Two Friends Jokes
95 two friends jokes and hilarious two friends puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two friends that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Two Friends Short Jokes
Short two friends jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two friends humour may include short three friends jokes also.
- Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
- When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend But then I saw the next two letters.
- • My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
- When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend. Then I saw the next two letters...
- When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn. 2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
- Two cannibals sat around a campfire One turned to the other and said, "God, I hate my mother-in-law."
His friend said, "Well then try the potatoes." - Two women who are best friends are talking. "Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"
"No."
"So, we'll be enemies then?
"No."
"What would we be then?
"Even." - My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine. I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"
- Two deer walk out of a gay bar. The one deer turns to his friend and says "Man, I blew like 30 bucks in there."
- A friend of mine told me today that he doesn't understand cloning... That makes two of us I said.
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Two Friends One Liners
Which two friends one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two friends? I can suggest the ones about best friends and friends inside.
- My friend said he did not understand cloning at all... I said "that makes two of us".
- My friend said. I don't understand cloning." I said. That makes two of us."
- I once saw my friend fighting a pregnant women So I joined him to make it a two-on-two
- Why did the two werewolves become friends? Because they took a lycan to each other.
- Two students became friends in chemistry class... ...It was a good bonding experience.
- I have a boat big enough for 11 people, or My wife and her two friends.
- Two friends pooled money to buy an instrument They're now in a same-sax relationship
- What's the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter? A ginger with two friends
- I ran two of my friends over with my delivery truck. Now they're my flatmates.
- What do you call two friends who have both been diagnosed with Mesothelioma? Asbesties
- Two individuals decide to spend ramadan together... They were fast friends!
- I don't make friends with people wearing eyepatches. Friendship has two 'i's.
- My friend offered to let me rent 2 of his ermines. He is now the lessor of two weasels.
- I have two friends that are excavators Doug and Phil
- My two Vietnamese friends were fighting but they made up It's a Nguyen Nguyen situation
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Two Friends Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about two friends you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean friends show jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two friends pranks.
There were two friends drinking and one says to the other
I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"
Two friends are arguing...
"Look, I have a colony of ants!"
"Well, I have taller ants than you"
"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"
"Hah, I have an entire tin"
"I got bread!"
"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"
I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me..
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?
Dude 1 and his two friends are talking at a bar - talking about their wives..
Dude 1 says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
Dude 2, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine."
Dude 3, says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Two friends were talking
And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
'I had s**... with my teacher.'
'But I thought you were homeschooled...'
'Yeah...'
Two friends are visiting Wales
Two friends are visiting Wales when they come to the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They are arguing about how to pronounce it, so they decide to go to the fast food restaurant that they are near, and ask the cashier to pronounce the town name.
They ask the cashier "Where am I? Pronounce it slowly for us please."
The cashier replies, "Buurrrrr-guuuurrrrr kiiiiing"
I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend
They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?
I just watched Harry Potter for the first time and it was a little unrealistic
I mean, a ginger with two friends?
Three men are discussing what they think is the fastest thing in the world
The first man says The fastest thing in the world is a thought... I think something and pops into my head
The second man says The fastest thing in the world is light... I turn on the light switch and the room lights up instantly
The third man thinks for a second and says you are both wrong... it's actually Diarrhoea
Confused, The two friends as him how could diarrhoea be the fastest thing in the world?
The third man replies well, the other day when I woke up, before I could even think or turn on the light, it was already too late!
s**... with Twins!
Two friends, Bob and Joe, were playing golf. Bob remarked, "Ya know Joe, last week I had s**... with twins!" "Really?" Joe replied. "How could you tell them apart?" "Well," Bob answered, "the brother had a moustache."
Two friends were having a conversation...
The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning."
"Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?"
"No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."
An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...
All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.
"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."
joke
Two friends were walking by when they saw a poster with a joke on it. It said "Are you cold at the moment? Come to the corner, it's 90 degrees."
"Wow," said the first friend. "That's acute joke."
"Eh, not really." said the second friend. "Actually it's all right."
Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.
Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"
Two guys died in a car c**......
There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."
Two friends meet after a long time.
and begin catching up on old times.
Friend 1: "Hey last time I heard, your engagement fell through. What happened man?"
