Two Irishmen Jokes
43 two irishmen jokes and hilarious two irishmen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two irishmen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Two Irishmen Short Jokes
Short two irishmen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two irishmen humour may include short irish man jokes also.
- Two Irishmen are walking down the street looking for a job. One sees a sign that says, "Tree fellers wanted." He turns to his companion and says, "Aye, 'tis a pity dere's only the two of us!"
- Two Irishmen are talking ... One says to the other "Y'know, green is my favourite colour in the whole world! In fact, I like it more than blue and yellow combined!"
- Two Irishmen sitting in a car Maclea : stick your head out the window and tell me if the indicator is working"
Torrance : sure thing
[Pause]
Torrance : Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no - Two gay Irishmen decided to change their names. They became William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam
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Two Irishmen One Liners
Which two irishmen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two irishmen? I can suggest the ones about irish people and irishman welshman.
- New book out on gay marriage by two Irishmen. Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
- Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. Wait, what am I saying? That'll never happen. Never mind.
- There were two gay Irishmen John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn
- How were drinking glasses invented? By two Irishmen fighting over a bottle of whiskey.
- How many drinks does it take for two irishmen to fight to the death? None
- Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fits Michael
Two Irishmen Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about two irishmen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean englishman irishman and scotsman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two irishmen pranks.
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Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes.
One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes.
One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.....
With some luck they managed to bag Six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only Four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six as well! The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours!?!"
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the extra load of the Moose and promptly went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, p**... and m**... survived the c**....
After climbing out of the wreckage, p**... asked m**..., "Any idea where we are?"
m**... replied....... "I can't be sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
There's these two Irish guys...
And it's St. Patty's Day, so the two are getting blasted. In their drunken stupor, they strike up a conversation.
The first Irishman goes, "Hey there Laddie, where are ya from?"
The second one replies, "Oh me? I'm straight from Ireland!"
The first Irishman smiles brightly, "NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
The two Irishmen down their drinks and keep chatting.
"Well, where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
Again, they down their drinks as their excitement (and drunkenness) increase.
"Well, did you know Ol' Johnny Brennan?!?"
"He was one of my best friends!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
While the two Irishmen are finishing their drinks, another partron comes and sits at the bar. When the bartender comes over, the newcomer says, "How's it going Mickey!"
Mickey, the bartender, replies, "Pretty good, pretty good. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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One wish
Two Irishmen go on a cruise. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the two Irishmen escape on a lifeboat. They floated about for a couple days, hoping to be rescued. On the third day one of the men notices a bottle floating near the lifeboat.
"Wouldn't it be cool if there were a genie in the bottle?", he asked. Without hesitation the other man picked the bottle up and rubbed, and whoosh, out pops the genie.
"I am a powerful genie, but I can only grant one wish," the genie shouts.
Before the other man could even get in a word
"I wish the ocean was nothing but Guinness."
And whoosh the genie grants the wish and disappears.
"No, you idiot, now we have to pee in the boat."
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My two favorite "screw in a lightbulb" jokes
**How many irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?**
21. 1 to hold the bulb, and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
**How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?**
Just Juan.
2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
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Two Irishmen purchase horses from a farmer
As they ride away, one says to the other "p**..., how are we to tell our two horses apart?".
"Well, Seamus, 'tis simple: I'll cut my horse's ear, and that will show us it's my horse!"...and he cuts his horse's ear.
Ten minutes down the road, they run into some brambles, and Seamus' horse's ear gets an identical cut in its ear.
This causes the same argument to come up again, until p**... says "Seamus, I'll cut my horse's tail off, and that will show us it's my horse!"
Seamus finds this acceptable, until, ten minutes later, they encounter MORE brambles, which rip off Seamus' horse's tail just like p**...'s.
They ride and ponder the problem for a mile or so, until p**... suddenly proclaims "I've got it Seamus! You keep using the black horse, and I'll keep using the brown one!"
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Two Irishmen were fishing in a lake...
