Uhm Jokes

What are some Uhm jokes?

My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy.

"Hello mister, i'll be at my new girlfriends house for dinner today... you know.. become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, i'm probably gonna have some sexy time my girlfriend. You know the deal.
So is there something you could suggest me?

"Well.. i'd suggest some... condoms?

"Well.. uhm.. sounds cool.. I.. will take some"

As he is about to leave the pharmacy he stops and returns.

"Wait a second. You know... her mum... she's hot af... and maybe i could assort some.. you know.. sexy time with her as well.
You know what.. ima take some more condoms."

Later at the dinner the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.

His girlfriend says.

"If i'd known you're gonna be all silent and stuff i wouldnt have invited you to this dinner!?"

The young man then answers:

"If i'd had known your dad is a pharmacist i wouldnt even be here."

My hairdresser asked me how I wanted my hair cut

Me : Anything that will make me look good

Hairdresser : oh uhm *awkward silence* I can try

Little Timmy walks in on his parents having sex

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad. "Mommy, what are you and daddy doing?" The parents, obvioulsy very embarassed, are trying hard to make up a harmless explanation. "Uhm... I'm a... I'm sitting on daddys tummy to make all the air go out of it... because he's a bit fat..." stutters his mother.

"There's no use in that, mom. The maid always blows the air back in when you're not there"

Snow White and the seven dwarfs go to see the pope.

Snowhite and the seven dwarfs go to see the pope. As Snow White talks to the pope, the dwarfs push Dopey in front and whisper, "Ask the question, Dopey, ask the question!" Dopey blushes, but the pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me a question?"

"Well, uhm... do you think they have *nuns* in *Iceland?*"

"Why sure", the pope goes, "I suppose there are some nuns in Iceland." But the dwarfs push Dopey in front again: "Ask the *whole* question, ask the *whole* question!" The pope sees it and says, "Dopey, do you want to ask me another question?"

"Yeah... do you think they have *black* nuns in Iceland?"

"I suppose there are some black nuns in iceland", answers the pope. "Ask the *whole* question, ask the *whole* question!" go the dwarfs. "Dopey, do you have another question for me?"

"Err, yes... do you think they have *little* black nuns in Iceland?"

The pope muses over this a bit, but finally decides "Nah... I really don't think they have little black nuns in Iceland."

And the dwarfs go: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

As someone with social anxiety, I must say ...

Er, uhm ... Uuuh, I'll send you a text later.

A Blind Man And His Guide Dog Walks In To A Grocery Store.

He picks up his guide dog by the tail, and starts swinging it around over his head.

One of the employees ask: "Uhm.. Can I help you sir?"

The man replies: "No, I'm just having a look around!"

Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times?

You: "Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times with a fork? Her name was Reese ... uhm ..."

Friend: "Witherspoon?

You: "No, with a fork."

A man goes to apologize to his girlfriend

He buys a big bouquet of flowers, goes to her house and rings the doorbell. As his girlfriend opens the door he says:'' uhm well I'm sorry''. The girl responds:'' great, and now I suppose I have to spread my legs?!!?'' on which he says:''don't you have a vase?''


Some guy is smoking in an airport.

"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."

How baby whales were made

Baby whale: Daddy, how was I made?
Dad: You came out of my testicles.
Baby whale: Oh, uhm... thanks?
Dad: Your whalecum

How to make Uhm jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Uhm to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Uhm? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Uhm pick up lines to share with friends.

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