Twin Brother Jokes

For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You dont know Jack Sh*t." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Sh*t is the only son of Awe Sh*t, who married O Sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep 'N Sh*t, Inc. In turn, Jack Sh*t married No Sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t married Lotta Sh*t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Sh*t. Fulla Sh*t and Giva Sh*t married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Sh*t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Sh*t!

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a
car accident...

A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's not so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

The bell ringer at a church dies...

So they put out an ad for a new ringer, and on the first day a guy shows up for the job. He climbs the bell tower, and rather unexpectedly, he runs and jumps and hits the bell with his face. He continues to ring the bell this way for the rest of the time. The priest thinks it's weird but whatever, he lets him do his job. Within a couple of days, though, the man runs and jumps and misses the bell, falling to his death in front of the church. As the crowd gathers, someone asks "Who is that man?"
Someone else replies "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."
The next day the man's identical twin shows up to replace him as the bell ringer, and the priest hires him. He climbs to the top, runs, jumps, and misses the bell, falling to his death. Once again, the crowd gathers, and someone asks "Now, who was THAT guy?"
Someone else says "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
I was told this joke years ago, and I probably butchered it. The punchline still works, though.

A couple gave their twin boys up for adoption...

...it was a tough decision, but they felt unable to care for them, and decided it was the only way their children would thrive. One of the boys went to a Spanish family, who called their new son Juan. The other went to an Egyptian couple, who named the new addition to their family Ahmal.
20 years past, and the now elderly couple received a surprise in the mail, a letter from Juan, with a recent photo included. The mother was ecstatic, and said to her husband "It is such a blessing to finally see an image of our son, all grown up. I only regret that I cannot see a photo of his brother as well".
The husband said "What are you talking about? They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."

A woman was in labor...

So there's this guy and his pregnant wife right? Well, the wife is pregnant with twins. One day, the soon-to-be-mother goes in labor and her husband takes her to the hospital, along with the wife's brother. While she's having the twins, she passes out, and so does the husband. The next day, she realizes she and her husband passed out, and the only one around to name the twins was her brother. Worried because her brother was quite the prankster she asks the nurse "What did he name the babies?" The nurse replies "Well he named the girl Denice." "Oh that's a nice name. What about my son?" And then, the nurse trying not to laugh, responds "He named your son Denephew."

A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....

...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"
The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."
The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."
"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."

Two identical twins separated at birth...

... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series of coincidences they had found eachother and had tracked down their address. Enclosed was a picture of Juan smiling happily with his adoptive Mexican parents.
"Oh" the mother says to her husband. "he's so handsome! And seems so happy! I wish I knew what his brother looks like."
"Honey" said her husband "They're twins, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Hamal."

You don't know Jack...

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they had 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.
Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they had Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens
brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now you know Jack Schitt.

The Bell Ringer

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
The same two guys walk by.
The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

A woman pregnant with twins goes into labor unexpectedly.

Her brother drove her to the hospital, since her husband was away on business. It was a very risky delivery, and the doctors had to put her under during the procedure.
The woman woke up and immediately asked, "Are my babies okay?"
The nurse on call said reassuringly, "Oh yes, your children were born healthy, a boy and a girl. However -- your brother had to name them because we needed to get the birth certificates filled out."
Nervously, she asked, "What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise," the nurse replied.
Relieved, the woman said, "That's a lovely name! I was worried he'd come up with something truly awful. And my son?"
"Denephew."

A woman goes into a coma...

A woman goes into a coma while pregnant with twins. Her husband dies in the car accident. A few months into the coma, she successfully gives birth to a boy and a girl. Shortly afterward, she wakes up.
"Where are my children? Are they alright?"
The doctor pats her shoulder reassuringly. "Yes, you delivered fine. You gave birth to a healthy boy and girl."
The woman sighs in relief. "Oh thank God. Who named them?"
The doctor frowns. "Your... brother, ma'am."
She lunged from the bed, grabbing him by the collar. "Oh no. He's an idiot. Tell me, WHAT DID HE NAME THEM?!"
"Deniece, he named the girl Deniece," he gasped.
She released her grip. "Oh... that's not too bad. And the boy?"
The doctor shamefully looked at the ground. "Denephew."
*Credit goes to my friend

A husband and wife are unable to have children, so they decide to adopt...

They eventually find a boy from Spain named Juan, and bring him back to America to live with them.
Years later, they learn from the adoption agency that Juan has a twin brother, who was raised by an Arab family. His parents were tragically killed, so the boy, named Amal, needs a home to live. So, since they wanted another kid anyways, they decide to adopt him.
The husband and wife are looking through the adoption papers for Amal a few days before seeing him, and the wife glances at a picture of him, and asks the husband if he would like to know what the boy looks like.
The husband shrugs and says: "Well, they are twin brothers, so I think I already know what he looks like. You know, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.
One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"
Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.
"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.
"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he's on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, leaning over his bed.
Your wife's fine, and she gave birth to two healthy twins, a boy and a girl. The doctors needed names, so I had to name them."
Jim was wary. What'd you name them?
I named the girl Denise, Jack said.
That's a good name, Jim breathed out a sigh of relief. What'd you name the boy?
Denephew.