Twin Jokes

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now its a really sensitive subject.

Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be 2 of them but now it's a touchy subject

What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.

Why are the twin towers and genders so similar?

Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

My buddy told me he had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin.......

I asked how he could tell them apart. He said "Her brother has a mustache."

I just found out my wife has an identical twin

I saw her on Tinder.

My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night.

I asked him how he told them apart.
He says, "well her brother has a mustache"

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman

Slip of the Tongue

Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"

Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"

Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"

Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"

Two biologists get married and have twin girls.

They name one Jessica and the other Control.

Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin?

He was tragically malicious.

Gender is like the Twin Towers

There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject to bring up

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother's surprise party.

That's when I realized he was her favourite twin.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2

My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He's not happy about it either.

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.


My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'


I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

Genders are like the twin towers

There used to be 2 of them, but now it is a sensitive topic.

Why is the tower of Pisa tilted?

Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

If 9/11 had happened in July...

7/11's brand name would have crumbled faster than the Twin Towers.

My wife's identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job

I said to my friend

He asked do you know how to tell them apart ?

I remarked why should I ?

My father was a conjoined twin so his brother was ...

My uncle on my fathers side

Genders and the Twin Towers have something in common...

There used to be two of them, and now it's a sensitive topic.

I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

How are genders like the twin towers?

There used to be two of them but now everyone gets offended if you talk about it.

Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters?

He named them Anna 1, Anna 2...

In and Out

(Part joke and part tongue-twister - lots of fun to tell out loud.)

Once upon a time, a mama skunk had twin baby skunks, who she named In and Out.

One day when they were just wee skunks, In and Out went out to play. At lunchtime, Mama Skunk poked her head out and called out, "In and Out, it's time to come in!"

After a few minutes, Out comes in. Mama looks at him and says, "Out, where is In? I just told you both to come in!"

Out says, "In is still out." So Mama tells him "Well Out, you go right back out, find In, and bring him in!" So Out goes out, and within just a minute he comes back in with In.

Mama Skunk is amazed. She says, "Out, how on earth did you find In so quickly?"

Out shrugs and says, "Instinks."

What do you call Michael BublΓ©'s identical twin brother?

Michael DublΓ©! :D

Two twins were separated at birth

One of them lived in Cuba, and was named Juan. The other lived in Egypt, and was named Jamal.
10 years after their birth, their birth mother was sent a picture of one of the twins. "I wish I could see the other one," she said. The adoption mother then said,
" If you've seen juan, you've seen jamal."

How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?

By taste.

If i had twin daughters, I would name one Kate, and the other...

DupliKate.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I started dating her twin sister

I'm not left handed but i'll have to make do until the doctor removes the cast

My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister.

Like it's my fault they're conjoined.

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.

One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"

Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.

"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.

"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"

The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

What do you call twin brothers?

A sunset

There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...

His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;

What did you choose for the girl?

Denise

Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?

Denephew

A mexican woman goes into labor, and then passes out...

a few hours later, she wakes up in the hospital and finds out that she has given birth to perfectly healthy twin baby boys. "Since you were unconscious while your children were born, your husband named both of your children for you", the doctor informs her. "Oh no!", exclaims the woman, "my husband is an idiot! Did he name the children something stupid?" "Well, the first child's name is Juan", says the doctor. "That's not so bad," she says, "but what did he name the second child?"

"Two."

The twin towers remind me of genders

There used to be two of them and people get offended when you talk about them

2 twins changing their name.

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee. Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly... A man, their father, bursts through the door and embraces Ving and tells them, "Don't stop, be Lee, Ving", "Hold on to that fee, ling."ο»Ώ

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist's room with toys and games. In the optimist's room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

What's wrong? the father asked.

I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. Why are you so happy? he asked.

The optimist shouted, There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!

What did the twin embryos say when they were hungry?

Fetus

My identical twin brother and I were both arrested this weekend.

But there was a mix-up during processing. Now we are finishing each other's sentences.

A pair of twins in a nursery home are both turning 100

One twin has bad hearing and the other can hear fine. A news reporter comes to take a picture of them for the newspaper. The reporter says

"I need you guys to sit on the sofa"

"What'd he say?" Said the woman with bad hearing

"He said to sit on the sofa" said the twin with good hearing. They both went over and sat on the sofa.

"Scoot closer together" said the reporter

"What'd he say?"

"He said to scoot closer together" said the twin with good hearing.

"Sit tight while I focus" said the reporter

"What'd he say?"

"He said he's going to focus" said the twin with good hearing.

"Oh! Both of us at the same time?"

Why were the people in the twin towers mad?

Because they ordered pepperoni, but all they got was plane.

What are the similarities between the Twin Towers and Genders?

There used to only be two, now it's a really touchy subject

Why were the Twin Towers upset?

They ordered pepperoni but they got plane

A pair of twins have a deal...

They constantly get in trouble with the law for various reasons and are frequently thrown in jail. They don't like staying in jail for too long, so they made a deal: if only one of the twins is arrested and imprisoned, the other twin will sneak in and swap places with them when they have spent half the time served in prison.

It's great to see these twins are so close that they're always finish each other's sentences.

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption

One of the twin boys is adopted by a family in Spain and is named Juan. The other boy is adopted by a family in Egypt, who name him Jamal.

Years later, her son Juan connects with her and sends him a picture of himself with his family.

Feeling moved and happy that Juan is doing well, she sighs to her husband, "I wish I could see the other one, too."

Her husband looks at her and says, "Well, honey, they're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal!"

