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Two Sentence Jokes

73 two sentence jokes and hilarious two sentence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two sentence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Two Sentence Short Jokes

Short two sentence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two sentence humour may include short one sentence jokes also.

  1. What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
  2. My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison That was two years ago, but he still hasn't finished his sentence
  3. Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
  4. There's two ways to frustrate a person The first is not finishing a sentence
    The second is
  5. How to describe mitt romney in two sentences. I stand by what I said, whatever it is that I said.
    I deny saying that, whatever it is that I said.
  6. I heard r kelly is appealing his 30 year sentence. Said he is gonna try to swap it for two 15's
  7. Two synonymous sentences could have absolutely different meanings. 1. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
    2.Sorry daddy, I've been naughty.
  8. I dreamt I was being chased by a bizarre sentence with two poorly distinguished clauses. So I made a mad dash for it.
  9. I was just sentenced to Prison for my part in a timeshare fraud. I have to go to prison for two weeks every year for 20 years.
  10. Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because they'll finish each other's sentences.

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Two Sentence One Liners

Which two sentence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two sentence? I can suggest the ones about two word and two line.

  1. Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence
  2. Why did Obama get two terms as President? Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
  3. Two ways of driving someone crazy; One is stopping in mid-sentence and
  4. One sentence horror story: "Seems like we're the last two people left on Earth, m'lady"
  5. Accidentaly switching two letters... ...can completely urin a sentence.
  6. What did the semicolon get after breaking the grammar law Two consecutive sentences
  7. There are two types of speakers in this world People who finish their sentences.
  8. Why is ths sentence blnd? Because it's missing two i's
  9. A teacher once asked me to give him a sentence with two prepositions. I said 'Who, me?'
  10. Two topics which should never be in the same sentence "Zika"
    "Can I get a little head"

Two Sentence Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about two sentence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean short paragraph jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two sentence pranks.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

Contagious

Little Jimmy was in school the next day and his teacher told the class they were going to focus on a new word for the day: "Contagious".
The teacher gave the class ten minutes to come up with a sentence containing the word of the day. When time was up, she asked them each to come up and read out their sentence.
Little Jenny said: "Last year I had the chicken pox, I couldn't play with my friends because it was very contagious".
Well done Jenny" said the teacher, "Very good".
Little Brian got up and said: "My brother Liam had nits in his hair, he couldn't go to school as it was so contagious!"
"That's perfect Brian" says the teacher.
Up steps Little Jimmy and says "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush. My dad says its gonna take the contagious

I bet you that if I give you a bunch of letters you can't make two sentences out of all of them.

Use all the letters to make two sentences.
Here are the letters: OEEEWNNSSTTC
The answer: [TWO SENTENCES](/Spoiler)

An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia..

...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.
The sheik steps forward and announces:
"Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."
The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward.
"First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20."
The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back."

The Nun and her Abbess

A Nun was living in an abbey and had taken a vow of silence. After living there for a year the Abbess calls her to her office and says.
"You have been silent for one year now. I lift your vow so that you may speak one sentence."
the Nun thinks for a moment and says.
"My floor is too cold"
The Abbess nods and thanks the Nun letting her get back to her duties. Another year goes by and again the Abbess summons the Nun to her office.
"You have lived, and worked among us for two years now. I lift your vow of silence so that you may speak two sentences."
again the Nun thinks, then says.
"My floor is too cold. I don't like the soup."
Once more the Abbess thanks the Nun and ushers her out of the office. once again another year rolls around and for the third time the Abbess summons the Nun into her office.
"You have lived, worked, and prayed, among us for three years now. I lift your vow of silence so that you may speak three sentences."
The Nun thinks really hard for a few moments, then says.
"My floor is too cold. I don't like the soup. and, the halls are too dusty."
The Abbess takes a hard look at the Nun and says.
"That is it. I have had enough. You must leave this place tonight. three years here and all you have ever done is complain."

s**...' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words s**...' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical s**... with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love s**....

Two girls are setting up their new dorm room together.

One is from Georgia and the other is from Connecticut. The one from Connecticut has her mom there helping her put up some blinds. The one from Georgia asks, "Hey! Where y'all from?" The other girl replies, "We're from a place where we know not to end our sentences with prepositions." So the girl from Georgia says,
"Oh, I'm sorry. Where y'all from...c**...?"

3 new inmates discussing their sentences

first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for m**..."
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
"20-life"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and r**..."
"what did you get?"
"10-15"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning i**... immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"

Three men were stranted in the middle of the ocean on a raft...

