Ukrainian Jokes

55 ukrainian jokes and hilarious ukrainian puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ukrainian that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

If you're looking for a good laugh, you'll want to check out these Ukrainian jokes. From clever puns to light-hearted humor, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face.

Funniest Ukrainian Short Jokes

Short ukrainian jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ukrainian humour may include short soviet jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians? Ukrainians defend their Capitol.
  2. How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb? At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.
  3. How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers? The number of stripes on their tracksuits.
  4. Some say... Some say that the average Russian soldier is two feet taller than the average Ukrainian solder. Others say that raised arms don't count.
  5. Justin Timberlake has volunteered to fight along side Ukrainian Forces His first task… Crimea River
  6. The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl. It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.
  7. How many Russians does it take to drive a tank? Two.
    One to control the steering wheel, and one to go flag down the Ukrainian farmer to give them a lift.
  8. I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error. The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".
  9. Putin: There's a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected. Putin's stooge: It's fewer, Mr. President.
    Putin: Don't call me that. Yet.
  10. After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks. Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.

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Ukrainian One Liners

Which ukrainian one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ukrainian? I can suggest the ones about eastern europe and communism.

  1. What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
  2. What is Justin Timberlake's favourite Ukrainian river? The Crimea River.
  3. Why do Russians paint Z's on their tanks? So they can say Ukrainians are not-Z's.
  4. My neighbour says his frog is of Ukrainian origin. I however believe it was a tad pole
  5. Do you know why you shouldn't wear Ukrainian underpants? Chernobyl fall out.
  6. I joined a Ukrainian dating site Now I have a chick in Kiev
  7. Yo mamma so heavy... it takes a Ukrainian tractor to pull her.
  8. What do Ukrainians say before they shoot a rocket? BLASTOV!
  9. What Olympic sport will Ukrainians always beat Russian in? The javelin thrown.
  10. Where do unsympathetic Ukrainians come from? The Crimea River
  11. Why shouldn't you wear tiny shorts on a Ukrainian holiday? Chernobyl fallout
  12. What did the Ukrainian say to the whiny American? Crimea River.
  13. What is long and hard that a Ukrainian woman gets on her wedding night? A last name.
  14. Did you know how Ukrainians felt in 1932? Hungary.
  15. The West is really mad at Russia for taking Ukrainian land.

Ukrainian joke, The West is really mad at Russia for taking Ukrainian land.

Comical & Quirky Ukrainian Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about ukrainian you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean occupation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ukrainian pranks.

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.

Potatoes from Chernobyl

An old woman is shouting at a Ukrainian farmers' market: "Potatoes from Chernobyl! Potatoes from Chernobyl!" A passer-by asks her, "Why are you telling everybody that your potatoes are from Chernobyl? No one will buy them from you." "They do, my dear, they do. For mothers-in-law, for neighbors..."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a v**... Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

Afraid to speak Russian in Ukraine.

"Yefim, you know, I try to speak Russian as little as possible."
"Why? What happened? Are you afraid that Ukrainians will beat you up?"
"No, I am scared that Russians will come to save me."

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border

A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.
The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"
The Russian answers, "Boris."
The border guard asks, "Occupation?"
The Russian says, "No, just visiting."

I was having lunch with Boris, the Estonian IT guy....

He was telling me about the crazy night he had before moving to the US. He said
"I drank so much I go home with two Soviet prostitutes who live together with their fancy grey cat."
"Russian blue?"
"No but Ukrainian gave h**...!"

Old Jewish joke.

A group of Ukrainian villagers are trying to get a cow to mate with a bull.
Try as they might, the cow refused to mate with any bull at all.
The villagers take the cow to the rabbi to ask for help.
The Rabbi inspects the cow then asks the villagers, "is the cow from Kiev?"
"Yes..." replied the villagers.
"Aha," exclaimed the Rabbi "that's why she won't mate with the bull."
"How do you know this?" asked the villagers, intrigued.
"My wife's from Kiev." replied the Rabbi.

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park

They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane

The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not *that* small a plane) pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"

A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.
Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- Is it strong and durable?
- Yes
- Nobody can climb it?
- Nobody
- And nobody but moscovites inside?
- Yes
- Great! Then fill it up with s**... up to the edges

A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian Says: We Used My Fishing Rod, So I Get First 2 Wishes.
First: I Want All The Capitalists Out Of My Glorious Country.
Second: I Want A Big Wall Around Russia, Nobody Can Cross.
Then Ukrainian Has A Dialogue With The Fish
- Is The Wall Done?
- Yes
- Is It Strong And Durable?
- Yes
- Nobody Can Climb It?
- Nobody
- And Nobody But Moscovites Inside?
- Yes
- Great! Then Fill It Up With s**... Up To The Edges

Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have b**... of steel. Even women.

Putin consulted with a fortune teller

The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.
Putin asks: "Which one?
To which the fortune teller responded, Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!

A Ukrainian sailor was drilling holes in a Russian oligarch's yacht...

A police officer approaches the sailor and asks him what he is doing.

The sailor puts down the drill and says, "Oh, me? Uhhhm... as a matter of fact, I am here to bless the ship."

The police officer looks skeptical, "You're here to bless the ship?"

"Yes, that's right! I am making it very holy."

a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.
The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"

Lavrov wakes up Putin at night ...

\- Vladimir Vladimirovich, Ukrainians want to talk about surrender.
\- Harasho , finally. Get them on the phone.
\- No ... They're outside the door. We have an hour.

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."
The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour."

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."

Putin went to see his doctor

Putin went to see his most trusted advisor, who happened to be his personal physician. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" Putin said, "I am a strong Russian man. I'll take the bad news." The doctor said, "the war is going badly. It will take another year to crush the Ukrainians." Putin said, "thanks, I know it's hard to be honest with a powerful man like me. What's the good news?" The doctor said, "your cancer is back and you have only six months to live."

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.
Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"
One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.
Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.
Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.
"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.
"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are on a a plan when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down.

The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one c**... left, and quickly do the math.
The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane.
The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death.
The Ukrainian stands up, straightens his vyshyvanka, says "Slava Ukraini!" and throws the Russian out.

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.

The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a w**... of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling The president is an idiot

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say it is i**... to insult President Putin
He says You don't understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting
The police captain says you can't fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

A man goes before Saint Peter...

Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?'
'In the German r**....'
'And where did you die?'
'At home in Lvov, in the Soviet Union.'
Astonished, Saint Peter shouts 'My, you moved around a lot!'
'What are you talking about? I never left the city!'

A Ukrainian prisoner of war is being interrogated by a Russian officer.

During their conversation, the Ukrainian notices that the Officer has only one boot.
He asks, Did you lose a boot?
The Russian replies Nyet. I found a boot

My visit to Poland

I met a Polish friend of mine and told him I want to explore what Poland has to offer.
I asked about the beer culture.
We have lots of beers, ales, ciders, lagers, you name it!
Great, what would you recommend?
Anything Czech…
So instead we went out for lunch.
I want to eat something Polish!
We have dumplings, called pierogi, very popular and delicious…
Excellent, I would like to have those please.
No problem, would like Russian pierogi or Ukrainian ones?

Ukrainian joke, My visit to Poland

jokes about ukrainian