twenty Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious twenty puns

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One looks at the other and says, man, I blew like, twenty bucks in there!

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

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Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

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Newfie Hooker

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I's makin' love to me wife!", the Newfoundlander answers, annoyed.

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in 'er face!"

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Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

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This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

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A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

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What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

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A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on themβ€”it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

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Not fucked yet.

Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne. The man was eating a human leg while his son was eating some human ribs.THEY WHERE CANNIBALS.

"I'm fucked" the young hiker hopelessly thought. However, at that same moment the clouds opened up and the hand of god appeared and said "No son, you are still not fucked. Steal the spear from one of the guards and put it through the fat kid's forehead". The man was aware that this plan did not sound effective, but he wanted to live and knew that god had to know what he was doing so he trusted him. He ran towards the closest guard, stole his spear, and shot it towards the fatkid's forehead, killing him instantly. The sky opened up again, "NOW you are fucked son".

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

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Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

"Twenty Euros," she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before,
but decides what the hell, it's only twenty
Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the cop.
"I'm making love to me wife," Murphy answers
sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody
light in her face!"

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Irish hooker

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

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I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, *"How much for a blow job?"*

She said, *"Thirty dollars."*

I said, *"Can you do twenty?"*

*"Yeah, okay"*, she replied.

I said, *"Great, here's $600 then."*

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'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen',he said.....

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.

"I'm a professional. In over twenty years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

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"Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted.

"What?! Really?!", I said.

"Yep! Go pack your things and get ready", my dad said. "They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."

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wife dreamed of being at a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

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What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?

The Weasley twins

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Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

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A priest and a bishop were walking downtown...

...when a attractive hooker invitingly said to them, How about it... twenty dollars a pop? They looked at each other quizzically, then said politely to the hooker, No, thank you.

They walked on and another lady of the night asked them, How about it... twenty dollars a pop? And again they declined.

Then the priest asked the bishop, "What the hell is a pop?" and the bishop admitted that he didn't know. They said that they would ask the wise old Mother Superior when they got back to the convent.

When they got back they asked her, "Mother Superior, what's a pop?"

Ol' Mother Superior answered immediately, "Twenty bucks. Same as downtown."

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A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics"
Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not.
After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again.
"Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

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I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

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A man went to visit the doctor because his arm was hurting.

Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please? the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

Hello, Doctor, says the arm. Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!

Aha! says the doctor. I see the problem. Your arm is broke!

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A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years...

Then we met.

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Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

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A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.

Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

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A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.

As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.

The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years.

As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, "Careful, watch out for that corner..."

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DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

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A man is having sex with his wife.

He says "How about I cum in your ear baby?"

His wife replies "No way! I'll go deaf!"

He says "That would never happen. I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years and you never shut the fuck up."

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Medical File

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."

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Three mice walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with the cheese!

The second mouse says, Oh yeah? Well, whenever I see rat poison, I take it all and grind it into powder. Then when morning comes, I use it to flavor my coffee! It helps me get a nice buzz going for the rest of the day!

The third mouse, checking his watch, sighs, stands up and says I've gotta go. I have a date with a cat.

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Two gay deer walk out of a bar...

One turns to the other and says "damn dude, I cant beleive you blew twenty bucks in there"

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A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.

Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.

Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.

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A man and his girlfriend were at a restaurant.

The man was in his mid 50s, and his girlfriend had just turned 19. They were minding their own business, when the man from the next table yells "I hope you burn in Hell." The man and his girlfriend are upset, but they ignore the hateful man. Twenty minutes later, another patron walks by the table and pours his drink all over their food.
"You sick, fucking bastard," says the angry patron, and walks away. The man and his girlfriend are terribly offended, but they do not retaliate.
Eventually, the waiter comes over and says "I saw everything that just happened, and I'm *terribly* sorry, sir. I'll have the chefs bring you a new meal on the house."
"Thank you kindly, sir," said the man. "Those assholes almost ruined our ten year anniversary.

