U Of M Jokes
98 u of m jokes and hilarious u of m puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about u of m that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest U Of M Short Jokes
Short u of m jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The u of m humour may include short university jokes also.
- I asked my wife, How do you spell invulnerable? She said, I-N-V-U..
I said, Everyone does, because I'm awesome! - I'm no racist, except when it comes to people who like the 21st letter of the alphabet U-people make me sick
- It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M- A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true. - Jesus at Last Supper *breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*...
Judas: I'm gonna stop u right there - Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z Groom: Why did you say that?
Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife' - My father asked for the Wi-Fi password... It's taped under the modem, I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M? - I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U. It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.
- Why did the spider never go to school Because she learnt everything on the web.
b^a^d^a^b^u^m - I'm hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. My name begins with c , ends in t , and there's a u and n in between them. What am i? A coconut.
- The zookeeper said he'd tell me where the bathroom is located if I can say the alphabet. "A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z"
He asks: "where's the D?"
"It's out for Harambe"
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U Of M One Liners
Which u of m one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with u of m? I can suggest the ones about univ and university of florida.
- What did T say to reassure V? "Don't worry. I'm right behind U."
- Let me be the Stud in your life. I already have the STD, all I'm missing is u.
- I'm Friends With 24 Letters Of The Alphabet.. I Don't Know U And I Don't Know Y.
- What do people say when Elon Musk says ,"I'm going to the gym."? Musk-u-liar
- The Best US president's name starts with T-R-U-M It's obviously Harry S Truman
- What did the DNA say to the mRNA? "I'm better without U."
- Knock Knock "Whose there?"
"manu"
"manu who?"
"Man U keep forgetting I'm you friend" - What did the lady write at the bottom of her flour barrel? O I C U R M T
- I finished my coffee and noticed 6 letters written on the bottom of the mug. I C U R M T
- How do you break up with a tree Leaf me alone, I'm stick of u
- Canadian Alphabet EH B C D E EHF G EH I JEH K L M N O P Q R SORRY T U V W X Y-EH Z
- I could have been a stud... But I'm only STD without U
- U C M ducks? M R not ducks.
O S A R. C D E D B D wings?
Whale oil beef hooked - Looking for a stud? I already got std and all I'm missing is u
- No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see That I'm a dyslexic P-U-M-P
Comical & Quirky U Of M Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about u of m you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean man u jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make u of m pranks.
One day at school, little Jimmy needed to go to the restroom so he raised his hand.
The strict substitute teacher asked him to say the full alphabet before she would let him go. "But Miss, I am bursting to go," said Jimmy. "You may go, but after you say the full alphabet." "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z," he said. Catching his mistake, the substitute asked, "Jimmy, where is the 'P?'" He answered, "Halfway down my legs, Miss."
A boy asked his teacher"Can I go to the tolilet please miss?" but the teacher said "No, we're doing the alphabet" 5 Minutes later he asked again and the teacher says "no, it's your turn to do the alphabet." So he goes " A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z". Then the teacher askes "where's your P?" He replies with "It's halfway down my leg miss"
Boy while kissing his girlfriend: "Thank u baby.
.. For give me your chewing gum.."
Girl says, "This is not chewing gum my love. I’m suffering from cough!"
All my friends, we was ready for the second riot.
No, not like the first one, where we were just grabbing stuff at random it wouldn't be like that.
I've got a thousand boxes of Pampers; I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
No, no, this time we had a list.
We were going to get the stuff we need.
Everybody on my block has bought a U-Haul..
This guy went to school and he asked
"May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's."
The guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
The teacher asked "Where's the p?
He replied, " running down my leg!"
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You cant spell menu without me n u
I'm gonna lose all my karma.
Camping!
John and his girlfriend were going to go camping for the week. On his way out of the the door, John's little brother yelled, "wait for me!" John told his brother to go back inside, but his girlfriend insisted on taking him. John turned to his brother and said, "OK, but we get top bunk when we get to the cabin." His little brother agreed and they left for the campground.
When night came John, his girlfriend and his little brother went to bed. While in bed John turned to his girlfriend and said, "I'm in the mood, do u want to do it?" his girlfriend replied "your little brother is right under us, he will hear us!" John than tells her "I have an idea, when you want me to go faster, say lettuce. And when you want me to go slower, say tomato." She agreed and started doing the dirty deed. All night night John's little brother kept hearing "lettuce, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, tomato, lettuce, lettuce!" After an hour John;s brother jumps up and screams "GUYS STOP MAKING SANDWICHES, YOU'RE GETTING MAYONNAISE ALL OVER ME!"
Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season
* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself away from you.
* My heart burns like a mole of suns for you.
* If I could rearrange the periodic table, I'd put U and I together.
* Who needs Hydrogen if you're my #1?.
* I can feel a bond forming between us.
Any others would be appreciated
Another meeting of the letters.
All the letters: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, and z were having a meeting when they realized a letter was missing. X says, "Is somebody missing?"
D replies, "Must be an absentee."
I've been teaching myself giutar
I still get the U and I mixed up sometimes but I'm getting pretty good..
I'm not saying you're old, but....
Ok guys I need some ammo for my ongoing age war with my business partner. So, I need your help. Here's a few I've used to get you started.
I'm not saying you're old, but I did hear that Moses owes u $20.
You know it's bad when dirt sees you and says, "now that's old!!"
What was it like to meet Lincoln?
(I thought about changing that to "shoot Lincoln," but I don't wanna start any new conspiracy theories)
"Where'd your 'P' go?"
So a preschooler was learning about the alphabet and all of its mysteriousness. So, teacher told the little gentleman to recite the letters of the alphabet. The boy begins to say the letters A, B, C, but abruptly stops. The teacher asks why he stopped, so the boy replies, "I have to go the bathroom". As her response she tells him he can go 'wee-wee' once he's finished reciting the alphabet. So, again, the boy starts to sing his abc's.
"A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z"
The teacher responds, "Very good! But where'd your "P" go?"
*(dramatic line skip)*
The young boy blushes profusely and quietly whispers, "Down my left leg."
Little Billy and Sarah are two finalists at the spelling bee...
Sarah is up first.
Prompter: Sarah, your word is dumb. Please spell it and use it in a sentence.
Sarah: D-U-M-B dumb. Billy is dumb.
Prompter: Good, now spell s**...
Sarah: S-T-U-P-I-D s**.... Billy is s**....
Prompter: Correct, now Billy, spell dictate
Billy: D-I-C-T-A-T-E dictate. Sarah might say I'm dumb and s**..., but she also say my dic-tate good.
First timer
Son comes back home at night
Dad is waiting for him and asks:
- where have u been so late!!??
- dad I just lost my virginity!
- ohh...I'm so proud of you... have a cigar, whiskey, sit down and tell me everything
- ok I'll take a cigar and whiskey but I won't sit down.
A boy was m**... in his room one day and his dad comes in
"Son, stop m**... or u will go blind."
"Dad, i'm over here."
Are you made of Fluorine, Astatine, Arsenic, and Sulfer?
Because you're a F At As S :D
And if you dont get the joke, you must be made of Deuterium, Uranium, Muriaticum, and Boron... cause You're D U M B!
What i'm trying to say is study your periodic table...
Maybe you will find out two elements arent on the periodic table ;)
A young boy asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom...
Teacher: If you can tell me your ABCs, then you may.
Boy: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, and z.
Teacher: Very good, but where is the P?
Boy: Running down my legs
^old^kindergarten^joke
A third grade teacher addresses her class
..."alright class" she says, "before I let you go for spring break I want to remind you that I'm getting married this weekend and I'm no longer going to be Ms. Stevens I'm going to be Mrs. Prussy"
She writes M R S. P R U S S Y in big cursive letters on the blackboard and says "whomever remembers my new name when we come back from break gets a gold star for the day"
The ten days comes and goes and she's standing in front of her class early Monday morning and says"good morning class, I hope you all remembered that I got married over the break and my name isn't Ms. Stevens any more it's Mrs" And she writes M R S on the blackboard, turns around to a sea of blank faces.
Then one hand shoots up in the back
"oh! oh! Mrs. Crunt"
Yo mumma so fat...
Yo mumma so fat that she needs two wristwatches, one on each hand because she's in two timezones.
NOTE: I'm Australian so I spell the word mum with an 'u'
Driving a brand new Bugatti
A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...
Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"
if u switch the m&e at the end of memes
it spells meems which has the same pronunciation
Isis and the Christian man
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
Nerdy pickup line.