Friend 2: "Well it was her decision. She decided I'm not good enough for her."
Friend 1: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But you know what? You should have told her about your super rich dad, and how you would inherit his money."
Friend 2: "I did. She's my mom now."
Two friends are talking to each other, and one says to the other,
"I've been kinda worried about you man, you're kinda in a slump right now, you seem kinda depressed."
The other looked at him in a state of shock, and said,
"You're a great friend, but you don't have to worry about me, s**...'ll be the last thing I do."
Two friends meet at a bar
Guy 1: Can you believe i just spent $3000 to cremate my mother-in-law?
Guy 2: Oh really? i only paid $500 to cremate my mother-in-law
Guy 1: Yeah but your mother-in-law was dead...
When I was a kid, I only had two friends and they were imaginary.
It was too bad they only ever played with each other.
Two friends are having a conversation about World War 2
The holocaust wasn't that bad.
Of course it was!
I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown.
Why the clown?
See, no one cares about the Jews.
Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone?
They recently entered into a same-sax relationship.
Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money.
The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."
Two friends are chatting in a bar...
A: I will never understand the way women think.
B: Why do you say that?
A: My wife came home the other day with some revealing l**... and told me "I bought these for you."
B: So?
A: She started yelling at me when I put them on.
Two friends are hunting in the woods
when one says to the other, "Hey, I can see your house from here. Your wife is in the bedroom with some guy!"
The distraught husband says, "Please, I need you to shoot her in the head, and then shoot him in the nuts."
"Easy," the friend says. "I can make that in one shot."
Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...
Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman's dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left b**... cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him.
As the man returned to his seat, his buddy exclaimed, Wow! I've heard of the hine lick maneuver, but I've actually never seen it done before.
Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar.
Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Dave says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Rick and John
Two friends Rick and John meet after a long time in a bar.
Rick: "Last few weeks it is not too bad - I had s**... around twice a week with my girlfriend."
John: "Same here - at least twice a week"
Rick: "Very good. Listen, I was not aware you had a girlfriend, you never told me ?"
John: "Ohh, I thought we are talking about your girlfriend"
Two friends were in jail
The first started writing lines on the wall so they know for how long they've been there. The other one says: Hey, don't write on the wall, they'll kick us out
I have two friends who always compete against each other in art competitions
But they always end in a draw
Two friends meet up, one of them has bandages over his ears
-Hey, man, what happened?
-Well, I was still sleepy when I was ironing my clothes in the morning, I heard my phone ringing and put the iron against my ear!
-Oh man, that's rough. Hold on, you burned your ear, but why is the other one also bandaged?
-I immediately called an ambulance!
Swimming
So i translated this Serbian joke (but i dont speak english good) hope that u will get it
Two friends are talking and one say :
-My mom married again, and my step-father is teaching me how to swim!
-So, how is it going?
-Nice! I already learned how to get myself out of the sack!
Two friends Sam and Terry are spending the day together
As they are walking home down an empty street they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets.
As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry
"Here's the 20 I owe you"
Bernie Madoff's f**...
Sad news today as Bernie Madoff has passed away. Just before he died however, he asked his friends to chip in to pay for his f**.... But if they get two friends each to chip in too, they get their money back!
Lost in africa
Two friends became lost during a safari in Africa. Whilst discussing how to find their way out, they heard a viscous snarl to their left. Upon looking they saw what appeared to be a very hungry leopard. At that sight, one of them bent down and started tightening his shoe laces.
His friend said ''Hey are you crazy!!!! You can't outrun a leopard.''
His friend replied, '' Mate, i don't have to,I just have to outrun you!!!!''
A close friend of a doctor, a dentist, and a lawyer dies
At the f**..., the doctor says to his two friends, Where I come from it is traditional to honor the deceased by placing money on him to take to the grave with his burial. So the other two agree to do this.
The doctor goes up to the coffin and after paying his last respects, places a $100 bill on the body. Next the dentist does the same thing.
Lastly, the lawyer goes up to the coffin, and after paying his last respect, picks up the two $100 bills and leaves a check for $300.
Two friends are sitting around drinking whiskey.
One friend turns to the other and says "I like my whiskey without ice."
