twat Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious twat puns

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat."

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TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

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A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said is it massive
Kevin replies huge
Then the bloke says how many feet
Kevin says none its a snake you twat

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2 Dinosaurs were sat on a beach watching as a ship sailed into the sunset

One dinosaur turns to the other and says "That Noah's a bit of a twat isn't he."

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I'll never forget my grandpas last words...

Quit messing around with my life support cord you twat

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[NSFW] An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl.

"I took her on a date last night," bragged the Orc.
"And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy twat!"

"Liar." Says the Elf.
"It's true! She loved it. Go ask her." Says the Orc.

So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit.
"Is it true that you went on a date with that Orc?"

"Oh yes, he was wonderful." Says the hobbit. "Best foot massage I ever had."

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So, a really, really, REALLY ugly woman, ugliest you will ever see, with a terrible attitude to boot, walks into a department store...

...with her two kids in tow. The manager of the store gets close to her and asks:
"Twins?"
The mother makes a huge, contorted face, and, incredible as it might seem, looks even uglier.
"No, you imbecilic twat. Bruce, that's the oldest, is nine, and Miranda is seven. What sort of question is that? Do you think they look alike, you freaking clown?"
"Actually" says the manager "I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you were fucked twice!"

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My colleague at work said I'm a gullible twat.

Who am I to argue with the current WWE champion?

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Sherlock Holmes goes camping

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping one night.
They've had a great evening but it's getting late so they go to sleep.
In the middle of the night Holmes elbows Watson awake and says - Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce. Watson looks up and says - Well, there's million of stars out there and if just some of them are like are star then maybe some of them have planets and if some of those planets are like our planet then maybe........just maybe....... there's two other people out there right now looking at our star and wondering the same thing.
No you twat, says Holmes, someone's stolen our tent!

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I called my friend a twat for stealing from gardens.

I hope he doesn't take a fence.

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What do you call an Arabian man flying a plane?

A pilot you racist twat

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Trying out that new pickup line on a girl for the first time;

whether it works or not, you'll wind up feeling a twat.

*EYYYYYY*

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Someone I faintly know said to me

"I see you don't cut your hair any longer".

"Of course not you silly twat, I cut it shorter"

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In bed with my Japanese girlfriend

In bed with my Japanese girlfriend when I happened to remark that her twat was getting a bit saggy .......... She lost it and said " Fack you maddafacka, why you always clittysizing me"!!!

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I became a proud dad today.

My son's actually five but he was a boring little twat for the first four years.

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Mary Mary Quite Contrary How does your garden grow?

I live in a flat you fucking twat so how the fuck should I know

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Victoria Beckham got her twat shaved.

He still looks ridiculous.

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I wish 'twitter' was an irregular verb so we could conjugate it thusly: twitter, twat, twitten

huehue

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I finished 3/4 of my Tea before adding some water.

I love Twat

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What a driver!

A man walks into a bar spitting on the floor, "what a driver, pfft. What a driver pfft." The barman asks what he's on about. "Well there was a parking space, pfft, out in the car park, pfft, the size of a smart car, pfft, this flash twat turns up in a brand new BMW, pfft, well I said to the guy, pfft, "if you can park your car in that space I'll give you oral sex!".....pfft, What a driver!"

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What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

An itchy, twitchy twat.

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What's the opposite of a cock block?

Twat swat!

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Do you know what Twitter is?

It's the spot between your twat and shitter.

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It was a year ago today my dad died

I will always remember the last words he spoke

"Keep the fucking ladder still you twat!"

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What do you call a man with two hats?

Twat

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What is the difference between Sara Palin's moth and her twat?

Only half of the things that came from her twat are retarded.

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A survey recently revealed that 50% of people shit in the shower, do you know what the other 50% do?

I didn't think so you filthy twat!

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They say that every group of friends has one guy whos an absolute twat

Not true, none of my friends are twats, in fact, they're all really nice, every time we go clubbing they always give me compliments about my blazer.

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Why does Victoria beckham shave her twat?

Because he can't be trusted with the razor.

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Injury Lawyers 4 U

Have you been injured? Had a car accident? Fell over on a wet floor at work or tripped on an uneven curb? ... If so, you're a clumsy twat

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Chewbacca Twat

If Chewbacca had a Twatt would it be considered a Chwat?

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Someone told me not be a dick about Caitlyn Jenner

I said "Should I be a twat instead?"

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Twat did you say?

I cunt hear you.
Iv got an ear infucktion.
Better assk again.

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Why does Noddy wear a hat with a little bell on it?

Because he's a twat

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What do you call a lean, taut woman in Boston?

Twat.

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What are the most funny Twat jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Twat? Well, here are the best Twat dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Twat pick up lines to share with friends.

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