Two Nuns Jokes
87 two nuns jokes and hilarious two nuns puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two nuns that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Two Nuns Short Jokes
Short two nuns jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two nuns humour may include short three nuns jokes also.
- Two nuns went on a bike ride... ...and one says to the other, as they turn down a side street
"I've never come this way before!"
And the other replies
"yes! It's the cobblestones!" - A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar. Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
- Two nuns at a Catholic Church Two nuns at a Catholic Church near me got pregnant.
On an unrelated note, they dressed up as altar boys for Halloween. - So, there were two nuns... ...and one of them says to the other 'sister, I've got a filthy *habit*'
'Why? Have you not washed it in a while?'
'No,' she replied. 'I'm a crack addict.' - A nun walks into a grocery store Nun: "Hi I'd like to buy a cucumber."
Clerk: "Well, why don't you buy two, so you can eat one." - Two nuns were riding a bicycle having the time of their lives. At the end of the day, one nun says to the other: "It's getting late, I need to put the seat back on."
- Two catholic sisters rode bicycles through rough roads of Rome... One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before".
The other nun says, "It's the cobblestones". - In the latest sequel, John McClain teams up with two elderly nuns to save the Vatican from terrorists. It's called Old Habits Die Hard.
- Two nuns are taking a shower together... One asked Where's the soap?
The other one replied Yes it does - Two nuns are in the bathtub One nun says: "Where's the soap?"
The other says: "It does, doesn't it?"
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Two Nuns One Liners
Which two nuns one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two nuns? I can suggest the ones about nuns and priest and nun.
- What do you call two nuns playing a bongo? A conundrum.
- What do you call a couple of nuns and a blonde? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
- What's black and white and red all over? Two nuns in a knife fight.
- Here we see two Majestic birds of pray. Or Nuns, as they are also known.
- Two Priests Walk Into A Bar... The Nuns Duck.
- Two nuns met a exhibitionist. One had a s**.... The other one just watched it.
Two Nuns Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about two nuns you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 3 nuns jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two nuns pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City.
Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"
Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping.
As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold beer would go down great tonight!" "Indeed," the other nun replies, "but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?" "Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack." The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the beer to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'" Without hesitation the cashier bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, saying "The curlers are on the house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b**...…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked.
"Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
#2857: Two priests are in a shower.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells:
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Three Nuns
One day, three nuns decided to disobey their rules and walk around the convert n**.... Because the convert was visible from a road, they decided to close the blinds so no one would see them. The blinds were slightly broken so there was a single opening. the nuns decided to have one of the nuns keep watch while the other two went about their day. Later that day, a man started walking up the sidewalk to the convert. the nun on watched yelled to the others to hide. The man walked up to the window and called out to see if anyone was there. One of the nuns piped up and sayed she was, and asked what he needed. The man said that he was a blind man, looking for work. The nuns whispered to themselves, and agreed that since he was blind, they could let him in to help him. So the first nun opeded the door, still completely n**... along with the other two nuns. When the door opened, the man recoiled back in surprise. "why did you answer the door completely n**...?" he asked. Then nun was taken aback, " i thought you said you were blind!"
The man said "no, i am a BLINDS man, and i came to fix your blinds!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Two Nuns and the Blind man.
There were once two nuns taking a bath together when all of a sudden they hear a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" yells out one of the nuns.
"It's me, the blind man." replies the man at the door.
"Ok, come on up." calls the second nun.
A short moment later, they heard the footsteps up the staircase and soon the door to the bathroom opened.
"Oh, hello Sisters. I like your new towels. Now where do you want the blinds?"
Bu dum tss
The Nun and her Abbess
A Nun was living in an abbey and had taken a vow of silence. After living there for a year the Abbess calls her to her office and says.
"You have been silent for one year now. I lift your vow so that you may speak one sentence."
the Nun thinks for a moment and says.
"My floor is too cold"
The Abbess nods and thanks the Nun letting her get back to her duties. Another year goes by and again the Abbess summons the Nun to her office.
"You have lived, and worked among us for two years now. I lift your vow of silence so that you may speak two sentences."
again the Nun thinks, then says.
"My floor is too cold. I don't like the soup."
