twitter Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious twitter puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there's no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

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What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

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Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

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Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

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Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

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Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad

Dad: ...*clenches fists

Mom: ...don't!

Dad: *sweats profusely

Mom:

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD




Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter

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Why does Voldemort use Twitter but not Facebook?

He only has followers, not friends.

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"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

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Why doesn't Pacman use Twitter?

He doesn't like being followed.

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I was at an important job interview today, when they asked me if I was on Facebook…

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"

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What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

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My recent letter from the BBC read...

"Thanks for entering your wife into our new quiz show.

However, we feel you may have misread the title?

The show is actually called "Fact Hunt"




Credit @ShitJokes via Twitter.

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How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?

Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.

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One day Facebook, YouTube and Twitter will merge.

It will be called YouTwitFace.

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Why does George R.R Martin never use Twitter?

Because he killed all 140 characters.

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I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."

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What's the difference between Twitter and Game of Thrones?

Twitter only allows 140 characters.

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Doctor, doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter...

Sorry, I don't follow you.

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My New Girlfriend

Facebook asks what I'm thinking.

Twitter asks what I'm doing.

Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

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Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, I don't follow you."

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Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

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So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...

He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.

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Why was Game Of Thrones banned from twitter?

Because twitter has an 140 character limit.

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I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me

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So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy

Twitter: We'd never collect anything

Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device

Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

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So the Pope joined twitter so he can "Reach out to a younger generation."

He is certainly not the first Catholic to have done that.

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"Ebola" is trending on Twitter...

...does that mean it's gone viral?

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Well... there goes Ted's reputation

Trump: No one embarrasses themselves on Twitter like I do

Ted Cruz: Hold my milk

Trump: Wait, this isn't milk...

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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin have Twitter?

Because he would just kill off all 140 characters.

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Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

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Doctor, Doctor, I'm addicted to twitter...

Sorry, I don't follow you.

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Why doesn't George R.R Martin use Twitter?

Because he killed off all 140 characters.

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What would the French say if they had Twitter during WWII?

Retweet! Retweet!

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I've decided to delete my Twitter.

I keep feeling that people are following me.

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I went to the therapist for my fear of ghosts

*After few weeks*

Me:I have conquered my fear of ghosts

Therapist:Good, that's the spirit

Me:Oh shit, where?

PS:Stole this from Twitter;)

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I just tried to follow Tim Howard on twitter...

I got blocked.

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If 50 cent were a woman.. would her name be 35 cent?

Credit : twitter @the_anastasia

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I couldn't figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it's just the Al gore rhythm

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Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter!

Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you.

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Twitter addiction

A man goes to his doctor and says:


-Doctor, I think i am addicted to Twitter.

-Eh,sorry...I don't follow you.

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What Do Twitter Users Call Themselves?

Twats.

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I told my doctor I was addicted to Twitter

He said "I don't follow you"

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Turkish Political Humor

Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author." From Moshik_Temkin on Twitter

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My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets himΒ better than sheΒ tweetedΒ me.

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Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed

King: not until i have a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: babe ur a genius



(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)

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Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

Because they kept retweeting.

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If 2016 had a twitter account it should have one of those "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" bios

Because 2016 is a crazy bitch

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Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be.

Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that.


Twitter @caredee

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Why does Voldemort only use Twitter and not Facebook?

Because he only has followers, not friends.

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It's a good thing that President Trump uses Twitter

It limits what he can say.

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My husband's new prescription glasses is not working

He still can't see things my way.

^Credits ^to ^the ^original ^twitter ^post.

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So today is International Women's Day

It was supposed to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

^^stole ^^this ^^from ^^twitter, ^^sorry

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Friend: Everyone exists because of that saying "I think therefore I am"

Me: So does Trump just disappear every time he's about to post to Twitter

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Someone should create a Trump parody Twitter account...

That only retweets all the stuff he actually posts

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Saw on twitter

Don't worry if you missed 4:20 guys just smoke at 4:22 because it is 4:20 too

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Why doesn't Pac-Man use Twitter?

Because he doesn't like being followed.

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What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter?

The rogue one

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At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #Brown

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So, they're going to combine Facebook, YouTube, and Twitter into one website.

It's going to be called "YouTwitFace".

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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use Twitter?

Because he killed all 140 characters.

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"How much longer are we going to have endure this erupting volcano full of hot air and gas" asked the Hawaiian

"I don't know, but turn off Twitter for a short term solution"

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Why'd the Twitter Bird go to the hospital.

