Two Faced Jokes
132 two faced jokes and hilarious two faced puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about two faced that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Two Faced Short Jokes
Short two faced jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two faced humour may include short faced jokes also.
- Today I saw two blind guys fighting... Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"
- What are the two main problems about being an egg? You only get laid once and the only woman to sit on your face is your mother.
- Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church. They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."
- Heard a vintage 2011 today. The Navy Seals just invented a new drink, the "bin Laden". Two shots to the face and a splash of water.
- Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today. Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.
Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye. - two atoms are talking.. "Hey Bob, why the long face?"
"I've just lost an electron."
"What, are you sure?"
"Yes..... I'm positive." - What are the two things someone with a face tattoo never hears? "You're hired"
"Not guilty" - I forgot - what's the name of that two-faced villain, something "dent"? Never mind, I was able to remember. It is President.
- Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
That was the punchline. - GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face ME: [*gets really close*] i'm two months behind on my rent
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Two Faced One Liners
Which two faced one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two faced? I can suggest the ones about facing and double ended.
- Why are there so few female politicians? It's hard to put makeup on two faces.
- If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
- Two Chinese men walk into a bar.. The bartender says, "Why the same face?"
- You're the only person to be jealous of Two-Face Because at least half his face is normal
- You can never trust someone from Chernobyl. Most of them are two-faced.
- What is Two Face's favorite type of vehicular damage? An R.V. dent.
- Fake people are like pennies Two-faced and not worth a dime.
- Two Australian birds burped in my face. It didn't emus me.
- I feel bad about those people who have two faces . And more for those who have both ugly.
- What's black and white and has two faces? Micheal Jackson
- Did you here about the two faces being added to MT. Rushmore? Barack Obama!
- Q: What has a face and two hands but no arms, legs, or a body?
A: A clock. - Which Batman villain was excluded from "The Snap?" Two-Face, he's perfectly balanced.
- There are two things I like about you. Your face.
- Could someone help me decide what's more two faced... Hillary Clinton or the coin
Two Faced People Jokes
Here is a list of funny two faced people jokes and even better two faced people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- iPhone X has face recognition! What I can't grasp is... how will it work with two-faced people?
- I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.
- I have two accounts on Facebook it means I have two faces.
It's really good because one is cuter to attract people.
Amusing & Witty Two Faced Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about two faced you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean double standards jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two faced pranks.
Two blondes were running from the cops as they had just been caught sneeking over the border into Mexico.
They dashed up to a fence and climbed over it, lights and sirens running behind them.
As they arrived on the other side, they came face to face with a long river.
One blonde said to the other. "Here I'll shine this flashlight over the water and you can walk accross the beam of light."
The other said: "What do you think I am, s**...!? I'll get halfway accross and you'll turn it off!"
Two knights stood to face each other
They both unsheathed their weapons, ready to duel
The first knight drew his longsword, confident he would defeat his opponent with wit and skill
The second knight drew a large block of cheddar cheese
The first knight scoffed and said, "And just how to you expect to best me with that?!"
"That's easy," said the second knight. " It's extra sharp."
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.
When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won't be expecting that.
My mother told me this about 3 years ago.
Two condoms are walking down the street. They happen to walk past a gay bar. One stops, looks at the other, and says, "I don't know about you but I feel like getting s**...-faced."
A Fishing Tale
On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.
Up comes an American.
'What are you sleeping for?' says the American. 'You'd be better off catching fish.'
'What for?' asks the fisherman.
'What do you mean, what for? You'd catch some fish, you'd sell them and with the money you'd buy yourself a trawler.
The trawler would catch even more fish. You'd sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You'd catch still more fish. You'd sell it.
Then you'd build yourself a fish processing factory . . . and get rich.
And then you could lie on the beach and sleep.'
The fisherman pulled his hat even further down over his face.
'But that's what I'm doing now.'
Two bats are sitting in a cave...
...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.
About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".
"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."
"Yeah?", says his buddy.
He replies, "Well.....I didn't".
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Two prostitutes were talking about clients...
When one of them points to the Mercedes across the street.
"You see that car, the owner afforded it because of me" she said with a smile on her face
"You know, that's not how it works, we don't give them money, they give it to us" the second said confused.