Hey baby, Are you uranium because I'm Iodine and if it was up to me I would rearrange the periodic table around and put U and I together. ;)
A student asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom
"You can go to the bathroom after you recite the alphabet," replies the teacher.
The student recites the alphabet: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z"
"Where's the 'P'"? asks the teacher.
"Dripping down my leg."
A kid asks to go to the bathroom...
A kid asks to go to the bathroom in school, the teacher says "Okay, but you have to say your ABC's first!"
So he quickly says "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z".
She says "Very good, but wheres the P?"
And he replies "Running down my leg...."
Mom I'm dark even though u r white, why?
American boy: Mom I'm dark even though u r white, why?
Mom: Listen son, Considering all mistakes n crazy things i had done in my youth, forget about you are Dark, just thank god that u don't bark!
What happens when the PS and XBOX servers go down?
The ambulance comes lights and sirens, "WII-U WII-U WII-U"
I'm sorry, I'll leave now ._.
"You need a shorter password."
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
It's taped under the modem,
I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?
What letters did not receive presents from Santa this year?
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y and Z.
They've always been Not T.
Driving test...
Friend: I just gave my driving test.
I: Did u pass it?
Friend: I don't know... I'm waiting for the instructor to return from the trauma center.
I'm eating that p*ssy
Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"
What did the one U-Boot officer say to the other U-Boot officer?
'Are you sinking what I'm sinking?'
Johnny was in school, and asked to go to the bathroom.
His teacher replied, "Not before you recite the alphabet correctly".
Johnny pleaded, "But I have to go really bad!", but his teacher was unrelenting.
Johnny said, "A B C D E F G, H I J K L M N O, Q R S T U V W X Y and Z"
The teacher stated, "What about the P?"
Johnny said, "It's running down my leg".
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Wheres the P?
Running down my leg ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Young Dave just learnt the alphabets
He had an amplified stage fear, he was too afraid to even talk to more than 10 people at a time
The teacher says "Dave, write all the alphabets on the board"
Dave nervously replies" no ma'am, I don't think I know them all"
Teacher says" come here and give it a try!'
Dave complies and writes on the black board
"A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z"
The teacher notices the mistake and asks" Where is the P Dave? "
"Running down my leg"
Professionalism
Fully n**... Lady gets into taxi, Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..
Lady asks, "Haven't u ever seen a n**... woman before?"
Driver: It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
What happens when Harry Potter is put in a blender?
ex-p-p-p-e-l-i-a-r-m-m-m-m-u-s-s-s-s-s-s--s-s-s-s-s
A man calls the IRS office
"Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."
"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"
"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."
I only started space exploration this week and already I've colonized Venus and Mars
V:e:n:u:s:a:n:d:M:a:r:s
A List of Forts.
A Fort.
B Fort.
C Fort.
D Fort.
E Fort.
G Fort.
H Fort.
I Fort.
J Fort.
K Fort.
L Fort.
M Fort.
N Fort.
O Fort.
P Fort.
Q Fort.
R Fort.
S Fort.
T Fort.
U Fort.
V Fort.
W Fort.
X Fort.
Y Fort.
Z Fort.
I didn't put any F Fort into this joke.
Dad comes home from a long day at work
He goes to his child who is singing and dancing around the house
Dad: hey baby, why you so happy?
Child: nothing I was thinking about today
Dad: what happened today?
Child: i think mom was about to go to heaven
Dad: wait.... she was what? What you u mean?
Child: well I was sitting in my room and I could hear mum screaming oh my god, I'm coming, I'm coming so I ran to her room to help her but luckily the postman was already on top of her holding her down.
an atom talks to another one
Atom one: I lost an electron.
Atom 2: Are u sure?
Atom one: I'm positive.
Dear Ouji board, is this house haunted?
Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E.
Me: d**..., this is a Luigi board
A boy had a speech impediment and is unable to articulate anything more than the letters of the alphabet.
He opens his wallet, only to sadly exclaim:
O I C U R M T
The things kids say....
I work in a middle school and I was talking to a 6th grader today. He was bummed because he's so short:
He says: I should go back to kindergarten with kids my own size.
Me: Well maybe you should try 1st grade because you already know the alphabet, right?
He didn't skip a beat and responded: I'm so American, the only letters I know are U, S and A!
It was hilarious.!! Thank you children for making us laugh.
Whats so funny on that?