The other friend turns to him and says "That's neat."
Two friends were out golfing one morning.
One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a f**... processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is ready to continue.
That was the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It was incredibly touching on your part to take the time to say a prayer for the deceased. Says his friend.
Well, it's the least I can do. After all, we were married for 35 years.
What's the most far fetched thing about Harry Potter ??
Thata ginger would have two friends.
Two friends were comparing their belongings
The first guy goes: 'i have ants'
The second guy : 'well i have taller ants'
The first guy : 'well i got a tube of glue'
The second guy : 'and i have an entire tin of it'
The first guy: 'i got bread as well'
The second guy: 'ugh you win, i can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants.'
Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.
When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.
Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping? The other woman laughed.
No, the woman answered But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.
So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.
Remember the two friends who got the world record for longest staring contest?
Yeah? Well turns out they aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.
Two friends are drinking beers in a bar. o**... says to his friend,"I'm thinking of divorcing my wife,she hasn't spoken to me in almost two months."
His buddy replies, "Better not be to hasty, women like that are hard to find."
Two friends are talking...
"I want to buy a tank!" "Buy it then." "But I don't have the money!" "Borrow it then." "But I don't have the money to pay it back!" "You'll have a tank by then."
Two friends are having a conversation
Friend1 : So, are you still a v**...?
Friend2 : Nope! Lost it last night.
Friend1 : Yeah, as if..
Friend2 : Ask your sister
Friend1 : Joke's on you; I don't have a sister
Friend2 : You will in about 9 months
Two friends are talking , "So what are you doing for summer vacation?"
The other one replies " I want to go to Italy again , like last year"---
"Wow you went to Italy last year?"-----------
" No, but I did want to go "
Two friends go hunting one day...
Suddenly, one of them collapses and does not seem to be breathing. The other pulls out his cell phone and calls the cops. He says, "Help. I think my friend is dead." The cop tells him, "Calm down. First of all, make sure he is actually dead." The cop hears a gunshot on the line and that person say, "Okay, what's the next step?"
Two friends go hunting....
While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.
The Survivor calls 911.
Survivor: My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!
911: Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?
***BANG***
Survivor: Okay, now what?
Two friends are driving through a town...
They see a billboard saying:
v**... + water = kidney problems;
r**... + water = liver problems;
Whiskey + water = heart issues;
Gin + water = brain damage;
Says one to the other dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town
I invited my two friends over for a party as I was trying to Sweden my s**... life, but my wife said "Norway!"
So Dan, Mark and I had our 3-way as usual.
Two friends were talking to each other in a bar...
"I bought my wife a diamond ring for her birthday!", one man proudly exclaimed.
"I thought you said that you were buying her a new car," the other questioned.
"Yeah, but where was I gonna find a fake car?"
Blonde's
An evil genie captured a blonde and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing.
The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst.
The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off.
The blonde brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!
Two friends and a cripple are waiting for a train.
Someone bumps into the cripple and his wheelchair starts moving. He falls between the platforms and can't get back up. Then he hears the train coming.
One of the friends tries to jump in and save him, but the other friend grabs him and says, "You're not supposed to go past the yellow line".
A recent joke from eastern Ukraine
Two friends meet, both native Russian speakers – as is everyone in this region – but one speaks Russian, and the other insists on speaking Ukrainian.
Why are you speaking Ukrainian? asks one friend. Are you afraid Ukrainian nationalists will come and kill you?
No, comes the reply. I'm afraid if Putin hears me speaking Russian, he will come to 'protect' my rights!
I've just bought a pig!
One afternoon, two friends who lived in the same town were chatting.
**I've just bought a pig**, said the first.
You are not kidding but where will you keep it? Your yard's much too small for a pig! said the second.
**I am going to keep it under my bed**, replied his friend.
But what about the smell?
**He'll soon get used to that**.
Two friends are traveling through a deafening storm
"SURE IS WINDY TODAY!"
"IT'S THURSDAY!"
"ME TOO! I THINK THERE'S A BAR JUST UP THE ROAD!"
the big universe
two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping
bill: Jake what are you looking at
Jake: the stars
bill: and what you get from that
Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are
bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you m**...
What would you do if you won the lottery?
