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Turtle Jokes

169 turtle jokes and hilarious turtle puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about turtle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of turtle jokes. These jokes are perfect for kids and adults alike.

Funniest Turtle Short Jokes

Short turtle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The turtle humour may include short frog jokes also.

  1. A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks "hard back?"
    The guy replies "yeah little heads too."
  2. A man walks into a library... And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"
    "Hard back?"
    "Yeah, with little heads"
  3. I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles. The cashier said : hardback?
    I said: yeah and little heads
  4. I went to a bookstore and asked the assistant for a book on Turtles.. "Hardback?" she asked
    "Yes, with little heads" I said
  5. A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I don't know. It all happened so fast.
  6. I walked into a bookshop Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"
    Them "Hard back?"
    Me: "Yeah, with little heads"
  7. So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles "Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."
  8. The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael They didn't have his sai's.
  9. I went into the library and asked for a book on turtles. the lady said, "hardback?"
    I replied, "yes, with little wrinkled heads"
  10. My 5 year old told me this. What did the snail say while on top of a turtle? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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Turtle One Liners

Which turtle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with turtle? I can suggest the ones about unicorn and hamster.

  1. What do you call a female turtle? A clitortoise.
  2. What do you call a turtle with a hard on? -A slow poke.
  3. What batteries do turtles use? Durashells
  4. where do you find a legless turtle? right where you left it
  5. My 5 year olds joke Why did the turtle cross the road
    To get to the shell station
  6. What did the snail say as it rode on the turtle's back? WEEEEEEEEE!
  7. What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle? A slow poke.
  8. The gun fight between the turtles and tortoise was barbaric! Empty shells everywhere.
  9. What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia? A clitortise
  10. What kind of photos do turtles take? Shellfies
  11. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
  12. What do you call a turtle that hates women? An inshell
  13. Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they only have little ears.
  14. What happens to a turtle when it dies? It goes into riga-tortoise
  15. What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke

Turtle Shell Jokes

Here is a list of funny turtle shell jokes and even better turtle shell puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery? Dura-Shell
  • Why did the turtle stop the car? To get gas at the shell station.
  • What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas? He went to the Shell station.
  • What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell? Ereptile dysfunction
  • Do you think turtles live longer than humans because... they live a shell-tered life?
  • Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station!
  • How do turtles communicate? With shell phones.
  • What type of jokes do turtles like? Shell-arious ones.
    (My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)
  • The comments about Mitch McConnell looking like a turtle without a shell are particularly apt... since he's clearly missing his spine.
  • I recently went to a gathering for turtles... ..bit dull. None of us came out of our shell.

Ninja Turtle Jokes

Here is a list of funny ninja turtle jokes and even better ninja turtle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.
  • Why are the Ninja Turtles on the No-Fly list? Because they are members of an underground Splinter cell.
  • Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy? Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.
  • What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons? Those are the wrong Sais
  • Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles burn all their bank statements? Because they don't want to have a Shredder in the house.
  • What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries? Donutello
  • What do the ninja turtles like to put on their toasts? Donutella
  • What's a Ninja Turtle's favorite equation? A radical equation.
  • I got attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle I got Attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
    Ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask, so I couldn't Idenitfy him.
  • Why don't the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Turtle joke

Sea Turtle Jokes

Here is a list of funny sea turtle jokes and even better sea turtle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a blind sea turtle? A turtle
  • What do you call two beer drinkers arguing about sea turtles? Lager-heads at loggerheads about Loggerheads.
  • What do you call a blind sea turtle? A can't see turtle
  • That turtle just crawled out of the sea you see! I guess you could say it's a see-turtle!
  • What's a sea turtle's favorite food? Unrecycled plastic.
  • Surgeons remove 915 coins swallowed by Thai sea turtle They continue to monitor his Stool and see no change.
  • What do Sea Turtles and l**... have in common ? They both choke on plastic.

Snapping Turtle Jokes

Here is a list of funny snapping turtle jokes and even better snapping turtle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a reptile that goes to a poetry slam? A snapping turtle.
  • What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone? a Snapping Turtle
  • I just realized what Mitch McConnell's spirit animal It's a obese snapping turtle
  • Why did the turtle snap at the diver? He was under a lot of pressure
  • What do you call a timid person that uses Snapchat? A snapping turtle!
Turtle joke, What do you call a timid person that uses Snapchat?

Cheeky Turtle Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about turtle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean torch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make turtle pranks.

Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A turtle walks into a bar

He says to the bartender 'I'd like a glass of water' The bartender gives,him the glass and the turtle goes out of the bar. That situation repeats 3 times and then the bartender thinks to himself 'I'll ask the turtle why does he need so much water'. The turtle comes in and again asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks him 'Why do you need so much water?' To what the turtle responds 'Cut the talking, there's a forest fire outside!'

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

because turtles have such small ears

Sometimes I think I have ADD, if I try to……

Turtle.

What do you call a turtle with an e**...?

A slow poke!

