The Best 58 Two Drunks Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Two Drunks jokes. There are some two drunks twofold jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these two drunks grave puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Two Drunks Jokes and Puns

Two whales walk into a bar.

"AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.

The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."

Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.

Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.

Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.

The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"

"No, I'm not," says the man.

"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"

"I'm tonight's DD."

"Designated Driver?"

"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."

Two Drunks joke, Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

Two whales

Under the ocean there were these two whales. One whale walks up to another and says "OOOoooOOOOooooooOOOoooOooooooooooOOOOoOOoOOoooooohhhhh!"
And the other whale says Steve, dude, you are so drunk.

Two men are out on the street with only $3.00...

The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start sucking on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."


Cool Customers

Two drunks are sitting at the bar staring into their drinks. 'hey cobber, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?'
'Yes, I've been married to one for 15 years'.

BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Two Drunks joke, BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."

The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!

An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already...

Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. "To the class of '55!" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, "To the class of '55!"

"Where you from?" asks the first man of the second after they both toast.

"I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."

"You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"

The two men drink to their hometown.

"What high school did you go to?" Ask the second man as he orders them another round.

"St Ignaius on Lombard Street."

"You're kidding me, I went to St Ignaius!" The two toast the coincidence and sling an arm over each other's shoulders as they begin to fondly reminisce about the old days.

A bar regular walks in and calls out to the bartender, "Hey Steve, what's going on?"

"Oh nothing," Steve replies, "The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Drunk people are always fascinating

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "

You can explore two drunks morning reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean two drunks wives dad jokes. There are also two drunks puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A boy and his dad.

A boy and his dad are walking through the streets

boy: "What does the word drunk mean?"

dad: "Well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? if you were drunk you would think there are four policemen over there."

boy: "But dad there is only one policeman over there!"

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH"

The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...

The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.

The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Tim is out drinking one night...

He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you moron! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"

Two Drunks joke, Tim is out drinking one night...

A zookeeper walks into a pub with an elephant

and orders two beers. After a few hours and a few more drinks, the elephant collapses drunk on the floor. As the zookeeper stumbles for the door, the bartender calls after him, "Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' here!" The zookeeper slurs, "That's not a lion; it's an elephant."

Two old drunks

I was sitting in a bar with my friend and I noticed two old drunks across the bar from us. I laughed and said, "That's us in ten years." My friend replied, "That's a mirror, dipshit."

Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"

"No worries, I see an elevator coming."


A man sits at a bar...

...After the third beer he decides to go home. He tries to walk out, but as soon as he is off his chair he falls on the ground. He figures he's probably not drunk enough. He orders another one, tries to go, but again falls on the ground. After two more beers and tries he decides just to crawl home.

The next morning his wife says to him in the bed.

"You were in the bar last night."

"How did you know?"

"The bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair."

I was in a bar when...

I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked.

*"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"*

One of the ladies turned to me and said,

*"It's Wales you idiot"*

I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said,

*"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"*

Don't remember much else.

Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight!

One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!"

That was the punchline.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"

Meanwhile, in England.

Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".

The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."

Two men are drinking in a bar.

One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that'll be us."

His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, dumbass."

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

Getting Drunk

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."

"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......

The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them:

"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"

Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"

A drunk walks up to two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."

The second priest gives the same answer.

The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"

Two Drunk Englishmen

...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog licking it's own bollocks.

The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"

The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"

Two drunk men visit a brothel

The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act ,on their way back ...

1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!

1st drunk: Why would u say that???

2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window.

Sitting at the bar.

Sitting at the bar having a drink with a friend, I discreetly point to two old drunks sitting across from us and said "that's us in about 15 years." To which he replied...

"That's a mirror dipshit."

Two Irish men were talking one morning..

"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.

"Why, What did I do?", said David.

"You took a taxi home!"

"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"

"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"

Two whales walk into a bar

The first one goes to the barman and says:
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOoOooOOoOoooooOOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOooOoOOoOOooooooooOOOOOOOoOOOoOOo"

The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

Two drunk guys walking home from the pub

They come across a bus depot and decide it would be quicker to steal a bus and drive it home.
One of the guys manages to get one started and shouts on his mate to hop on.
His mate replies " that bus number doesn't go to ours mate, am looking for the number 22."

Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk?

Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.

Son: But dad, there's only one person.

Two drunks walk into a bar.

Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.

Son, you know when you're drunk? See those two people over there? When you see four, you'll know you're drunk.....

But dad, I only see one.

Two beers sitting in a bar

Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"

"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"

Sitting in a bar having a drink with a friend..

I casually pointed at two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "thats us in ten years"

He said "thats a mirror you dipshit"

Two whales are in a bar

One whale says too the other "waoooaoooooooaoooowuooooooooooooooowaooooooouooooooooooooooooowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooooowooooooooooaoaooaoooooooooooouoooooooooooooooooooowoowoooooooooooooooaoaooooooowuaoooooooooooowu."

Then the second whale says
"Go home Steve you're drunk."

I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.

He said, that's a mirror, dipshit.

Two whales walk into a bar.

They approach the bartender and the first says "WAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHOOAAAAAUAUUUAUAAAAUAAUUUUAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

The second whale turns to him and says, "Frank, you're drunk."

Two whales sitting in a bar

One says to the other "oooooooaaaaauuuuyyaaaooooouuuiaaaaaoooeeeee"
The other replies "you're drunk Jeremy"

Two Whales are sitting at a bar

The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWOWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO."

The second whale says "Go home Steve your Drunk".



."

Two drunk friends were talking in a bar.

Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?

Man 1: Since yesterday.

Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?

You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."

Two whales are sitting and drinking together at a bar. The first whale says "Eeeeoooooaaaaaaaeeeeeeuuuuuooooooaaaaaauuuuueeeeee"

The second whale says

"Dave, go home. You're drunk."

A group of mathematicians walks into a bar

The bartender asks, "what can I get you guys?"

The first mathematician replies, "I'll have a beer."

The second mathematician replies, "I'll have a half of a beer."

The third replies, "I'll have a fourth of a beer."

The fourth replies, "I'll have an eighth of a beer."

And so on...

The bartender returns with two beers. Outraged, one mathematician demands to the bartender, "how do you expect us to all get drunk off of two beers!"



The bartender replies, "you guys should really know your limits!"

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk last night weren't you?"

"Yeah, why? How do you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Two drunks are in a bar

First one says to the other: do you know they have golden toilets here?

Second drunk says: no way! You're drunk and making stuff up.

Drunk 1: I swear, go check it out. End of the hallway, second door on the left.

Drunk 2 comes back from checking it out and says: I knew you were pulling my leg. It's just a regular toilet.

Drunk 1: hey bartender, tell this guy I'm not making it up. I was here yesterday and I swear to god you had a golden toilet.

Bartender talking to his boss at the other end of the bar: hey boss, I think I found the guy who took a dump in your tuba.

A guy in a bar

asks for four shots of whiskey and drinks them.

Then asks for three shots.

Then asks for two.

Then one.

And then he gets really drunk, turns to the bartender and says "I've noticed that the less I drink the more I get drunk."

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second says, exasperated, "What the hell is a DhD??"

The first cackles, "You're some doc if you don't know what ADHD is!"

Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...

...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.

"To the Grand Hotel please."

The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."

One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says No no, I think it's chili.

3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...

1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".

2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".

3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".

1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the two drunks duo jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working two drunks card piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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