JokoJokes

Two Part Jokes

119 two part jokes and hilarious two part puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two part that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Two Part Short Jokes

Short two part jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two part humour may include short 2 piece jokes also.

  1. Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right.
    In the right side, there's nothing left.
  2. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, obviously. How they got inside the lightbulb is the part I don't understand...
  3. Two nuns go out for a bike ride They wander through the old part of town.
    One nun says, "I've never come this way before."
    The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones."
  4. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? It only takes two mice to screw in a light bulb.
    The hard part is getting them in there.
  5. I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts? That's where I draw the line.
  6. I watched a documentary about the bikini. It was a two-part series and it was very revealing.
  7. Donald Trump's brain has two parts. The right part and the left part but,
    The right part has nothing left.
    The left part has nothing right.
  8. How many magical fairies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, the tricky part is getting them both inside there.
  9. I was just sentenced to Prison for my part in a timeshare fraud. I have to go to prison for two weeks every year for 20 years.
  10. I was watching a magic show and the magician cut a donkey into two parts. Honestly, it was a pretty half-assed trick.

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Two Part One Liners

Which two part one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two part? I can suggest the ones about 2 step and two bit.

  1. What's a banana made of? One part barium, two parts sodium.
  2. What's the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter? A ginger with two friends
  3. The best part about Jim Jones jokes Is that theres always two punchlines
  4. The best part of being a crackhead.... Only two more sleeps until Christmas.
  5. I just read an article on the bikini... it's two parts and pretty revealing.
  6. What body part do adults have two of and children have four of? Kidneys.
  7. Part two of 'Dinner for One' revealed! Title is "Dinner for two: Revenge of the tiger."
  8. What's the worst part about being two young melons in love? Cantaloupe.
  9. Why is your head the holiest of all body parts? Because it has two temples...
  10. Now showing: "Amputees" A film in two parts!
  11. What's the best part of divorce? Two Kwanzaas
  12. What do you call two soul mates reincarnated as Boeing parts? Manifold destiny
  13. What's the best part of two l**... marrying? Two cooks in the house.
  14. The two parts of a mermaid are one part s**...... and one part human.

Two Part Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about two part you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean two bits jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two part pranks.

Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City.

Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"

There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to c**... so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute. The president spoke first and he said " I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one. Then the blonde girl spoke and she said " I look beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one. The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said " I help people solve their problems so I should get one" so he jumped off with one. Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy. The priest said to the boy " here you take the last parachute and go because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, it's all right because there is still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".

Wouldn’t it be great if men were made by Kodak!
They would automatically shut off when they weren’t being used.
You wouldn’t have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
They last longer and come with a warranty.
You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
They come in fashion colors.
You can keep them in maximum zoom.
They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
The parts that count are portable.
They don’t mind over-exposure.
They respond to the slightest touch.
The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.
One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."
However, two years had passed and he realized he was in love with her. Thus, he decided to refrain from speaking for three years so he could say "I love you."
Then, after three years he realized that he wanted to marry her. So he did not speak for four years so he could say "Will you marry me?"
Finally, after nine years had passed, the prince took the princess to the most romantic part of the royal garden, stood on one knee, and said, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?"
And the princess said, "Pardon?"

A man and woman live in a two story house.

A man and woman live in a two story house and sleep on the second floor. At 3 a.m. they're awakened by a knock at the front door. The man goes to the window, opens it and looks down but can't see anyone.
"Who's out there?" he asks.
A voice says, "Please help me. I need a push."
"I'm sorry," the man says. "I'm not leaving my house at this hour."
He gets back into bed. His wife says, "Honey, don't you remember when our daughters were stuck in that bad part of Oakland at 3 in the morning, and if that stranger didn't give them a jumpstart, they would been there for hours?"
"Yeah, you're right," the man says. He gets out of bed and returns to the window. "Are you still down there?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Do you still need that push?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?" the man asks.
"I'm over here on your swings."

At the maternity ward...

Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man "Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!" the man replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!" whereupon he h**... into the ward to be with his wife. a few minutes pass, before the orderly returns and says to the second man "Congratulations, sir! you are the proud father of three healthy triplets!" to which he replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work for Triple A!" before going into the ward to be with his wife. A few hours pass but eventually the orderly comes back into the room, and before she can say a thing, the third man jumps up, and tears down the hall screaming. "Sir! what's wrong!" the orderly shouts, chasing after him. The man shouts over his shoulder "I work for Ten Thousand Auto Parts!"

An addendum to the Interrupting Cow knock-knock joke. I believe this is the appropriate way to tell it.


"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Impatient Cow."
"Impatient Cow W--"
"MOO!"
___
part two:
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"*Patient Cow...*"
"Patient Cow *who?*"
"....."
".................."
.
.
.
.
.
"..."

Soup for the Mind in riddle form

1. a rooster lays an egg at the very top of a pointed roof. which way does the egg roll??
2. A plane crashes directly in the middle of the border between Canada and U.S.A. where where the survivors buried?
3. Two babys were born from the same mother, on the same day, of the same year, on the same minute, yet were not twins... how is this possible??
Answeres
1. roosters dont lay eggs, hens do
2. the survivors wouldnt need to be buried, the dead would
3. they were part of a triplet,not twins
i know they are old and easy, but better ones WILL come.

