Two Guys Walk Into A Bar Jokes
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Funniest Two Guys Walk Into A Bar Short Jokes
Short two guys walk into a bar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two guys walk into a bar humour may include short three guys walk into a bar jokes also.
- For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time. Three guys were walking down the street.
Two of them walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked. - My Uncle said this now that there are two popes Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?" - A data analyst walks into a bar and sees two tables.. So he goes over to them and says; "Hey guys, can I join you?"
- Two Jewish guys walk into a bar with a funny looking pile of gold. The bartender asks, "What is this, a racist joke?"
One of the jewish guys say, "No, this is comedy gold!" - Two guys at a bar, one says "My wife drives me to drink." The other says "You're lucky, my wife makes me walk."
- Two nice guys didn't walk into a bar They both insists they would hold the door for each others.
- Two guys walk into a bar The first guy asks for a glass of H2O.
The second guy asks for a glass of H2O too.
The second guy died. - Two almonds Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.
Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?" - Two blind guys walk into a bar. The first one turns to the other and says, "Oh, you didn't see it either."
- Two guys walk into a bar... The first guy looks at the second guy and says... "You ever wonder why we always walk in together?"
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Two Guys Walk Into A Bar One Liners
Which two guys walk into a bar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two guys walk into a bar? I can suggest the ones about three men walk into a bar and a woman walks into a bar.
- Two drunks walk into a bar. Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.
- Two guys walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke?"
- Two guys walk into a bar. Which is weird. You'd think the second guy would have seen it.
- Two guys walk into a Bar. One fails and the other becomes an ace attorney.
- Two guys walk into a bar 3rd guy: "You dummies never learn. Walk around."
- Two Guys Walk Into A Bar The Third goes around.
- Two guys walk into a bar. Why are they kneeling? It's a US flagpole.
- Two guys walk into a BAR and dies, why? Because it's allahu akhBAR.
Sorry. - Two married guys walk into a bar And they love each other!
- So two guys walk into a bar holding holding hands I think I'm at the wrong bar...
- Two guys walked in a bar and said.. The Game.
- Two gay guys walk into a bar in the Middle East...
Witty Two Guys Walk Into A Bar Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about two guys walk into a bar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean animal walks into a bar jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two guys walk into a bar pranks.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots.
"
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now.
One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says,
"Hey, Jake.
Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.
Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do?
Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help.
One is and alcoholic, One is a chain s**... and the other is gay.
The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die.
So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist.
He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain s**... sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain s**... "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales.
The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him.
So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.
The man says, "Let me tell you a story...
One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, "Get off your horse."
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse.
Then he says, "Now drop your pants."
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do?
I take off my pants.
Then he says, "Now s**t."
Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do?
I s**t.
Then he says, "Now eat it."
Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it.
Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns!
I grab them!
Now I say, "Drop your pants."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He drops his pants.
Then I say, "Now s**t."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He s**ts.
Then I say, "Now eat it."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He eats it.
So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."
On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.
He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped."
A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.
When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!
A guy walks into a bar with his dog . . . (VT-UVA)
A guy walks into a bar to watch the Tech-UVA game and has his dog with him.
He asks the bartender if the dog can be in there with him. Why in the world should I allow that? asks the bartender.
Well, when the Hokies score he'll stand on his back legs and walk down the bar and back on just two feet. And when UVA scores, he'll walk on his front paws all the way across the bar, and back.
That's pretty impressive, notes the bartender.
Oh, that's nothing, when Tech wins, he'll do back flips down the length of the bar and back, the owner proudly proclaims.
What will he do when UVA wins? asks the bartender.
Dunno, he's only 8 years old.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls night out
Two young married women were having a girls night out on the town. Walking home from the bar they both realized they needed to pee. They saw a cemetary across the street and decided to go behind the headstones. Having nothing to wipe with, the first girl takes off her p**..., wipes, then tosses them. The second girl doesn't want to toss her expensive p**... so she grabs a card out of some flowers and uses that. Giggling, they continue home.
The next morning the husband of the first girl calls the husband of the second and says "these girls nights out have to stop! My wife came home without her underwear last night!" The second husband says "you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card between her butcheeks that said We'll all miss you! Lots of love, the guys at firestation #19!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
s**... back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a b**...?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, This Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar...
And takes a seat in front of the bartender.
"Would you like to here a great blonde joke?" He asks.
The bartender leans in close and says,
"Well, the priest and rabbi to your right are blonde. The two cheerleaders to your left are blonde and, to top it all off, I'M blonde. You still want to tell that joke buddy?"
