The Best 92 Ugly Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ugly jokes. There are some ugly ugliness jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ugly momma so ugly puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Ugly Jokes and Puns

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

Cashier: Scans Condoms

Do you need a bag sir?

Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctorΒ΄s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "itΒ΄s my old aunt here."

"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Ugly joke, An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old 
lady, entered the doctorΒ΄s office.

What sex position makes an ugly baby?

Go ask your mom

My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."


Ugly Faces

One fine day in a preschool....
Child: -makes ugly faces-
Teacher: Stop it
Child: Why?
Teacher: When I was your age, my teacher told me if I make ugly faces, it'll stay that way
Child: Oh, you didn't listen did you?

How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day

Get a divorce.

Ugly joke, How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day

Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...

... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."

Using what sexual position often causes a couple to have an ugly baby?

I don't know, ask your mom.

You can explore ugly fat reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ugly homely dad jokes. There are also ugly puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I went to the store to buy condoms last night.

The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"

I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."

Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed...

Woke up with a few though.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

You know you're ugly when....

it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
(add your own)

My girlfriend was standing nude...

in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

Ugly joke, My girlfriend was standing nude...

I just bought condoms..

And when the cashier asked.. "Do you need a bag?" I just said.. No she isn't that ugly.

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

What sex position makes ugly babies?

Ask your parents


My cute younger brother's contribution.

Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.

Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

One group of people still can't get married in the US

Ugly people

Your momma is so ugly....

Bill Cosby gave her coffee.

A woman sits alone at the bar

A man is waiting for his drink and asks the lady "you must be single right?".

"What, a woman can't have a drink alone at the bar without being single?!"

"No, you're just really ugly"

A customer was buying condoms at work today.

I asked if he'd like a bag.

"No, she's not that ugly."

Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

One of everything.

A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.

He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."

He says, "I am. How did you know?"

She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."

Naked sunbathing....

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

A man lies naked on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

A guy is driving happily along in his car with

his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

A terribly ugly woman enters a store.

On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "TheyΒ΄re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just canΒ΄t believe you got laid twice."

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

Mom, am I ugly?

"I told you not to call me mom in front of people"

I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat.

I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly.

Today my wife asked, "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?"

Turns out "Yes I do" was not the right answer.

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?

Slavery is such an ugly word...

I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.

Give me a compliment.

A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

I was on the beach with my daughter.

After a while, she turned to me and said, "Dad, you look like a lobster."

"Oh no," I replied, "Am I burning?"

She said, "No. Just very ugly."

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"

Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."

Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."

"What do you say when they're ugly?"

"He looks just like his mother!"

A man goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms.

The pharmacist asks: Do you need a bag?

He answers: She isn't that ugly!

An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way

So I moved the mirror

I wish i was ugly for just one single day..

Because being ugly everyday just sucks!

Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet.

Now they call me ugly and poor.

"Honey, I think I'm ugly...."

So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:

"Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"

I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight.

I said, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "Alright. You're ugly."

Yo Mama has so many warts...

Her face spells "ugly" in Braille

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...

'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs.

A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs.

The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man replied: " Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

While buying condoms the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?"

I said, "Nah, he isn't *that* ugly."

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

Yo mama so ugly

She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheque

I have 6 eyes, 3 ears, 2 mouths, but one tooth. What am I?

Ugly.

My wife is so ugly...

she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.

My doctor called me fat.

I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said:

OK, you're ugly too.

A man went to the supermarket to buy some condoms

Cashier: Do you need a bag?

Man: Nah, she's not that ugly...

How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

A married couple has two beautiful children.

They are getting a third one but this time the child is super ugly.
So the man asks his wife: "Honey, did you cheat on me?"
The woman replies: "Not this time."

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.

Now they also call me poor.

Wish I could be ugly for just one day.

Being ugly everyday is pretty annoying.

Your momma so ugly

Governments across the world conspired to spread a pandemic to get her to wear a mask.

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.

The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"

My neighbor just walked by with two dogs.

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."

He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sister's."

I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly!"

Yo mama so ugly

Yo momma so ugly the whole world faked a virus and ruined the economy just to make her wear a mask

Your mama is so ugly...

The whole world faked a virus just to make her wear a mask.

Got an old joke from my teacher.

A nurse was walking past a mother who recently gave birth to a son.

"Congratulations, your son's pretty handsome!" the nurse said to the mother.

Mother: "Thank you. Do you always say this to all parents?"

Nurse: "No, I only say it when I really think so."

Mother: "So what do you say to the ugly ones?"

Nurse: "Oh, I just tell them: Congratulations, they look just like you!"

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

How to spot a millionaire, am I right? he winks and smiles at the bartender

No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire

Okay - so he must be extremely charming?

Larry is actually a man of very few words

Then what on earth makes him so incredibly popular with women??

I actually have no idea - every day he comes here, he just sits there quietly, drinking his beer, licking his eyebrows..

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

Your mama is so ugly

Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn't.

I bought my wife a pug recently

Despite the flat nose, ugly wrinkles and bulging eyes, the pug likes my wife

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."

"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."

If i had nickel for every time a woman thought i was ugly

They would find me atractive

Yo mamma so ugly...

The whole world faked a virus just to get a mask on her face.

I was having dinner at my boss's house.

His wife said "How many potatoes would you like?"

I said "Just one please."

She said "Oh come on, don't be so polite!"

I said "Ok. Just one, you ugly cow."

Yo mama so ugly

She entered a Miss America pageant and nearly lost her citizenship.

How I lost my Teeth

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said how about giving me your number handsome

I looked at her and asked Do you have a pen sure! She said.

So I said, Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing!

My dental surgery is this Friday!.

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity

But she so ugly people are still repelled by her

I'm not saying my wife is ugly but...

Years of chewing tobacco has discoloured her tooth

Doctors opinion

Doktor to patient you are too fat
Patient: I would like a second opinion
Doktor: you are also ugly

kind of ugly



A guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "sheesh, what an ugly kid!"


The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."


The guy, pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"


"I'm his mom..."

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk at a doctor's office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Why do you think it was taken here?

After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.

I think, explained the surgeon gently, that means your cataract operation was a success.

A man was making a robot out of whatever he could find

The head was an old toaster, the torso a series of welded wrenches and bolts, the arms and legs bits of rebar. It wasn't pretty, so he gave it an ugly name: Brek.

The thing worked fine, but it wasn't terribly balanced. The left hand was heavier than the other, so it always leaned to the left. While looking for something to balance it, he had Brek hold his cup of milk. As luck would have it, that was exactly what he needed - the robot was perfectly balanced.

Because milk is part of a balanced Brek fist.

I walked into wal-mart. I buy box of soda and ramen cups. The lady at the check-out looks at me and my purchase and goes...

"You must be single"

"Because of what im buying?"

"No, because youre ugly"

Sorry, it won't happen again!

Yo mamma is so ugly, when she brought a pig into Walmart, the manager said, "Get that pig out of here," and the pig said, "Sorry, it won't happen again!"

Looks doesnΒ΄t really matter

* Girl: The reason why youΒ΄re still single is because your standards are too high. Looks doesnΒ΄t really matter, you know.
* Boy: Wow! YouΒ΄re the first non-beautiful person that IΒ΄ve heard say that looks doesnΒ΄t matter..
* Girl: WHAT?! Are you calling ME ugly!!!
* Boy: Why so upset? You just said looks doesnΒ΄t matter..

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ugly fat ugly jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ugly fat ugly people piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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