Umbrella Jokes
109 umbrella jokes and hilarious umbrella puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about umbrella that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh in the rain with these hilarious umbrella jokes! Get ready for some completely absurd, Mary Poppins-inspired puns, aesthetic raincoat anecdotes, and some serious awning wit. Whether you are a fan of the Umbrella Academy or not, these jokes will have you rolling!
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Funniest Umbrella Short Jokes
Short umbrella jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The umbrella humour may include short rain coat jokes also.
- I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1 - I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit. I think it's time to make a stand.
- My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind. Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!
- So today my wife was screaming Give it to me, I'm so wet! give it to me! She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.
- My wife didn't understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague. I had to remind her it's a shady business.
- My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!! Guess you don't need an umbrella if it's never gonna rain...
- British people are like coconuts Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us.
Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella. - On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined. I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn't have an umbrella policy.
- Mr. Trump told his servant to water the plant outside the house The servant said, "But sir, it's raining outside"
Mr. Trump replied, "Can't you use the umbrella?" - Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman's family reunion? Because it was a Wayne-y day.
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Umbrella One Liners
Which umbrella one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with umbrella? I can suggest the ones about blanket and stroller.
- The man who invented the umbrella was going to call it brella. When asked, he hesitated.
- I don't trust umbrellas. They're shady.
- Why did snoop dogg bring an umbrella? There was a Lil Wayne outside
- why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle
- Me: [Holds the door for my wife] My wife: Why can't we just buy an umbrella
- What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella? Wet.
Source: me, now. - Do you know what always catches my eye? Short people with umbrellas
- Don't tell clever jokes about umbrellas. They just go over people's heads !
- What's the difference between my wife and an umbrella? Only one of them gets wet
- An umbrella is: A shelter for one and a shower for two.
- Why do people carry umbrellas when it rains? Because umbrellas can't walk. Ba'dum tssss
- Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Because he was scared of a Lil' Wayne.
- Rihanna's beauty kit is selling well... ...imagine if she sold umbrellas.
- Why did the doe give the faun an umbrella? In case of reindeer. And because I caribou.
- I bought myself a new umbrella Saving it for a rainy day..
Umbrella Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny umbrella day jokes and even better umbrella day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Every day, for the last two years, I've been putting something aside for a rainy day... ... But what am I going to do with 500 umbrellas and 200 pairs of wellies?
- A weather girl walks into a chemist And buys an umbrella, a pair of sunglasses and a box of tampons.
She was expecting rain with sunny periods that day - I just bought a brand new umbrella, but I'm not gonna use it yet. I'm saving it for a rainy day.
- I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.
Umbrella Academy Jokes
Here is a list of funny umbrella academy jokes and even better umbrella academy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What would it be called if the Umbrella Academy had another sibling, and then triplets, but one of them was taller than the other 2? 2 number 9's and a number 9 large.
Giggle-Inducing Umbrella Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about umbrella you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rainy day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make umbrella pranks.
How to be Insulting in Banks: Try to use one of the automatic cash dispensers, but use it incorrectly. If it's inside the bank, do this until someone is sent to help you out, or until you're asked to leave. If it's outside the bank, kick the machine and try to open it with your car keys, a penknife or your umbrella.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men from Dublin are walking to the annual Dublin Fair, when it starts to rain. "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining." "I can't, m**..., it's got holes in it." "Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?" "I didn't think it would rain."
When raining, Chuck Norris doesn't need an umbrella , he can dodge the rain drops.
An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat.
"But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously.
"Oh certainly, ma am," said the manager smoothly.
"After all, you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"
An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A quick one for tomorrow's tax day
**IRS Agent:** You can't deduct and umbrella!
**Taxpayer:** Why not? It's overhead, isn't it?
So broccoli was having a conversation with some of his friends...
The broccoli said: "I look like a tree!"
The mushroom said: "I look like an umbrella!"
The walnut said: "I look like a brain!"
The banana said: "Can we please change the subject?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two English Muslims go on holiday in Spain...
Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning.
"Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. We should bring an umbrella though."
"Ah, but Hissam, how is the weather looking on the forecast? Is it Sunni, or is it s**...'ite?"
Did you hear the one about the umbrella in the trench coat and sunglasses?
He was looking shady.
Whose point is it anyway?
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke from orange is the new black
So a penguin and a farmer walk into a bar. The penguin starts eating the tiny fancy drink umbrellas. The Bartender says to the Farmer, "Hey, your eggplant's gotta pay for those." And so the Penguin says "Dude, he's not an eggplant, he's r**...."