The blind guy takes a moment to think about it and says
"Nah. I'd rather not have to explain it five times."
This Joke Is A Real Lemon
A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.
So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Good Blonde Joke
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar and orders a drink. He sits for a while and doesnt hear much so he asks if anyone wants to hear a blonde joke. The bartender says, before you tell your joke I want you to know that there is a big blonde softball player sitting next to you, two blondes that cage fight playing pool behind you, and I myself am a blonde female hockey player...So, do you still want to tell you joke? No. The man replies, not if Im going to have to explain it four times!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is talking to two women in a bar...
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be
conjoined twins and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.
She says, "Is that a t**... in the corner? I'd love to play your
t**...."
So she plays it while he screws her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment
building.
One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "I don't know...do you think he'd remember us?"
Two black eyes
A man walks into a bar and sits down with his buddies. His buddies look up at him a notice that he now has two black eyes that he didnt have earlier. So they ask him what happened.
The man explains " well i was out at the mall today and i was riding up the escalator you see, and there was a woman up infront of me. I looked her over and noticed that her skirt was visibly stuck in her buttcrack. So me, trying to be a nice guy i reach up and pulled it out for her. She turned around lookin' awful upset and punched me square in my left eye."
The guys all laugh, but then one asks. "well how did you get the other black eye?"
The man explains "well i figured if she was so mad that i pulled her skirt out, that maybe she wanted it there. So i poked my finger in there to put it back."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, etc. The bartender pours two beers and says, "Hey, you guys ought to know your limits."
My (second) favorite joke of all time (sorry if repost)
So two guys are walking their dogs one day, one has a German Shepherd the other has a Chihuahua. They pass by a bar and the guy with the German Shepherd turns to the guy with the Chihuahua and asks if he wants to go in for a drink. The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You're crazy, they'll never let dogs into the bar." to which the guy with the German shepherd replies, "No no, watch this."
He pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses, puts them on and walks into the bar, acting as if his German Shepherd is a seeing eye dog. He goes up to the counter, asks for a drink and the bartender gets it for him no problem.
So the guy with the Chihuahua pulls out a pair of dark sunglasses, puts them on and walks in, acting like his Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog. The guy asks for a drink and the bartender replies, "I'm sorry sir there are no dogs allowed in this bar."
"Hey man, it's a seeing eye dog, c'mon."
The bartender looks skeptically down at the Chihuahua and asks, "A Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?"
The guy pauses for a second then exclaims, "Wait, they gave me a *Chihuahua?!?*"
A Man Walks Into A Bar.....
He says to the bartender gimme a shot of whiskey. He get's it and downs it. He then says get me a glass of whiskey, he get's that and downs it. Then he asks for a pint of whiskey, the bartender says "Well he won't down this one" the guy downs it. by now he's swaying and staggering, he then asks for two pints of whiskey. The bartender says "Why are you downing all these whiskeys so fast?" the guy replies "Because I've only got 50 pence"
I finally came up with a good punchline for the "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar" joke
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a third of a pint, and the fourth one is about to order when the bartender waves him off and pours two full pints. Whoa whoa, hold on, says the mathematician, How do you know we're all here? The bartender replies, Well, when I saw that guy wearing the brace on his right side I figured you were all set.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man at a gay bar
So a man walks into a gay bar and sits between two gay guys, the one gay guy leans over and says " you don't mind if I rip one do you?" , the man says "no" so the guy lifts his leg up and "whoooooosh". The second gay guy leans over and says " you don't mind if I rip one do you?" , the man says "no" so the guy lifts his leg up and "whoooooosh". Then the man says " well since you all are doing it, I might as well rip one" , so he lifts his leg and "fllplhghgplghglgpglhg". The one gay guy looks at the other one and says "pffft, v**...".
An old Irishman walks into a bar.
Upon seating the bartender walks down to the old fellow and asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have 3 Guinness, one for me and two for me sons back home in Ireland." The bartender considers his request and pours and sets 3 pints in front of the old guy. The old man slowly drinks all three Guinness and leaves. This goes on for several months. One day the Irishman orders two Guinness. The bartender has learned a little about the old man and his sons and feels he has come to respect the old man and is concerned. "I don't mean to intrude or get personal," says the bartender, "but I couldn't help but notice you only ordered two Guinness today. Are both your sons okay?"
The old man looks to the bartender with a smile and says,"That's mighty kind of ya lad. My sons are fine. I just quit drinking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do It Yourself?
