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Umm Jokes

46 umm jokes and hilarious umm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about umm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Umm Short Jokes

Short umm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The umm humour may include short nah jokes also.

  1. Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen? Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?
    Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.
  2. [at auto mechanic] \[at auto mechanic\]
    MECHANIC: Can I help you?
    ME: My car won't start
    MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle
    ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?
  3. An English Class Sentence: I live in Czechia.
    "What is the verb in this sentence?"
    "Umm... live?"
    "Great, now how do we say this sentence in past tense?"
    "Umm... I live in Czechoslovakia?"
  4. Okay, we need a title for our fantasy novel involving dragons. Any ideas? …Dragon?
    It can't just be Dragon.
    Umm… Cragon?
    No, that's awful. Come on, think harder.
    Umm…. Eragon?
    ….Bingo.
  5. You wanna read a joke about Sodium? Na
    .
    .
    .
    What about Nitrosoxide
    NO
    .
    .
    .
    Umm... Potassium?
    K..
  6. King Pharaoh: I have a great business opportunity for you... Israelites: Umm, is this not a pyramid scheme?
  7. I asked my immigrant asian parents if they knew what Roe v. Wade was. "Umm... the decision we had to make when we came to this country?"
  8. What does this joke mean from jimmy kimmel show? Bed Bath & Beyond is currently offering store credit in exchange for Toys RUs gift cards. Said kids, Umm… I guess the whiskey decanter?
  9. A guy walks into a a Japanese restaurant... Guy: hey, could I get some chilli?
    Waitress: I'm sorry sir, but this is a Japanese restaurant.
    Guy:umm... let me rephrase. Herro I'd rike some chirri.
  10. The middle east have the best airlines Which is interesting considering their umm prior experiences with planes.

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Umm One Liners

Which umm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with umm? I can suggest the ones about correctly and yep.

  1. Donner, party of 5? Er, 4? Umm, 3?...
  2. Who is faster? Superman or the flash? Umm. The cameraman?...
  3. Father: Tom, am I a bad father? Son: Umm, my name is Paul.
  4. Umm Hey were you born in april? Because you're an april fool.
  5. My friends tell me I have an... wait... ah yes... umm... AH! An eidetic memory!
  6. The word 'BED' looks like bed Umm, never mind..
  7. Me: Hey girl. She: Yes?
    Me: Umm... nothing. I've never gone this far before.. 😳
  8. Umm Leo, there has been a mistake... Steve Harvey wrote the cards.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about umm can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of umm puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Howlingly Hilarious Umm Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about umm you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean ooh jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make umm prank.

A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.

Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, Just give him some Head & Shoulders. She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?

A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld

**j**...:** This isn't a good time.
**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?
**j**...:** I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
**Telemarketer:** Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
**j**...:** Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
**Telemarketer:** Umm, no.
**j**...:** Well, now you know how I feel.

A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..

When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have *both* of them!" chuckles the blonde
"Umm.. seven?"

When someone botched a joke.

Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "
Class: "umm"
Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."
Friend: "what?"
Me: "poor delivery"
This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.

A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having s**...

One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.
That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"
The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."
The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."
Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"
"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"

The phone rang in the principal's office...

Principal: "Hello?"
Caller: "Umm yes hi, my son won't be coming to school today because he's got the flu."
Principal: "OK and who may I ask is speaking?"
Caller: "Umm my dad."

A father and a son were talking about the possibility of cloning each other. The son says, Umm, I don't know about that. I don't really fully understand what it does. The father looks at him and says..

Well son, that makes two of us.

April 1st Operation

(Doctor walks out of operation room. A man quickly reached the doctor.)
"How's my wife? How's my baby?"
"Well your wife is okay, but... Your baby... umm..."
(Man starts crying)
"APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA! Jokes on you!" (laugh)
(Man starts laughing with the doctor.)
"The fact is your wife died as well."

In a a gents restroom, a man is sitting in a stall doing his business.

Suddenly the man in the next stall starts a conversation:
"Hello there!"
"Umm... Hello"
"How are you?"
"I'm uhh..fine... How about yourself?"
"I'm doing great. What are your doing right now?"
"Uhhhh..... Nothing much.... Just sitting here...."
"Shall I come over?"
"*Nervously* Noooo!! That would be so awkward"
"Alright man I'll hang up now, the idiot in the next stall is responding to everything I say."