...when one of them caught a strange-looking lamp. After pulling it off his line, a genie appeared and said, "None of this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so you better make it good."
The man who caught the lamp blurts out, "I wish every lake, ocean, and river on Earth were made entirely out of beer!"
The genie snaps his fingers and says, "Done." and then disappears.
The other fisherman smacks his partner across his face and says, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in d**......
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to p**..., 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
p**... and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
p**... watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, p**... shakes his head and says, f**... dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too f**...'n dangerous for me!'
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Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department.
p**... would dig a hole and m**... would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, p**... digging a hole, and m**... filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked p**..., I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it:why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?
p**... wiped his brow and sighed, Well, we're normally a three-person team, but today the lad who plants the trees called in sick .
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Two Irishmen sitting by the road...
Two Irishmen are sitting by the road when a truck loaded with rolls of turf (sod) drives past.
"Aye, p**.... That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich."
"What's that then Declan?"
"I'm going to send my grass away to be mowed."
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Two Irishmen are doing roadwork outside a brothel.
They see a rabbi approach. The rabbi looks around carefully and then slips inside.
"Ah, would'ya look at that!" says one man to the other. "A man o' the cloth even! d**... shame..."
Shortly after this, a Protestant minister walks up to the brothel before surreptitiously going in.
"Outrageous!" the road worker says. "No wonder our kids today are so confused!"
Finally, a Catholic priest approaches, looks over his shoulder, then darts in.
"Ah, will ya look at that!" says the road worker. "One o' the poor lasses must be sick."
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Have you heard the one about the two Irishmen who went to London to donate s**...?
Patrick missed the tube and Shamus came on the bus.
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Two Irishmen are walking along the beach and they see a dog turned around l**... himself.
One of the Irishmen says, Don't ya wish you could do that?
And the other says, Sure, but I'd be afraid he'd bite me!
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Two Irishmen have a bright idea...
p**... and Murphy are working on a building site. p**... says to Murphy,
"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: "p**..., go home. You've gone mad."
So p**... leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.
"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.
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Two Irishmen are driving in a car
p**... turns to p**... and says: "Hey p**..., can you check if the indicator is working?"
p**... leans out of the window and shouts: "YES! no. YES! no. YES! no."
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Two Irishmen are nailing a floor
Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. m**... sees him and asks what he's doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
m**... - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...
2man Team
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
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Two Irishmen leave a f**...
One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"
Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night
The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate . The other man gratefully takes a big swig and passes it back. The first man caps the bottle and starts to put it away when the other says aren't you going to have one? He says no, I'm gonna wait for the police to get here .
Two Hardworking Irishmen
Two Irishmen were working hard one day. One man
was digging these foot deep holes and the second man would follow him and fill the hole with dirt.
One bystander saw the two and was very confused on what they were trying to accomplish so he decided to ask. Excuse me sirs says the civilian, I appreciate the hard work you two are doing but what are you hoping to accomplish ?
The Irishman responds , Ya I could see where you might be confused . You see usually there is a third one of us who places a seed in the hole but he called in sick today .
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
Jewish man gets stopped at a checkpoint in Ireland by two Irishmen with rifles.
"Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?"
Man: "I'm jewish!"
Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard)
"Jewish catholic or jewish protestant?"
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Two Irishmen lose their oars
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!
The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams you m**...! Your haste decision has s**... us! Now we have to p**... in the boat!
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Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat
They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.
Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns black and foamy, pure Guinness.
"Whadda do that for ya feckin' idjit!" Yells his companion, "Now we have to p**... in the boat!"
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How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
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Two Irishmen are stranded in the middle of the ocean
A bottle bobs up to their boat. One of the Irishmen opens the bottle and a genie comes out.
Thank you for freeing me! , says the Genie. In honour of your deed, I shall grant you one wish.
Before the first Irishman can get a word out, the second says Turn the whole ocean into Guinness!
The ocean turns a glistening black and the genie disappears. The first Irishman hits the second over the head and says,
Way to go, ya bleedin' idiot! Now we have to p**... in the boat!