twenty Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious twenty stories

What are the best twenty puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Twenty? Well here is a complete list of the top twenty jokes:

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside


I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.


Two guys are walking down a dark alley

when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.

They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."


I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."


A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."


How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.


A police officer pulls a guy over.....

and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?


The Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with everything."

The cashier says "That'll be $12.50."

The Buddha gives him a twenty and holds out his hand for the change.

The cashier shakes his head, smiles and says, "Change must come from within."


Dad can I?

A young man went up to his father and asks "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father says "I don't know. Are you any good?"


A Jewish boy

asks his father "Can I have thirty dollars?"

His father replies "Twenty dollars? What do you need ten dollars for?"


Einstein, Tesla, Newton, and Pascal are all playing Hide 'N Seek

It is Einstein's turn to be it. So he covers his eyes and slowly counts to 20.

Tesla climbs up a tree, Pascal jumps behind a bush, and Newton stands right where he is and draws a 1m x 1m square around him.

"...eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Ready or not, here I come!" exclaims Einstein. Of course, Newton is the first person he sees so he tags him. "Gotcha, Newton!"

To which Newton responds, "Nope. Pascal!"


I was talking to my buddy Adam Lanza and I asked him if he'd wanna date my 25-year-old friend. He said, "Yeah! I love taking out twenty - five year olds!"


What does an eighty year old woman have in between her boobs that a twenty year old woman doesn't?

A belly button.


You brought religion into my life

A man looks at his wife of twenty years and tells her, "Honey, you've brought religion into my life." She responds by asking how. "Well, before I married you, I didn't believe in Hell."


I went to a party with my girlfriend.

I got quite upset because everyone called me a pedo because I was thirty and she was twenty. So finally,I said "That's it baby, we're leaving. I'm not going to let them ruin our tenth anniversary."


I wish you did too

A man and woman exit a bar. They are really wanting to have sex and seeing as how it is to bright in front of the bar, they cross the street and go far back into the woods until they can't see any of the lights. Stripping down they get right to it. After twenty minutes, the guy stops and declares "I wish I had a damn flashlight." To which the woman replies "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past fifteen minutes."


What's the best part about dating 26 year olds?

There's twenty of them.


Free ride

Tourist to Taxi driver: "How much is it to the airport?"

Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty."

Tourist: "And how much is it for the luggage?"

Taxi driver: "The luggage, of course, is free."

Tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking."


What do a 14 year old and an open bucket of bleach have in common?

For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler.

-&y (yup, mine)


Humorous jokes: A man in a bar

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, Here…paint my house.


Geeky guy gets sent to jail...

Geeky little guy gets sent to jail and is banged up with a tough twenty stone lifer.

"Anyone who shares my cell has to play mummies and daddies, who d'ya wanna be?" asked the big man, "Mummy or daddy?"

Terrified the little man splutters out "Er, daddy, I will be daddy"

To which the big guy says, "Then come over here and suck mummy's cock".


One hillbilly says to the other, "You wanna play twenty questions?"

The other hillbilly asks, "What's that?"

He says, "I write something on a piece of paper and you get twenty questions to guess what it be."

So he takes out a piece of paper and writes "donkey dick" on it.

The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, "Can you eat it?"

And the first hillbilly replies, "Well, I reckon you can." The other one says, "Is it donkey dick?"


What's the bet part about having sex with twenty two year olds?

There's twenty of them!


I won the dirty joke contest at scout camp with this

What's the best thing about twenty-two year olds? There's twenty of them.

It's better said then written.


What the best part about having 28 year olds in your

There are twenty of them.


What's the best thing twenty eight year olds?

There's twenty of them.


Twenty Jews walk into a public restroom

Never again.


What do you call twenty black men on a bus?

Prison transfer.


What's the best part about fucking 23 year old girls?

There's twenty of them.


So this guy walks into a bar,

So this guy walks into a bar, sits down and finds a jar full of twenties sitting next to the register. Curious, he asks the bartender, "So, what's with the jar?"

The bar tender replies, "That's a contest we have, the rules are simple, you have to put a twenty in the jar, and I will give you a bottle of pepper tequila which you must down in one tilt of the bottle. Then, you go out back where a dog with a sore tooth is chained up, you must pull out the dogs tooth. Last, there is an eighty year old woman who has never cum, once in her life, you must make her feel like a woman."

The man laughs and declines but after a few drinks puts twenty in the jar and takes the bottle. He smashes it back and stumbles to the back door. "The dog's out back?" The bartender nods and the man walks out. After almost a half hour of growling, barking and yelling, the man returns with his clothes torn up and asks, "Now where's that lady with the sore tooth again?"


What's the best thing about having sex with Twenty Five year olds?

There's 20 of them.


What's the best part about banging twentynine year olds?

There's twenty of them.