Once more the Abbess thanks the Nun and ushers her out of the office. once again another year rolls around and for the third time the Abbess summons the Nun into her office.
"You have lived, worked, and prayed, among us for three years now. I lift your vow of silence so that you may speak three sentences."
The Nun thinks really hard for a few moments, then says.
"My floor is too cold. I don't like the soup. and, the halls are too dusty."
The Abbess takes a hard look at the Nun and says.
"That is it. I have had enough. You must leave this place tonight. three years here and all you have ever done is complain."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
These two nuns are giving a woman a sponge-bath...
The woman is in a coma. One of the nuns notices that when she washes the woman's privates her vital signs start to kick in. This nun has the idea that if the woman would receive o**... s**... that she might come around. The nuns go out to the waiting area and find the woman's husband. They tell him of their idea and even though he is skeptical he eventually agrees and goes into the room. Moments later all the alarms start going off and everyone rushes into the room to find that the woman is dead. They ask the husband, "What happened?" He replies, "I don't know. I think she choked."
Three nuns die and go to heaven...
...where St. Peter greets them and informs them that in order to get into heaven, they must answer a question apeice. The first nun, who happens to be a novice nun, goes first.
"For you," says Peter, "an easy question, because of your short time as a nun. Who were the first two people?"
"That's easy," replies the nun excitedly. "Adam and Eve."
"Congratulations," says Peter, "You're in." He beckons the second nun forward. The second nun has been with the church for ten years and knows quite a bit about her religion.
"For you," says Peter, "a moderately difficult question. What color was Eve's hair?"
"I've never... I've never actually studied that," replies the nun. "But I'll take a guess. Blonde?"
"Great job," says Peter. "You're in."
He turns to the third nun, who was the head nun of her church. "And for you, a most difficult question indeed. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in Paradise?"
After a moment of thinking, the nun looks stumped. "Gosh, that's a hard one."
"Congratulations, you're in."
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US...
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, "You know, I've heard they eat dogs in America."
"I've heard the same thing," says the second.
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
"What is it?!" asks the second nun.
The first nun asks, "What part did you get?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a priest is taking a bath late at night
So a priest is taking a bath late at night when he remembered that he forgot his soap in his room, he figured it's late and no one will be up so he rushed to his room without a towel around his waist, he got the soap but on his way back he heard two nuns walking by so he stands by the wall like a statue. The two nuns walk up to him and one of them says to the other "Look, it's that soap dispenser they said they were gonna bring" and she pulls his d**..., he quickly drops his soap. The second nun says "Oh, cool! I want to that too" and she pulls his thing and nothing happens so she tries a few more times then she turns to the first nun and says "Oh! I got liquid soap!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns were on their day off...
...and they were on their way to sate their only vice, which was a male s**... club. On their way there, they passed a barber shop where the smell of burning hair wafted through the air. One of them turns to the other and says, "I think we better slow down, Mabel."
Quasimodo applies for a job at Notre Dame...
...with his younger brother, Semimodo. They meet the Prelate high up in the bell tower.
The Prelate says "why should I hire you Quasimodo?"
He replies "because I can ring the bell better than anyone! And using only my face!"
"Show me," says the Prelate, whereupon Quasimodo enthusiastically slams his face into the bell,which swings violently away. A moment later, it swings back, whacking him in the chest and out of the bell tower. He falls to his death.
"Well," says the Prelate to Semimodo. "Can you do better?"
"Of course!" is the reply and Semimodo pulls the bell rope as hard as he can with both hands. This time the bell swings even wider and on returning catches him square in the shoulder, sending him out of the bell tower and plummeting to his death.
Down below, two nuns come across the bodies.
"Who is this?" asks one, pointing at Quasimodo.
"I'm not sure, " the other sister replies, "but his face rings a bell."
"What about this other one?" she asks, pointing at Semimodo.
"I don't know either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had s**... with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Rapey looking man follows two Nuns...SFW
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical He wants to r**... us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Elusive Midget Nun
Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.
The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?
The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you s**... a penguin!
Hidden Bible code
"Sister Agnes?"
"Yes, Martha; what is it?"
