Twelve Jokes
145 twelve jokes and hilarious twelve puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about twelve that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Omega is a twelve year old who loves to make jokes. These unique and funny jokes will make you laugh out loud. From zit jokes to twenty jokes, Omega has it all to make you laugh.
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Funniest Twelve Short Jokes
Short twelve jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The twelve humour may include short thirteen jokes also.
- I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie. - What did kate middleton find out on her wedding night? That not all rulers are twelve inches long
- What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters? The mailman
- After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor. Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.
- What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a Zit? A zit will wait till your twelve years old to come on your face.
- At age 12, I started responding, "Twelving like a pro." whenever someone asked me what I was up to. Growing older, I've begun to wonder if the payoff will really be worth it by age 69.
- I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today, I told the bartender. That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.
Not on Amazon it isn't" I said. - I've decided to become a better father, so I'm down to five cigarettes a day now. The rest of the pack I give to my twelve year old son.
- This is a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Last I heard he was in a twelve step program.
I'll see myself out. - How many twitter people does it take to change a light bulb Twelve million and one. One to change the lightbulb and twelve million to complain about how that one person ruined light bulbs forever
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Twelve One Liners
Which twelve one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with twelve? I can suggest the ones about eleven and twenty two.
- I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.
- I like my women like I like my wine... Twelve years old and in the cellar.
- Why can't a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
- Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport... Twelve women, three periods each.
- Why is twelve an unfair number? Because it's two against one
- What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old? Her hips.
- BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months
- How much is twelve units of mass? Dozen matter.
- What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick? A football.
- How long should socks be? Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot!
- My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number. I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.
- Which fruit is most like a number? ... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...
- What do fortnite and your mom have in common? Every twelve year old is into them.
- Office hours of the Senate are from twelve to one... with an hour off for lunch.
- Jesus wouldn't have been good at Twitter He would've only had twelve followers.
Twelve Year Old Jokes
Here is a list of funny twelve year old jokes and even better twelve year old puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I like my women like I like my wine. Twelve years old and in my basement.
(Joke was told to me by my cousin) - I like my women like I like my whisky Twelve years old and named Jack Daniel's for some reason
- How are the start of a hockey game and a twelve year old girl alike? They're both having their first period.
*This joke is presented courtesy of my boyfriend* - Jarrod has a 6 inch for breakfast a 6 inch for lunch and a twelve year old for dinner.
- My wife has the body of a twelve year old. Not bad considering her age..
- My twelve year old son just got engaged to an older man. He went to Jared!
Twelve Or Six Jokes
Here is a list of funny twelve or six jokes and even better twelve or six puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Whether it is six inches or twelve inches filling me... I'll still pick Subway over Quiznos.
Twelve Hour Jokes
Here is a list of funny twelve hour jokes and even better twelve hour puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
- You should try my new thing, it's hard to start doing but once you do it its hard to stop. I sometimes do it for twelve hours straight. I call it sleep
- After spending up to twelve hours a day on Facebook for years, my grandfather died yesterday.
Cheeky Twelve Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about twelve you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fourteen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make twelve pranks.
Gurl, if I could rearrange the alphabet
I would make the first twelve letters be E,T,A,O,I,N,S,H,R,D,L and U. Those being the approximate order of the most frequently appearing letters in the English alphabet.
Number 12...
A man is walking down the street when he begins to hear yelling. The man notices it's coming from the court yard of a mental hospital. Once he gets closer he notices they are all yelling the number 12. The fence being too high, he peaks through a hole into the fence to see why they are yelling twelve. To his surprise he gets poked in the eye and begins hearing everyone yell 13...13...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twelve monks were about to be ordained...
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, n**..., in a garden while a n**... model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
Vladimir Nabokov walks into a bar...
The bartender looks to him and says, "What'll it be?" He orders a glass of Redbreast and chats with the bartender awhile. The night grows old and the bar starts to clear out. Eventually he says to the barkeep, "You know, I like my whiskey like I like my women." The barkeep sets aside a freshly polished glass and says, "Yeah, I like my whiskey twelve years old, too."
