Two Grand Jokes
17 two grand jokes and hilarious two grand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two grand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Two Grand Short Jokes
Short two grand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two grand humour may include short two tall jokes also.
- Since the wife left me I've bought a motorbike, got a dog, slept with two women, and blown a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go mad when she gets home from work.
- Incredible Tennis statistic... Novak is the first person to lose a Grand Slam after only missing two shots.
- I had an unrealistic dream about having several thousand dollars last night Turns out it was two grand.
- Part of our choir got kidnapped last week! Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.
- Did you know that Ariana Grande has two sisters? Their names are Ariana Tall and Ariana Venti.
- I think hospital cafeterias should serve Seizure Salads... They can come in two sizes--Petite and Grand Mal
- Did you hear about the two tinkers that got divorced? Ah it's grand. They're still cousins.
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Two Grand One Liners
Which two grand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two grand? I can suggest the ones about twins and grandpa and grandson.
- What do you call it when two big polish guy's push a car? Grand theft Auto
Gather Around for Heartwarming Two Grand Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about two grand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean two statues jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two grand pranks.
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".
Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...
...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.
"To the Grand Hotel please."
The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."
One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor bc he had a headache?
The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out and found a total of $1,999. Then the doctor said, "no wonder you're not feeling two grand!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in d**......
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to p**..., 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
p**... and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
p**... watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, p**... shakes his head and says, f**... dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too f**...'n dangerous for me!'
Two Muggers and a Pedestrian
A man was walking home from work at midnight through a dark alley. Two Muggers attack him and demand that he gives up every valuable he got. The guy wouldnt so they start fighting. So after fighting for about 10 minutes, everyone was exhausted, the Pedestrian gives up.
The Mugshots search his pockets and find only about $5.
They ask him "Why would you resist that hard for that long to defend only five bucks?
The Pedestrian answers: I was defending the Two Grand that I hid in my Boots you idiots.
An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer...
Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.
"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and death alike, so let's raise a glass to the good times in our past and drown our sorrows about my impending demise."
The two of them make a fine night of it, matching each other pint for pint, and by midnight they're roaring drunk. Some of Seamus's friends see them drinking and toasting and come over to see what's going on.
"Well, lads," says Seamus, "'Tis a grand shame, but I'm sorry to say, I'm dying o' AIDS."
"But, Da! You dinna have AIDS - you have cancer! Why would you go and tell them a thing like that?"
"Because, son, I don't want those fellas sleeping with your mother when I'm gone!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...
When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"
Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these g**... out of ten grand!"
"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get s**... in and you lose your faith?!"
"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"
So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"
"You jews, all you think about is money!"
