Two Bit Jokes

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous?"
The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue"

Two bulls are standing in a field.....

..its a cold morning and one bull says to the other..
"It's a bit chilly this morning"
to which the second bull says
"I know, i might just go slip into a jersey........."

I need your best Scottish joke, asap! Scottish stepdad's birthday today.

I need a good Scottish joke or two to make fun of his primitive Tartan wearin' bagpipe blowin' and Braveheart barbarian culture.
Preferably, the joke will make fun of Scots as a bunch of useless drunkards subjugated by the English.
This is becoming a bit of a birthday tradition so give me your best!

Two drunks are looking to get laid

After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not move and was stone cold." The other one said " I think mine was a witch... as soon as I bit her n**..., shelets out a big f**... and flies out of the window"

A Well Cezanne'd Joke

Two French painters walked into a bar because they're down on their luck and they heard that at this place in particular the drinks were cheap and the women were Toulouse. They were having a great time, probably too good. The painters were getting a bit rowdy, and the bartender handed them their tab and told them get out. The men reached into their pockets only to realize they had no Monet, so Degas up and left.

Two snakes meet in the jungle...

Two snakes meet in the jungle.
One asks the other: "Are we poisonous?? "
The other says: "Why do you ask?"
The first replys: "I just bit my tongue..."

Why are you two dressed the same?

A guy is walking down the street and sees two faggots wearing the exact same outfit. He wondered for a bit and decided to ask them.
"I can clearly see you're both faggots, but why are you dressed the same?"
Then they arrested him.

Two men get into a car wreck...

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.
"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty scary."
"Don't thank me," the older man replies, casually tossing the empty bottle into the woods. "I'm a lawyer."

My last roommate was vegan

This happened two years ago. We were having a bbq before a game and he prepared some veggie burgers and I made some meat burgers. He mushed his veggie burgers up real good and it actually looked like meat after we cooked them. We put the leftovers in the fridge and went to the game.
When we got back I was a little bit drunk and was hungry so I opened the fridge and grabbed what I thought was the left over meat burgers.
It was a mis steak.

Two mechanics are talking, and one says to the other "Hey, I found this car part in the dump, I think it might be from an old limo."

The other mechanic inspects the part and replies, "Eh, I dunno, that might be a bit of a stretch."

I just moved in to a new flat with two girls...

I just moved in to a new flat with two girls, it's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. The first one has really bad OCD, whenever she goes in to a room she has to turn the light switch on and off 17 times. That's nothing compared to the other one, she's got epilepsy

Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

Two polar bears meet up for the first time...

Two polar bears meet up for the first time. It's a bit awkward, neither of them know what to say then one starts jumping up and down. The other polar bear looks confused and asks "Why are you jumping up and down?" The jumping polar bear responds "I was trying to break the ice."

Two snakes are slithering on a desert floor

one snake asks the other snake, "Hey, are we poisonous?"
The other snake replies, "I don't know, Why?"
his friend replies nervously "I just bit my tongue"

Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its called i**... and thats how you make babys." ten minutes later John returns "Freds mum said its called bunkbeds, and she needs a word with you"

Two electricians are up on a pole

A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:
— Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?
The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:
— Told you it was the ground.

So I was at this little pub in Great Britain.....

I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby.
I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"!
Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

Two snakes

Snake one asks
"Hey man, are we venomous?"
Snake two responds,
"Extremely. Why do you ask?"
"Because I just bit my tongue"

Two television antennas got married...

The service was a bit confused, but the reception was fantastic 😂

A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies, "I was trying to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!"

With me, making love is like a Beethoven violin sonata

Two quick movements with a bit of fiddling in the middle.

Getting a bit worried, is this normal?

One of my n**... is a different colour than the other two

Knight vs dragon

A knight is fighting a dragon. He cuts its head, but the dragon grows two new heads. The knight cuts them, but the dragon grows 4 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 8 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 16 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 32 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 64 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 128 heads. The knight cuts them and the dragon is finally dead.
It was an 8-bit dragon.

Two snakes are slithering through the forest when one stops and looks at the other

"Hey Carl" he says "Are we poisonous?"
The other snake stops and thinks for a second "honestly, I have no idea, why?" He asks
The first snake responds in a worried voice "because I just bit my tongue"

So I took my girlfriend's virginity and her father found out

It went a bit like this
Father: I can't believe you two did that! You're supposed to stay pure until marriage!
Me: I'm very sorry sir. I assure you it will never happen again.

Life's been a bit weird lately.

A while back I showed up late to a dinner at my hot lesbian neighbours. They forgave me, and eventually we got chatting about my birthday. They asked me what I wanted for it. Answer was pretty obvious, I told them I wanted a watch. They giggled a bit, and eventually agreed.
I think they were just teasing me though, its been a week since my birthday and I still can't tell the time.
Seen two girls have s**... though.

Snake bite

Two hunters go out into the woods and one of them gets bitten by a snake, collapses and stops breathing. The other hunter quickly calls emergency services and says "You have to help me, my friend just got bitten by a snake and died." The operator says "OK, calm down. First, make sure he is dead." The phone goes silent for a bit, followed by the sound of a gun shot. The hunter goes back to the phone and says to the operator "Ok, now what?"

Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling, and says, "I know, it's the cobblestones."

A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....

The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.
The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor what's wrong with the kid.
The doctor shrugs a bit and says, "I'm not sure yet, but for one thing, he certainly isn't eating right."

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

Three questions to a lawyer . . .

A man called up a lawyer and asked: How much would you charge to answer three questions?
The lawyer thinks for a moment and said: Two thousand dollars plus tax.
TWO THOUSAND! cries the man. That's a bit expensive, isn't it?
Yes, I suppose it is, said the lawyer. After thinking a moment longer, he added: So what's your third question?