Leroy
There was a man who goes to the bank and sees a woman with twelve children. He's astonished that this woman has so many children with her and so he approaches her and says, "Wow that sure is a lot of kids are they yours?"
The woman says "Yes all twelve are mine." The man shocked by this replies "What are there names." She says "Leroy, one e for the girls and two e's for the boys." At this the man is really surprised and asks "doesn't that get confusing?" She says "No it's great I just call for one and they all come. I say Leroy time for breakfast and there they all come down. I say Leroy time for school and they all come down and get on the bus."
The man considers this and asks "Yes but what if you want just one Leroy what do you do then?" She looks him dead in the eye and says "Oh that's easy I just call them by their last name."
How many bagels do you get when you order a dozen?
Twelve.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my girls like I like my whisky...
twelve years old and mixed up in coke.
Frank and Ben are talking…
Frank: "Hey, Ben, can you keep a secret?"
Ben: "Of course! I'm great at keeping secrets!"
Frank: "Great! So, I—"
Ben: "Why, I used to wet the bed until I was twelve, but I never told anyone!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I decided to buy nineteen dollars worth of white guilt the other day...
...or as other people call it Twelve Years A s**....
A mother to her programmer son...
"Son, go to the shop and buy one milk bottle, also, if there are eggs, buy 12" Says the mother. So the son goes to the shop and returns with twelve bottles of milk. The surprised mother asks:
"Why in the world did you bring 12 bottles!?"
"Because there were Eggs"
How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve, one to change it and the other eleven to start a support group called "recovering from the darkness"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
HOLLYWOOD
They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a s**... but id only been married for 10
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy and his father are walking through a pharmacy when they pass by the c**... aisle.
Seeing the different packages and count, the boy curiously points them out and asks his father what they're for.
"Well son, the three pack is for the highschool couples so they can safely have s**..., once every other day."
He looks to the eight pack. "Those are for the college couples, twice a week."
Finally he looks at the twelve pack. "And those," he sighs, "are for the married couples. Once in January, once in February, once in March..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twelve Italian priests...
...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally n**..., in a garden while a s**..., beautiful, big breasted, n**... model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a brothel, slaps down a few hundred dollars, and exclaims, "I want twelve inches, and I want them to hurt!"
So the doorman smacks her face with a ruler.
I've just got back from the opticians.
Apparently I have 20/20 hindsight.
If only I knew when I was twelve.
What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?
A year in prison if there's any justice.
Did youhear about the Newfie abortion clinic?
It's so busy there's a twelve month waiting list.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A New Kind of Speech Therapy
So there is a twelve year old boy who has never uttered a sound. He just DOESN'T speak. His mother has spent a fortune on various doctors, but no success.
One day she meets an old friend who's child had a similar problem. She suggested a certain specialist who might be able to help, but she said "I have to warn you, his methods are a little frightening!".
The woman takes her son to this new doctor, and he gives the boy a complete physical examination. At one point the Doc asks the boy to drop his shorts, and close his eyes. The boy does so, and the doctor grabs the boys t**... and twists them.
The boy screams out "AAAAAAYYYY!!!"
The doctor says "Good. Tomorrow we work on B!".
A man walks into a bar and sees a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
He asks the bartender about it and is tould that there is a genie in the bar that will give a one a free wish. Then, the bartender tells him that somebody asked for a million bucks the day before but was instead given a million ducks, so the genie must be hard of hearing. So the man asks the bartender "what did you ask for" and the bartender said "do you really think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist."
My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.
I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
She said, "I want twelve inches and I want it to hurt!"
So I s**... her twice and hit her in the head with a brick
I have two kids, they are twelve and ten.
What? Their names seemed cool at the time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... dies and God calls him
After h**... dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"
h**... answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".
God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".
"See, not even you care about Jews!"
Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
The wife of a programmer tells him..
"Honey, would you please go to the store and get us a watermelon for the barbeceu. If they have eggs get a dozen."
