twelve Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious twelve puns

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.

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Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.


The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"


The guy says, "Only 75 cents."

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What did Kate Middleton find out on her wedding night?

That not all rulers are twelve inches long

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Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"

I was twelve and I finally figured it out....

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I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet.

So far I've got twelve fridges.

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Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

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twelve year old son

I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today, a man told the barman after his second whiskey.

That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it? The barman said.

Not on fucking eBay it isn't!

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A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

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I like my women like I like my wine...

Twelve years old and in the cellar.

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A man asked his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery?"

She said "take half and leave your ass."
"Good," he replied. I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out."

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Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport...

Twelve women, three periods each.

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Three cowboys are sitting around a fire arguing over which one is the toughest

The first one says "I'm the toughest sumbitch in the land! One time a rattlesnake bit me, so grabbed it and bit it straight back!" The next cowboy said "That aint nothin'! Last year I fought twelve men over a rock to use as a pillow!" The third one doesn't say a word. He just sits there, poking the fire with his penis

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The man says to the bartender...

"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"

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I met a girl with a twelve nipples.

Sounds funny.

Dozen tit

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I once dated a girl with twelve nipples

Sounds weird, dozentit?

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A guy goes into a bar...

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd be drinking fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."

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Twelve priests are about to do their final test before being ordained...

In order to confirm their virtue a bell is tied on their penis and they all have to stand in line and watch a naked woman dance in front of them. If the bell rings they have failed and get kicked out of the church.

Eleven priests pass the test but the twelfth fails. The bell rings and falls down. Embarrassed as he is he bends over to pick it up, his robes falls off during the ordeal.. And eleven more bells can be heard.

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What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit?

A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.

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Have you heard the one about the woman with twelve breasts?

Me neither, but it sounds uncomfortable, dozen tit?

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Why is twelve an unfair number?

Because it's two against one

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Did you know that there was a woman with twelve breasts?

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

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What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old?

Her hips.

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Top Gear was twelve years old...

That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.

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How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.

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A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.

A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.

Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.

A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.

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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

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Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!

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A programmer heads to the shops

His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

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A wife sends her programmer husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

When the husband returns, he's carrying twelve gallons of milk?

"Why did you buy twelve gallons of milk" asks the wife.

"Because they had eggs" says the husband.

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Condoms

A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the condom aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.

The father says, Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

The boy asks, Who are the six packs for?

The father responds, those are for college students. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

The boy responds, Ooo! What are the twelve packs for then?

The father sighs and says, Those... are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

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A woman with twelve breasts sounds unusual,

Dozen tit?

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Leroy

There was a man who goes to the bank and sees a woman with twelve children. He's astonished that this woman has so many children with her and so he approaches her and says, "Wow that sure is a lot of kids are they yours?"


The woman says "Yes all twelve are mine." The man shocked by this replies "What are there names." She says "Leroy, one e for the girls and two e's for the boys." At this the man is really surprised and asks "doesn't that get confusing?" She says "No it's great I just call for one and they all come. I say Leroy time for breakfast and there they all come down. I say Leroy time for school and they all come down and get on the bus."


The man considers this and asks "Yes but what if you want just one Leroy what do you do then?" She looks him dead in the eye and says "Oh that's easy I just call them by their last name."

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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 jokes and another 2 jokes, and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get twelve from?!"

Johnny: "Because I would repost them!"

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A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries

She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen.

He came home with twelve loaves of bread

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What are the most funny Twelve jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Twelve? Well, here are the best Twelve dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Twelve pick up lines to share with friends.

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