When all of a sudden they catch sight of an island that had smoke rising from it. Overjoyed, they paddle the whole way there only to find themselves surrounded by intimidating natives with spears.
The chieftain walked up to them and said, "You have two choices. The first is that we kill you. The second is that we set you free after we give you a boomshakalaka."
The first man decided on the boomshakalaka. The burliest man out of them all stepped up, bent him over and r**... him savagely for 5 minutes but after he was done, they set him free and he ran off.
The second man also wanted to live so he decided to take the boomshakalaka as well. After 5 minutes he too was set free.
Having seen his two friends get r**..., the third man decided that he would just get killed
So the chieftain stepped up and said "Ok. I sentence you to death... by boomshakalaka.

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."
Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"
Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."

Little Billy and Sarah are two finalists at the spelling bee...

Sarah is up first.
Prompter: Sarah, your word is dumb. Please spell it and use it in a sentence.
Sarah: D-U-M-B dumb. Billy is dumb.
Prompter: Good, now spell s**...
Sarah: S-T-U-P-I-D s**.... Billy is s**....
Prompter: Correct, now Billy, spell dictate
Billy: D-I-C-T-A-T-E dictate. Sarah might say I'm dumb and s**..., but she also say my dic-tate good.

An italian, a scot, and a chinese man start their first day working at a construction site...

...so, for their first task, their boss shows them this enormous pile of sand, and tells them they need to move it from point A to point B in two hours.
"You," says the boss, pointing to the italian, "will shovel the sand."
"You," he says to the scot, "will sweep after him."
"and you," he says to the chinese man, "will be in charge of keeping the supplies in check."


The boss comes back, two hours later, and the pile of sand hasn't budged.
"What happened?" he asks.
"The chinese man ran off with the supplies, and we couldn't find him!" the italian and scot both say.
"Seriously?" the boss says.

The boss then approaches the pile of sand, when the chinese man leaps out of it and says "**SUPPLIES!**"


(If you didn't get it, say the last sentence out loud.)

3 Ducks Go to Court

The first duck walks up to the judge and the judge says, "What is your name and what did you do?"
The duck replies, "I am Duck QUACK and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond."
The Judge sentences the duck to two years and calls the next case.
The second duck walks up to the judge and the judge says, "What is your name and what did you do?"
The duck replies, "I am Duck QUACK QUACK and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond too."
The judge says, "Same as the first, two years" and calls the next case.
The third duck walks up to the judge and the judge says, "Don't tell me you're Duck QUACK QUACK QUACK?" and the duck replies, "No, I'm bubbles."

Never end a sentence with a preposition

For example: The boy had no one to play a preposition.
Wait… I think I gave two examples above.

Word sentence

The teacher asked Juan to use the word hyphenated in a sentence.
Juan said, There used to be a space between these two words, but there isn't anymore because a hyphen ate it.

A teacher asks his students to make a sentence with the word "contagious"...

...Sally answers, "Viruses are contagious."
"Very good Sally. Anybody else?", the teacher says.
Ben puts up his hand, "When I hear someone laugh, I like to laugh as well, because laughter is contagious".
"Thankyou Ben, that was a good example", replies the teacher.
Then Timmy puts up his hand. "Yes Timmy", asks the teacher.
"My neighbour was painting the outside of his house with a two inch brush, and my Dad said that it would take the contagious."

Two girls move into a dorm, one from Georgia and the other from Connecticut...

The girl from GA arrives to the dorm room and finds the CT girl with her parents hanging drapes. The GA girl says "Hi, y'all! Where y'all from?" The CT girl, in a snobbish northeast attitude replies, "We're from a place where we don't end sentences in prepositions." The GA smiles politely and responds, "Beg my pardon. Where y'all from...c**...?"
Props to House of Cards for this joke, although I'm sure it's been done before.

There are two ways to trigger a nuclear chain reaction: ...

The first involves hitting uranium with accelerated protons. The second is mentioning Hillary and Feminism in one sentence.

3 Men Awaiting Execution

The first man sits in the electric chair: I believe in God, and I know that I will not be harmed since this is a wrongful sentencing -- nothing happens and the man lives on.
Next in line for execution is a lawyer. He is shortly sat down and attached to the chair. "I believe in Justice and law..." despite his failed negotiations he was released.
Last in line was an engineer who promptly saw the two misconducted trials. He blurted out "you have to connect the two leads over there to complete the circu..." and swiftly thereafter he was executed.

At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "s**..." both appeared

A female student's composition:
'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical s**....'
A male student's composition:
'I love s**....'

Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.

Two h**... kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
"Now spell s**...'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is s**...."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."
"I may be dumb, I may be s**..., but Darla says my dictate good!"

I told my girlfriend two sentences

"We need to buy a new car."
"I am thinking about taking a break."
She started crying. I mean, she could have just said she didn't like that type of cars.

Where y'all from?

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.
One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.
The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.
Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"
Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."
The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...c**...?"