Two Guys are walking down the street after leaving the bar. When they look across the street and see a dog l**... himself. The o**... goes to the other, "man I wish i could do that", and then his friend says, "Don't you think you should try petting him first?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar
and at the end of the bar sits this huge jar filled to the brim with dollar bills. He goes to the bartender and asks "What's that Jar for?"
The bartender says "We have an on going contest where if you enter it you put a dollar in the jar and if you win you get the whole jar and its contents."
The guy is intrigued and asks what the contest is.
The bartender says "well first you need to drink a bottle of whisky and then go out back and drain the abscesses of two rottweillers. After that you need to go upstairs and have s**... with an 80 year old v**...."
The man says "That is easy." He puts a dollar in the jar and c**... a bottle of whisky. He then proceeds to go out back.
The inside of the bar then hears the dogs whining and whimpering for a few minutes until the man stumbles back in slurring "Now wheres the 80 year old with the abscesses?"
Two friends are walking their dogs...
One has a German shepherd, the other a chihuahua. The one with the German Shepherd says to the other "Hey, let's stop at the bar and have a beer"
"They don't allow dogs at the bar"
"Don't worry, just do what I do"
The man with the Shepherd walks in, and the bartender goes: "Excuse me, we don't allow dogs in here"
"This is a seeing-eye dog"
"I'm sorry! please come in"
The guy with the Chihuahua walks in.
Bartender: "Excuse me, we don't allow dogs here"
"This is a seeing-eye dog"
"Sir, that's a chihuahua"
"THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA??"
Bartender: "I'm sorry! Please come on in"
Two guys walking their dogs see a bar across the street...
"Man a beer would be delicious right about now" says one. His friend says, "But there's a sign in the window - 'NO DOGS ALLOWED'." First guy says, "No problem - watch this", puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks in to the bar. Second guy watches him go in and be seated by the bartender who brings him a frosty pint. He thinks "good idea!" and does the same - until the bartender sees him and says "HEY! The sign says NO DOGS ALLOWED." Guy says, "But this is my seeing-eye-dog!" Bartender says "Who ever heard of a chihuahua as a seeing-eye-dog?!?" Guy says, "WHOA!! They gave me a Chihuahua??"xs
Two guys were walking their dogs....
Two guys were walking their dogs-one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay-it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
My grandfather used to run marathons.
Every year while he was in his 20's and 30's, he'd go and participate in the local run. There was a guy who showed up every year, didn't even live in the town. Bit creepy, to be honest, but an alright guy. Anyway, he'd walk up to my grandfather, every year, in these same green sunglasses. He'd tell a story about two priests walking in to a bar, and they couldn't be served for some reason or another. He doesn't remember all the details. But this same guy walked up to the starting line, and told the same story, every year.
The story was never that interesting, but it became a bit of a running joke between them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... and Himmer walk into a bar...
The barman comes over, does a double-take, then askes them for a drink. h**... orders two brandys. After the barman returns and places the drinks in front of them he says-"I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend, but you guys look a lot like h**... and Himmler." h**... responds -" well that's because it is us." Shocked, the barman asks where have they been all this time, to which Himmler responds-"actually, we have been making preparations for our next plan. Would you like to hear it?" The barman says ok, so Himmler continues-"we plan on killing ten million jews and a dj." The barman asks -"why a dj?" to which Himmler turns to h**... and says-"see, no one cares about the jews."
Two Flies in a bar
One fly is sitting at the bar and his friend walks in shivering, covered in frost.
"What's happened to you?" he asks.
"I rode down in here in a big guy's mustache. He got on his motorcycle and just muscled through the storm." The second fly responded.
"Oh, well next time, what you should do is find a beautiful woman with a big bush, snuggle in there and you'll be fine the whole trip."
The next day the first fly is waiting at the bar and the second fly comes in shivering and covered in frost again.
"What happened, didn't you take my advice?" he asks.
"I did, I did," the second fly responds. "I went to sleep nestled down in the bush, and when I woke up I was back in the Biker's Mustache again"
Music theory joke
So I was in my second year theory class and the teacher was working with students individually at the piano on compositions.
It started to get loud so the professor said, "Alright, unless you are telling jokes about secondary dominants, there shouldn't be any laughing."
I immediately raise my hand and after being called on I say; "So this hemiola, this secondary dominant and this anacrusis all walk into a bar".
The professor asks if there is punch line and I respond; "Of course, the anacrusis says to the other two, hey I bet I get picked up before you guys do"!