Drunk guy in a bar, next to him some twins.

The guy stares at them really confused for quite a while until of the twin finally says to him "It's okay, you are not *that* drunk. We are twins".

To which the guy responds: "What, all four of you?"

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them, and now it's a really uncomfortable topic.

Twin Sisters

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin ladies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE!"

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S JUST GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US???"

I tucked my son into bed...

When I'm about to leave, he looked up at me and said, "Daddy, check for monsters under the bed." Amused, I look underneath for him and see him, another him, shaking under the bed, and he whispers: "Daddy, there's someone on my bed."

Then I grounded the twin because it's a bad joke.

A husband and wife are unable to have children, so they decide to adopt...

They eventually find a boy from Spain named Juan, and bring him back to America to live with them.

Years later, they learn from the adoption agency that Juan has a twin brother, who was raised by an Arab family. His parents were tragically killed, so the boy, named Amal, needs a home to live. So, since they wanted another kid anyways, they decide to adopt him.

The husband and wife are looking through the adoption papers for Amal a few days before seeing him, and the wife glances at a picture of him, and asks the husband if he would like to know what the boy looks like.

The husband shrugs and says: "Well, they are twin brothers, so I think I already know what he looks like. You know, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

3 guys are waiting while their wives give birth

A nurse emerges from the back and says, "Mr. David, come on back, your wife has delivered two beautiful babies!"

"Wow! Twins, huh? That's interesting, I'm from the twin rivers." Said Mr. David

After another hour, a second nurse comes into their room and says, "Mr. Smith, you wife has had healthy triplets!"

"That's awesome!" Replied Mr. Smith, "I'm from the three islands, Jonu, Frot and Trik." And with that he went back with the nurse

The third man begins sweating and praying. The first nurse returns to see if he's fine and if he needs anything. He looks terrified so she asks what's wrong.

"I'm from the forest of 1,000 trees!!"

Why were the people in the Twin Towers disappointed on 9/11?

They ordered 2 pepperoni pizzas, but all they got were 2 large plains.

At the maternity ward...

Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man "Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!" the man replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!" whereupon he hoes into the ward to be with his wife. a few minutes pass, before the orderly returns and says to the second man "Congratulations, sir! you are the proud father of three healthy triplets!" to which he replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work for Triple A!" before going into the ward to be with his wife. A few hours pass but eventually the orderly comes back into the room, and before she can say a thing, the third man jumps up, and tears down the hall screaming. "Sir! what's wrong!" the orderly shouts, chasing after him. The man shouts over his shoulder "I work for Ten Thousand Auto Parts!"

A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife.

"For some reason I'm only aroused by small pieces of fruit."

"I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.," the doc replies.

"Twin Syndrome?"

"You only come in pears."

Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

What do you name the male and female twin monkeys?

Abe and Anna

Paddy Has A Broken Leg

Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

A couple gave their twin boys up for adoption...

...it was a tough decision, but they felt unable to care for them, and decided it was the only way their children would thrive. One of the boys went to a Spanish family, who called their new son Juan. The other went to an Egyptian couple, who named the new addition to their family Ahmal.

20 years past, and the now elderly couple received a surprise in the mail, a letter from Juan, with a recent photo included. The mother was ecstatic, and said to her husband "It is such a blessing to finally see an image of our son, all grown up. I only regret that I cannot see a photo of his brother as well".

The husband said "What are you talking about? They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

My Mexican friend had twin boys and couldn't come up with names..

I suggested Juan and Two

Old Jewish man goes to confession

And he says, Father, I am 90 years old and Jewish, never been to confession before but I have to get something off my chest. I have been married to my lovely wife for 72 beautiful years, but last night I had a threesome with two blonde twin sister cheerleaders. The priest says, I commend you for coming to confession, but I have to ask first since you are Jewish, why are you telling a Catholic Priest. The old Jewish man says, I am not just telling you Father, I am telling everyone!

My mum asked me to hand out invitations for my younger sister's surprise party...

...That's when I realised she's the favourite twin.

My wife got really mad when she found me kissing her twin during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He is not too thrilled about it either.

What do you call a weatherman's evil twin?

A doppler-gΓ€nger

A woman gave birth to twin boys, but gave them up for adoption.

A woman gave birth to twin boys, but gave them up for adoption. One was adopted by a Mexican family, and they named him Juan.
The other was adopted by a Palestinian couple, and they named him Amal. Years later, the birth mother & her husband wanted to find and meet their two sons they had to give up years ago. They were able to track down Juan and were finally able to meet him. They so overcome with Joy, they started to look for Amal. They searched & searched but couldn't find Amal. The woman was distraught, but her husband tried consoling her: "Honey, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A husband and wife give birth to twins...

...but realized that they simply don't have the money to support a family. They put the twins up for adoption without so much as giving them names, after deciding it was for the best. Soon, one twin is adopted by a Mexican family, and his new family names him Juan. Shortly after, the other twin is adopted by an Egyptian family. His family names him Jamal. Years pass, and one day the couple receives a picture in the mail of Juan.

"Look, honey!", said the wife, "They sent us a picture of Juan! I just wish we could get a picture from Jamal..."

The husband replied, "You don't need one."

"Why?" She asked him.

"Because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal."

Me and my twin brother are 20 years old and never had a job or girlfriend.

Today my dad said if he knew we would have turned out so useless he would have named us thoughts and prayers.

We have collected gags that can be used as Twin pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Twin, here are one liners and funny Twin pick up lines.

Joko Jokes