Ugliest Jokes
69 ugliest jokes and hilarious ugliest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ugliest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ugliest Short Jokes
Short ugliest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ugliest humour may include short worst jokes also.
- I entered my chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! My dog came in third.
- My biology teacher asked me what was the ugliest vegetable IMO. Apparently, Stephen Hawking was the wrong answer.
- I tried to enter the "the ugliest face" contest The judges told me, "sorry, no professionals".
- A man once called a pier the ugliest eyesore he'd ever seen, but was then never seen again. I guess you could say he diss-a-pier-ed.
- Three of the ugliest people in town were found beaten and lying in the gutter... Police don't have any leads yet, but they think it was a facially motivated crime
- Did you hear about the the world's ugliest gift card? Apparently it still has some redeeming features.
- I had the most terrible ugliest accident recently. But I'm all better now, we gave him up for adoption.
- A person goes to enter the ugliest people competition The judge says: "Sorry, no pro's allowed"
- Don't you hate it when you're in bed with 3 girls and the ugliest one says, "Save it for me."
- Last night on stage at the s**... club ... ...was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"
"My glasses" I said
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Ugliest One Liners
Which ugliest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ugliest? I can suggest the ones about hideous and meanest.
- What's the ugliest shape? An eyesoresceles triangle.
- My friend takes bets on who's the ugliest person in a crowd. He's a FaceBookie.
- No wonder Satan hates humanity... We draw him as the ugliest goat alive
- What's the ugliest tree in the world? Yew
- Do you know the ugliest girl See ya
- Magic Mirror Mirror Mirror in my hand, show me the ugliest person in the land.
- What s**... position creates the ugliest children? Ask your parents.
- Which s**... position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
- What s**... position makes the ugliest babies? Ask your mom.
- Which s**... position produces the ugliest kids? Ask your parents.
- what s**... position produces the ugliest babies? ask your mother
- What s**... position gives birth to the ugliest children? Ask your parents.
- What s**... position produces the ugliest baby? I don't know, ask your parents.
- What s**... position creates the ugliest kids? I dunno, ask your mom.
- Which s**... position produces the ugliest babies? Ask your mom
Amusing & Witty Ugliest Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about ugliest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean absolute worst jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ugliest pranks.
A man and his wife have four beautiful daughters
They decide they want one more child. Sure enough, nine months later they have a fifth. Overjoyed when he can finally see it, the man looks at it in the nursery of the hospital, and it is the ugliest child he has ever seen in his life. He talks to his wife and says, "There is no way that child is mine! We have four beautiful daughters! Have you been cheating on me?"
She says "Not this time, honey."
A woman gets on a bus...
with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
A lady and her baby...
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.
As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"
A woman and her baby get on a bus...
and the bus driver looks over and says, "Good God! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman is fuming as she takes her seat next to a man. She looks over and says, "That bus driver just insulted me!"
The man replies, "Then you go let him have it! Go on! I'll hold your monkey."
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar, and asks:
-who owns the big dobermann outside.
-I own that dog, the meanest and ugliest of the bikers say.
-I am truly sorry, but it appears that my little Chihuahua has killed it.
-"What? How is that possible?" The biker says.
-Well, your dog got mine stuck in its t**....
This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...
A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on! You go and sort him out and I will hold your monkey for you!"
What s**... position guarantees the ugliest baby?
Go ask your mother
I love the English cricket team....
The thinnest guy is called broad, ugliest guy is called swann, slowest fielder is trott, guy who is 'behind' the stumps is called prior, and guy whose father's name is john is called peter-son. And the guy who is named Monty goes in with his clothes on.
No doubt, this Cricket team deserves to be led by a Cook.
A woman boarded a bus carrying her baby.
"Ugh," said the bus driver. "That is the *ugliest* baby I have ever seen." Furious, the woman stormed down the aisle and took a seat.
"What's wrong, lady?" Asked the man next to her.
"That driver just insulted me!"
"Well you go up there and you tell him off! Here - I'll hold your monkey."
Ugliest baby that I've ever seen
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby in Glasgow.
The bus driver turns to her and says Oi! That there's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing a baby like that out in public. It's disgusting! She rushes to the back of the bus in tears, and a gentleman leans over to her and asks Lassie, why're you crying?
She says Well that bus driver up there just said the most horrible thing to me that anyone's ever said before.
In shock the gentleman exclaims Well you can't just let him get away with that! You've got to get up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.