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.
Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.
Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.
Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?
Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. 
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute !!"

A man decides to open up a business...

Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"

A young man is taking a driving test

The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
​
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
​
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"

Two guys in a bar

One complains to the other about how s**... with his wife isn't as pleasurable anymore due to her having loosened up over the years. So, the other says, "have you tried, you know, the 'other hole'?" The first guy sits and thinks for a bit. Finally, he speaks and says, "yeah, but I don't want to get her pregnant."

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to s**... a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that snake, with two more frogs...

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream

He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."
Putin asks, "Why blue?"
Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."

Maybe a bit dark

Two friends go hunting, one of them passes out, and doesn't seem to be breathing. The other friend quickly calls 911. Help! he says. I think my friend is dead! . Calm down, the operator says. First, let's make sure he's dead . A gunshot is heard over the phone. Okay, the friend says. Now what?

Stalin's advice to Putin

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says, "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."
Putin asks, "Why blue?"
Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Stalin would be very proud of Putin.

Two snakes are slithering through the desert....

One named Fred, and one named Henry.
Henry turns to Fred and says: Fred, are we the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction or we the kind of sssssnake that kill with a deadly venomousssss bite?
Fred thinks about it for a second and reply's Henry, we are the kind of sssssnakes that kill by consssstriction.
Henry say oh thank God for that, I just bit my lip.

An old pastor on his deathbed asked a lawyer and an IRS agent to visit him.

When the two arrived in the pastor's room, the pastor based them to sit on either side of the bed.
After a bit, the lawyer asked "Reverend, why did you ask us here?"
The pastor responded, "Jesus died between two thieves, and I want to do the same."

Mother is waking her son: Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.

Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.
No, it's really high time, now get up.
But I don't want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!
Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!
Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the s**... school.
Paulie, first of all, you're **45**, and second, you're the **headmaster**.

John leaves the tent where he is with his girlfriend in the campsite late in the evening.

- John, where you go?
- I'm going to pee outside. Be right back!
Two minutes later when he sits next to his girlfriend:
- John! It's raining?
- Nah! Just a lil bit windy!

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"

A man goes to the doctor...

A man goes to the doctor, feeling a bit under the weather. After running several lengthy tests, the doctor sits the man down.
Unfortunately, there are two diagnoses I have to give you. You have cancer, and are unlikely to live more than a year
That's unfortunate, replies the man.
As for the second diagnosis, you have Alzheimer's.
Well, replies the man, at least I don't have cancer.

Two Traitors Heading for the Capitol Building

Passenger asks "That bomb in the trunk was made by amateurs right?"
The driver responds "yup."
Passenger asks, a bit nervously, "Well what happens if that bomb just goes off?"
The driver responds with great confidence, "No problem at all".
"We have another one under the back seat."

A Joke

A guy goes to the doctors office for an appointment...
The doctors starts off with bad news,
Doctor: (to the patient) Ok, I have two bits of bad news.
Patient: Ok what is it?
Doctor: One, you have Cancer.
Patient: Oh god no that's pretty bad! What's number two?
Doctor: Two is, you have Alzheimer's.
Patient: Well good God, at least I don't have cancer.

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.

Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's w**... podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.
----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says Doctor, it used to be that I'd get these erections so hard that I couldn't even bend them with two hands! 16, 17, 18 years old, all through my twenties... 30, I could bend a little bit, 40s a little bit more. 50s and 60s I'm getting it to about a 90 degree angle, and now I'm 90 I can bend it in half!
I'm getting stronger, right?"

An Englishman a Scotsman and a Irishman are trapped on a deserted island

One day a magic lamp washes up on shore. After rubbing the lamp a genie appears and promises them a wish each.
The Englishman says "I wish I was back at my favourite pub in London drinking beer with my mates". The genie wisks him away.
The Scotsman says "I wish I was back in Edinburgh drinking a bottle of whisky making love to my wife". The genie again wisks him away.
The Irishman is left and says "It's a bit lonely here now I wish my two mates were back here with me".

Two pools of v**... walk into a bar...

One goes straight to the bathroom, while the other orders a couple of drinks.
When the first one comes back, he sees his friend staring at the floor with a tear in his eye.
"What's wrong, Spewurt?", he asks.
"Oh it's nothing, Heave." his friend replies. "I was just feeling a bit nostalgic. This is where I was brought up!"

Two drunks stumble out of a hotel...

...and manage to get into one of the cabs. After a bit of a process getting seated, one of them tells the cabbie.
"To the Grand Hotel please."
The cabbie turns around and says, "But we're already at the Grand Hotel."
One of the drunks gives the cabbie a bill, and says, "Next time, don't drive quite so fast."

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.
If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!
It is at Manchester registry office at 2pm. The brides name is Nicola, she is 28, 5f 6 tall, a bit of a looker and a good cook.

"An interesting title" doesn't sparks interest

Two men are walking down the street when they happen upon a dog l**... his b**..., The first man says " Boy, I wish I could do that" The second guy says" I tried once and he bit me".

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts o**... to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"

Two snails talking.

Snail One: I had to have my shell removed today.
Snail Two: So how are you finding it.?
Snail One: I feel a bit sluggish.

My girlfriend said, "If you don't quit drinking, I'll leave you."

I never expect to hear two bits of good news in one day.

This is a traditional joke from my culture. Warning, the humor is a bit different than you're used to

Two men are having dinner. One man orders an uncooked fish, and the other man orders uncooked steak. Both are skeptical of the other's raw food. The fish man then orders a Martini, and the steak man orders pure alcohol. The fish man tells the other man not to drink it. The steak man c**... the alcohol. A few hours later, the steak man is at the hospital. The fish man visits. The fish man tells him that he once pulled a charger out of the wall. The steak man dies.