Killed it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Homeless and thirsty.
Two homeless guys were sitting around and wanting a drink. With only a couple bucks in between them they realized that was barely one beer. Hobo A takes the money and heads out. He comes back with a pack of hot dogs. Hobo B yells at him for bringing back food instead of beer. Hobo A says "Trust me. Just put one of the hot dogs in your pants." They walk into a bar and order a couple of rounds. when the bill came Hobo A unzips B's pants and starts s**... on the hot dog. The bartender yells for security to throw them out immediately. Without paying the tab they get thrown out and goes to the next bar. They repeat this for 5 bars. Once they got back to their sleeping area Hobo A says "See? I told you it was a great idea! Good and drunk for free!" Hobo B says "You have no idea. I lost the pack of hot dogs in the first bar!"
Two friends, Java and C, are sitting in a bar late one night having a chat.
Two friends, Java and C, are sitting in a bar late one night having a chat. Intrigued by their exotic languages, a steady stream of guys have been walking over to hit on them. However, they're all paying a lot more attention to Java, leaving poor C stuck in a loop back and forth to the bar.
After a few more iterations, C's feeling a little tipsy. Eventually, she plucks up some courage and asks the next guy why he's so keen on Java and not her.
He replies: "It's nothing personal C, really. I just prefer girls with a little more class."
A marine returns from Afghanistan without arms, walks into a bar...
The bartender, who's a former Marine, sees the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves the foaming glass in front of him. "This one is on the house bro", he says.
"Thanks man," said the customer.
"Look, I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind ad to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly. Anything for a fellow Marine" And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "You'd reach in my right-hand pants pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."
The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...
The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's *SemperFi* tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.
"This one is on the house bro", he says.
"Thanks man," said the patron.
"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure" said the bartender, and he patiently holds it while the vet sips back the frosty nectar.
"If," says the armless man, "you'd reach in my right-hand pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."
The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more."...
**"Where is the men's room?"**
The bartender's face suddenly turns flush...
"Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks - there's a gas station on the corner."
Science Joke
Two men walk into a bar. One says, I would like a glass of H20. The other guy says I would like some H20 TOO. The second guy dies...
Two guys walk into a bar..
the bartender asks, "what can I get you?"
The third guy says: "legs".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two white guys, Tyronne and D'Andre, walk into a bar...
What? That could happen, you racist!
Two escaped prisoners walk into a bar...
Bartender says "Hey, before you guys head home, both of you gotta take a shot!"
A Very Short Man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"
A Little Man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Happy Hour
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"
Bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"
Bartender replies again: "Two cents."
The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?"
Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife."
Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"
Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
o**... walks in to bar
He sats in the middle of two guys drinking water and he tells nothing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls from England?
A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
The Bar Joke That Got Me My Bestfriend
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender...
"I'll have a beer," he says.
"That'll be a dollar", replies the bartender.
"A dollar!?", shouts the man, "In that case, I will have a steak and a burger too."
The bartender says, "That will be two dollars."
The man exclaims, "What?! Where is the owner of this bar?"
"Upstairs with my wife", says the bartender.
"What's he doing with your wife?" asks the man.
The bartender responds, "The same thing I am doing to his business."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three members of the k**... walk into a bar...
They sit at the back in full costume.
The first k**... thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The second k**... thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The third k**... thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"
A guy walks into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.
The bartender stops him and says "I'm Polish. You see the guy over there - he's the owner of this bar and he's Polish. You see these two big guys drinking beer beside you - they're Polish. You still want to tell your joke?" The guy thinks about it and says "No, I don't want to tell it anymore. Nobody will get it."
Donald Trump walks into a bar with two guys, one named Moe Lester and the other Ray P. Kreap.
Bartender asks Moe Lester and Ray P. Kreap how they know Trump.
Trump answers, "Women are always screaming out their names when I touch them, so I figured they'd make great wingmen."
A guy meets his buddy at the bar.
He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".
Guy walks into a bar with two Bananas in his ears...
Guy walks into a bar with two Bananas in his ears...
Bartender says "Hey man, what's up with the Bananas?!?"
Guy says "What?"
A girl walks out of a bar...