One Way trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only o**... could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. Two millions dollars, the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, " I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
**

Why a fourth time?

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

A professor gives his psychology class a pop quiz. . .

One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy may expand up to ten times under certain circumstances?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question." The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!" Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that may expand to ten times." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you."

Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US...

Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, "You know, I've heard they eat dogs in America."
"I've heard the same thing," says the second.
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
"What is it?!" asks the second nun.
The first nun asks, "What part did you get?"

A young religious couple is about to get married

When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.
"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"
Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.
While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.
Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."
"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"
Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

The twins

There were two twin brothers called Juan and Jamal who had grown up and left their family to find their luck far away in two different parts of the country.
After a while, missing his sons, their father went to a trip to see them. When back home, his wife, who had stayed home, asked him about their kids.
"I went first to Juan. He is quite fine" he said.
"What about Jamal, did you visit him as well?"
"No need. If I've seen Juan, I've seen Jamal"

Three young boys are walking home from school one day...

when they decide to stop and check out the new neighbors who moved in on their block. They walk over to the tall fence surrounding the yard and the first boy looks through a hole. He finds himself staring at a beautiful, n**..., sunbathing woman. He wildly gestures for the second boy to look, and then the third boy. However, when the third boy looks through the hole, after a few seconds he screams, and runs down the street towards his house. The other two boys look at each other in bewilderment and go home very confused.
The next day, the boys stop by the house in hopes of seeing the same woman, and again find her sunbathing n**.... Yet again, once the third boy looks through the hole he screams and runs down the street. The other two boys are still extremely confused as they walk home.
The following day, they stop by the house again, and lo and behold, the woman is out sunbathing n**... again. When the third boy gets his turn and screams, the other two grab him and prevent him from running off.
The first boy says "Look! Every time you take a look at that lady, you scream and take off! What is wrong with you?!"
The third boy turns and replies "Well...my mom always told me that if I ever looked at a woman n**..., I would turn to stone...and I felt a part of me getting reeeallly hard...."

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims "Ta-Dah." The bakery is angered and asks "Well what's the magic trick?" The second magician replies "Look in my friend's pocket."

Little Johnny and two p**....

Little Johnny went to school and the teacher was teaching human anatomy. She pointed to the private part of a male and asked her class if anyone knew what it was.
Little Johnny raised his hand: "I do, I do! and my daddy has two of them!" Teacher was puzzled.
"My daddy has a small one to pee with and a long one to brush my mom's teeth with!"

Dirty f**... one liner

The hardest part of being into double p**..., is that you have to get two people into it.

Looking for a joke about religious divisions...

I heard a joke a long time ago about two people who were in the same religion. and they go through the sub-parts of the religion- they're both christians, protestants, lutherans, same synod, etc... but when they get to the smallest possible division - they are in different ones and they get into a big fight, yelling at each other about being apostates. Anyone know how it goes?

I've got two part time jobs.

I'm a boxer, and a warm up act at the comedy club. I read between the punchlines.

Dave is tired of the corporate world and city life so he moves to a small country town....

After a few weeks of not seeing a single soul there was a knock on his door. He opens it to be greeted by a man.
"Welcome to the neighbourhood, my name is Jimbob. I'm your neighbour and would like to invite you to a party"
"That sounds great!" Dave replies.
"Oh it will be, there is gonna be plenty to drink" says Jimbob.
"And when i start gettin tipsy i turn the music up, which gets the party really started, so there will be plenty of dancin" he continues.
"Usually a fight or two breaks out, nothing unusual for these parts" he says
"And always plenty of s**...!!"
Dave is starting to think wow this sounds like a good party and asks "how many people turn up to these types of things?"
"Oh, Just you an me" answers Jimbob

Part of our choir got kidnapped last week!

Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.

Two southern girls...

R sitting out on the front porch. One of them has just gotten back from the big city of New York when she says to the other, "u know, they have women up there who have s**... with other women." Her friend says, "Do tell? What do they call them?" She says, "they call them l**.... And they have men who have s**... with other men." Her friend asks again, "Do tell? What do they call them?" She says, "They call them homosexuals. And they have these men who'll put their face down in your private parts and kinda lick around and stuff?!" Her friend says, "Do tell!? What do they call them?" She says, "Oh honey, I don't know. I just patted him on the head and called him Precious!!"

GovSchwarzenegger's musical talents.

One day Arnold Schwarzenegger and his two friends Bill and Tom were going for a stroll downtown.
Suddenly a man jumped out of a doorway and said "Help! We've just lost our three leads for our movie on famous European composers!"
Arnie and the boys, ever the gentlemen, decided to help the poor fellow.
Once inside, the director told them who the three composers in question were and that they could pick each part for themselves.
"I'll be Mozart." Said Bill.
"I'll be Beethoven!" Said Tom.
"I'll be Bach..."

Two mechanics are talking, and one says to the other "Hey, I found this car part in the dump, I think it might be from an old limo."