Insulted on the Bus
A woman gets on the bus, and as she is paying for her ticket, the bus driver tells her, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Maddened, she walks away. She tells the man that she sits down next to, "Wow, I was just insulted by the bus driver!" The man said, "You shouldn't have to deal with that! Go give him a piece of your mind. I'll hold your monkey."
A women enters a bus carrying her baby
As she passes the driver, he remarks, "that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
The woman is understandably angry but sits down anyway near the back of the bus. As she sits there, fuming, a man sitting next to her notices and asks, "what's wrong?"
"The bus driver was very insulting to me. I feel very disrespected. He should be fired for such behavior!"
The man says, "I agree. He shouldn't be allowed to talk that way. you should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind. Here, I'll hold the monkey."
A man is shopping one day and see's the ugliest, fattest woman he's ever seen with her 2 boys
The woman notices him looking over at them and asks if there's something he's looking for.
"no, just noticed you with your twin boys. Not often you see twins" he replies
"oh, they're not twins but they do look similar" she remarks and notices the mans puzzled expression. "Is there something wrong that they're not twins?"
"No, I'm just more surprised someone actually had s**... with you more than once."
A woman carrying a duck gets on a bus....
When she takes her seat, a drunk man next to her exclaims, "That's the ugliest pig I've ever seen!"
The woman replied, indignantly, "That shows what you know. This is a duck."
The drunk says, "I know, I was talking to the duck."
A man is walking through the forest when he discovers a gnome
If you step on a purple mushroom, you'll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world, warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn't step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: We have to get married.
Why? asked the man, smiling.
I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters...
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby
As she's paying for her ticket the bus driver says that's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!
The woman goes to the back of the bus, furious, she says to the man sitting next to her the bus driver just insulted me! , the man says go give him a piece of your mind then! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you!
There once was a man who looked especially ugly
Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.
Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?
I don't want first place.
A drunk man runs into a woman with the ugliest kid in the world
The drunk man said: Ma'am, you daughter is incredibly ugly
The woman replies: I know sir, but she is beautiful in the inside
The drunk man confused: Then why haven't you peeled her?
A Muslim s**... bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.
He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The s**... bomber is crestfallen.
"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virgins?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Here is a joke I heard from watching Jake and Amir.
A woman is boarding a bus with her newborn baby in her hand. The bus driver takes one look at the baby and says" ma'am that is the ugliest baby that I have laid my eyes on"
The woman appalled at the statement as she should be sits next to a man
The man says that the lady should not have to take that c**... from anyone so he says
" ma'am you go ahead and tell the driver off, here I'll hold your monkey" .
What s**... position makes the ugliest child
Ask your mom
The ugliest baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, Ugh! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, The driver just insulted me!
The man says, You go and give him a telling off. I'll hold your monkey for you.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby....
The driver says, Ugh- that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!
Furious, the woman walks to the back of the bus, sits down and says to the man on her left:
Did you hear what the driver said?! He insulted me!
The man: You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I'll hold your monkey for you .
A woman gets on a bus with her baby...
The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A lady walks onto the bus with her baby.
The bus driver says "ew! thats the ugliest baby i've ever seen!" lady starts to cry and heads to the back. the man sitting near her asks "whats wrong?" lady says, "the bus driver just insulted me". Man says, "what!? you go up there and tell him off! here, ill hold your monkey!"
Five Hundred Bucks
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't h**..., I'm homesick."
Face only a mother could love
A lady walks into a restaurant with her child. The waiter, showing her to her seat, says "Ma'am, that has got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Upset and shaken, the woman turns to the group at the table beside her and asks what they would do after being so insulted. The gentleman speaks up and says "You should speak with the owner right away! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Not the best joke, but it's not one I've seen here before.
A woman gets on a bus carrying her baby. The driver says 'Oh my, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen' The woman goes to her seat with an angry rage building. The man sat next her asks 'What's the matter?' To which the woman says the driver was so rude to her she might lose it...
'That's outrageous' says the man 'You should go and tell him off for whatever he said. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you whilst you do'
A woman boards a bus with her baby.
The bus driver looks at her baby and exclaims, "Yikes! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman, now obviously upset, walks to the back of the bus and finds a seat next to another man. She says, "I'm upset, the driver just insulted me!"
The man responds, "You shouldn't let anyone insult you. Go up there and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey for you until you're back."