— You know, that doctor actually managed to improve my memory.

— Really? That's great! What's his name?
— Umm... you know that flower, the beautiful one, with red petals, a nice smell and thorns?
— You mean a rose?
— Yes, rose, exactly, thank you! (turning to his wife) Rose, honey, what's my doctor's name?

A pirate walks into a bar...

With a steering wheel tied to his c**....
The bar tender asks umm, why is steering wheel tied to your c**...?
The pirate replies Aarrrr it be driving me nuts!!

Teacher: alright time for attendance. Is X Æ A-12 here?

**X Æ A-12:** present
**Teacher:** okay and how about... umm... achhh-med???
**Ahmed:** -__-

Hey There's 20 Letters in The Alphabet Right?

"Hey there's 20 letters in the alphabet right?"
"Umm, actually there's 26."
"Oh, I forgot U R A Q T."
"That's sweet, but you're missing a letter."
"Oh don't worry, you'll get the D later."

Kid: Dad ,what is g**...?

Dad: g**... are men who love other men
Kid: What is penetrating g**...?
Dad: Umm.. May I see what you're reading?
Dad: Ohh you meant penetrating gaze!

The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her and says, "umm... you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"

As an American who only speaks English I can make this joke (it works better irl but whatever):

A: What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
B: Trilingual?
A: Yup! What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
B: Bilingual.
A: Yes! What do you call someone who speaks one language?
B: Umm, unilingual?
A: No! American!

Doctor: "Do you want to hear the bad news, or the really bad news?"

Patient: "umm I'll hear the really bad news first please"
Doctor: "You have cancer."
Patient: "oh god! What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "you have dementia."
Patient: "well at least I don't have cancer!"

Box of condoms fall onto v**...'s lap on the way to the drive-in...

v**... - "What are these?"
Guy - "Umm.. those..those are cigarette holders!"
v**... - "Where do you get these cigarette holders?"
Guy - "At the pharmacy."
(The next day the v**... goes to the pharmacy to get herself some cigarette holders)
Pharmacist - "How may I help you?"
v**... - "I'd like a box of condoms, please."
Pharmacist - "Okay, what size do you need, Miss?"
v**... - "I'd say big enough for a camel!"

Guy discovers t**... Hideout..

Reporter: So how did you catch 'em?
Guy: Umm.. I just found this Charizard then...

A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender greets the bear, "Hey there! What can I get for you?"
The bear goes, "Umm, I'll have..."
The bartender checks his watch, waiting patiently for the bear's order.
Finally, the bear answers, "...a gin and tonic please."
The bartender replies, "Why the big pause?"
The customer retorts, looking slightly confused, "Because I'm a bear."

A teacher instructed a second-grade student to give a sentence about a public servant

"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant", he answered.
"Umm... Do you know what pregnant means?"
"Yes", said the boy. "It means carrying a child."

A guy walks into his wife to see her having s**... with another man ...

He immediately shouts what's going on here?
The wife replies "Umm... You got a friend in me?"

There's this German guy who hides everything from me

His name is... umm... uhh... Alzheimer!

How much money do i need to give you for you to eat meat?

Vegetarian: "umm idk, 100k?"
Me: "HAH! So you do want to eat meat!"

NUTS

One nut asks another nut, "hey what are you doing tonight?"
The other nut replies, "Umm nuttin' "

Two old friends are catching up for the first time in a few months.

Dave: How's those memory pills you're on Bill, are they working?
Bill: They're fantastic mate, couldn't be happier. I'm remembering old faces, recalling old times, I'm very happy.
Dave: Hmm, what are they called, I might have to get some for myself.
Bill: Oh, umm, gee, what's the name of that flower?
Dave: Daisy?
Bill: No no no, the really pretty flower.
Dave: A tulip?
Bill: No, that's not it either, the romantic flower that grows in the garden.
Dave: A rose?
Bill: Yes! That's it, a rose. (Yelling to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that medication I'm on?!
Be kind, it's my first joke...

jokes about umm

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these umm jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.