He had to get tweetment.

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Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

.


.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


Croatia

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A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter

Made a fool of himself via Twitter

*"Please stop!"* they entreated

But in answer he Tweeted

*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

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Edward Snowden just joined Twitter. Almost immediately he got more followers than the NSA.

Luckily for the NSA, they follow a lot more people than Snowden.

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You can delete me from you Facebook, unfollow me on Twitter and Instagram, block me on your Whatsapp, delete my number and my pictures, even cross the street when you see me...

but you can never unsuck my dick.

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I blamed being late for work on Rush Hour...

The next day I blamed it on Rush Hour 2

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Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

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L. Ron Hubbard walks into a bar...

The bartender says "this seat's clear." Hubbard replies "that's not funny," and I was never heard from again.


(full disclosure, I read this on twitter six years ago)

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Donald Trump is old enough not be expected to know how Twitter works.

He might think he's just messaging his friends.

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I'm addicted to twitter

A man tells his doctor, "doc help me, im addicted to Twitter?"

Doc replied "sorry, I don't follow you"

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If you genetically edit the DNA of lettuce...

... you can make it CRISPR

Not mine... I read it off Twitter

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I wish 'twitter' was an irregular verb so we could conjugate it thusly: twitter, twat, twitten

huehue

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There is one good thing to come out to Trump's visit to China

He won't be able to access Twitter.

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Me : "What's the WiFi password?"

Waiter : "Smile first."

Me : *smile*

Waiter : "......Smile first. No space."





**I found this on Twitter but the original joke isn't in English.

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Elon Musk's Twitter is like a Tesla Model S

It goes from 0 to 100 in 1.9 seconds.

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"I have a migraine."

-- Italian farmer after the harvest


(blame @pauleggleston from Twitter)

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Jokes for the SJW

What's the difference between a third wave radical feminist and an ISIS terrorist? One of them doesn't get PTSD from twitter.

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I wanted to share my novel based on the phone book over twitter

But it's got more than 140 characters

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I thought Jack Nicholson and Jack Black followed me on Twitter earlier and I got excited...

..it wasn't them.

Guess it was premature e-Jack elation.

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Twitter management's favorite part of a book is always

Chapter 11

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No one on Twitter ever quotes me properly.

I'm so mis-tweeted.

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I'm addicted to Twitter

A man tells his doctor, Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, I don't follow you …

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Why did voldermort used Twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he only had followers. Not friends.

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Jesus wouldn't have been good at Twitter

He would've only had twelve followers.

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A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own 'Mullah investigation' to look into the matter.

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Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.

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Great date last night

Last night, I went out with a great guy. Things were going well,but in the end, we both had to part ways. I said my goodbyes and went home on foot. Today, I woke up to a text from him.

"I followed you last night."

Perplexed, I replied :"Oh cool. How did you know my Twitter though?"

"What's Twitter?"

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A man walks into a Doctor's and says Doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter.

Doctor looks at him and says Sorry, I don't follow you.

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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use a Twitter?

Because he kills all 140 characters.

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Why does Brendon Rodgers hate Twitter?

It only allows 140 characters

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Whats the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

Twitter only allows 160 characters

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Did you hear the CEO of Twitter got in trouble for buying shares of rival companies?

I guess it was a conflict of Pinterest.

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Why isn't George R.R. Martin allowed on Twitter?

He only has 140 characters to kill

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Do you know what Twitter is?

It's the spot between your twat and shitter.

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Why didn't George RR Martin (GOT author) use Twitter?

Because he killed all the 140 characters.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

-I saw this on twitter today and laughed, so I thought I would share.

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Was on Twitter earlier telling everyone about how I had this tiny spot on my top lip that turned into a massive cold sore…

It's gone viral…

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Hear about the paranoid guy

who stopped using twitter? He said everyone was following him.

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The greatest merger of all time

It was announced today that YouTube, Facebook and Twitter will all be merging.

The new name will be YouTwitFace

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Does humping a woman's leg count as sexual harassment?

If so, my dog is gonna be facing a lot of allegations on Twitter.

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Babe, my sex drive is like Donald Trump's twitter...

Random, irrational, and provocative.

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Everybody's trying to make clever statements on Twitter.

In the end they always turn out as 'Stupid autocovfefe!'

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I downloaded an app that notifies me when Trump throws a tantrum.

It's called Twitter.