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Dramatic Arts

Little Charlie has had his dreams set on becoming an actor, and, finally, he lands a part in the school play. He runs home after school to tell his dad. "That's fantastic!" his father replies. "Who do you play?" he asks. "Dad, I play a guy who's been married for twenty years!" His dad plants a hand on Charlie's shoulder, smiling sweetly, and says, "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

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A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

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My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."

"Massive hands!"

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My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......

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Hooker

Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.

They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?", asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."

Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face."

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How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

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A man in Texas is driving with twenty penguins in the bed of his pickup…

…when he is stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper approaches and tells the man that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo immediately as they are non-native and not registered to the man as pets. Right away, officer, replies the man, and off he goes.

The following day, the same man is driving on the same road with the same twenty penguins in the bed of his truck. This time, however, the penguins are all wearing sunglasses and straw hats. Sure enough, the man is stopped by the same officer. After pulling the man over, the officer approaches.

What is the meaning of this? I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday, why are they still in the bed of your truck? Did you really think these disguises would fool me?

They're not disguises, officer, you see I DID take them to the zoo yesterdayβ€”in fact, we had so much fun, we're going to the beach today.

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I don't always tell Dad jokes...

But I've been saving the best ones for twenty years, and we're going have such a laugh when he comes back with those smokes!

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A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

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A police officer pulls a guy over.....

and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?

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A woman and a Rabbi

So, an old woman goes to her Rabbi and says "I just won a hundred million dollars in the lottery!"

Her Rabbi Replies "That is wonderful, what are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'm going to donate twenty five million dollars to charity."

"You will do so much good with that money" The Rabbi says

"Then, I will keep twenty five million for myself."

To which the Rabbi says "You deserve the money, you have done so much good in your life."

"The rest of the money will be for building a gold statue of Hitler."

The Rabbi furiously replies "But he has done so much evil to our people, why would you do such a thing?"

The old woman pointed at her wrist and says "He gave me the winning numbers."

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What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk?

Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing

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Troubled arm

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

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How many Grateful Dead Fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just watch it burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

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A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….

...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?

The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.

Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.

Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.

The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.

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An Odd Funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.

"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a funeral like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"

"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.

"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."

"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"

"Get in line." answers the guy.

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Bedroom animals

A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years.
Having knocked back a few, the older husbandΒ turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."
The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then theΒ young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"
The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without sex."
Without missing a beat, MargaretΒ replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."

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A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have the strangest problem. I have silent farts. I fart all the time, but they're silent and they don't smell. In fact, I must have farted twenty times since I came into your office, and you didn't notice a thing. What should I do?"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and says, "Take one of these a day and come back in a week."

A week later, the woman returns, very confused. "Doctor, what did those pills *do*? I still have silent farts, but now they stink like crazy!"

"Good," says the doctor, "we've got your sinuses cleared up. Now let's work on your hearing."

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Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland.

He was the twenty second President.

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"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.


"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, I will not laugh."

The man reluctantly agreed and dropped his trousers. Once he removed his underwear, the doctor saw his penis was the smallest she'd ever seen. Similar in width to a pencil and not much longer than the eraser on the end of one.

The doctor tried her best not to laugh, but couldn't help letting out a chuckle, which she played off as a cough.

"Okay, now what's the problem?" asked the doctor.

"It's swollen."

The doctor left the room.

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Auctions

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

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Two economists walk down a road...

Two economists walk down a road and they see a twenty dollar bill lying on the side-walk. One of them asks is that a twenty dollar bill? Then the other one answers It can't be, because someone would have picked it up already, and they keep walking.

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A priest is walking down the street when he's approached by a hooker....

A priest is walking down the street when he's approached by a hooker. "Twenty bucks for a blow-job, Father," she says.

Startled, the priest hurries back to the church and summons the Mother Superior into his office.

"Mother Superior, what's a blow-job?" he asks her.

She replies, "Twenty bucks, same as in town."

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The story of Turner Brown (language sorta NSFW)

This short, tiny guy is riding in an elevator. Elevator stops and this big, tall, burly sumbitch gets in.

Big guy looks down at the little guy and says "Six foot eight, 280 pounds, twenty inch dick, ten pound left ball, ten pound right ball. Turner Brown" and sticks out his hand.

Little guy just passes out on the floor.

Big guy leans over, slaps him around a little and gets him to come to. Big guy says to the little guy "Sorry man, I didn't mean to freak you out. My name is Turner Brown. That's how I introduce myself. Its nice to meet you."

Little guy gets this relieved look on his face and and says "Oh shit man, I thought you said turn around!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes!

It's called Twenty Pho Seven

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the best thing about fucking twenty six year olds?

It's perfectly legal to fuck someone my own age.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with everything."

The cashier says "That'll be $12.50."

The Buddha gives him a twenty and holds out his hand for the change.

The cashier shakes his head, smiles and says, "Change must come from within."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young man goes up to his father and asks him, "Can i have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

Father replies, " i don't know, are you any good?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

"Applied psychology."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."

After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The flight got a little rough there...

So we're flying home, and about an hour out from our destination the pilot comes on the intercom and gives us the usual - the temperature at our airport, how we're twenty minutes ahead of schedule, if you look at the window you can see this feature of the landscape, etc. Then he adds,

"... and folks, the flight looks pretty smooth from here on out, except for a little patch of turbulence just ahead but we should be... HOLY SHIT! - "

At that moment the plane suddenly dived from an air pocket. Then the turbulence was *really* bad for a while. The pilot never turned his microphone off and you could hear the whole thing over the intercom:

"JESUS HOLY - hold on hold on hold - OH CRAP! Pulling up PULL UP GODDAM IT!!..."

Needless to say, it was all quite exciting and went on like this for a good while. But eventually they got it under control, the plane leveled and we passed out of the turbulence. We could still hear the pilot though:

"Phew - that was something! I could really use a beer and a blow job right now!"

Right away the stewardess *runs* forward, heading into the cockpit. At that point a passenger yells out:

"Don't forget the beer!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got pulled over by a State Trooper

He walked up to the car and said, "Papers."

I replied, "Scissors. I win." and then I drove away.

The motherfucker must want a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last twenty minutes!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Me and my girlfriend have been living a happy life for twenty years.

Then we met.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does bill Clinton say to Hilary after sex?

Honey, I'll be home in twenty minutes

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."

The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!

"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender

The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"

"Well, what do you have?"

"A dollar."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the first Reich?

Did you hear about the first Reich?

Or the second Reich?

The third Reich?

The fifth Reich?

The eight Reich?

Not even the thirteenth Reich?

Perhaps the twenty first Reich?

Huh. I guess you've never met any Fibbonazis.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[NSFW] Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks.

..The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A son goes up to his dad one morning

He says I'm starting a search service! His dad, impressed, goes That's a great idea! Just look how well companies like Google and Bing are doing! The son replies Oh no dad, not that type of search engine. I'll find things around the house for you. For example, five dollars, I'll find your reading glasses. For ten, I'll find your car keys and for twenty I'll find the Tv remote. The dad exclaims At those prices I might as well find them myself! The son smiles and asks Are you sure? I hid them pretty well.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Irish man goes to the doctor...

An Irish man goes to the Doctor...

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a Β£20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a Β£10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "Β£1,990 exactly."

The patient then says...

"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A married couple is asleep in bed...

The man wakes up from his wife slapping him in the face. He shouts at her, "What the hell was that for?" She yells back, "That was for twenty years of bad sex!" The couple goes back to sleep.
Later that night, the man wakes his wife up by slapping *her* in the face. She shouts at him, "What the hell was that for?" He replies, "For knowing the difference."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament

was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.

"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."

At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.

"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.

"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."

"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?

There's 20 of them

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A sad looking man walks into a bar

And orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.

The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"

The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"

This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.

After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"

The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Getting Drunk

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."

"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the most offensive joke you have heard?

Here is a few I've heard:
What's the best thing about sex with twenty one year olds?
There's twenty of them


How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope

What do you call a black woman who's had 7 abortions?
A crime fighter

Whats the difference between a jew and a dollar?
People would care about losing 6 million dollars

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My mom told me my first dirty joke.

Why didn't Cinderella go to the ball?
She didn't want to choke!


I'm twenty three now, I was fourteen when she said it but always stuck with me because my mom was always very polite and didn't tell dirty jokes.
Thanks for all the comments;)!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."