"Yeah, I know, before he met me, he had the money to buy a Ferrari"
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
Mental institution
There's a mental institution, and they are having a
patient evaluation, to see if any patients need to be there
any longer. The doctor then goes around questioning the top three candidates.
He goes to the first patient and asks him , "What is 3 times 3?"
After an hour of scratching his head, and with a confused look on his face he replies, "Two-hundred!".
"That is incorrect." The doctor responds.
He then asks the next patient."What is 3 multiplied by 3?" After a long period of time the patient
responds, "Thursday!". "That is incorrect replies the doctor.
He then goes to the next patient and asks him, "What is 3 times 3?"
The patient quickly responds, "Nine!". The doctor then says "Correct!,
how did you figure that out?" The patient then responds, "I multiplied, 200 by Thursday and then
I added three!"
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."
Why a fourth time?
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
Two condoms drive by a gay bar...
One turns to the other and says "let's get s**...-faced!"
Two kittens walk down the street together,
and as they talk, one kitten gets panicked and starts to yell:
-You won't believe what I heard the other day!!!
Τhe kitten reaches the others kitten's ear and starts whispering.
The other kitten gets a terrified look on its face and says:
-l**... EAT WHAT?
two blondes and a mirror
two blondes are walking along together when one of the pulls out her make up mirror, looking in to the mirror she says
"oh there is a face in there, wow that face looks familiar, where do I know that face from?"
Her friend grabs the mirror from her, has a long look and replies
"you idiot, that's me!"
A man walks into a bar...
Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze as the man strolls up to the bar and sets the case down on the counter. Everyone holds their breath. Suddenly, the man flips open the case and pulls out a machine gun! And everyone in the bar breathes a sigh of relief.
The new store...
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'
Two Belfast women are walking down the street...
when the first woman say to her friend:
"Jesus, them soldiers look s**... wearing camouflage uniforms and face paint in the city"
Her friend turns to her and says:
"What soldiers?"
Rodeo Position
Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
The Presidential Clock
Bill: Do you want to see the Presidential Clock?
Monica: Sure!
Bill: Okay. (Unzips pants and pulls it out)
Monica: That don't look like no clock I ever saw Sir.
Bill: It will if you put a face and two hands on it.
A man goes up to his wife...
He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.
She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"
He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have s**... then."
A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a c**....
The c**... has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the c**... into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
A nun walks out..
A nun walks out the front door of the church and sees two small boys laying face down in the snow with their pants down. She's asks them
What is it you boys are doing?
They turn and say "you know how father likes to have a couple of cold ones after his sermon"
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "
Two condoms are walking down the street...
They pass a gay bar and one c**... says to the other "hey, do you wanna get s**...-faced?"
Bedroom animals
A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then the young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without s**...."
Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."
comeback is real!
A professor and a fool
A professor was walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival.
The passage way was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer,
I never make way for fools!
Smiling, the Gracious Professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, I Always Do.
Buffalo Hunt
Two Native American scouts are hunting buffalo in the Great Planes. One scout hops off of his horse and puts his face to the ground, closing his eyes in concentration.
"Buffalo come!", he exclaims as he lifts his head.
"Did you hear them?", asks the mounted scout.
"No," grunts the man, "face sticky."
Emergency flashers
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their n**... bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my cardboard cutouts. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!
Presidential clock
After dinner one night, Bill Clinton drops his pants and points at his manhood, telling Hillary if she is going to be President, she better get to know the Presidential clock. She yells, "That's not a clock", to which he responds, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it will be!"
Two condoms are walking down the street and stop outside of a gay bar.
The first c**... turns to the second and says, Do you want to go in and get sh*t-faced?
One fine day..
One fine day in the middle of the night
two dead boys rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
pulled out knives and shot each other.
Two deaf policeman heard the noise
and ran to save the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"
Two drunk men visit a brothel
The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her b**........She f**... in my face and flew out of the window.
Three old women are sitting on a park bench
when a guy in a trench-coat walks up close to them and flashes his goods in their faces.
While the first two women had a s**...,
third one couldn't reach it.
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
Two vampires meet in the street
One have the face full of blood and was l**... the corner of the mouth, so the other one said:
-Wow, what a feast! where do you find it?
-Well... do you see that tower behind the church?