Two friends meet together and one asks:
What would you do if you won the lottery?
-I would build a brothel!
Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money?
-I'd open it to the public
Two friends lived in houses across from each each other
One day they were talking and the first friend said: "I'm gonna give you curtains for your birthday"
- "Why curtains?"
- "So I don't have to see you doing your wife all the time"
- "Ah well, I'm gonna give you binoculars for your birthday"
- "Um, why binoculars?"
- "Well, so you can see who's wife I'm doing"
Two friends are walking together down a road
Guy 1: I wish I was a millionaire like my father
Guy 2: Was your father a millionaire?
Guy 1: No, he just wished he was
I have two friends who are both from Oklahoma.
They're my Oklahomies.
Two friends were climbing a mountain
When suddenly one of them took a false step and fell from the top, disappearing from the other's sight.
As they were equipped with radio equipment, the other tried to contact him immediately with his, "Well, well, are you okay?"
"I'm fine!"
The friend sighed in relief, and kept asking, "Do you have a fracture?"
"No, none!"
"Then go back up and I'll wait for you here."
"Sure, as soon as I get to the bottooooooom!"
Two friends are sitting at a bar, one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down.
When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".
A magic show...
Two friends, Bob and Hank, are watching a magician perform. Mildly amused by the standard tricks and illusions they have seen so far, their attention perks up when they see the beautiful assistant come out from behind the curtain for the saw the lady in half trick. As she is climbing into the box, Bob leans over and whispers, That's some hot broad. I'd ask her out, wouldn't you?
Nah, Hank says, I'd probably get the half that eats.
Why I don't get married
Two friends talking: "you know why I don't buy a car?because all may friends have cars and they can give me a ride everyday. " That's exactly what I told your wife when she asked me why i don't get married"
Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking
\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!
\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.
\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?
\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.
Two friends met after a long time. First one said: my wife is an angle.
Second one replied: You are very lucky man. Mine is still alive.
How do you make your wife scream after s**...?
Wipe your d**... on the curtain.
Two friends go hunting and one of them falls down a hill and loses consciousness.The other friend calls the ambulance to get help!
The lady on the phone says the ambulance is not close so they need to take some steps themselves.
She says most importantly we need to make sure if he's dead.
There's complete silence for a minute and a loud boom goes off.
The friend picks the phone back up and says:
Now What?
Maybe a bit dark
Two friends go hunting, one of them passes out, and doesn't seem to be breathing. The other friend quickly calls 911. Help! he says. I think my friend is dead! . Calm down, the operator says. First, let's make sure he's dead . A gunshot is heard over the phone. Okay, the friend says. Now what?
One day two friends decided to brush up their English.
One says "i will ask you the antonyms of some words".
The other agreed.
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Always'
Friend 2 : Never
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Stop' said in a modern way
Friend 2 : Gonna
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'take'
Friend 2 : Give
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'me'
Friend 2 : You
Friend 1 : Antonym of 'Down'
Friend 2 : Up
Two friends, after a long time...
I see you have lost weight! What happened?
It's because I signed up for a gym.
So, you make a lot of exercise, right?
No, but I have to pay them so much that I have no money for eating...
Two friends are in a psych ward....
....when one pulls out a strong flashlight and points it at the ceiling, flicking it on and off in their dark room. The man says to his friend, Hey, why don't you try climbing the light?
The friend goes, Do you think I'm an idiot? You'll just flick it off when I'm halfway up.
-My grandma last night
Another Hot Day
Two friends walk into a bar after a jog around the lake. The first of the two goes up to the bar tender and asks "Bar tender! May I have a bottle of H20?" And then the bar tender slides over a bottle of H2O that he then enjoyed. The next man asks "Bar tender! May I have a bottle of H20 too?" He died.
Two friends are in a bar when suddenly the towns fire horn sounds
the one friend jumps up and heads towards the door.
"I didn't know you were a fireman!" the friend says.
"I'm not," says the other, "my girlfriend's husband is!"
Two friends meet up and one says: "So I've heard you formed a band?"
\- Yes, a quartet!
A quartet? That's four of you, right?
\- No, three.
Three!?
\- Yes, me and my brother.
You have a brother?
\- No, who do you ask?