She's approached by two guys. They tell her to climb a tree, and they'll give her $5. She does it, then goes home to tell her roommate. Her roommate says "They only did it to see your underwear." The next day, the girl goes to the same bar. Again, the two guys ask her to climb the tree for $5. AGAIN, she does it. She goes home to show her roommate the 5$. Unimpressed the roommate says "they tricked you again!?." The girl says "NO, I tricked them, I wasn't wearing any underwear!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
He downs them all, pays, and leaves. The bartender was a bit confused at it, but not enough to ask why. The next day, the same thing. And the next. The bartender's curiosity is piqued at this point, so he asks the man why he keeps buying 3 beers. He explains, "My 2 buddies and I used to drink together every night. Since they've shipped away, I've decided to drink their beers in their honor so I may never forget." A noble effort, the bartender thinks, so he gladly serves the man 3 beers every night. One night, the man only orders 2 beers. The bartender asks him why only two, and the man responds, "I've decided to stop drinking."
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a dinner menu.
The bartender hands him a dart. Puzzled, the guy asks the bartender why he gave him a dart instead of a menu.
The bartender points up to the ceiling and says "I'll make you a bet. Do you see those two ribeye steaks above you? If you can throw the dart up and make it stick to one of them, I'll give you all the drinks you want tonight and both steaks for free. If not then you have to buy a round of drinks for everyone.. What'll it be?"
After a few seconds of thinking, the guy hands the bartender back the dart and says "Nah, the steaks are too high."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are drinking away their sorrows...
In a bar high above the city when one says to the other "I think I want to kill myself." They other guy says "You know what? Me too. Let's do it." They walk over to the window and both jump out.
A few minutes later the second guy walks in the door and sits back down at the bar. The bartender says:"You sure are a mean drunk, Superman."
Two guys walk into a bar
They walk up to the robot bartender and the first guy says "I'll have an h2o." The second guy says "I'll have an h2o too!" The robot bartender then murders them both because Elon Musk was right about AI.
Two guys walk into a bar, and one of them orders a mushroom soup.
The other guy asks him how the mushroom soup tastes, to which he responds "It's good, but there is mushroom for improvement"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar...
He says "ouch!" the bartender says "what happened" the guy says "I walked into your bar!"
The tender comes around and see's a piece of rebar sticking out of the wall. "Yikes, here come take a seat at the bar and ill pour you a drink"... He turns around to see the man sitting on the ground beneath the rebar.
"What the heck are you doing?"
"Well im sitting at your bar d**...!"
The bartender raises his eyebrows and grabs a putty knife and a container from behind the counter, next he pushes the rebar back into the drywall and hands the guy the two things.
"Well, if you are going to sit at my bar you might as well get plastered".
Two guys walk into a bar...
They look around, and see that at one table, there's a rabbi, a priest, and an imman. At another there's an Irishman, a Scottsman, and a Brit. At a third there's a blonde, a brunette, and a readhead. Up at the bar, sits a dog with a bandaged paw.
Guy looks to his friend and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'
Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.
After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar...
He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."
Two guys walk into a bar...
The bartender walks over...
Another guy walks out of the bar...
People are just walking around.
Two black guys walk into a bar...
The bartender looks around and says... what'll you two fine gentlemen have? And they paid their tab, and couldn't have been more courteous.
Two nice guys walked into a bar at the same time. One of them holds the door to tell the other to go first.
They both never went in.
Alright, are you people ready for the best joke ever!?!?...
Two guys walk into a bar, one is a king and one is not...
Yeah that's the joke. The joke is that it is a bad joke.. Ha ha ha....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar, slams $20 down and asks for a v**.... The barman serves the drink and enquires about his problem...
"I just found out my brother is gay", says the guy. "Man, that's tough," says the barman. Two weeks later the same guy goes to the bar again, and slams another $20 on the bar. The barman again enquires about his problem."I just found out my father is gay too!" says the guy. "Wow your family is s**... up," says the barman. Two weeks later, the guy walks into the bar again. Before he has a chance to take out any money, the bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, does anyone in your family even like to sleep with women?". "Yes", replies the guy, "my wife."
Guide dogs
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, Let's go in there for a pint.
The second guy says, They won't let us in with our dogs.
First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead.
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I can't let you in here with that dog.
He replies, Oh, I'm blind and this is my guide dog.
The bouncer says, Ok then, come on in.
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, You can't come in here with a dog.
He replies, I'm blind and this is my guide dog.
The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?
The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?
A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....
....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o'clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says I bet you $100 he does it. Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...
A few minutes later, bartender comes back. I'm sorry man, I can't take your money. I won't lie, I saw this guy on the noon news, I knew he was gonna jump. Customer replies No, no, you won it fair and square. I saw the noon news too, but It looked so rough I never thought he'd do it twice!!