A man sits at his doctor's office after getting a check up and getting bad news:
Doctor: "I'm very sorry but you will die very soon"
Man: "Oh no! How long do i have?"
Doctor: "Very soon, i guess in 3 to 6 minutes"
Man: "Oh God! Is there nothing u can do for me?"
Doctor: "Well..., I could boil you an egg..."
This is an Australian Joke so I'm going to post it in their native language
˙,,¡ǝuo punoɟ I 'ǝʇɐɯ ɥɐN,, 'sǝᴉldǝɹ ʎnƃ ǝɥʇ ,,¿ƃuoɥʇ ɐ ǝsol noʎ pᴉp ¿ǝʇɐɯ pǝuǝddɐɥ ʇɐɥM,, ɯᴉɥ sʞsɐ uoɹʇɐd ǝuO ˙(dolɟ dᴉlɟ) ƃuoɥʇ ǝuo ƃuᴉɹɐǝʍ ʇɥƃᴉu ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ ɹɐq ǝɥʇ oʇuᴉ sʞlɐʍ ǝᴉssn∀ u∀
A drunk orders a shot of Wild Turkey....
Sorry sir, we don't have Wild Turkey only a House bourbon? What can I get you?
I'll have a shot of Wild Turkey
I'm so sorry sir, we just ran out, how about a Jack Daniels
I'll have a shot of Wild Turkey
Okay sir, if you can spell Wild Turkey, I'll get you a shot
W-I-L-D T-U-R-K-E-Y, Wild Turkey
Sir you forgot the F
There's no F in Wild Turkey
That's what I've been trying to tell you,
Happy Holidays
Happy Holidays and a Joyous A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z to everyone.
Kevin Bridges bus stop joke
I am a bus stop, ready on a bus, whilst a pleasant madman confirmed up.
He changed into throughout the road. He shouted “Hoi u, Hoi u,…, Ai u ”.
Now whilst u are at a bus stop, at midnight, and a person instigates a communication with
“Hoi u, Hoi u,…, Ai u ”,…, you type a,…,s**... yourself!
You try to preserve your head down. Then the fellow shouts: “Oi fats boy!”.
I’m status there, searching at the two different human beings on the bus stop. I’m looking to discern out their BMI!
But beside me had been those 2 thin pensioner types.
I wager this one’s for me!
And the fellow said: “Fat boy. Give me a quid,…,or you’re getting stabbed!”
And I thought,…,a quid ? That is,…,pretty reasonable! Panic over!
I mean, I’ve by no means been stabbed, however I can believe it being really inconvenient.
You’d be blanketed in blood, need to visit the hospital, and be b**... and emotionally traumatized.
And here,…,we’ve were given a gentleman,…,providing me the threat to skip this sort of horrendous ordeal,…,
In this contemporary economic climate,…, for a trifling pound!
Now I’m a s**... for a bargain!
A man goes to the doctor as he has a problem speaking.
He says, Doctor, I'm having a problem where I can't speak this specific letter. It's getting really irritating!
The doctor, using his quick thinking, says, Alright, repeat all the letters in the alphabet for me.
The man rattles of the first twenty, but then clams up, face full of frustration and resignation.
Ah, the doctor says. It seems like it's a u problem.
So um... where do astronauts get drunk?
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0
Q W E R T Y U I O P
A S D F G H J K L
Z X C V B N M
[ HERE! ]
Sorry...
Teacher: sing the alphabet
Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.
Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?
Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.
Forth annual Hicksville spelling b
Down to the last 3 contestants....
The last word is before;
Judge; contestant #1 the word is before
C1: Before b e f o u r befour
Judge: I'm sorry but that is incorrect!
Contestant #2, the word is before
C2: before b e f o r. Before.
Judge: I'm sorry but that is incorrect!
Contestant #3, same word, before.
C3: before b e f o r e BEFORE
JUDGE: That is correct! Now can you use it in a sentence?
C3: yes, 2 + 2 before
A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom
Teacher: sing the ABC's, then I'll let you go
Kindergartner: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Teacher: Where's the P?
Kindergartner: It's running down my pants!
A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness
His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.
The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"
"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no, no that's not right...Tell you what, I'll just drag him over to Oak Street and you can pick him up there."
One day in class, little Johnny asked to go to the bathroom.
The teacher said, First recite your ABCs.
So Johnny said, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
The teacher asked, Where's your P?
And Johnny replied, Halfway down my pants.