The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."

The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"

The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor

and tells him, "make me one with everything."

The vendor gives him a hot dog and the buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill.
After a moment of waiting, the buddhist asks, "Where's my change?"
The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must come from within."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the nearby town for the first time in 30 years.

As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dad can I?

A young man went up to his father and asks "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father says "I don't know. Are you any good?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner? No.

And do you see the railway line going over the hilltop? I used to drive the trains along that line every day for fifteen years. I used to take people all over the place, and bring letters and parcels from friends and family far away. And do they call me Dewey the Train Driver? No.

And do you see that little chapel up there on the hill? I was the organist there. Forty five years I spent, every week leading the faithful in worship there. And do they call me Dewey the Organist? Oh no.

But you shag one bloody sheep..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fifty Years of Marriage

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Taking the wife hunting.

A man decides he wants to go hunting one week. He gets home from work and tells his wife, "Load up the truck. We're goin hunting." "But I don't want to go hunting." replies the wife. "Well you got three choices. You go hunting, take it in the ass, or give me a blow job. I'm goin to get the dogs ready have your mind made up when I get back." He goes and gets the dogs ready and returns about twenty minutes later. "Well have you made up your mind?" He asks. "Ya, I really don't want to go hunting and I really don't want it in the ass so I guess you get your blow job." "Have it your way." he says unzipping his pants. She starts blowing him but immediately stops and starts spitting. "That tastes like Shit!" She yells. He replies with a grin, "Ya the dogs didn't want to go either."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Americans are getting stronger.

Fifty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Jewish boy

asks his father "Can I have thirty dollars?"

His father replies "Twenty dollars? What do you need ten dollars for?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you know that 2 x 10 is the same 2 x 11

One is twenty and the other is twenty two.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The young nun innocently asked the mother superior, "What is a blowjob?"

"Twenty bucks, same as in town."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A girl and a boy are at recess one day...

Boy : I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb the flagpole
Girl : Ok! (climbs the flagpole)
(Later that day)
Girl : Mommy, mom! A boy payed me money to climb a flagpole!
Mother : (chuckles) He just wants to see your underwear.

-NEXT DAY-

Boy : I'll pay you TWENTY bucks to climb the flagpole.
Girl : Alright! (climbs the flagpole)

-Later that day-

Girl : Mom, the same boy payed me twenty bucks to climb the flagpole; but I tricked him this time, and I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom : .........

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife and i were very happy for twenty years..

but then we met each other.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor

and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There's this band called one thousand and twenty three megabytes

They haven't had any gigs yet.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to the beach...

...while he's walking down the shore he sees a 20-year old, blonde-haired girl sitting in the sand crying. Concerned, the man runs over to her. "What's wrong?" He asks.
"I'm twenty years old and I've never been hugged by someone other than family!" She starts sobbing.
Feeling bad, the man hugs her. "There, now you've been hugged." And walks on.
The next day the man walks on the beach again and sees another girl, this one with black hair, sitting in here chair bawling. "What's wrong?" He asks her.
"I'm 19 and I've never been kissed before!" She whines.
He gives her a small kiss on the lips. "There, now you've been kissed." And he walks on.
The third day of his vacation he sees a brunette, openly crying like the other two women. He sighs. "What's wrong?"
"I'm 18 and I've never been screwed before!"
He picks her up, looks her in the eyes, and tosses her out into the ocean, where sharks surround her.
"There. Now you're screwed."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bowling Ball Delivery

A semi truck driver is hired to deliver a load of bowling balls from Houston to Atlanta. He gets a bonus if he gets it there in under twenty four hours. He's speeding down the highway when he sees two black men walking with a bike. They flag him down and he pulls over. They ask him for a ride since their bike chain was broken. He asks them where they're headed. They tell him that they are headed to a small town in Louisiana. He says "Hop in the back, that's right on my way". They climb in the back. The driver is behind schedule so he goes even faster than before. He is nearly at the border of Texas and Louisiana when he's pulled over by a state trooper. The state trooper walks up to the truck and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The driver explains that he has an important delivery that has to be in Atlanta by tomorrow. "Mind if I take a look in the back?" The driver agrees and the officer walks to the back of the trailer. Moments later he runs back. "Sorry for taking your time. Go ahead." The driver is confused but continues on his way. He finally makes it into Louisiana (still speeding) and is pulled over by another state trooper. The officer starts to walk up to the window when a car speeds up and stops next to him. It was the officer form earlier. Frantically, he yells "Stop! He's got a trailer full of nigger eggs in the back and two of them already hatched and stole a bike!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old woman drinks whisky for the first time.

