uhm Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious uhm puns

My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"


A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy.

"Hello mister, i'll be at my new girlfriends house for dinner today... you know.. become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, i'm probably gonna have some sexy time my girlfriend. You know the deal.
So is there something you could suggest me?

"Well.. i'd suggest some... condoms?

"Well.. uhm.. sounds cool.. I.. will take some"

As he is about to leave the pharmacy he stops and returns.

"Wait a second. You know... her mum... she's hot af... and maybe i could assort some.. you know.. sexy time with her as well.
You know what.. ima take some more condoms."

Later at the dinner the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.

His girlfriend says.

"If i'd known you're gonna be all silent and stuff i wouldnt have invited you to this dinner!?"

The young man then answers:

"If i'd had known your dad is a pharmacist i wouldnt even be here."


Doc: Do you want the good news first or the bad news?

Patient: uhm... The good news doc, please.

Doc: You only have 24 hours to live. I'm so sorry.

Patient: WTF? This is the good news? What could be fucking worse than this!?

Doc: I forgot to tell you yesterday.


My hairdresser asked me how I wanted my hair cut

Me : Anything that will make me look good

Hairdresser : oh uhm *awkward silence* I can try


Little Timmy walks in on his parents having sex

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad. "Mommy, what are you and daddy doing?" The parents, obvioulsy very embarassed, are trying hard to make up a harmless explanation. "Uhm... I'm a... I'm sitting on daddys tummy to make all the air go out of it... because he's a bit fat..." stutters his mother.

"There's no use in that, mom. The maid always blows the air back in when you're not there"


Snow White and the seven dwarfs go to see the pope.

Snowhite and the seven dwarfs go to see the pope. As Snow White talks to the pope, the dwarfs push Dopey in front and whisper, "Ask the question, Dopey, ask the question!" Dopey blushes, but the pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me a question?"

"Well, uhm... do you think they have *nuns* in *Iceland?*"

"Why sure", the pope goes, "I suppose there are some nuns in Iceland." But the dwarfs push Dopey in front again: "Ask the *whole* question, ask the *whole* question!" The pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me another question?"

"Yeah... do you think they have *black* nuns in Iceland?"

"I suppose there are some black nuns in iceland", answers the pope. "Ask the *whole* question, ask the *whole* question!" go the dwarfs. "Dopey, do you have another question for me?"

"Err, yes... do you think they have *little* black nuns in Iceland?"

The pope muses over this a bit, but finally decides "Nah... I really don't think they have little black nuns in Iceland."

And the dwarfs go: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"


Man at urology

Doctor: Hello, first time at our urology clinic ?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: And do you masturbate often ?

Patient: Uhm, its not bad for me now is it ?

Doctor: Well, You'll have to stop.

Patient: Why is that ?

Doctor: Because I can't check you otherwise...


The garbage men are collecting the bins when one of them notices the bin of the old Japanese guy in number 23 is missing....

So he rings the dorbell.

"Harro!" the Japanese man says as he opens the door "What is matter?"

The garbage man, short on time, cuts to the chase "Where's your bin?"

"Uhm... I bin on toiret"

"Nah man, I mean where's your dust bin?"

"I said, I dust bin on toiret!"

"Dude you're understanding me wrong. Where's your wheely bin?"

"Fiiiine" says the Japanese guy, "I wheely bin having wank!"


An inmate walks into his cell...

His cellmate asks, "would rather be the mommy or the daddy?"

"Uhm, the daddy I guess?"

"Then get over here and suck mommy's dick."


As someone with social anxiety, I must say ...

Er, uhm ... Uuuh, I'll send you a text later.


A drunk guy was walking on his way home from the bar..

Along the way, he came across a man and his dog..

Drunk Guy: "Hey there! That's a nice monkey you got with you."

Confused, the man replied, "Uhm, sir, you might have had too many drinks for the night. This is Scotty, my Labrador."

Enraged, the drunk guy replied, "I wasn't talking to you, smart ass!"


A Blind Man And His Guide Dog Walks In To A Grocery Store.

He picks up his guide dog by the tail, and starts swinging it around over his head.

One of the employees ask: "Uhm.. Can I help you sir?"

The man replies: "No, I'm just having a look around!"


Me while in prison:" how did you guys get your nicknames?"

Murder Mike: " Murder,"

Drug Doug:" Drugs."

Fucked a lamp post Larry:" Uhm.. Murder drugs..."


Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times?

You: "Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times with a fork? Her name was Reese ... uhm ..."

Friend: "Witherspoon?

You: "No, with a fork."


A man goes to apologize to his girlfriend

He buys a big bouquet of flowers, goes to her house and rings the doorbell. As his girlfriend opens the door he says:'' uhm well I'm sorry''. The girl responds:'' great, and now I suppose I have to spread my legs?!!?'' on which he says:''don't you have a vase?''



Some guy is smoking in an airport.

"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."


How baby whales were made

Baby whale: Daddy, how was I made?
Dad: You came out of my testicles.
Baby whale: Oh, uhm... thanks?
Dad: Your whalecum


A question for females

Uhm, like, where do girls put there dicks when they're not using them???


What are the most funny Uhm jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Uhm? Well, here are the best Uhm dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Uhm pick up lines to share with friends.


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