Corny Jokes
What kind of bees produce milk?
--Boobies
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
-- fo drizzle
What's black and rhymes with snoop?
--Dr. Dre
Why don't you play poker in the jungle?
-- Too many cheetahs
What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she have him a sweater for Xmas??
-- Gh, Gh, Ghee, U Knit..
So an old man marries a 20 year old blonde...
and she gets pregnant. So he goes to the doctor. The doctor proceeds to tell him a tale:
"Once a boy went to the woods alone with an umbrella. He encounters a tiger in the woods. The boy points the umbrella at the tiger and the tiger drops dead immediately." The old man interrupts "Somebody else must have shot her!". "Exactly what I want to tell you" says the doctor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
why do people carry umbrellas?
because umbrellas cant walk.
(ba dum tsss)
i s**... at jokes :((((
Forecast calls for rain so I'll bring an umbrella.
It's the wetness protection program.
What's the difference between the song 'Umbrella', and Chris Brown?
One's Rihanna's beats, and the other beats Rihanna.
Saw a man selling umbrellas in the rain today.
He ironically was umbrella-less. When I asked him why, he replied: "Man, I don't stay dry off my own supply."
The Energizer Bunny stole the Morton's girl umbrella.
It was assault with battery!
A 96 year old man...
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
Jesus is coming!
Hope you have an umbrella.
I decided to be chivalrous during my first semester of college by offering a girl my umbrella in the rain
I've been here a month and I've made -1 girls wet.
Why do the English always carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk
Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
What goes up a chimney down, but cannot go down a chimney up?
An umbrella.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John and Peter
John: Dude my girlfriend is pregnant, but I use a c**... every time.
Peter: Come here my dear friend and I will explain it to you
John: Ok.
Peter: A man went into the jungle with an umbrella. He saw a tiger coming right at him. He touched the button of his umbrella and the tiger died.
John: Haha!But that's impossible. Maybe someone else shot the tiger.
Peter: Exactly..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you hold an umbrella for a feminist without offending said feminist?
She doesn't need one. The glass ceiling keeps her dry.
What is an umbrella doing in the shower?
Practicing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella
She notices j**... colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"
What makes a happy umbrella?
a one that takes in the reins
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
I realized placing a long umbrella on my back does not make me like a ninja samurai...
But more like a Teletubbies.
A wife says to her husband 'GIVE IT TO ME NOW, I NEED IT SO BAD!'
But no matter how much she begged and pleaded I wasn't going to give her the umbrella.
TIL I've been lied to about lemmings
Turns out the don't use umbrellas or build bridges!
Blonde's
An evil genie captured a blonde and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing.
The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst.
The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off.
The blonde brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Just give it to me already!", my girlfriend screamed, "You know I'm so f**...' wet!"
But no matter how much she screamed, I wasn't giving her my umbrella.
What did one umbrella soldier say to the other?
Cover me
What should you do when you see Rainman?
Open the umbrella man!
I'm outta here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Give it to me! Give it to me now, I'm so f*cking wet!"
She could scream all she wanted, I was not giving her the umbrella.
One umbrella turns to another and says
"You don't really look that good bro".
The other replies, "Yeah, I've been feeling kinda under the weather".
I've had a very shady past...
I've been working in the umbrella industry for over 20 years
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
Why did the wrestler always carry an umbrella on him?
Because he was the raining champ.
Why do people feel bad when it rains?
Because, nothing throws shade like an umbrella. #dadjoke
Parasol
It's an umbrella term.
What is common between an animal doctor and a war surviving ex-soldier who are both soaked in the rain?
They both forgot their umbrella
My umbrella broke and wouldn't close, it started acting all egotistical and conceited.
You might even say it was...stuck up!
How do you get Trump to put down an umbrella?
Getting to try and walk through a plane door with it. His staff will collapse it for him.
I gave my umbrella to a girl today
That makes changes the count of 'how many girls I've made wet this year' to -1
Why can't umbrellas remember anything?
Because they're *rain*washed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between pain and a catastrophe?
Pain is when someone puts an umbrella up your a**....
Catastrophe is when they open it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I pulled this out of my a**... one day but here goes....
My dad: I've seen that news g**... another weather channel.
Me: They must be owned by the same umbrella company.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.
The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's s**...! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.
Doctor's consultation.
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass.......
Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he's about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says - If you touch the soda, I won't go home and get the umbrella.
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