"Today's reading, from Malachi. I don't understand it."
The old nun approached the bench where Martha sat between two other visually-impaired students, and wedged herself in between the three. She looked down at the weighty braille Bible Martha was reading. "What don't you understand, my dear?"
"Well," continued Martha. "It seems to be a story all about the birth of Satan, the one that was prophesied about."
Alarmed, the elderly sister snatched the Bible from Martha and ran her leathery fingers over the little dots. Then she burst out laughing, "Oh, you silly child. You are holding the book upside down."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns
Two nuns are sitting on a bench. A guy in a trench coat comes up and flashes them. One of the nuns has a s**.... The other couldn't quite reach.
A police officer is patrolling the highway...
He sees a speeding car on I95. He pulls the car over and is surprised to see a nun at the wheel. He asks her if she knows why he pulled her over. She says that she had no idea. The officer said she was driving almost 100 mph. She said " No I was driving 95 just like the sign says" He looks in the back seat and sees two more nuns holding each-other and shaking. He says that they don't have to worry, he is just going to issue a warning because of the clear misunderstanding. They respond, "We are not worried about the fine, we just got off of highway 128."
A couple of hippies are sitting on a park bench...
...when a pair of nuns walks by, one of them on crutches and with most of her leg in a cast. The more outgoing of the two hippies asks, "Oh man! What happened? Are you okay?"
The hobbling nun responds, "Yes, my son. I slipped and fell in the bathtub and broke my tibia. The doctor says I'll have the cast off in two more weeks."
"Far out, man. Well, good luck and, uh, God bless?"
She replies, "Thank you, my child," and they continue on their way.
When they're out of earshot, the first hippie asks the other, "What's a bathtub?"
"How would I know, man? I'm not Catholic."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns riding through the garden of the convent...
They giggle, laugh and scream as they ride their bikes over the cobble stone paths. All of a sudden, the window of Mother Superior swings open. She shouts:" Girls! Keep it down, or I'm having the saddles re-installed!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a nun were visiting from Ireland to New York City one day...
And heard that in the US they eat dogs. The two decided that "when in Rome", so they took it upon themselves to find this cousine to sample. They were strolling through central park and heard someone yelling " dogs here, get yer dogs!" And found a hot dog cart vendor. They both ordered one each and sat down at a park bench to eat them. The nun unwrapped her dog first and took a look, then turned to the priest and asked, "which part of the dog did you get?"
3 Nuns
Three nuns were on vacation and travelling in a bus. Sister Veronica was chatting with Sister Frances who was sitting next to her. Across the aisle was Sister Trudy. Sister Trudy was very hard of hearing and was leaning across the aisle and trying to hear what the other two sisters were talking about.
Sister Veronica said, "When I was in Hawaii last year, they had the hugest bananas I ever saw. They were humungous! This long!" she said as she held her hands a foot apart, "and this wide!" she said as she held her hands in a circle. "I had trouble eating one!" she said as she motioned biting down on a banana.
Sister Trudy was leaning further in the aisle, trying to tune in to the conversation of the other two nuns.
Sister Frances then said, "When I was in Florida last year, they had the hugest oranges I have ever seen." She held her palms upturned as if to hold two large oranges. "They were this big!"
Sister Trudy could no longer stand it and shouted out, "Father who????!!!"
Two nuns sare coming back from the market late at night
- "Sister Andrea, it's already dark and we are still quite fare from the covent"
- "Yes Sister Dulce and did you notice that a man is following us??"
- "Yes! and what do you think he wants ?"
- "logical, rapes us... what should we do??"
- "logical: we split way, you on the left me on the right"
The man starts following Sister Dulce. Sister Andrea arrives to the Covent, and is worried because Sister Dulce is not arrived yet. After 1 hour here she comes.
- "What happened??"
- "Well I started running and obviously as did the man"
- "and??"
- "Logical: he reached me.."
- "Oh dear god! And what did you do??"
- "Logical: I lifted my dress up"
- "And what did he do??"
- "Logical: He dropped his pants"
- "god.... and??"
- "Logical no? A nun with her dressed up runs faster than a man with his pants down"
ps: Sorry my english is not my first language :)
So there were two nuns and...