She thinks for a while, and then says: Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple has a child, but it comes out as only a head...

They go home and place the head on their living room table, where they care for it, feeding, teaching, and entertaining it. For twenty one years they do this.

Then, on the child's twenty-first birthday, the father decides that he wants to take his son out for a drink, so he moves the head to his car and drives it down to the bar.

There, the father tells the bartender to give him two shots. After downing one, he raises the second glass to his son's lips, and the head downs the beer in just a second. Suddenly, a torso appears below the head.

"Bartender! Gimme another shot!" The father yells excitedly. After downing that one as well, the rest of the body appears, and the father is ecstatic.

"Bartender! Gimme one more shot for good luck and to celebrate!" The father yells, amazed at this unexpected sequence of events. As the first bit of alcohol reaches the son's lips, he vanishes completely.

The father, distraught, doesn't know what to do. The bartender shakes his head and says, "Should've quit while he was a head."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's so good about having sex with twenty one year olds?

There's twenty of them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

These manager's joke

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking

I have done it twenty times a day for years now.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man pukes all over himself in the pub...

and turns to his friend to say he has had enough for the night and better be on home to the wife. His friend convinces him to stay out for just one more drink. "Here," his friend says, stuffing a twenty into his shirt pocket, "just tell your wife some random drunk got sick on you and gave you this to pay for cleaning." The man thinks this is a great idea so stays on til closing time, having several more drinks. On his return home he stands on his doorstep fumbling with his keys in the lock, when his wife opens the door, irate. "Where have you been, and what happened to your new suit," she demands. "It's OK love," he says, brandishing the money from his pocket, "some fella got sick on me in the pub and gave me twenty bucks to pay for cleaning." "But you've got forty there," she replies. "Yeah," he says, "that's from the man who shit my pants."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man signs up for an experimental weight loss program......

......and he is told that they expect him to five pounds on the first day, ten pounds on the second day, and twenty pounds on the third day.

Naturally, the man agrees. He is brought to a room with a bed and a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a t shirt that says "If you catch me, you can fuck me." He spends the rest of the day chasing her and loses five pounds.

He returns the second day and is brought to the same room. In there is an even more beautiful woman wearing a t shirt that says, "Catch me, and you can fuck me" printed on it. He chases her, catches her, and loses ten pounds.

He is brought to the same room on the third day but, instead of a beautiful woman, there is a huge, angry gorilla wearing a t shirt that says, "If I catch you, I'm gonna fuck you."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A serial killer was finally caught

Over the course of his criminal career, he has murdered twenty lawyers, but one of his victims didn't fit the pattern, as he was a priest, not a lawyer. When asked about why he murdered the priest, he chuckles and says "Knew nobody would give a damn about twenty lawyers."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

whats the best part about sleeping with twenty-seven year olds?

There are twenty of them

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple had been married for twenty years and whenever they had sex, the husband insisted on turning off the light.

Finally, after all this time, the wife thought it was stupid and decided she would take this unnecessary habit from her husband.

One night, while they made love, she suddenly turned on the lights and saw her husband with a dildo in his hand. She got mad with anger and frustration and shouted at him:

"You bastard, how could you lie to me during all these years?" You better explain yourself!

The husband looked her straight in the eyes and calmly said to her:

"Alright, I'll explain to you about the dildo if you explain to me about our three children."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After my wife died I couldn't look at a woman for twenty years

but when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the first reich?

Did you hear about the first reich?

Or the second reich?

The third reich?

The fifth reich?

The eight reich?

Maybe the thirteenth reich?

