Two Guys Jokes
123 two guys jokes and hilarious two guys puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two guys that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Two Guys Short Jokes
Short two guys jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two guys humour may include short jokes also.
- How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
- I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me
- Two guys are playing chess. One says to the other, "How about we make this more interesting?"
So they stop playing chess. - I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes... The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
- For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time. Three guys were walking down the street.
Two of them walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked. - Today I saw two blind guys fighting... Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"
- The other day i saw two blind guys fighting I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!
They run away from each other - Saw two blind people fighting today. I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.
- I saw two blind guys fist fighting, I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away. - Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar they each got six months.
I'm so sorry....
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Two Guys One Liners
Which two guys one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two guys? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Two guys stole a calendar They both got 6 months
- Heard about the two guys who stole a calendar? They both got 6 months
- Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.
- You hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
- What has two thumbs and never takes the blame? That guy
- What do you call two guys above a window? Kurt and Rod
- Have you heard about the two guys who tried to steal a calendar? They each got six months
- Two Irish guys are leaving a pub Hey. It could happen
- how to stop two blind guys from fighting Yell "HE HAS A KNIFE"
- What's 96? Two guys at a sleepover
- What do you call a guy with two marijuanas? Double jointed.
- They have a term for a guy like Trump. Not two terms.
Just one term. - What do you call two homeless guys trowing stones to each other? PILLOW FIGHT!!
- What do you call two gay Irish guys? Ryan Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzryan.
- What happens when you put two gay guys in a blender? It becomes a Grindr
Two Guys Walk Into A Bar Jokes
Here is a list of funny two guys walk into a bar jokes and even better two guys walk into a bar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem, He asked for two shots of…
He was cut off by the bartender saying: you only get one shot. - My Uncle said this now that there are two popes Two popes walk into a bar with Yankee caps on.
The bartender says, "Didn't you guys use to be Cardinals?" - A data analyst walks into a bar and sees two tables.. So he goes over to them and says; "Hey guys, can I join you?"
- So a guy walks into a bar where Eminem is the bartender Guy: Two shots please
eminem: You only get one shot - Two Jewish guys walk into a bar with a funny looking pile of gold. The bartender asks, "What is this, a racist joke?"
One of the jewish guys say, "No, this is comedy gold!" - Two guys at a bar, one says "My wife drives me to drink." The other says "You're lucky, my wife makes me walk."
- Two drunks walk into a bar. Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.
- Two jumper cables walk into a bar.. The bartender says "I'm gonna serve you guys, but you have to promise not to start something".
- Two guys walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke?"
- Two guys walk into a bar. Which is weird. You'd think the second guy would have seen it.
Two Guys Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about two guys you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two guys pranks.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
s**... back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a b**...?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"
Two guys are walking down a dark alley
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...
...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".
My Favorite Math Joke
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.
Aids or Alzheimer's
A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."
"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have s**... with her."
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
Two men are walking down the street
When they see 3 guys across the road beating up an older woman. Fred turns to George and says
"Hey, isn't that your mother in law over there?"
"So it is." replies George
"Well aren't you going to help?!" Fred asked.
"Nah," George replied, "I think 3 should be enough"
Bench Bros...
Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a b**... coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. o**... turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"
Two nuns
Two nuns are sitting on a bench. A guy in a trench coat comes up and flashes them. One of the nuns has a s**.... The other couldn't quite reach.
IT guy
John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "
So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."
Two Blondes
Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto;
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night"
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.
The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...
To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a bakery...
To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)
A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together
A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"
A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs
The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes.....
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
Two Blondes meet up for coffee...
Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician orders half a beer. The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth mathematician orders an eighth of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the rather annoyed bartender slams two beers down on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits!"
the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.
So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'
Girls from England?
A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
Three members of the k**... walk into a bar...
They sit at the back in full costume.
The first k**... thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The second k**... thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The third k**... thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".
Smoking two cigarettes at once
A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first says, "I'll have a beer."
The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer."
The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer."
Frustrated, the bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "You guys should know your limits."
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US...
Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."
Two guys in a communal shower...
Guy1: You wanna play the r**... game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!
A guy meets his buddy at the bar.
He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
An old man dies and goes up to heaven
He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only o**... in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".
Two guys were sitting in a bar, when o**... said to the other:
Two guys were sitting in a bar, when o**... said to the other: "Don't you hate it when they repeat the title in the post?"
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
Two guys were walking though the Sahara
They suddenly see a tiger approaching .
o**... throws sand in the tiger's eyes and he runs away.
The other guy keeps standing still.
"RUN MAN, WHY ARE YOU STANDING STILL??"
"Well I didn't throw the sand at him"
I saw two guys walking down the street in matching clothing.
I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.
I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them.
I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial
A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.
Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"They're all at the f**...."
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!
Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.
The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".
A guy gets thrown out of a bar.
Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.
The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.
"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.
The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."
Today I saw two guys on the street in matching outfits so I asked them: Are you gay?
They arrested me.
A guy walks into a bar...
He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. o**... says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
Two pieces of Road walk into a bar
They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.
15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.
The bartender notices this and goes over to them and says I thought you two were the toughest they come, why are you scared of that small, quiet guy? They respond with:
You should be careful with him, He's a Cycle Path
In high school, I was dared to play gay chicken , which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay and the first one to chicken out loses...
The other guy and I are really stubborn, and neither of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect he is actually gay.
two h**... trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the o**... turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .
A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You're clearly smuggling *something* across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.". The guy says "I'm smuggling motorcycles"
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the o**... turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".
Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant
o**... goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.
"What are you doing?!" he yells
"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back
"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"
"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"
(Just a silly joke my granddad told me yesterday. Didnt see it when I searched the sub so figured yall might enjoy)
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
2 guys walk into a bar
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts o**... to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
A man finds a genie in a bottle
He rubs it. A genie pops out "you have two wishes"
The guy says "hold up, aren't I supposed to get three wishes?"
the genie replies "Check your pants"
The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says "how did you know?"
Genie says "I've been doin this a while."
Picked up a hitch-hiker.
Seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"
The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.
He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.
"Did you see my face?"
"Yes"
BANG, he shoots him.
He then points it at the second guy.
"Did you see my face?"
The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.
"No, but my mother in law did!"
A woman is walking in a park when she sees two men working.
One man digs a hole, the other fills it back in. The two men go to another spot, the first man digs another hole, and the second man fills it back in. They then go to another spot. Again, the first man digs a hole and the second man fills it back in. They keep doing this for a while until finally the woman walks up to them and asks, "Why do you guys keep digging holes and then filling them back in?"
One of the men responds, "Well, there's usually a third guy who puts in the tree, but he's sick today.
Two blind men.
This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes.
I said: "Break it up guys,What the h**... is going on here!"
Blind man 1:"You owe me fifty dollars!"
Blind man 2: "I don't understand what the h**... his problem is!, I told YOU! ,"I WILL PAY YOU THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!"
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
i tried using an ai to generate a joke with the prompt "two guys walk into a bar"
Two guys walk into a bar.
It's just one, and he's forty.
"what will it be, sir?"
"A water," the guy says.
He takes a sip.
He grimaces and makes a face.
"That's really watery."
"Yes," says the bartender.