They were riding there bikes down an old cobblestone street, one nun said oh sister Mary Margret I've never come this way before, and sister Mary Margret replied it's the cobblestone streets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest goes to take a shower late at night.....
After going in he realizes that there is no soap and remembers he has soap in his room.And Goes To Get Soap Without Getting Dressed.
He Grabs Two Bars Of Soap In His Hands From His Room And Heads Back To The Shower.
He Gets Halfway Down The Hall Suddenly He Sees Three Nuns Coming His Way.
He Find No Place To Hide Than He Stands Against The Wall And Freezes Like He is A Statue.
The Nuns Stop And Comment: How Original This Statue Is Looking.
The First Nun Go Further And Pulls His D*c**....
Startled, Father John Drops A Bar Of Soap.
First Nun: Oh Look, This Statue Is A Soap Dispenser.
To Test Her Theory the Second Nun Also Pulls His D*c**..., And Sure Enough He Drops The Last Bar Of Soap.
Now The Third Nun Then Pulls First Once, Then Twice And Three Times. Still Nothing Happens.
So She With Confusion Tries Once more time then she suddenly Yells: Holy Mary, Mother Of God, It's Liquid Soap This Time! www
Two nuns were riding though the streets
and realised they were late for church, one said to the other "I know a short cut" they zip through back streets and down a cobble stone path, the other Nun says "I've never come this way before!" The fist Nun replies "yeah, it's the cobble stones"
the soap dispensing priest
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Classic Nun Joke
A nun is traveling when her car breaks down. She finds out that she has run out of gasoline. She investigates the neighborhood and finds a filling station about a mile away. There is only one problem: She doesn't have a container to carry the gasoline back.
Then she realizes that she has an empty chamber p**... tucked in the back. She buys some gasoline and carries it back to the car.
She just filling the tank from the p**... when two guys walk past. One of them exclaims, "Boy! If that car starts running, I'll go to the Church every week for the rest of my life."
A nun walks out..
A nun walks out the front door of the church and sees two small boys laying face down in the snow with their pants down. She's asks them
What is it you boys are doing?
They turn and say "you know how father likes to have a couple of cold ones after his sermon"
Two Leprechauns Knock on the Door of a Convent.
The Mother Superior answers.
"Em, 'scuse me, Mother Superior," the first leprechaun says, "but you aren't after having any midget nuns in this convent?"
"Why, no little man" says she, "we have no midget nuns in this convent."
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the south of Ireland?"
"No, little man"
"Sure there aren't any midget nuns in the north of Ireland?"
"No, little man."
"So, yer tellin' us, Mother Superior, that in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns?"
"Yes, as far as I know in all of Ireland, there are no midget nuns." The line of questioning becoming tiresome, the Mother Superior closes the door and goes away.
One leprechaun turns to the other and says, "Ah, well ye see, Seamus, I told you it was a penguin we fooked."
Two Scottish nuns
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks up to two nuns and reveals himself to them, one had a s**......
... the other couldn't quite reach.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German t**... plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?
Old habits die hard
A man walks out of a bar...
He's completely trashed.
Swaying from one side of the street to the other, he stumbles towards his home, when he sees a nun walking in front of him.
With considerable effort he catches up to her and taps her on the shoulder, twice.
As soon as she turns around, he punches her right in the face.
Losing two teeth, she stumbles backwards and raises her arms. He punches her again, a lot harder this time.
She hits the ground and starts to beg for mercy: "Please, just leave me be. By god, why are you doing this?"
He grins from one ear to the other, and says:
"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
My Pastor Told me this one
Two nuns ran out of gas on their way to a hospital and are sitting on the side of the road. They decide to pray and ask God to help them. A man comes by and tells them, "I can take you to get gas but i have no gas can." The nuns decided to use some bed pans they had in the trunk. They go to the gas station and get gas and come back to the car. While one of the sisters is pouring the gas from the bed pan into the car, a preacher is driving by with his son. The preacher points out the nuns to his boy and says
"Look son, now that's some faith."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.
"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.
The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."
The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"
The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a p**......"
"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.
"Well... I'm a p**...."
