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Two Jokes

150 two jokes and hilarious two puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Two Short Jokes

Short two jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two humour may include short jokes also.

  1. Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
  2. The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
    The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
  3. I called two girls hipsters and got slapped. Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
  4. How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
  5. Why do the election results take so long? It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
  6. I angered two people by calling them hipsters... Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
  7. If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 harry potter books, it spells out a secret message HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
  8. Genders are like the twin Towers There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject.
  9. I have two conditions in my will... 1) I want my remains spread around Disney World
    2) I do not want to be cremated
  10. My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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Two One Liners

Which two one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two? I can suggest the ones about and .

  1. What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot? 671 Hallmark movies.
  2. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
  3. If I had a dollar for every gender I'd have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits
  4. The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...
  5. Two countries go to war... Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.
  6. What would happen if two African countries get in a war? A 3rd World War.
  7. What would two termites order at a restaurant? Table for 2
  8. Two Karens are having lunch together The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"
  9. How to become a millionaire: Step One: Be a billionaire
    Step Two: Short sell $GME
  10. What start with W, ends with T and has two letters in between. Just stating the obvious.
  11. Do you know 10+10 is equal to 11+11? 10+10 is twenty, 11+11 is twenty two
  12. I have two unwritten rules. 1.
    2.
  13. The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.
  14. Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence
  15. Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king.

Two For One Jokes

Here is a list of funny two for one jokes and even better two for one puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two deer walk out of a gay bar One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
  • How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two: Prophet.
  • Two deer walk out of a gay bar One looks at the other and says, man, I blew like, twenty bucks in there!
  • Two blondes are walking and one asks, which is closer, the moon or Florida? And the other responds, duh... ... can you see Florida?
  • Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.
  • Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer. One says, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
    The other one goes, 'No'.
  • Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber "is this whiskey?" The other says "yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
  • My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
  • Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
    The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."
  • how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb? Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

Two Friends Jokes

Here is a list of funny two friends jokes and even better two friends puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend But then I saw the next two letters.
  • • My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
  • My friend said he did not understand cloning at all... I said "that makes two of us".
  • When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend. Then I saw the next two letters...
  • When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn. 2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
  • Two cannibals sat around a campfire One turned to the other and said, "God, I hate my mother-in-law."
    His friend said, "Well then try the potatoes."
  • Two women who are best friends are talking. "Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"
    "No."
    "So, we'll be enemies then?
    "No."
    "What would we be then?
    "Even."
  • My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
  • Two deer walk out of a gay bar. The one deer turns to his friend and says "Man, I blew like 30 bucks in there."
  • A friend of mine told me today that he doesn't understand cloning... That makes two of us I said.

Two Dogs Jokes

Here is a list of funny two dogs jokes and even better two dogs puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up. But it made her even more upset.
    She screamed at me saying, What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?
  • My neighbor has two German Shepards that he has named "Rolex" and "Timex".... They're watch dogs
  • I've been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.
    He still won't tell me who's a good boy.
  • Two dogs are sitting in a bar. The first says, "wanna hear a joke?" The second dog says "sure!" The first dog says "knock knock." The second says... WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!
  • My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.
    She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
  • I bought two Rottweilers and named them Rolex and Omega They're watch dogs...
  • It was so hot today... That I actually saw two fire hydrants fighting over a dog.
  • My neighbor just walked by with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."
    He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sister's."
    I said, "Wow, your sisters are ugly!"
  • What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog
  • My girlfriends dog died recently So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.
    She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Father Of Two Jokes

Here is a list of funny father of two jokes and even better father of two puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees"
    The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!"
  • I feel severely let down by two people in my life. My father, my mother, and my mathematics teacher.
  • King Henry VIII had six wives. He beheaded two of them. Those were his axe wives.
    (this joke is courtesy of my father)
  • A chinese couple had a baby The baby turned out to be white. The father looked sternly at the mother and said: "Two Wongs don't make a white."
  • When I was born my father said "Now I'm certain I want two children!" I was the third.
  • I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes... because he left when I was 2.
  • Johnny's mother called his father at work... "Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"
    "Keep feeding him nickles!"
  • My son's team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards. It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
  • French dad joke of two potatoes. One of them is ran over, and the other says:
    – Oh purée! [meaning both “Oh my goodness!” and “Oh, mashed potatoes!”]
  • Two synonymous sentences could have absolutely different meanings. 1. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
    2.Sorry daddy, I've been naughty.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about two can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of two puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Two Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about two you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make two prank.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.

Obama smoked w**... growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. A bacon tree ! We're saved! He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have s**...?

Micro trans-action

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

two h**... trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the o**... turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about s**...? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma.

It's a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin...Sorry if it is not funny enough for you

him: Knock knock
me: Who's there?
him: A snail
me: a snail who?
him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little b**... didn't stand a chance…

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, We're looking for two child molesters.
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
We'll do it.

n**... painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties.

Now they're spreading like wildfire.

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the o**... turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
 
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
 
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
 
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
 
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
 
W : Up

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

My girlfriend looked at me with her s**... eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.

A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two s**... 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have s**... with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks
\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
\- Guess I'm swimming then...

Two Jews are arguing before the Rabbi

J1: "Black is a color!"
J2: "NO! it is not!"
J1: "It is a color!"
J2: "Rabbi, is black a color?"
Rabbi: "Well, sure..."
J1: "See, I told you. And so is white!"
J2: "White is not a color!"
J1: "Rabbi?"
Rabbi: "Well, yes, white is a color"
J1: "See, I told you Moishe, I sold you a *color* TV"

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now
2nd Edit- One Now
3rd Edit- Nevermind
4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I'm dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

I thought of having a t**...

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane. 
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. 
The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.  
Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.
He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Batman: *buys catwoman a drink*

Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck.

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

Rick and Morty 9/11 joke

Rick and Morty fly around the two towers but instead attack the harbor.
Rick: Honestly, I’m proud of us for not …
Morty: Totally, would have been cheap ...
Rick: Low-hanging fruit. We’re better than that.
Morty: We almost did a 9/11, we went with the Pearl Harbor. We’re pretty classy !

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"

My 4 year oldest favourit joke, which he very proudly memorized and told all his teachers.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Kim and Kanye's divorce is rough on their son, North West.

It's like he's getting pulled in two different directions.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.

Moishe: Black is a color
Abram: No it is not.
Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.
Abram: No, it's not.
They go to the rabbi.
Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.
Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.
Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,
Moishe: Yes it is.
Abram: No, it is not.
Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.
Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV.

*Creating password*

"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
^Edited ^for ^better ^understanding

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?
and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

Premarital s**...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these two jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.