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What's the different between Twitter and Game of Thrones?

Twitter has a character limit

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using french words correctly isnt my souffle

came up on twitter by @KevinFarzad. pretty sure its a joke, but i dont get it.

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I broke up with my Twitter girlfriend today

Turns out she doesn't have much character beyond 140.

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What's the difference between a Twitter post and a Russian Novel?

A Twitter post is limited to 140 characters

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I tried following Tim Howard on Twitter

..but he blocked me.

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What do you get when you sleep with all 140 characters of twitter?

A rashtag.

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It's a good thing George R.R. Martin has a Twitter...

If there's one thing he can do, it's wasting 140 characters at once.

^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out

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One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook join together and be called....

YouTwitFace

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Did you see the story on Twitter about the robots from Star Wars alleging sexual harassment?

They are using #OurTooMeToo

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My friend got so famous in our town for serving half-frozen fries to a customer, he decided to get a VIP twitter account.

Didn't get veryfried.

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A question about Black Twitter memes

Are they considered Dark Humour?

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Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease?

Because the condition was untweetable.

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How do you obtain Kate Upton's nudes?

Easy, go on Twitter right now.

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Rock's Bottom

*Meets Dwayne Johnson*

*Panics*

*Spanks his butt*

"Looks like I've officially hit rock bottom"

*crickets chirping*

[Got it from twitter]

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What is the first thing you do at a traffic light?

"I check my twitter, why is that important for the driving exam?"

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The MarsCuriosity rover has 3.6M followers on Twitter...

Most of which are bots

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Addicted to Twitter

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I'm addicted to checking my Twitter!

DOCTOR: I'm so sorry, I don't follow.

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How is Twitter like Game of Thrones?

There's 140 characters, and they are all terrible.

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Doctor, Im afraid I'm addicted to Twitter...

Im sorry, I don't follow

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Don't get drunk and use Twitter, signed.....

Roseanne Barr'ed

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Nearly had a fight with my army of Twitter followers…

It got pretty intense up until they all retweeted…

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Did you hear about the Comedian who did impressions on Twitter?

His act wasn't very good. He only had 144 characters.

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My Twitter Followers are like my hair...

...Everyday I lose more than what I gain

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A "demographic expert" unfollowed me on Twitter today..

..guess I wasn't for them.

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NASA has turned to Twitter for help in naming the seven recently discovered earth-sized exo-planets...

I could think of seven pretty obvious names if only they had been dwarf planets.

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I'm being followed by bots posing as humans

...just like on Twitter.

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Social media in a nutshell

Instagram: "I'm so pretty"
LinkedIn: "I'm so good at my job"
Twitter: "I'm so funny"
Snapchat: "I'm a dog"

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Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October ....

And that makes me a piece of shit.

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What's a twit that tweets? A twitter. What's a twitter's tweet?

Trending.

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Is George Zimmerman on Twitter?

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how do you reference your local humane society on twitter?

"##"

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Since their move to Ireland. Apple's profits have been Dublin.

As well as Google, Amazon, Facebook, Intel, IBM, Paypal, eBay, Twitter and many more...

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What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter the number of characters do not go down with time

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How to stay focused at your Job!

Sent at 4pm, on Monday.

Sorry guys if you didn't find it funny, but to me is hilarious those twitter heroes sharing tips to be productive at your work, tweeting it in office time from the computer office!

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Zuckerberg's next aquisition will be twitter...

... to complete his WTF trilogy.

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Me: Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter.

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Why don't Game of Thrones characters tweet with Twitter?

They were ravin' with Raven.

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From a funny Twitter post

If rather die than commit suicide.

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We in dis bitch, twitter who?

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I'm the most hated person in the Senate

Ted Cruz: I'm the most hated person in the Senate.

Susan Collins: Hold my beer.

Brett Kavanaugh: Who said beer?

Twitter repost @Amanda_Kerri

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I splurged and bought a mop.

I had to, to clean up the splurge.



Credit to @ActualLiam on Twitter. Only a handful of followers but he's consistently great.

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I was just reading that there's going to be a merger between YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook. Have you heard about this?

Apparently the new company will be called YouTwitFace.

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People on twitter right now be like...

@anthonyjeselnik

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I asked my doctor to help me because I'm addicted to Twitter

He said "sorry, I don't follow you."

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What are the best Twitter puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Twitter? Well, here are the best jokes about Twitter to have fun with.

Joko Jokes