My computer just crashed while I was a couple hours into doing my essay

Now I have to write those two sentences all over again

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.
He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As she walks past the gallery her husband, who is not happy with the sentence, shouts at the Judge "SHE HAD TWO TINS OF PEAS AS WELL"

A professor in South africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?
One student raises their hand,
The cheetah is faster dandelion.

Daughter: What does g**... mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating g**...'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh

There are two types of people:

Those that understand that a sentence can imply a second point without explicitly stating it.

[OC] Two peanuts were walking down the street

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
The assailant, a third peanut not known to the victim or his friend, pleaded "not guilty" on grounds of insanity; however, after much deliberation, he was sentenced to five years for the assault, because he wasn't a nut at all.

A two foot tall man named Shaw is sentenced to five years in prison

So naturally he's scared. In particular, he's scared of a large Dutch prisoner named Reedemps, who runs the cell block and gives the diminutive Shaw beatings on the regular.
Shaw makes friends with his cell mate, Joe, who is also afraid of Reedemps, Together, they hash out a plan to get revenge. Joe will get Reedemps to chase him, and Shaw will be waiting with a toothbrush he's s**... into a plastic knife.
The next day at lunch Joe dumps his prison lunch chili on Reedemps' head and runs into a closet. Reedemps opens the closet, where Joe kills the lights and yells:
Shaw! Shank Reedemps' shin!

What do horses eat?

Hay of course.
What do gay horses eat?
*Hayyyyyyyyy*
What do mad horses eat?
HEY!
*Disclaimer-I'm fairly certain I made the last line up, but have heard the previous two all through my childhood. It's much better told in person, especially if you really yell that last line. People think they already know the joke, the extra sentence gets them intrigued, then they're paying attention and super startled when you yell the final "hay".

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"
Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"
His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?

Yeah, he got two consecutive sentences!

Two white guys and a black guy are in prison...

Two white guys and a black guy are in prison, discussing their crimes and sentences. The first white guy says, "I'm in here for five years. Attempted r**.... I'm lucky I didn't commit the r**..., I would've got double."
The second white guy says, "I'm in her for ten years. Attempted m**.... I'm lucky I didn't kill the guy, I would've got double."
The black guy speaks up. "I'm in here for twenty years. For riding my bicycle without lights. I'm lucky it was daytime..."

James and John were given a question from their teacher to which they had to answer

Their question was to write the past tense of a sentence
The boy has a cold
James wrote The boy had a cold
John wrote The boy had had a cold because it is grammatically correct to say 'had had' back to back
The teacher looked at the two answers and proceeded to mark Johns as correct and James's as incorrect
So to summarise: John, while James had had 'had', had, had had 'had had'; 'had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.
To clarify: this is not my joke, I found it on a video and it was really funny so I decided to post it

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.
James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

Two Gulag inmates are talking.

A: "What's your sentence?"
B: "Twenty years."
A: "Twenty years? What did you do?"
B: "I did nothing."
A: "Well that is impossible."
B: "Why is it impossible?"
A: "Because you get ten years for doing nothing."

There are two ways to make someone mad

One is not finishing your sentence and the other is

A man once challenged everyone that he can answer all questions with just two sentences.

The man claimed that all questions can be answered by either "None of your business" or "None of my business".
Then a wise man came to him, and asked, "Don't you think answering questions like that make people unhappy?"
The man replied with "None of my business."
The wise man then asked again, "Do you think you are the most clever person on the Earth?"
The man simply told him "None of your business."
And the wise man smiled, asked politely, "Do you know I slept with your wife?"

Daughter: What does g**... mean?

**Daughter:** What does g**... mean?
**Me:** Well, you know - mum and dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way.
**Her:** So what's '*penetrating g**...'*?
**Me:** Er... Read me the whole sentence.
**Her:** *"She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."*
**Me:** Oh!

"Dad, what does g**...' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.
Daughter: So what is 'penetrating g**...'?
Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."
Me: Oh.

An irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are all sentenced to jail for 25 years

They are each allowed to bring one thing into prison with them. The irishman takes 25 years worth of cigarettes, the Scotsman takes 25 years worth of whiskey and the englishman takes 25 years worth of chocolate. So the 25 years pass and they are all let out of jail. The englishman comes out really fat because of all the chocolate, the scotsman comes out really drunk and when the irishman walks out he asks the two of them: "have either of you got a lighter"

Carrying a saw

He had stolen a saw, and on his trial he told the judge that he only took it for a joke.
"How far did you carry it?" inquired the Judge.
"Two miles", answered the prisoner.
"Ah! That is carrying a joke too far", said the judge, and the prisoner was sentenced to jail for three months.
Source: 1913 Newspaper