Two Grand Jokes

What are some Two Grand jokes?

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle...

they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.

At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor

and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

Three old ladies smoking...

So three old ladies are sitting on a bench in front of a drug store enjoying a nice cigarette. All of a sudden it starts raining. Two of the ladies pull out condoms, unroll them over their burning cigarettes and then continue smoking. The third lady obviously asks about this, to which another lady replies: "Well whenever it starts raining we put a condom over the cigarette which acts like a raincoat and we can keep smoking!" The first lady thinks this is such a grand idea that she gets up and heads into the drug store. She walks all the way to the back counter and tells the pharmacist, "I'd like to buy a box of condoms, please." The pharmacist, a little confused and slightly grossed out, says, "Ok, what size would you like?" The old lady replies, "Oh it doesn't matter. Whatever you think will fit on a Camel.."

Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...

When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"

Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"

"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"

"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"

So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"

"You jews, all you think about is money!"

An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer...

Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.

"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and death alike, so let's raise a glass to the good times in our past and drown our sorrows about my impending demise."

The two of them make a fine night of it, matching each other pint for pint, and by midnight they're roaring drunk. Some of Seamus's friends see them drinking and toasting and come over to see what's going on.

"Well, lads," says Seamus, "'Tis a grand shame, but I'm sorry to say, I'm dying o' AIDS."

"But, Da! You dinna have AIDS - you have cancer! Why would you go and tell them a thing like that?"

"Because, son, I don't want those fellas sleeping with your mother when I'm gone!"

Early, but here's one for the Holidays.

The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.

The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!

"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."

"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"

The secret to a long marriage

A reporter was doing a human interest story for a local newspaper, and was interviewing an elderly couple celebrating sixty years of marriage. The obvious question the reporter posed was "What's the secret to a long marriage?"

"Oh," the man started. "It's all about perseverance. On our honeymoon, we went to the Grand Canyon and rode on mules down the trail. Well, my new wife's mule bucked her off, and she fell on the ground. She just yelled, 'That's ONE!' and got right back on. A couple minutes, the mule did it again, and she yelled, 'That's TWO!' and got right back on. When the mule did it a third time, she yelled, 'That's THREE!' and she took out a gun and shot the mule dead."

The reporter was shocked at the story, and asked, "How does that relate to a long marriage?"

And the man replied, "Well, I told her that was no way to treat a mule, and she looked at me and said 'That's ONE!'"

I had an unrealistic dream about having several thousand dollars last night

Turns out it was two grand.

Part of our choir got kidnapped last week!

Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.

An Irish man goes to the doctor...

An Irish man goes to the Doctor...

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

The patient then says...

"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

Two Muggers and a Pedestrian

A man was walking home from work at midnight through a dark alley. Two Muggers attack him and demand that he gives up every valuable he got. The guy wouldnt so they start fighting. So after fighting for about 10 minutes, everyone was exhausted, the Pedestrian gives up.
The Mugshots search his pockets and find only about $5.
They ask him "Why would you resist that hard for that long to defend only five bucks?

The Pedestrian answers: I was defending the Two Grand that I hid in my Boots you idiots.

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

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