Perhaps the twenty first reich?

Huh. You must have never met a fibbonazi

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The chase is on

A man is driving really fast, and a police car is chasing him. Amazingly, the chase goes on for over twenty miles. The man finally stops his car and faces the wrath of the police officer.

The police officer yells at him and says "I've been chasing you for twenty miles, you'd better have a damn good reason for not stopping.

The man says, I am sorry officer, I've had a really bad week. I got fired on Monday, my dog died on Tuesday, the bank foreclosed on Wednesday and just last night my wife ran off with a police officer. The reason I didn't stop was that I thought you were the police officer trying to bring her back.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a man walks into a bar..

...He sits down and notices a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender why it's there.

The bartender says "If you put twenty dollars in, you get to do the challenge."

The man asks "What's the challenge?"

"Well, first you have to drink 10 shots of vodka. We have a bull out back with a bad tooth, so go back there and fix his tooth. Also, there's an old lady who lives across the street who hasn't been pleasured in a while. The last part is to pleasure the old lady; then you win all the money in the jar."

The man decides to take the challenge and puts his money in the jar. The bartender gives him the vodka, which he drinks. Then he walks out back to the bull. After about 10 minutes, he walks back in.

"That first part was too easy.
Now, where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"


πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I'm an asshole stretcher."

The cop pauses in his writing for a sec, dumbfounded. Then asks, "What exactly does that involve?"

"Oh, it's simple," the driver replies, "First you insert a finger, eventually you can get two fingers in, then a fist. After that you can work both hands in and really start stretching it out. After it gets big enough, you can work you feet in there and keep stretching until it's about six feet."

"Six feet?" The cop asks, "What do you do with a six foot asshole?"

"Usually," the guy says, "you give him a radar gun a park him at the end of a bridge."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Einstein, Tesla, Newton, and Pascal are all playing Hide 'N Seek

It is Einstein's turn to be it. So he covers his eyes and slowly counts to 20.

Tesla climbs up a tree, Pascal jumps behind a bush, and Newton stands right where he is and draws a 1m x 1m square around him.

"...eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Ready or not, here I come!" exclaims Einstein. Of course, Newton is the first person he sees so he tags him. "Gotcha, Newton!"

To which Newton responds, "Nope. Pascal!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters bag a deer...

Dave starts butchering, and Bob says he'll be right back after he takes a dump. He walks into the trees, and hangs his butt over a log. About twenty minutes later, Dave realizes Bob is napping on his crapper, and decides to play a joke. He slips around his friend, and dumps some bloody deer intestines under Bob's ass. The he goes back to butchering, and hollers for Bob to hurry it up. He hears Bob getting up, and then "Holy hell!"

Dave chuckles and expects Bob show up a minute later. But a minute turns into several, and when Bob finally wanders out, he looks like death. Dave says, "You okay over there?"

In a trembling voice, Bob replies, "I... I shit out my guts. But with the help of God and a big stick, I got 'em all back in."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. How many didn't?

Ten of them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old woman was in the hospital for a massive heart attack..,

She prayed to God and asked if she would survive. God told her yes, she would live twenty more years. So after she recovered, she decided to have plastic surgery on her face and boobs and hips. Two months later, she was hit by a car and died.

When she got to heaven she said, "God, you told me I had twenty more years! What happened?!"

He replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Irish relatives sent me 20 bags of shit

For me "Twenty turd" birthday..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

He is still dancing

A married couple are out at a dance. There's a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife says to her husband, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bartender

A traveler walks into a bar, asks for the local brew, and the bartender's name.
Bartender says "you must be new here..." And takes out a perfectly pristine glass, sounds it around his hand, and pours a perfect pint. He says "that... Is the perfect pint of beer. I've been pouring the perfect pint of beer for twenty years, but duo they call me perfect pint Tom? No they don't.

You see that chair you're sitting in? I carved that chair myself out of one piece of wood. It's a beautiful design based on Celtic gods with all that imperfections smoothed away, but do they call me carpenter Tom? No they don't.

