Ultimate Jokes
74 ultimate jokes and hilarious ultimate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ultimate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you want the ultimate in laugh-out-loud jokes? Look no further! This article features the best of the best, from Ultimate Frisbee puns to Als Final and Abdulla. Check out the ultimate deez nuts and yo mama jokes for an unbeatable giggle!
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- Short Ultimate Jokes
- Ultimate One Liners
- Ultimate Dad Jokes
- Ultimate Frisbee Jokes
- More Ultimate Jokes
Funniest Ultimate Short Jokes
Short ultimate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ultimate humour may include short elite jokes also.
- After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.
- A vegan buddhist... ...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.
- Sometimes people are surprised to find out I've been named after my dad.... ....but how could I have been named before him?
Source : Hank Green, the ultimate Dad - Did you hear NASCAR and Formula One we're trying to make an Ultimate Showdown race but it got cancelled due to controversy? Apparently nascar fans didn't want to mix the races....
- The ultimate Dad Joke A father, on his deathbed, with his son crying over him.
Son: "I'm so sad"
Father: "Hi sad"... leans in and whispers, I'm dead."
Keels over and dies. - A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make.. ..the ultimate sack of rice."
- I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt Turns out He won by a landslide
- Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful. Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour
- What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet? A Pi-Thon!
Credit goes to my girlfriend, the ultimate dad. - The ultimate catch-22. My boss said I need to improve my work ethic.
I told him I'd work on it.
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Ultimate One Liners
Which ultimate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ultimate? I can suggest the ones about upper and mighty.
- What is the ultimate definition of trust? Two cannibals going down on each other
- Archaeologists are the ultimate hipsters They love all that underground stuff.
- Link to the ultimate guide for sewing and hemming clothing. Sorry, wrong thread.
- And now…for the ultimate test of Andrew Tate's masculinity… Prison
- What is an evil cow's ultimate goal? Udder mayhem
- What is the ultimate Jewish conflict? Pork chops at half price
- A severed foot... ...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg
- Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete. 18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.
- If a vegan becomes a vegetable, have they achieved their ultimate goal?
- what ultimately decides your fate while you are driving? Your Carma
- Is Waluigi going to be a DLC for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate? No
- I suffer from delusions of having the ultimate vehicle... ...It's driving me up the wall.
- What is the ultimate guilty pleasure? A warm toilet seat in a public bathroom.
- What sport does Kyrie Irving play? Ultimate frisbee
- Nobody talks about Jesus' ultimate miracle. Having 12 close friends in his 30s.
Ultimate Dad Jokes
Here is a list of funny ultimate dad jokes and even better ultimate dad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad had the ultimate dad joke... When we were little, he'd tell us how we had to remember to take our wallets out of our jeans when we put in the washing machine.
Because that's laundering money.
Ultimate Frisbee Jokes
Here is a list of funny ultimate frisbee jokes and even better ultimate frisbee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the hardest part of playing ultimate frisbee? Explaining to your parents that you're gay.
Giggle-Inducing Ultimate Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about ultimate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ideal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ultimate pranks.
You know what's the ultimate form of rejection?
When your hand goes to sleep while you're m**....
A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy
In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.
98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study,
it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
the ultimate pick up poem as told by my drunk father
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I've got a gun,
Get in the van
What is a man's ultimate shame?
When he runs into a wall with a hard-on and grabs his nose first!
My dad used to tell the ultimate dad joke passed on by his Native American father from Arizona.
"You boys know how all these cacti got their name?"
*sigh* "No dad how did they decide on a name?"
"Well, when the first Native American tried the water from them, he exclaimed 'Yucca!'"
(Yucca is the name of an abundant species of cacti found in Arizona)
(I cringed when I heard this and I loved my grandfather very much so I understand any negative reaction)
Kids are great. They are the ultimate proof that you, at one point of your life, pleasured a woman.
On an unrelated note, would you like to see a picture of my 12 kids?
