Two Drunks Jokes
140 two drunks jokes and hilarious two drunks puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about two drunks that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Two Drunks Short Jokes
Short two drunks jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The two drunks humour may include short drunk people jokes also.
- Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday. - Two drunks are crawling on the railroad. One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"
"No worries, I see an elevator coming." - Two whales walk into a bar. "AAAAOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOAAAAAA, AOUUUUUUAAAA OOOOO," says the first whale.
The second whale replies, "Shut up, Steve, you're drunk."
- Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk? Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.
Son: But dad, there's only one person. - Two whales sitting in a bar One says to the other "oooooooaaaaauuuuyyaaaooooouuuiaaaaaoooeeeee"
The other replies "you're drunk Jeremy" - Two whales are sitting and drinking together at a bar. The first whale says "Eeeeoooooaaaaaaaeeeeeeuuuuuooooooaaaaaauuuuueeeeee" The second whale says
"Dave, go home. You're drunk." - Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight! One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!"
That was the punchline. - Son, you know when you're drunk? See those two people over there? When you see four, you'll know you're drunk..... But dad, I only see one.
- Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."
- Two beers sitting in a bar Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"
"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"
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Two Drunks One Liners
Which two drunks one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with two drunks? I can suggest the ones about drunk man and drunk.
- Two drunks walk into a bar. Then the sober guy behind them laughs and walks under it.
- It takes me two beers to get drunk The 13th and the 14th
- If two negatives make a positive. Shouldn't that make drunk women the best drivers?
- What do you call two drunk Geordies fighting? Mortal Kombat.
- In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way.
- What do tell a drunk person with two black eyes? Nothing. They've already been told twice
- Two blondes are in a bar They were drunk in no time.
- What did Abraham Lincoln say after a two day drunk? I set who free?
- Two whales walk into a bar One goes braarar the other one says go home Dave your drunk
- If two feminists get drunk and hook up... ...were they both r**...?
- If two l**... get drunk and have s**...
- What do you call hot drunk lesbian s**...? Double r**... with two victims and no perpetrators.
Hilarious Fun Two Drunks Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about two drunks you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drunk guy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make two drunks pranks.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"
Help! I need a push!
A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
Two whales
Under the ocean there were these two whales. One whale walks up to another and says "OOOoooOOOOooooooOOOoooOooooooooooOOOOoOOoOOoooooohhhhh!"
And the other whale says Steve, dude, you are so drunk.
Two men are out on the street with only $3.00...
The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start s**... on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."
Cool Customers
Two drunks are sitting at the bar staring into their drinks. 'hey cobber, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?'
'Yes, I've been married to one for 15 years'.
BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't s**.... Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
God Loves Drunks Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her p**... the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no p**...."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!
An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already...
Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. "To the class of '55!" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, "To the class of '55!"
"Where you from?" asks the first man of the second after they both toast.
"I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."
"You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"
The two men drink to their hometown.
"What high school did you go to?" Ask the second man as he orders them another round.
"St Ignaius on Lombard Street."
"You're kidding me, I went to St Ignaius!" The two toast the coincidence and sling an arm over each other's shoulders as they begin to fondly reminisce about the old days.
A bar regular walks in and calls out to the bartender, "Hey Steve, what's going on?"
"Oh nothing," Steve replies, "The Johnson twins are drunk again."
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish!
(works better when you're drunk)
Two Drunks and a Dog
Two extremely drunk men were stumbling toward home after leaving the bar one night. As they staggered through the backstreets they noticed a dog sitting on his front porch giving his tackle a hearty tongue bath. One of the men turns to the other and says
"You know, I wish I could to do that."
To which the second replies
"I bet if you ask him nicely he very well might let you."
"Could we change the topic, please?"
Two german friends chat and soon they come to the topic of the Holocaust. One of them then looks very sad and asks his friend: "Could we change the topic, please? I've never told you, but my grandpa died in Ausschwitz."
The other responds: "Sure, man, no problem. But may I ask you, how did your grandfather die?"
"Well, one day he got really drunk, fell from a watchtower and broke his neck..."
There once were two drunk guys..
They were sitting outside, when a dog comes along and started l**... his nuts.
The first guy leans over to his buddy and says " Hey man, I wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, " Don't you think you ought to pet it first"
Drunk people are always fascinating
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. "
"So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk.
"Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
Two aliens sitting in a bar...
The first looks at the second and says "bleep loop do dooee day baaarrggg"
The second looks ask at the first a d says "shut up frank, you're drunk"
A boy and his dad.
A boy and his dad are walking through the streets
boy: "What does the word drunk mean?"
dad: "Well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? if you were drunk you would think there are four policemen over there."
boy: "But dad there is only one policeman over there!"
Two black guys are walking down the road when they are run over by a drunk-driving cop...
The first guy went through the windshield and the second guy was thrown 50 feet and landed in the ditch.
The first black guy was charged with breaking and entering, and the second guy was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.
Tim is out drinking one night...
He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"
Looking for a joke about being s**....
Sorry, there's no punchline, this isn't a joke.
I was hoping someone could help me here, though.
I'm trying to remember a joke that was told my a while ago by a Southern man after he passed out drunk. It was something along the lines of "Where is s**... in the dictionary? Between X and Y," where X and Y are two relevant words that start with "s."
Any ideas? Variations? Sound familiar?
Thanks!
A zookeeper walks into a pub with an elephant
and orders two beers. After a few hours and a few more drinks, the elephant collapses drunk on the floor. As the zookeeper stumbles for the door, the bartender calls after him, "Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' here!" The zookeeper slurs, "That's not a lion; it's an elephant."
Two old drunks
I was sitting in a bar with my friend and I noticed two old drunks across the bar from us. I laughed and said, "That's us in ten years." My friend replied, "That's a mirror, d**...."
Worst Joke Ever
Two whales are sitting in a bar and one whale says "eeeyyoooo eeeeyyy yyeeooo oooyyy ooeeeee" and the other whale says "Shut up Steve, you're drunk."
Two drunks are looking to get laid
After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not move and was stone cold." The other one said " I think mine was a witch... as soon as I bit her n**..., shelets out a big f**... and flies out of the window"
Rodeo Position
Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
A man sits at a bar...
...After the third beer he decides to go home. He tries to walk out, but as soon as he is off his chair he falls on the ground. He figures he's probably not drunk enough. He orders another one, tries to go, but again falls on the ground. After two more beers and tries he decides just to crawl home.
The next morning his wife says to him in the bed.
"You were in the bar last night."
"How did you know?"
"The bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair."
I was in a bar when...
I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked.
*"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"*
One of the ladies turned to me and said,
*"It's Wales you idiot"*
I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said,
*"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"*
Don't remember much else.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
Two drunks are walking down the street...
...when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, l**... it's privates.
They watch for a while before one of them says "I wish I could do that."
The other looks at him and says, "Wouldn't you like to make friends with him first?"
Meanwhile, in England.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One starts to insult the other. He screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!". The bar gets quiet as everyone waits to see what the other will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!".
The other looks at him and says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...
Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."
"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"
(English, not my native language, apologies.)
Two bums
Two bums are walking down the rail road tracks.
b**...#1 turns to the other and says: "just last week I was walking down these same tracks, and I found a bottle of whiskey. I stayed drunk for a week, it was the best week ever!"
b**...#2 listening intently replies: "that's nothing man, I was walking down these same tracks last week and I found a lady, we had s**... over and over, it was the best week ever!"
b**...#1 asked: "did she give good head?"
b**...#2 replied: "no, I never found her head"
Why can't you get drunk with a s**...?
Because they are usually done after one or two shots.
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One of them looks across the bar and sees two old drunks sitting at a table. He turns to his friend and says, "In ten years, that'll be us."
His friend looks and says, "That's a mirror, d**...."
"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.
My last roommate was vegan
This happened two years ago. We were having a bbq before a game and he prepared some veggie burgers and I made some meat burgers. He mushed his veggie burgers up real good and it actually looked like meat after we cooked them. We put the leftovers in the fridge and went to the game.
When we got back I was a little bit drunk and was hungry so I opened the fridge and grabbed what I thought was the left over meat burgers.
It was a mis steak.
Two whales walk into a bar...
The first whale says oooOOOOoOooOOoOoooOOOOoOoOOOooooOo
The second whale says: "Karl you're drunk!"
Getting Drunk
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."
His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."
"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......
The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
A drunk walks up to two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not." The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest gives the same answer.
The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Jesus Christ, you're here again?!"
Two Drunk Englishmen
...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog l**... it's own b**....
The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"
The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"
Two drunk men visit a brothel
The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her b**........She f**... in my face and flew out of the window.
Sitting at the bar.
Sitting at the bar having a drink with a friend, I discreetly point to two old drunks sitting across from us and said "that's us in about 15 years." To which he replied...
"That's a mirror d**...."
Two Irish men were talking one morning..
"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"
A very drunk man walks into a bar
He yells:
two large beers and a packet of crisp please!
Lady: sir, this is a library.
Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!
Two whales walk into a bar
The first one goes to the barman and says:
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooOoOooOOoOoooooOOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOooOoOOoOOooooooooOOOOOOOoOOOoOOo"
The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."
Two whales are sitting in a bar...
The first whales says, "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhrrroooooooooooooohhmmmm"
The second whale says, "you're drunk!"
Two drunk guys walking home from the pub
They come across a bus depot and decide it would be quicker to steal a bus and drive it home.
One of the guys manages to get one started and shouts on his mate to hop on.
His mate replies " that bus number doesn't go to ours mate, am looking for the number 22."
Two whales walk into a bar....
The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA"
The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk
This girl came up to me and said, "I really like your forearms."
She must have been drunk though, I've only got two.
Two aliens sit in a bar...
One alien tells the other "toodleoop-poodledoop-teedledoop?".
Other alien says "Go home, you're drunk".
My neice asked me what it was like being drunk
I said you see that tree? when you are drunk you see two or four trees
she said, there is no trees. we are in a parking lot at walmart.
Two drunks are in a bar and one says to the other
Don't drink anymore – you're becoming blurry.
There is two whales sitting at a bar
One of the whales says
*whale noise*"ouwwhhiouuhiuwwhoo"
The other whale says
"Frank, you are drunk!"
Two guys were sitting in a bar
One said to another : "I slept with your mom last night".
The whole bar was waiting for other persons response.
Then he says "Let's go home dad. You're drunk".
Two whales walk into a bar. One goes 'eeeeoouuwwwwweewew!'
The other goes 'Fred, you're drunk.'
Coming back from a hockey game I heard this
Hey man which way do you shoot?
Oh you know I swing both ways.
(Courtesy of two funny drunks)
Two men are drinking away their sorrows...
In a bar high above the city when one says to the other "I think I want to kill myself." They other guy says "You know what? Me too. Let's do it." They walk over to the window and both jump out.
A few minutes later the second guy walks in the door and sits back down at the bar. The bartender says:"You sure are a mean drunk, Superman."
How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to swig till the room starts to spin.
Sitting in a bar having a drink with a friend..
I casually pointed at two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "thats us in ten years"
He said "thats a mirror you d**..."
Two men are sitting in a bar...
...one of them is drinking quite heavily.
The other asks, What's the problem friend?
The drunk replies, I just found out my mother is a p**....
The other stands up, retorting, What?! I need to find that woman and talk to her!
The drunk responds, Sit down, it's not worth it. She doesn't even offer a 'family and friends' discount.
Two whales are in a bar
One whale says too the other "waoooaoooooooaoooowuooooooooooooooowaooooooouooooooooooooooooowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooooowooooooooooaoaooaoooooooooooouoooooooooooooooooooowoowoooooooooooooooaoaooooooowuaoooooooooooowu."
Then the second whale says
"Go home Steve you're drunk."
I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours
I couldn't snap out of it...Then I realized I'd just put my hoodie on backwards.
Two Labradors were sitting in a Bar , drinking beer
The first Labrador whispers to the other " I went to bed with your mother , last night "
The second Labrador ignored it and carried on drinking beer.
The first Labrador shouts this time " did you hear me ? I went to bed with your mom , last night ? "
The other Labrador shook his head, sighed loudly and said " Go home Dad , you're drunk "
I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.
He said, that's a mirror, d**....
A cricket is in love with a mantis
but he's terrified, because he keeps hearing that a mantis will eat the male after s**.... Nevertheless, one night the cricket gets really drunk and propositions the mantis. The two have amazing s**... all night long, but in the morning the cricket comes to his senses and starts eyeing the mantis warily.
"What's wrong?" asks the mantis.
"Well, I don't want to make this weird, but are you going to try to eat me?"
"Oh, don't worry, only the females do that."
A man was teaching his son about about the dangers of drinking at the traffic lights.
The man said, See those two cars over there, son? A drunk man would see four.
The son replied, But Dad, there is only one car.
