Two Priests Jokes
110 two priests jokes and hilarious two priests puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two priests that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Two Priests Short Jokes
Short two priests jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two priests humour may include short priest and nun jokes also.
- Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
- Two priests in a car... ... as a cop pulls them over.
"Sir, we are looking for two child molesters..."
The priests look at each other and after a short moment the driver says:
"Okay, we'll do it" - A monk, priest, and rabbit walk into a blood bank... The rabbit turns to the other two and says, I think I'm a type-O.
- Two priests decided to open a Fish and Chip shop... ... One was a Fish Friar, the other was a Chip Monk.
- Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church. They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
- A cop pulls over two catholic priests and says "I"m looking for two child molesters"... And the priests reply; "We'll do it!"
- A policeman stopped two priest driving down the road. Policeman says we are looking for a couple of paedophiles, the two priest look at each other and says to the policeman.. Ok we will do it....
- A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar. Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
- You know you're getting old... when you walk past two priests and they wont even glance at you.
- Fish & Chips A man walked into a fish and chips shop run by two priests, but only one was out front. He asked, "Are you the fish friar?"
The man replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."
Share These Two Priests Jokes With Friends
Two Priests One Liners
Which two priests one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two priests? I can suggest the ones about two missionaries and priest and altar boy.
- What do you call it when a priest goes for round two? The second coming
- A ninja, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, Good to see you two
- Priests are pretty amazing people They can marry two people at once
- Did I tell you the one about the two priests and a donkey? You'll get a kick out of it...
- Two Priests Walk Into A Bar... The Nuns Duck.
- Why did the priest read out of two bibles at once? for cross-reverence.
- Two Catholic priests are driving along a road.
- Two priest walk into bar and disappointed... there are no young boys there.
Cheeky Two Priests Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about two priests you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean priest and rabbi jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two priests pranks.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw the light bulb and the other to screw the altar boy in the corner!
A super h**... walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?"
"Well Father, I am a s**... addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had s**... with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby."
The priest says, "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay." As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and dont forget that I will always be here for you!"
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!
Priests do it all the time
#2857: Two priests are in a shower.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"
So, This Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar...
And takes a seat in front of the bartender.
"Would you like to here a great blonde joke?" He asks.
The bartender leans in close and says,
"Well, the priest and rabbi to your right are blonde. The two cheerleaders to your left are blonde and, to top it all off, I'M blonde. You still want to tell that joke buddy?"
The blind guy takes a moment to think about it and says
"Nah. I'd rather not have to explain it five times."
The miser's will
A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him.
After the f**..., the three were talking, and the doctor said "I have a confession to make. I didn't actually put all the money in the coffin -- it seemed like such a waste. I kept out $200,000 to buy some new equipment for the hospital."
The priest chimed in, "I'm so glad you said that -- I couldn't bring myself to throw away $1 million either. I kept $300,000 to build a new wing on the church."
The lawyer shook his head in disgust and said, "I can't believe you two, ignoring your dead father's wishes like that! When we buried him, that coffin contained my personal check for the full amount of one million dollars!"
There has been some controversy regarding priests delivering sermons using an iPad instead of the traditional bible.
I think its perfectly fine. After all, Moses delivered the ten commandments using two tablets.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
A man in a small town goes to confessional...
and tells the local priest, "Father, forgive me, for I have slept with a loose woman."
The priest thinks for a moment and says, "Well, son, was it Mary?"
"No Father."
"Hmm," the priest continues, "was it Fiona?"
"No, no father," the man replies.
"And was it Anne?"
"No, father."
After a pause, the priest says, "Give me one our fathers and two hail marys, and all will be forgiven."
The man exits the confessional and slides in next to his friend on a pew.
"So," the friend asks, "what'd the father give you?"
"Well, I got one our fathers, two hail marys, and three good leads."
**source**: Prairie Home Companion
Two kids a mom a lawyer and a priest are on an airplane.
The airplane starts going down and there is only two parachutes.
The mother says, save the kids!
The lawyer says,f**... THE KIDS!
and the priest says do we have enough time?
2 parrots
A woman tells her priest, Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?'
Don't worry, says the priest. I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cage—your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?
One male says to the other, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
So a priest is taking a bath late at night
So a priest is taking a bath late at night when he remembered that he forgot his soap in his room, he figured it's late and no one will be up so he rushed to his room without a towel around his waist, he got the soap but on his way back he heard two nuns walking by so he stands by the wall like a statue. The two nuns walk up to him and one of them says to the other "Look, it's that soap dispenser they said they were gonna bring" and she pulls his d**..., he quickly drops his soap. The second nun says "Oh, cool! I want to that too" and she pulls his thing and nothing happens so she tries a few more times then she turns to the first nun and says "Oh! I got liquid soap!".
A guys is at a party.....
and steps behind two other guys. He notices that they are a Priest and a Rabbi and both are holding ducks.
He says "What is this? a joke?"
The Priest looks back and says, "No, this is the punchline."
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
The honest lawyer?
The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. I know I am going to die he said and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.
It was a few days after the f**... when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. I'm glad you brought it up said the doctor, because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.
You people should be ashamed of yourselves stormed the lawyer stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this he said pulling out his check book, look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!
A priest wants to know how he can become a better priest..
.. so he asks the bishop. The bishop had only two points to make.
"Eat healthy and exorcise daily"
(Just thought of this on the can, is there any ways I can improve on it? Or do you know of any similar jokes to lighten up my day?)