A man and his wife are touring Egypt.
While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies, "I was trying to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!"
Why were Huma Abedin's darkest fears about seduction by Bill Clinton unfounded?
Because ultimately it was Hillary who ended up showing her the Huma door.
I can't direct you the ingredients to the ultimate diet shake....
But I can show you the whey
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick...
It's two chicks fighting over a pair of shoes.
A group of crows framed my friend, ultimately leading to his death
I swear I'll find the m**... who criminalized him!
A man was apprehended for public m**... but ultimately let go because he only did it for 10 seconds...
Ya, he definitely got off easy.
My friend just said this...
"I know I've reached my ultimate form when all I do is hit dabs in my bathroom and watch Naruto."
They didn't take too well to my latest AR videogame sales pitch...
Frogger Live, Ultimate Edition
The internet is like a choose your own adventure game
Where every adventure ultimately ends with me m**...
finally discovered why all the evangelicals support Trump
"He is the ultimate cure to omosexuality: just one year of Trump and all the gay men in america suddenly realized how much they miss the bush"
Dyslexic criminals love w**....
It's the ultimate getaway drug.
The Ultimate Question.
A man is granted the answer to any question he could possibly think of by a genie.
The man thinks a bit before finally asking: "Would people get mad if they found out I wasted this opportunity?"
We all know what Murphy's law is (anything that can go wrong ultimately will). But do you know what Coles Law is?
It's shredded cabbage
I thought about quitting m**... for good.
But, ultimately, I decided to just get a grip. Despite all the ups and downs, I'm just not prepared for anything to get out of hand.
My gfriend left me recently.
It has been really tough. We tried to be friends but ultimately just decided to stay cousins.
A Pavlovian Twist
The ultimate Pavlovian twist is that whenever you hear the name Pavlov you think of a dog
Pompeii must be the ultimate party town
Look at the locals, they're s**... 24/7
A school robotics team made an ultimate weapon, and needed ammo that makes everything fall apart.
That's why they used common core standards.
I told my Girlfriend my ultimate fantasy is to have s**... with two women at the same time. She actually agreed...
She was livid when I told her she was neither of them.
Death is the ultimate s**... partner.
She comes for us all.
I have a depression joke...
but ultimately it's too long, doesn't really go anywhere, and eventually makes you wonder if it's even worth continuing
I'm getting a vasectomy tomorrow
I'll tell my urologist she can start with either side because ultimately it doesn't make a vas deferens.
I almost got a job at a bullring but ultimately decided against it.
There were too many red flags.
How many psychoanalyst does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. But, it takes years and years of therapy, and ultimately the lightbulb has to want to change.
TIL In 1836 a San Antonio pie maker fought with Mexican dairy farmers who tried to serve their pie with a newly developed frozen dairy product. While the pie maker ultimately lost, their valiant struggle is brought to mind any time people declare,
"Remember the à la mode"
The ultimate Frisbee team from the University of Pennsylvania was giving away free writing utensils that had been made by Sean Penn, and I got the second-to-last one.
Now I have the penultimate Penn ultimate Penn pen.
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke. Employee asks kids "Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?"
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?
Daughter groaned, employee laughed and other dad's nodded approvingly.
I think I cracked the overweight problem
# I think I cracked the overweight problem
Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do, I ordered a new weighing scale from Amazon. I was waiting this entire week for it to arrive. It finally arrived today. I just weighed myself, it's 69 now. I'm so proud of myself and the metric system.
Saw Mill Accident
Two coworkers at the saw mill witness a horrible accident that claims the life of their friend Earl. They decide their first course of action would be to inform Earl's wife, who neither of them have ever met. Ultimately, the first worker says he'll go.
About ten minutes later, he returns with a six pack of beer that he claims to have gotten from Earl's wife. In order to explain this, he describes what happened at Earl's house.
"Are you Earl's widow?"
"I'm not a widow."
"Really? You wanna bet a six pack of beer on that?"
Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.
Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter
