Comical & Quirky Ugh Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: p**..., 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Husband doing crossword with wife..
Husband : emphatic no, five letters
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
W : Up
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
t**... holding dad at gunpoint-
t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
What's an example of a palindrome?
Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?
Dad: Mom.
Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?
Mom: Dad.
Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME
BOSS: What's going on here?
BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license.
.
The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it."
"Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
So I was doing crossword with my girlfriend,
Me: Emphatic no, five letters.
She: **Never**
Me: p**..., 3 letters.
She: **Gun**
Me: Disgust, 3 letters.
She: **Ugh**
Me: Charity, 4 letters.
She: **Give**
Me: Female sheep, 3 letters
She: **Ewe**
Me: Pixar movie, 2 letters
She: **Up**
Ugliest baby that I've ever seen
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a r**... thermometer
"Ugh, some a**...'s got my pen!"
You can explore ugh jeez reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ugh yeah dad jokes. There are also ugh puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.
**Husband:** Emphatic no; five letters.
**Wife:** Never.
**H:** p**...; three letters.
**W:** Gun.
**H:** Disgust; three letters.
**W:** Ugh.
**H:** Charity; four letters.
**W:** Give.
**H:** Female sheep; three letters.
**W:** Ewe.
**H:** Pixar movie; two letters.
**W:** Up.
UGH I was just forced to watch a s**... commercial about something called a Snuggie...
I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "Ugh, U2 again?"
Ugh, I hate millenials...
Walking around here like they rent the place.
Ugh, don't you just hate matryoshkas?
They're so full of themselves.
Ugh. Sausage puns.
They're the wurst.
The Argument
A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"
Ugh, these new pants feel like a cheaply made castle.
No ballroom.
What did the praying mantis say after impregnating his wife?
Ugh she's going to kill me
A woman boarded a bus carrying her baby.
"Ugh," said the bus driver. "That is the *ugliest* baby I have ever seen." Furious, the woman stormed down the aisle and took a seat.
"What's wrong, lady?" Asked the man next to her.
"That driver just insulted me!"
"Well you go up there and you tell him off! Here - I'll hold your monkey."
A woman is looking at herself in the mirror
"Ugh I look so old! My skin is sagging, my hair is turning gray, I've got crows feet..."
Her husband says, "well, at least your eyesight is intact."
I have ocd so whenever someone say "tho"
I always respond with "ugh"
Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...
...so it would cut itself.
Today I saw two fetuses making out
Ugh, get a w**....
Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree
They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby....
The driver says, Ugh- that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!
Furious, the woman walks to the back of the bus, sits down and says to the man on her left:
Did you hear what the driver said?! He insulted me!
The man: You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I'll hold your monkey for you .
I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first? Says the doctor
Patient: Ugh... the bad first.. go.
Doctor: OK you have terminal cancer and you'll probably die in a week
Patient: Oh d**... w**..., what's the GOOD NEWS??
Doctor: Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she's interested on me
What does IDK mean?
My Dad: What does IDK mean?
Me: I don't know.
My Dad: Ugh! Nobody does!
After telling my teenage daughter she has to be home by eleven
Daughter: Why are you so mean!
Me: Well, I consider myself to be above average.
Daughter: What's that mean?
Me: I suppose I could assign each letter a value and then add them up and give you the mean.
Daughter: Are you crazy?
Me: No, that's how you calculate the mean.
Daughter: I don't know what that means.
Me: I don't know yet either, I have to calculate it.
Daughter: Ugh, why do you have to be like this. I'll be home at eleven.
Game, set, match, Dad wins.
Hey guys ,wanna hear a joke about a broken pencil?
Ugh never mind that , it's pointless.
Dog p**...
Two men are walking on the sidewalk until one of them stops.
"Hey, what's that brown thing on the ground?" he asks his friend.
The second man looks closer to the sidewalk. "Huh, looks like dog p**...," he says.
"Are you sure?"
"Hold on." The man leans down and smells the item. "Ugh, it smells like dog p**...."
"Yeah, but are you positive?"
"Hold on." The man picks up the item and licks it. "Augh! It tastes like dog p**...!" He immediately drops it.
"Okay, so it's dog p**...," the first man says. "Good thing we saw it."
"I know," said his friend. "We could have stepped in that."
There *is* a difference between doughnuts and donuts
**Ugh!**
Against Us
Woman : Ugh my boyfriends family is so against us dating.
Friend : Who are they to stop you.
Woman : His wife and kids.
The ugliest baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, Ugh! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, The driver just insulted me!
The man says, You go and give him a telling off. I'll hold your monkey for you.
Did you hear the one about the pizza?
Ugh, nevermind. It's too cheesy.
"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"
"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."
"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, s**...! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"
"That ain't my dog."
Annoying husband
Wife: Ugh, you only hear what you want to hear!
Husband: Sure, I'd love a beer!
Aboard a train a man turns to a woman and asks "would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
...She thinks about it and decides that she would. "Would you do it for $10?" he asks. "Ugh, no!" she replies. "What do you take me for?"--"I Thought we already established that and now we are haggling for the price."
"The strengths I bring to this job? Excellent numeracy, a perfect memory,
and a fourth one... ugh, what was it?"
The Prime Minister was not happy about being woken up
What did the Prime Minister say when he was awoken early to news of an urgent matter that required his immediate attention?
Ugh. I'm the PM, not the AM.
What did the passive aggressive raven say to Edgar Allen Poe?
"...ugh nevermind"
What does the band Pearl Jam say when they're discouraged?
Ugh, we're not getting Eddy Vetter!
Wanna hear a joke about procrastination
ugh i'll tell you later
Ugh... I *really* hate the jokes in here about German Sausages.
They're the WURST.
The British definitely put the "ugh"
...in draft beer.
I'm talking to my daughter, sister in law and my dad just now. SIL: Have you ever had a pedicure? Daughter: oh yeah I have. Me: I've given her a pedicure before.
Dad: so I guess you could call yourself a... pediphile.
*Ugh* thanks dad.
And yes this actually just happened.
Ugh I've never been good with sports...
Like today, I ran a bath and came second.
