Ridiculous Uhm Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.
I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"
Little Timmy walks in on his parents having s**...
He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad. "Mommy, what are you and daddy doing?" The parents, obvioulsy very embarassed, are trying hard to make up a harmless explanation. "Uhm... I'm a... I'm sitting on daddys tummy to make all the air go out of it... because he's a bit fat..." stutters his mother.
"There's no use in that, mom. The maid always blows the air back in when you're not there"
My hairdresser asked me how I wanted my hair cut
Me : Anything that will make me look good
Hairdresser : oh uhm *awkward silence* I can try
A nun walks into a bar
Everyone else in the bar starts staring at her, but they were silent.
The nun is confused about it and starts walking towards the bartender.
"Hey uhm why are they staring at me like that?" she asks the bartender
"Well we don't usually get nuns around here" the barkeep replies
"What? Oh s**... I'm still in costume!" the nun exclaims, "I'm actually a bus driver..."
So I got my first covid vaccine shot today
Afterwards, I ran into a friend and told him about it.
He replied: Huh, you took the vaccine shot?
Me: Uhm yes, why wouldn't I?
Him: I thought you were an anti-vaxxer?
Me: What, no. Why would you think that?
Him: Well most morons are...
As someone with social anxiety, I must say ...
Er, uhm ... Uuuh, I'll send you a text later.
A Blind Man And His Guide Dog Walks In To A Grocery Store.
He picks up his guide dog by the tail, and starts swinging it around over his head.
One of the employees ask: "Uhm.. Can I help you sir?"
The man replies: "No, I'm just having a look around!"
Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times?
You: "Did you hear about the actress that was on the news that stabbed her husband 67 times with a fork? Her name was Reese ... uhm ..."
Friend: "Witherspoon?
You: "No, with a fork."
A man goes to apologize to his girlfriend
He buys a big bouquet of flowers, goes to her house and rings the doorbell. As his girlfriend opens the door he says:'' uhm well I'm sorry''. The girl responds:'' great, and now I suppose I have to spread my legs?!!?'' on which he says:''don't you have a vase?''
Cigarretes
Some guy is smoking in an airport.
"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Why?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."
How baby whales were made
Baby whale: Daddy, how was I made?
Dad: You came out of my t**....
Baby whale: Oh, uhm... thanks?
Dad: Your whalecum
You can explore uhm yup reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean uhm heh dad jokes. There are also uhm puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A question for females
Uhm, like, where do girls put there d**... when they're not using them???
