When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink .
She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.
and they find a sheep that is caught by the hair in the barbed wire. One of the cowboys drops his pants and gets behind the sheep and goes to town. He's having a great time, and slapping the sheep's ass harder and harder as he builds to his grand finale. After he finishes, he turns to the other cowboy and says "You want some of that?" His friend says "OK, but don't slap me on the ass as hard as you did the sheep."
"Well, let's have a look at i-that's weird." Says the doctor as the man bend's over.
"What is it?"
"You have a rolled up $20 bill sticking out of your butt."
"Well, pull it out!"
The doctor does.
"Umm, now there's a rolled up $10 bill sticking out of your butt."
The doctor retrieves the bill and it's replaced. This goes on. There's $20s,$10s, $5s, $1s, the odd $50 bill and a single hundred. Eventually, it stops.
"How much is there?" Asks the man.
The doctor counts it up. "I've pulled $1,999.00 from your butt"
"That'd be right," says the man, "I wasn't feeling two grand."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, a woman went to her grand parents' house to visit her 95 years-old grand mother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Obviously surprised, the woman told her grandmother that two people having sex when they are nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that fucking fire brigade truck hadn't come along."
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
So three old ladies are sitting on a bench in front of a drug store enjoying a nice cigarette. All of a sudden it starts raining. Two of the ladies pull out condoms, unroll them over their burning cigarettes and then continue smoking. The third lady obviously asks about this, to which another lady replies: "Well whenever it starts raining we put a condom over the cigarette which acts like a raincoat and we can keep smoking!" The first lady thinks this is such a grand idea that she gets up and heads into the drug store. She walks all the way to the back counter and tells the pharmacist, "I'd like to buy a box of condoms, please." The pharmacist, a little confused and slightly grossed out, says, "Ok, what size would you like?" The old lady replies, "Oh it doesn't matter. Whatever you think will fit on a Camel.."
Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"
Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."
"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house.
"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"
"Well Paddy," said Murphy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av one ear."
"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.
Again this worked OK until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"
"Ah, tis is serious," said Murphy, "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail off my pig, ten we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail."
"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"Murphy!" shouted Paddy, "Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we ever gonna tell 'em apart?"
"Ah, fook it!" says Murphy, "How about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"
When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"
Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"
"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"
"Don't worry, Strausman. Once a Jew always a Jew. I'll say *I am found,* I'll do the dunking thing, I'll accept Jesus, badabing badaboom, and Ill walk out with $10,000!"
So Goldberg goes in and an hour later walks out to a worried Strausman. "So? Did you get the ten grand?"
"You jews, all you think about is money!"
Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.
"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and death alike, so let's raise a glass to the good times in our past and drown our sorrows about my impending demise."
The two of them make a fine night of it, matching each other pint for pint, and by midnight they're roaring drunk. Some of Seamus's friends see them drinking and toasting and come over to see what's going on.
"Well, lads," says Seamus, "'Tis a grand shame, but I'm sorry to say, I'm dying o' AIDS."
"But, Da! You dinna have AIDS - you have cancer! Why would you go and tell them a thing like that?"
"Because, son, I don't want those fellas sleeping with your mother when I'm gone!"
The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.
The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!
"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."
"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"
... and they were told to conduct an experiment of their choice. So the bought an elephant and put a cork in its ass and fed it non stop for 3 weeks. The idea was to see if it would all discharge at once. They had everything for the experiment ready: the hired a field had transport of the elephant but none were brave enough to pull out the cork.
They trained a monkey to do it and with the elephant in the middle of the field and the monkey primed to release the cork on their signal they began walking away from the elephant. They stopped 50m away and one of the said "We should be grand here", the two others said a quick prayer and went on walking. they stopped 100m away and of the two one of them said we should definitely be ok here. The third man laughed and carried on walking until he was 200m away.
3...2...1... The monkey pulled out the cork and the man 200m away was up to his knees in shit. He waded up to the guy 100m and he is up to his waist. They come to the conclusion there friend must be dead. Eventually they get to where their friend was and they are up to their necks in shit. They arrive to find him rolling around laughing. The two friends roar at him: "WHAT IS SO FUNNY? YOU ARE COVERED IN SHIT?!". To which the third replies... "you should have seen the monkey try put the cork back in.."
A man has an accident and his penis gets sliced off. He's compensated 40 grand. At the hospital the doctor explains options to the man and his wife: for 20 grand, he can get a 4 inch replacement, for 30 grand a 6 inch and for 40 grand, a huge 8 inches. The doctor explains this and says "I'll leave you two to talk."
5 minutes later the doctor returns and asks if they've decided. The man looks at him and replies, "Yes. we're getting a new kitchen."
A reporter was doing a human interest story for a local newspaper, and was interviewing an elderly couple celebrating sixty years of marriage. The obvious question the reporter posed was "What's the secret to a long marriage?"
"Oh," the man started. "It's all about perseverance. On our honeymoon, we went to the Grand Canyon and rode on mules down the trail. Well, my new wife's mule bucked her off, and she fell on the ground. She just yelled, 'That's ONE!' and got right back on. A couple minutes, the mule did it again, and she yelled, 'That's TWO!' and got right back on. When the mule did it a third time, she yelled, 'That's THREE!' and she took out a gun and shot the mule dead."
The reporter was shocked at the story, and asked, "How does that relate to a long marriage?"
And the man replied, "Well, I told her that was no way to treat a mule, and she looked at me and said 'That's ONE!'"
Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.
Turns out it was two grand.
Joe moves onto a new property in some land near Yellowstone National Park - middle of nowhere, but beautiful.
A few days after unpacking his stuff, Joe sees a pickup truck drive up his long and winding driveway. This cowboy type gets out of the truck and extends his hand with a greeting.
They talk for a bit, when the cowboy says, "You should come over to my place on Friday night for an old fashioned hootenanny. It'll be great. There will be eating and drinking and dancing and fucking and fighting - just a grand ol' time!"
"Sounds great," Joe says. "What should I wear?"
"Don't matter," says the cowboy. "It'll just be the two of us."
A man is sitting on his balcony, overseeing Paris, while getting a blowjob from a 82-year old woman.
Same time, a man is walking a rope spanning the Grand Canyon.
They have exactly the same thought...which?
Don't look down!
An Irish man goes to the Doctor...
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
The patient then says...
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grand children, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .
"Call me Grand-pa-pa"
"Why two pa's?"
"Because it's the 21st century you homophobic bastard child."
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
They can come in two sizes--Petite and Grand Mal
Grand theft Auto
Ah it's grand. They're still cousins.
Their names are Ariana Tall and Ariana Venti.
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