-yes
-I didn't
Ladies and gentlemen
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps
crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants
I've come to tell you a lie that is true.
One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys rose up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other
Pulled out knives and shot each other.
Two deaf policemen heard the noise
And ran to save the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.
So there are two cans on a wall.
One turns to another and squawks in his face before flying to another wall.
A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.
He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."
A couple was walking on a beach when one tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.
You can each have one wish, said the genie. The wife made her wish first I would like to travel around the world, with my husband, .
Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, Well said the husband, with a naughty look on his face I wish I can have a younger companion, .
The words were barely out of his mouth when p**..., he aged 20 years!
Amanda: Fred, honey, in your bathroom I found two towels, one with a letter A embroidered on it and another with an F. How thoughtful of you! I used the one with an A, because F is for Fred…
Fred: F is for face.
After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while n**......
As they run, the first guy covers his g**... and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"
The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my g**..."
(Blonde joke I just remembered) A blonde and a brunette...
A blonde and a brunette are walking in a shopping mall and spot a man with really bad dandruff. He has a look of visible anger on his face as he passes the two girls. The brunette says "Wow, that guy could use some Head & Shoulders." The blonde says back "How do you give Shoulders?"
Not sure how the iPhone X f**... identification would work for my ex-girlfriend
Because she's so two-faced
Logic
Three professors visit a nudist beach, and s**... off. After some time they notice the Dean and his wife approaching. Two of the professors immediately cover their private parts with towels, but the professor of logic covers his face. When asked why, he says "My face is the way that I am usually recognised".
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
Two condoms walk into a gay bar...
One looks to the other and says, "Welp, looks like we're getting s**...-faced"
I was playing golf last weekend
There were two women ahead of us playing very slowly.
After 5 holes, I'd had enough, and went ahead to ask if we could play through.
I soon came back with a look of t**... on my face, and said it was my wife and my mistress and there was no way I could approach them and ask to play through, would he do it instead?
He went ahead, then returned and said "it's a small world, isn't it?"
A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks.
A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks. The son notices the father has taken two toothpicks, while the rest of the family have only taken one.
The Dad places one toothpick in his pocket, noticing his son's confused face, he tells him, It's for Ron .
Who's Ron
Later Ron .
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .
Two 12-year olds are sitting in a park.
Laying next too each other, relaxing and cousy.
Then all of the sudden in the moment, the boy gets a kiss from the young girl.
His face turns red while backing off.
"What's wrong? Wasn't it good?" Asked the girl.
"No no no! It's just that my mom told me if I ever kiss a girl, she would turn me in a statue. And I feel it's already starting!!"
I'm writing a movie, its about an hour
FADE IN:
INT. CLOCK FACE - DAY
NARRATOR (V.O.)
One Mississippi, two Mississippi....
I've only written the first two lines so far.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar
One asks the other, Hey, wanna go inside and get s**...-faced?
The Oxymoron poem
Ladies and Gentlemen; hobos and Tramps; bug eyed mosquitos and legged ants: I come here before you to stand behind you to tell you a story I know nothing of.
One cold dark day in the middle of the night two dead boys stood up to fight, back to back they face each other, drew their swords and shot each-other! The deaf policeman heard this noise and came and killed those two dead boys.
Now if you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it to.
A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.
She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."
The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"
A good-looking woman
A good-looking woman, maybe in her 60s, waked into a bar and sat at the counter next to a dapper gentleman, also in his 60s.
"You remind me of my third husband," she softly remarked.
Startled, he asked, "How many husbands have you had?"
"Two," she said, as a smile crossed her face.
After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.
After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..
"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.
"It may be time to take away her life support."
Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..
"Did someone mention takeaway?"
Two condoms walk past a gay-bar.
One of them says to the other, Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get s**...-faced?
Two Carpenters
Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!
Two condoms are walking down a street one night
Two condoms are waking down a street one night when they pass a gay bar. One turns to the other and says Hey, wanna get s**...-faced?
Two cannibals stumble upon a corpse
They decide to eat the body. One started at the head while the other began with the feet. As they were eating, the face eater asks the other, How's it going?
The foot chewer replies I am having a ball.
Slow down, you're eating too fast
A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...
He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist's face.
That was not the reaction he was hoping for.
A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific
To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."