A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"

Two lorry's crashed into each other, one containing terrapins the other containing tortoises...

It was a turtle disaster.

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.

What does a Jewish turtle say when it first meets someone?

SHELLom

How did the turtle cross the freeway?

I'll give you a hint: take the "F" out of "Free" and the "F" out of "way".

Today a truck full or terrapins tragically crashed into a lorry full of tortoises.

It was a turtle disaster.

How does a turtle grate cheese?

Shredder

I saw a turtle during a thunderstorm

You could say he was shellshocked

What did the Alligator say to the turtle?

Can I bayou a drink?

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.)

If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

My 12 year old son is already trying to be a dad

He gave me three jokes:
Q: Why couldn't Sam go on the swing set at school?
A: Because he's a turtle.
Q: Why couldn't Sally go on the swing set at school?
A: Because she doesn't have any arms.
Knock knock
(Who's there?)
Well, obviously not Sally!

A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?

Exactly where you left it.

A guy goes to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend on his back....

When asked what he has come as he tells everyone, "I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle of course"
"What's that on your back then???"
"Oh, that's Michele he replies"

What did the snail say when he rode a turtle?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
I'll see myself out.

A mugged turtle..

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I don't know. It all happened so fast.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

My friend was r**... by a teenager mutant ninja turtle.

He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.

My uncle died from a turtle stampede.

It was a slow death.

How did the turtle call his friends?

...on his shellphone

Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing?

Rigor tortoise.

One I made up.....

What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle?
A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.

Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. .

The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.

What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?

Nocturtle

All of the animals went on a picnic and they discovered they forgot the salt. The animals sent the turtle to get them the salt. After 3 days of waiting, the animals decided to start eating

And then the turtle jumps from the bush and says:"Aha! I knew you wouldn't wait for me"

Did you hear about the shy m**... turtle?

he really came out of his shell

At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could.

A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."

I had a teacher called Mr Turtle.

He tortoise.

Why can't Mario get a tinder date?

His profile picture was him killing a turtle.

A turtle got mugged by a gang of snails...

In the aftermath the police officer asked the turtle for details.
Trembling, the turtle mutters, "I... I don't know. It all just... happened so fast!"

Why are turtles so sad?

They have to live a long time.

A woman walks into a costume party, dressed as a turtle.

As part of the costume, another woman was painted green ND attached to her back.
At the party, someone asked the woman "Who's that on you're back?"
To which they responded "That's Michelle".

I have a famous turtle. Guess what it's called?

Shellebrity.

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...

When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."

A turtle walks into a bar

He asks for a drink but the bartender refuses to serve him and throws him out, one week later the turtle walks back to the bar
and asks the bartender ''but why?''

We always called our teacher Turtle

Because he Tortoise (Taught us).
Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.

My favourite teacher was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

A lorry carrying a load of tortoises crashed though a railway crossing into a train full of terrapins .

What a turtle disaster .

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

A n**... lady enters the costume party behind the turtle

She has nothing but a monkey covering her p**... area.
The host takes one puzzled look.
"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"
"I'm an Italian boy!"
"What's with the monkey?"
"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"

What do you call a mix between a turtle and a porcupine?

A slow poke

A turtle walks into a bar...

...actually, it was supposed to be a rabbit, but lack of a neutral net forced a last minute script change.

Turtles are very efficient animals...

they come pre-packaged!

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, Hey man, what are you supposed to be?
He replies, Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle.
His friends respond, A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?
The man replies, Oh that's just Michelle.

Everyone calling Mitch McConnell a turtle really needs to stop...

Turtles are intelligent creatures

Donald Trump was admiring the Sistine chapel

Trump : this is the bestest painting I've ever seen
Docent : yes indeed Mr. President , it was painted by Michaelangelo ..
Trump : I know the fake news media makes me look like an idiot but I'm not foolish to believe that it was painted by a freaking turtle

How many turtles does it take to screw in a light bulb

At least 2 but the trick is getting them in there in the first place

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

A man walks into a costume party

Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.
A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"
"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.
"And who is this on your back?"
"Oh, that's just Michelle."
(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,
"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"
The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,
"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

What's Steve Job's favorite animal part?

Turtle necks

A snail was mugged by a turtle.

When the police asked him to describe the attacker, he said:
"I couldn't tell! It happened so fast!"

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

Went to a fancy dress party dressed as a turtle with a friend on my back....

Someone asked "who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle" I replied.

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

I crashed into a truck full of terrapins earlier

Turtle disaster

What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?

A TORtoise

An elephant was drinking from a river...

When he noticed a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled up over and kicked it clear across the river.
'What did you do that for?' Asked a passing wombat.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a n**... out of my trunk 53 years ago'
'What a memory!!' Says the wombat.
'Yes,' said the elephant, 'turtle recall'

An elephant is drinking out of a river

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
"Why did you do that?" Asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a n**... out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory." Says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another g**... her back

I asked who's the other girl
She said...
Michelle

Turtle joke, I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another g**.

jokes about turtle