Cicero walks into a bar

Cicero walks into a bar and says 'may I have some hoc'. The barman looks puzzled for a minute, then says 'sorry, I don't think I've ever heard of that'. Cicero says 'you know, hoc, as in hic haec hoc'. Barman tells him to sit down. Twenty minutes pass and nothing happens. Cicero then goes up to the bar again in a hot funk and demands to know what the problem is. The barman says 'well, at first you asked for some hoc, but then you declined it'.


What did the stoner say to the non-stoner?

four hundred twenty combust it homosexual


What kind of sex do you have with twenty seven year olds?

Any kind you want, there's twenty of them.


Whats the best thing about doing twenty four year olds?

Theres twenty four of them.


How do you have sex with twenty seven year olds?

Any way you want; there are twenty of 'em.


Bowling Ball Delivery

A semi truck driver is hired to deliver a load of bowling balls from Houston to Atlanta. He gets a bonus if he gets it there in under twenty four hours. He's speeding down the highway when he sees two black men walking with a bike. They flag him down and he pulls over. They ask him for a ride since their bike chain was broken. He asks them where they're headed. They tell him that they are headed to a small town in Louisiana. He says "Hop in the back, that's right on my way". They climb in the back. The driver is behind schedule so he goes even faster than before. He is nearly at the border of Texas and Louisiana when he's pulled over by a state trooper. The state trooper walks up to the truck and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The driver explains that he has an important delivery that has to be in Atlanta by tomorrow. "Mind if I take a look in the back?" The driver agrees and the officer walks to the back of the trailer. Moments later he runs back. "Sorry for taking your time. Go ahead." The driver is confused but continues on his way. He finally makes it into Louisiana (still speeding) and is pulled over by another state trooper. The officer starts to walk up to the window when a car speeds up and stops next to him. It was the officer form earlier. Frantically, he yells "Stop! He's got a trailer full of nigger eggs in the back and two of them already hatched and stole a bike!"


A nurse got a new job....

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."

"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out the room.


The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the nearby town for the first time in 30 years.

As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".


So a Jewish kid asks his dad for $30...

His dad says, "twenty bucks! What do you need ten bucks for?!"


What's the best part of having sex with twenty one year olds?

There's twenty of 'em.


A couple has a child, but it comes out as only a head...

They go home and place the head on their living room table, where they care for it, feeding, teaching, and entertaining it. For twenty one years they do this.

Then, on the child's twenty-first birthday, the father decides that he wants to take his son out for a drink, so he moves the head to his car and drives it down to the bar.

There, the father tells the bartender to give him two shots. After downing one, he raises the second glass to his son's lips, and the head downs the beer in just a second. Suddenly, a torso appears below the head.

"Bartender! Gimme another shot!" The father yells excitedly. After downing that one as well, the rest of the body appears, and the father is ecstatic.

"Bartender! Gimme one more shot for good luck and to celebrate!" The father yells, amazed at this unexpected sequence of events. As the first bit of alcohol reaches the son's lips, he vanishes completely.

The father, distraught, doesn't know what to do. The bartender shakes his head and says, "Should've quit while he was a head."


So I walked into the post office yesterday...

And I saw an old friend from high school! It had been over twenty years! She had her back turned to me and I was just excited! So I walked up to her and put my hand on her shoulder and when she turned around it wasn't her, so I said, "I'm sorry, you're not who I thought you were. You looked like Hellen Brown!" She said, "You oughta see me in my blue dress!"


What's the best part about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

There are twenty of them


So a man walks into a bar..

...He sits down and notices a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender why it's there.

The bartender says "If you put twenty dollars in, you get to do the challenge."

The man asks "What's the challenge?"

"Well, first you have to drink 10 shots of vodka. We have a bull out back with a bad tooth, so go back there and fix his tooth. Also, there's an old lady who lives across the street who hasn't been pleasured in a while. The last part is to pleasure the old lady; then you win all the money in the jar."

The man decides to take the challenge and puts his money in the jar. The bartender gives him the vodka, which he drinks. Then he walks out back to the bull. After about 10 minutes, he walks back in.

"That first part was too easy.
Now, where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"


This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.

He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.

It was a different elephant.


What's the best thing about twenty nine year olds?

There's 20 of them


Two greyhound are sitting in a stable

They are both boasting to each other about their racing victories. The first dog says "I've won six of my last ten races". The second dog replies with "That's nothing, I've won fourteen of my last twenty races". At this point, a fed up racehorse pokes his head round the corner and says "You're both pathetic, I've won ninety-nine of my last hundred races, and only lost one because I was ill. The dogs look at each other, amazed.
"Bloody hell, did you see that? A talking horse!"


What's the best part about having sex with twenty-one year old's?

There's twenty of them.



You've red some of the best twenty jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about twenty. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty twenty gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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