See those figures on the wall there? They're built into the structure of the building. Every one of them is a different Norse god with accurate mythological detail. I built this whole place on that design, but do they call me Tom the house builder? No they don't." The bartender leans in really close and whispers "Ya fuck a goat one time..."

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After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup

No way! You'll start without me

Don't worry, we'll wait for you

I don't believe you

We promise not to start without you

Reluctantly, Junior leaves.

They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...

After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
I can't take it any longer!!! - and bites the sandwich

At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:

AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years

Then we met

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Americans are getting stronger.

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

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I was twenty minutes late for my train this morning.

Just so it knows how I feel.

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What does an eighty year old woman have in between her boobs that a twenty year old woman doesn't?

A belly button.

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Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?

Fortuneteller: No, PLN.

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A couple is short on money… [NSFW]

The wife is excellent at blowjobs, so the husband convinces his wife to go out and "offer her services" on the street.

She comes back the next morning looking tired and says, "Well, it was hard work, but I made four hundred dollars and twenty five cents."

The husband said, "Who gave you the quarter?"

The wife replied: "They all did."

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Two greyhound are sitting in a stable

They are both boasting to each other about their racing victories. The first dog says "I've won six of my last ten races". The second dog replies with "That's nothing, I've won fourteen of my last twenty races". At this point, a fed up racehorse pokes his head round the corner and says "You're both pathetic, I've won ninety-nine of my last hundred races, and only lost one because I was ill. The dogs look at each other, amazed.
"Bloody hell, did you see that? A talking horse!"

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Two deers walk out of a gay bar

One said: I can't believe i just blew twenty bucks in there

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Opening a new Pho restaurant that never closes

Going to call it Twenty Pho Seven.

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What do you call the Mexican airforce?

Twenty Juan Pilots

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You brought religion into my life

A man looks at his wife of twenty years and tells her, "Honey, you've brought religion into my life." She responds by asking how. "Well, before I married you, I didn't believe in Hell."

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I went to a party with my girlfriend.

I got quite upset because everyone called me a pedo because I was thirty and she was twenty. So finally,I said "That's it baby, we're leaving. I'm not going to let them ruin our tenth anniversary."

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This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.

He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.

It was a different elephant.

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Expecting Wife

Just as Dave was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."

At least two nights a week for twenty years Dave had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.

When Dave entered the living room he was suprised to see a thief. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house.

As the theif was about to leave Dave said, "You have to go and meet my wife."

The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

Dave replied, "Well, she's been expecting you since 20 years."

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What do you call a white guy surrounded by twenty five Indians?

Bartender.

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My uncle started a cult,

...And married twenty women. People are telling me it's a terrible situation, but I think there's a lot of nuance.

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Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years...

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you? " Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust. "
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible. " Ed said. "What business were you in? "
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted."

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The dry cleaning bill.

A businessman is drinking heavily in a bar and suddenly pukes all over himself.
He is really bummed out and mumbles his wife is going to kill him.
"No worries" says the bartender, "put a twenty in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife some other guy puked on you and gave you the twenty bucks for dry cleaning."
"That's a great idea" slurs the drunk.
When he gets home his wife, as expected, is disgusted with him.
But he tells her about the twenty bucks in his pocket for dry cleaning.
She reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the money.
"There is $40 in here" she says.
"Oh yeah" says the drunk. "He shit in my pants too!"

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My wife makes love like a chess player.

Every twenty minutes, she moves.

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For twenty years my wife and I were very happy people...

...then we met.

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A Soviet man is waiting in line for bread...

After waiting for an hour, we shouts, "I've had enough of this! I'm going to assassinate Gorbachev!" He walks off to the Kremlin.

Twenty minutes later, he comes back and the crowd asks if he succeeded. "No," he says, "the line to assassinate him was even longer."

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I remember the first twenty dollars I ever made

I got five years for it.

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I walked into a singles bar and spotted a gorgeous female at the bar. "Would you like to play on my twenty foot organ?" I asked her.

She coyly replied "Sure let's go".

You should have seen the look on her face when I brought her to my church and asked her to accept Jesus into her heart.

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What are the best Twenty puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Twenty? Well, here are the best jokes about Twenty to have fun with.

Joko Jokes