"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nuns and prostitutes
What do you call 2 nuns and a p**... playing football? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...
When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Soldier and the Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked,
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officers ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b**.......I don't want to go to Iraq either!
Two nuns are out for a stroll...
... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.
The first nun says "Oh my, look at those cucumbers. They look great and they're huge!"
The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"
"They're three for two dollars," he replies.
The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.
The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"
Oh Sister.
A young nun joined an order which allowed her to say only two words every ten years.
After the first ten years, she said to the Mother Superior -- "Bed hard."
Ten years later, she said -- "Food stinks."
Ten years later, she said -- "I quit."
The Mother Superior said, "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain ever since you got here."
Two nuns and a penguin walk into a bar…
…the barkeep points at the penguin and says, "You're in the wrong joke".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So what do you call a group of two prostitutes and a nun?
Two wide receivers and a tight end.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A NUN and A SOLDIER (x-post)
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked,
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to war to Syria. .
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b**.......I don't want to go to Syria either!
Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.
One of them says, this is the best joke ever: A bus driver drove into a nun and then starts laughing hysterically.
Confused, the other sailor asked, how is that even funny?
The other sailor says it's not, but on this sub it is
Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.
(its better in dutch but it translates)
Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.
Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to r**... them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paul and two other men want to be nuns, but to prove they really all have no s**... desires, they are put in a room n**... and bells are placed on the end of their p**......
The most beautiful girl is then brought into the room, completely n**... and the test begins.
This goes on for 10 minutes with no reaction from Paul but then the girl comes very close and Paul's bell rings,
Completely embarrassed Paul bends over to pull up his pants as he is doing that he hears the light jingle of two bells behind him...
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."
"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"
"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"
The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
Two Nuns run out of gas...
Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.
They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.
So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
So there they are, two Nuns in full Nun garb pouring gas into the vehicle from a bed pan.
A man driving by sees the Nuns, sees the bed pan and exclaims:
"Oh, Lord! Now that is faith!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Bulgarian nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent
Two Bulgarian nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, s**... off their habits, and paint n**.... In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice t**...," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Two Nuns
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,
wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under
the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'
Three Nuns Die And Each Have To Answer A Question From God To Get Into Heaven...
God asks the first Nun, "Who were the first two people?"
She says, "Adam and Eve".
He says, "Okay, you're in."
God asks the second Nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"
She says, "The Garden of Eden".
He says, "Okay, you're in."
God asks the third Nun, "What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"
She says, "Hmm, that's a hard one."
He says, "Okay, you're in."
Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven
Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.
The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."
"Fine then, you're in," said God.
The collie said, "I was always faithful to my master and brought the family together when they were down."
"Sounds wonderful," said God. "Welcome."
Then it was the cat's turn. "Why should we let you in?" asked God.
"Well actually, I think you're in my chair."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, s**... off their habits, and paint in the n**....
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice b**...," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two nuns are sitting on a park bench
Sister Carol lights a cigarette and Sister Beatrice declares:
'That's a filthy habit'
Sister Carol replies: 'blame Sister Mary, she washes the b**... things'.
Two nuns, Sisters Mary and Teresa, are riding their bikes back to the convent from the shops in the old city.
Sister Mary says Up ahead the road is blocked, but if you follow me, I know another route.
Sister Teresa dutifully follows the older Sister as they wind their way through the city streets and down an old lane.
Sister Mary, asks Sister Teresa, do you know this route well?
Aye, says Sister Mary, I take this route often.
I've never come this way before. says Sister Teresa.
It's the cobblestones. replies Sister Mary.
Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield
The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.
"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.
The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:
"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"
Two old hippies meet a nun at a bus stop…
She's on crutches and seems to be having a hard time.
One hippie asks her, hey sister, like, what happened to your leg?
Oh my son, I slipped in the shower and broke my ankle replied the nun.
Oh said the hippie as he turned to his friend to ask quietly, hey man, what's a shower?
Don't ask me man, I'm not Christian!
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me. -
A bloke walks into a bar
And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dart hits the wire and rebounds straight into the Nuns eye, killing her instantly! The bloke shouts out One Nun dead and eighty."