He came back with twelve watermelons.
I once told a woman I could give her twelve inches.
I just needed to make four three inch installments.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: What did the judge say about the man shot twelve times by the police?
A: The most horrific s**... scenario I have ever heard of.
How many seconds are there in a year?
Twelve
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
p**... answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said p**....
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked p**...
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said p**... and hung up the phone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a twelve faced shape made out of g**...?
A dodickahedron.
While the Lord God put Adam to sleep to remove one rib
Bill Cosby put Eve to sleep to add twelve ribs
Two Germans are talking about 9/11....
One said : How much terroristen died zat dey? Twelve? The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: why do the gay guys like midnight?
A: twelve DONGS!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my girlfriends like I like my scotch
Twelve years old and mixed up with coke
A twelve year old is watching ghostbusters 2 for the first time with his father.
Kid : Dad what's that?
Dad : A walkman
Kid : and that?
Dad : A dark room for devoloping photos.
Kid : and those?
Dad : The twin towers.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois.
When I was twelve, I found them.
A prisoner was half way through his ten to twelve stretch when he was beaten and fell into a comma
, which helped him finish his sentence.
Only people who paid attention in history class will remember...
What work of ancient law is the Roman Twelve Tables similar to?
The Code of Harambe
What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common?
They can both be ended with a twelve step program
#3335
I first heard this one from my brother when I was twelve and it's been a favorite ever since!
A priest....
A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple had just finished having fantastic s**...
A young couple had just finished having fantastic s**.... Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, What happened to the five other condoms?
He rather nervously and shiftily replied, Errmm, I m**... with them.
The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, Have you ever done that?
He replied, Yeah, a few times.
She said, You mean you've actually m**... with a c**... before?
Oh! he said, I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend.
Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...
Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."
Lisa: "Okay."
They go into the dark closet.
Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"
Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."
A farmer wins twelve million dollars on the lotto max.
A reporter asks him what he plans to do with his new found wealth?
Well I'll just keep on farming till it's gone I guess.
How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve. 1 to change the lightbulb, and 11 to say "Aw, he's so brave".
Why are there so many accidents during snowstorms?
Because nobody wants to trudge through twelve inches of snow to buy condoms.
Hearing Aid
My neighbor just told me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Female hormones in a beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.
A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.
Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.
A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.
What do Dating & Blackjack Have In Common?
I always hit on a soft twelve.
Did you hear about the pirate who buried all of his gold under an X?
He got twelve years when police found her body.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't know the meaning of the word "quit." I was going to look it up, but...
I still have some suicidal thoughts, but most of them have already killed themselves.
I'm a perfectionist. I've been writing and rewriting a s**... note for twelve years. It's killing me.
My friend asked, Must you write so many s**... jokes?
Don't worry. I'll stop soon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend's call me a p**... just because my girlfriend "looks thirteen".
Jokes on them, though. She's actually twelve.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roy Moore likes his women like he likes his Scotch
Aged twelve years, mixed up with coke, and stored in the basement
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw someone buy twelve dozen bagels.
Isn't that kind of *g**...* ??
Why was Twelve scared of Eleven?
Because Eleven has telekinetic abilities.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad peels banana...
When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...
Dad:
peels the first s**... of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second s**......
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"
Me: "What happened to the Four skin"
Dad: "Jewish banana"
I was twelve and I finally figured it out....
Everyone says that Apollo 13 is a great movie
But do I have to watch twelve movies first to understand the plot???
Would you like the pizza cut into eight or twelve slices?
Just eight, I don't think I could eat twelve!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Condoms
A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the c**... aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.
The father says, Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.
The boy asks, Who are the six packs for?
The father responds, those are for college students. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.
The boy responds, Ooo! What are the twelve packs for then?
The father sighs and says, Those... are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...
Today I turned on the TV and saw twelve Thai boys, a soccer coach and a happy ending.
I've already seen this movie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What rhymes with twelve?
s**...
Guy goes into a bar
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Only 75 cents."