A Lawyer a Priest and a Rabbi.....
are driving behind a school bus when it suddenly runs off the road and flips over. The rabbi looks at the other two and says, "We must go out and help the children." The lawyer responds, "Screw those kids." To which the priest replies, "Do you think we have time?"
What's the difference?
What's the difference between a McDonald's burger and a Priest.
Answer: none. They both put meat between two 10 year old buns..
Two beggars are sitting in the Vatican...
There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of David got nothing. One morning a high priest walked by the beggars and said the the beggar with the star of David " my friend, you are in Vatican city, all these people that pass you by will give to the man with the cross, they will never give money to a man with a star of David, in fact they will give to the man with the cross just to spite you... The beggar with the star of David, turned the the beggar with the cross and said " hey, Moshe, this s**... is trying to teach the Cohen brothers about marketing"
Two priests are out driving one day..
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."
A Catholic boy in confession says
"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I m**... while thinking
about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you
have two gorgeous brothers."
An old widow is on her deathbed,
and a priest comes to give her her last rites.
The woman has had four husbands, banker, an actor, a priest, and a mortician. The priest asks, why so many, and she replies, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Where is god?
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God missing and they think we took him!"
Timbuktu
Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"
Adultery
n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
A priest and a shepherd...
... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...
...they are pulled over by a police officer.
The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."
The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.
Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."
Two priests are driving along the road when they get stopped by a police officer
The officer walks up to the priests' car and tells them, "Hello sirs, we're looking for two child molesters. Have you seen anyone that could resemble the sort?"
The priest in the driver's seat turns to the other, and after a brief moment of conversation, turns back to the officer and says,
"Yeah, okay, we'll do it."
Convert today! $5000
Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.
"What happened that took forever?"
"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converted."
"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"
"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"
An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..
...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.
A drunk walks up to two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest gives the same answer.
The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"
An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth
He tells the priest that he just had a t**... with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."
The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"
"I'm 80 years old and just had a t**...," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"
An elderly man walks into a confessional...
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s**... with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .
Old man dies
In his f**..., the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."
The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
A rabbi and a priest...
take a group of kids on a spiritual trip to the Holy Land. During the flight, the pilot announces,
" The plane is going down, we only have two parachutes. I'm taking one. You guys figure out who gets the other one"
The priest says, " We should give it to one of the kids."
The rabbi grabs the c**... and says, " I have a life to live! F*c**... the kids! "
The priest thinks, and says,
"Do you think we have time?? "
Policeman stops priest on the bike...
Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$.
Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me.
Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike.
If ever you're going to a haunted house, you need three people.
A young priest, an old priest, and Richard Simmons, just in case you need to exercise a ghost or two.
Four across...
Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:
"A word, four across, ending with unt..."
The other man asks him:
"Well, what's the clue?"
He replies:
"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."
"Aunt?"
"Ah, yes it is!"
The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.
"Can I borrow an eraser?"
Two priest driving down the road...
Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.
"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.
The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."
An elderly man walks into confession and says...
Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.
They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are doing?
What if you have an accident?
The priests say, Don't worry, my son. God is with us.
The policeman says, In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
Man walks into a Catholic church at night
To his surprise, two priests walk up to excitedly greet him.
"Hello!" Says the other. "I am Paul Unch, and this is Liam Ine, we're the priests here. If you'll walk this way-"
"Hold up", says the man. "P. Unch and L. Ine? I'm in a s**... joke, right?"
"O-h**...!" exclaims Ine. "You got us!"
"Alright, screw this. I'm leaving." And he walks out in a huff.
"Well, that got rid of him", said Ine. "Paul, get the altar boys back in."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A man sees two alter boys behind a church sitting on a block of ice.
He says "what are you two doing here sitting on a block of ice?". An alter boy replies "The priest likes a couple of cold ones after a sermon."
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
two cannibals are eating a priest, and then they start projectile vomiting
"It's true" one says to the other
"you just can't keep a good man down!"
Two priests drive around at night.
Going through a wooded area, they are stopped by the police. Seeing he just has stopped two men of the cloth, the officer mutters: "Excuse me, but we are looking for a child m**......" The priests stick their heads together, and after a short whispered discussion, exclaim: "OK, we'll do it!"
Two priests were driving down a road...
Two priests were driving down a road when they were pulled over by a police officer.
The officer said, I'm looking for two child molesters
The priests took a moment to think, and then in unison said we'll do it!
A guy gets thrown out of a bar.
Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.
The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.
"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"
A man is at a f**... of an old friend.
He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word or two. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his t**..., and says "Catholic Priest"
The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, we were all touched."
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.
Two guys walk into a bar...
They look around, and see that at one table, there's a rabbi, a priest, and an imman. At another there's an Irishman, a Scottsman, and a Brit. At a third there's a blonde, a brunette, and a readhead. Up at the bar, sits a dog with a bandaged paw.
Guy looks to his friend and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'
So two Catholic priests are hanging outside Toys R Us and an eight year old boy walks by
The first priest smirks and whispers to the second priest, I bet he looked good in his prime.
Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest
The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."
Two goats walk into a mosque....
And the priest welcomed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Muhammad Ali to his sermon.
Two priests decided to open a fast food joint.
The first became a fish friar, while the other became a chip monk.
There are two types of Catholics right now- for Trump's wall and against Trump's wall.
Catholic priests have maintained their same position as they are used to crossing the lines with children.
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
How do you get two catholic priests to fight to the death?
You throw a little boy in between them.