The other mechanic inspects the part and replies, "Eh, I dunno, that might be a bit of a stretch."

Three little old ladies are sitting at a bus stop...

...when suddenly a man in a trench coat runs up to them and tears open the coat, flashing them his manly parts.
Two of the little old ladies immediately have a s**....
The third couldn't quite reach.

Two Scottish nuns

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

So summer is coming up and i think I'm in good enough shape to pull off a two piece.

The hardest part is just chasing her down.

Emergency flashers

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their n**... bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"

Two men go hunting......

o**... is looking through his new scope and says, "Hey I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on ya." He buddy says, "I'm tired of her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts." He looks back and says, "I can get that in one shot."

A driver gets pulled over . . .

A man gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. While the officer is doing the routine license check, he spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
The cop tells the driver, "I'll let you off this time, but you need to take those penguins straight to the zoo." The driver was happy to get off with just a warning, so he agrees.
The next day, the officer sees the same car in another part of town, with some penguins peeking out the back windows.
He pulls over the driver again. "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo just yesterday!"
"Your sure did," says the driver, "and what a great idea that was. We had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Hot dogs

Two foreigners arrive in America for the first time, in New York City. They step out into the city and see a hot dog stand. One says to the other "wow - they eat dogs in America? Well I guess we should give it a try". They each get a hot dog and sit down to eat. After a minute of just staring at his hot dog, one turns to the other and says "hey... what part did you get?".

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

So in some parts of the world, in some hotels, if you call the concierge in the middle of the night for an extra pillow, it is a code that you want them to send a h**... to your room.

What if, in the middle of the night, you actually do need an extra pillow and they send you a h**... instead?
Then you have TWO h**...,
And only one pillow to smother them with!

As I get older, I only find that two body parts start hurting all the time. My back.....

And my front.

Unemployment at its best!

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

What do you get when you put two starving guys in a cage?

One cannibal and a some spare parts.

What's the worst part about having a crush on a Christian girl?

Having to convince two Fathers to let you date her.

The two most important parts of cooking a pizza..

Are making sure that the pizza is perfectly cooked and that I'm perfectly baked.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

I gave my two-year old son a set of Legos, and now he's choking on Peter Dinklage.

There are no small parts, only small actors.

When I was a kid...

...I wanted to be a magician. My parents being the supportive people they are, helped me learn how to perform magic. My father even taught me half of a two-part lesson on disappearing tricks. I'm still waiting for the part on how to reappear.

Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.

The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:
"What happened to the cheese?"
They replied:
"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be the holes."

Two men saw a dog l**... his chimchilly...

Two men were walking home one day. They saw a Pitbul happily sitting on the grass, l**... his private parts, cleaning himself.
The one man turned to his friend, "Dude, I wish I could do that."
His friend turned to him, with a worried look on his face, "But aren't you scared the dog will bite you?"

Logic

Three professors visit a nudist beach, and s**... off. After some time they notice the Dean and his wife approaching. Two of the professors immediately cover their private parts with towels, but the professor of logic covers his face. When asked why, he says "My face is the way that I am usually recognised".

Why does the head of EA like micro transactions so much?

It describes two distinct parts of his s**... life

Two cockroaches run into each other in a week old baguette

One says to the other, 'Hey, I thought I was the only roach from around these parts. Where you from?'
The other responds, 'Who, me? I was born in bread right here.'

A dog is l**... his private parts

Two men are watching a dog lick his private parts.
First guy says, "I wish I could do that."
Second guy says, "You should probably pet him first."

There are two type of people

Those who can use common sense to find out what the next part of the joke is

Two people are putting together a compass

One of them says, "Okay, I got the North part here, South here, and East right here". Then the other guy says, "where's the West of it?"

What's the best part about being a m**... head on Halloween?

Just two more sleeps till Christmas!

You can't perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder

Two rungs don't make a rite

LaughOutLoud

I broke two eggs I found no York but only the white part then I found out that chickens are now involved in abortion pills

What's the worst part about having two dads?

They just toss the ball around to each other.

I hate it when the bartender messes up my r**... and coke

It's one part rumchata and *two* lines of coke

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "
The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "
" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "
To which the lookout replies " Eye, eye Captain! "

Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts

Authorities say it's a loco motive

Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.
Blonde 1: What are you doing?!
Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.
Blonde 1: You d**...! Those are for the other side of the house!

Jazz hands

Worker one: why does j**... the maintenance guy always do jazz hands after hes finished looking inside the copy machine?
Worker two: is part of his routine maintenance
(I wanted to do this joke as a picture but im lazy and bad at drawing, also sorry for the bad joke)

Buggy Ride

An Amish woman is driving her horse and buggy down the road when she gets pulled over.
"You have a broken reflector on your buggy," says the cop. "But, more important, one of your reins is looped around that part of the horse that I can't mention. Nevertheless, that's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away."
Later that day, the woman tells her husband: "A policeman pulled me over today for two reasons. First, he said the reflector was broken."
"Well, that's easily fixed," says her husband. "What else?"
"I'm not sure," she says. "Something about the emergency brake."

Thought I'd try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.
As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, Which part of the dog did you get?