketer:** Umm, we're not allowed to do that.

**Jerry:** Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.

**Telemarketer:** Umm, no.

**Jerry:** Well, now you know how I feel.

A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..

When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have *both* of them!" chuckles the blonde

"Umm.. seven?"

When someone botched a joke.

Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "

Class: "umm"

Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."

Friend: "what?"

Me: "poor delivery"

This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.

A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having Sex

One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.

That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"

The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."

The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."

Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"

"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

The phone rang in the principal's office...

Principal: "Hello?"

Caller: "Umm yes hi, my son won't be coming to school today because he's got the flu."

Principal: "OK and who may I ask is speaking?"

Caller: "Umm my dad."

An American, a Brit, and a Japanese guy are stranded on a desert Island...

...the American says, "We're great at running the world, so I'll be President of the island." The Brit says, "We do whatever you blokes say, so I'll be Vice President." The American starts drawing out plans to build shelter and explaining them to the Brit. The Japanese guy asks, "Wait, what about me?" "Umm, you can be in charge of supplies."

So the Japanese guy goes off into the jungle and the American and Brit commence building. By the time they finish, the Japanese guy still isn't back. The other two start to get worried, so they decide to go in after them. When they're a good way into the jungle, the Japanese guy jumps out from behind a bush and yells "SUPPLIES!"

Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!
'so umm... Ladies first' he says as he points at the ladder to go up, his heart pumping, excited to maybe even get to see Nancy's panties.

She starts to climb happily and blissfully unaware of Johnny's intentions. Once Johnny grabs the ladder to start climbing himself, he gave the ladder a bit of a jolt and she looked down to see what was happening and noticed Johnny looking up and yelled 'Hey! Did you just want Me to climb first so that you can peek at my underwear?!'
Johnny looks down at the ground and admits to his intentions.

She responds 'HA!! The joke's on you! I'm not wearing any panties!'


April 1st Operation

(Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.)

"How's my wife? How's my baby?"

"Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."

(Man starts crying)

"APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!" (laugh)

(Man starts laughing with the doctor.)

"The fact is your wife died as well."

β€” You know, that doctor actually managed to improve my memory.

β€” Really? That's great! What's his name?

β€” Umm... you know that flower, the beautiful one, with red petals, a nice smell and thorns?

β€” You mean a rose?

β€” Yes, rose, exactly, thank you! (turning to his wife) Rose, honey, what's my doctor's name?

My friend's "gong clock"

My friend called me to his house one evening for a catchup. We spent a few hours talking and it was getting late so I decided to leave. "Wait! I haven't shown you my gong clock! He took me upstairs where he had this massive gong close to the back wall. He said "like it?!" I replied "umm.. How does it work? Doesn't it just make a noise?" "Haha not just makes a noise but you can get the time too!" He said. "Let me demonstrate.." He picked up a giant mallet and struck the gong! It was so loud we both covered our ears! When I removed my hands and the gong was quieting down I could hear was knocking on wall and a muffled voice shouting "IT'S 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"

Once upon a time, three brothers named...

Fart, Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. Fart was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
What are you here for?
so Shut Up says, To release Fart.
The guard then says, Umm... ok. So what's your name?
Shut Up.
The guard, bewildered, says, Hey,hey,hey, watch it! Where's your respect?
So Shut Up says, In the car.

Hey There's 20 Letters in The Alphabet Right?

"Hey there's 20 letters in the alphabet right?"

"Umm, actually there's 26."

"Oh, I forgot U R A Q T."

"That's sweet, but you're missing a letter."

"Oh don't worry, you'll get the D later."

You wanna read a joke about Sodium?





What about Nitrosoxide





Umm... Potassium?


A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.

Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?

First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im sawing this piece of wood... What are you stupid?

Doctor: Okay... sorry... Well what about your friend over there?

First patient: Oh him... Don't worry about him... Hes a few sandwiches short of a picnic.... he thinks he's a light bulb....

Doctor: He's your friend... Why don't you get him down?

First patient: What, and work in the dark???

The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her and says, "umm... you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"

Doctor: "Do you want to hear the bad news, or the really bad news?"

Patient: "umm I'll hear the really bad news first please"

Doctor: "You have cancer."

Patient: "oh god! What's the bad news?"

Doctor: "you have dementia."

Patient: "well at least I don't have cancer!"

Guy discovers Terrorist Hideout..

Reporter: So how did you catch 'em?
Guy: Umm.. I just found this Charizard then...

Box of condoms fall onto virgin's lap on the way to the drive-in...

Virgin - "What are these?"
Guy - "Umm.. those..those are cigarette holders!"
Virgin - "Where do you get these cigarette holders?"
Guy - "At the pharmacy."
(The next day the virgin goes to the pharmacy to get herself some cigarette holders)
Pharmacist - "How may I help you?"
Virgin - "I'd like a box of condoms, please."
Pharmacist - "Okay, what size do you need, Miss?"
Virgin - "I'd say big enough for a camel!"

A woman walks into an ice cream shop

A woman walks into an ice cream shop.

She looks at the selection and says "umm... I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream please."

The guy working there says "I'm sorry ma'am, but we are out of chocolate."

She nods and looks back at the flavors, "Ok...well in that case... I'll have a quart of chocolate, please."

The guy looks back at her a bit confused, "No, I'm sorry. It's not the quantity, we are completely out of chocolate right now."

The woman says, "Oh ok... well then I suppose I'll have a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please."

The guy is bewildered. He responds, "Lady, can you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"

"Umm... Of course, S-T-R-A-W"

"Very good. Now can you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"

She responds, "Well, yes... V-A-N"

He smiles and says, "Perfect. But now can you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"

She furrows her brow, "But there is no 'fuck' in chocolate!"

He goes, "I know, lady that's what I've been trying to tell you!"

I asked my immigrant Asian parents if they knew what Roe v. Wade was.

"Umm... the decision we had to make when we came to this country?"

Nothing like making cake

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day, and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mommy, what are they doing?" the mother hesitates then quickly says "Umm... they are making cakes. Now come on, we'll go to the Zoo."

At the Zoo, the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother, "What are they doing?"
And again her mother says "They are making cakes. That's it, we're going home."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?"
Shocked, the mother says "What? How do you know?"

She says"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Who is faster? Superman or the flash?

Umm. The cameraman?...

Father: Tom, am I a bad father?

Son: Umm, my name is Paul.

A teacher instructed a second-grade student to give a sentence about a public servant

"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant", he answered.

"Umm... Do you know what pregnant means?"

"Yes", said the boy. "It means carrying a child."

A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender greets the bear, "Hey there! What can I get for you?"

The bear goes, "Umm, I'll have..."

The bartender checks his watch, waiting patiently for the bear's order.

Finally, the bear answers, "...a gin and tonic please."

The bartender replies, "Why the big pause?"

The customer retorts, looking slightly confused, "Because I'm a bear."

How to make Umm jokes?

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