Turtle Jokes

Following is our collection of slowpoke puns and turdle one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Turtle jokes for adults, dirty shellfies jokes and clean hare dad gags for kids.

The Best Turtle Puns

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

"I'm a turtle", he says.

"Oh... who's on your back?"

"That's Michelle", he replies.

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, Hey man, what are you supposed to be?
He replies, Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle.
His friends respond, A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?
The man replies, Oh that's just Michelle.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle.

He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.


A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I don't know. It all happened so fast.

Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

My 5 year old told me this.

What did the snail say while on top of a turtle? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

-A slow poke.

A nude lady enters the costume party behind the turtle

She has nothing but a monkey covering her pubic area.

The host takes one puzzled look.

"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"

"I'm an Italian boy!"

"What's with the monkey?"

"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"


A mugged turtle..

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I don't know. It all happened so fast.

A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"

A man walks into a costume party

Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.

A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"

"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.

"And who is this on your back?"

"Oh, that's just Michelle."

(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)

I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.

What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle?

A slow poke.

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked who's the other girl

She said...

Michelle

Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?

A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa


How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins.

What a turtle disaster.

An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...

When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"

The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."

The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"

"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?

A clitortise

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?

A slow poke

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

A turtle walks into a bar

He says to the bartender 'I'd like a glass of water' The bartender gives,him the glass and the turtle goes out of the bar. That situation repeats 3 times and then the bartender thinks to himself 'I'll ask the turtle why does he need so much water'. The turtle comes in and again asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks him 'Why do you need so much water?' To what the turtle responds 'Cut the talking, there's a forest fire outside!'

What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night?

Nocturtle

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery?

Dura-Shell

Two turtles had a collision at an intersection. .

The only witness was a snail. When interviewed by police the snail explained he didnt see anything as it all happened so fast.

What do you say to the teenage mutant ninja turtle Raphael when he is holding a miniature version of his weapons?

Those are the wrong Sais

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

What do you call a mix between a turtle and a porcupine?

A slow poke

At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could.

A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.)

If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

What do you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke!

I saw a turtle during a thunderstorm

You could say he was shellshocked

[NSFW] How did the turtle finally lose his virginity?

He came out of his shell.

[NSFW] What do you call a female turtle?

A clitortoise!

Donald Trump was admiring the Sistine chapel

Trump : this is the bestest painting I've ever seen

Docent : yes indeed Mr. President , it was painted by Michaelangelo ..

Trump : I know the fake news media makes me look like an idiot but I'm not foolish to believe that it was painted by a freaking turtle

I have the world's most frustrated pet

My turtle likes to chase cars.

What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?

He went to the Shell station.

What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell?

Ereptile dysfunction

What does a Jewish turtle say when it first meets someone?

SHELLom

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

My favourite teacher was a turtle.

I remember everything he tortoise.

I had a teacher called Mr Turtle.

He tortoise.

What did the snail say when he rode a turtle?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

I'll see myself out.

A turtle walked in a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out.

It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me!

An elephant was drinking from a river...

When he noticed a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled up over and kicked it clear across the river.
'What did you do that for?' Asked a passing wombat.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago'
'What a memory!!' Says the wombat.
'Yes,' said the elephant, 'turtle recall'

Why did the turtle go to AT&T

because he couldn't sprint

A turtle got mugged by a gang of snails...

In the aftermath the police officer asked the turtle for details.
Trembling, the turtle mutters, "I... I don't know. It all just... happened so fast!"

I want to try translating a Finnish joke to English and see if it works.

What is the animal that steals license plates?
- A turtle.

What do you call a ninja turtle with an addiction to pastries?

Donutello

How do turtles communicate?

With shell phones.

Did you hear about the shy masturbating turtle?

he really came out of his shell

All of the animals went on a picnic and they discovered they forgot the salt. The animals sent the turtle to get them the salt. After 3 days of waiting, the animals decided to start eating

And then the turtle jumps from the bush and says:"Aha! I knew you wouldn't wait for me"

Sometimes I think I have ADD, if I try to……

Turtle.

A turtle walks into a bar...

...actually, it was supposed to be a rabbit, but lack of a neutral net forced a last minute script change.

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.

Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...

"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

Why can't Mario get a tinder date?

His profile picture was him killing a turtle.

What did the Alligator say to the turtle?

Can I bayou a drink?

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

because turtles have such small ears

I crashed into a truck full of terrapins earlier

Turtle disaster

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."

We always called our teacher Turtle

Because he Tortoise (Taught us).


Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.

What do you call a turtle that's only awake at night?

A noc-turtle

Everyone calling Mitch McConnell a turtle really needs to stop...

Turtles are intelligent creatures

Why are turtles so sad?

They have to live a long time.

Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing?

Rigor tortoise.

My 12 year old son is already trying to be a dad

He gave me three jokes:

Q: Why couldn't Sam go on the swing set at school?

A: Because he's a turtle.

Q: Why couldn't Sally go on the swing set at school?

A: Because she doesn't have any arms.

Knock knock

(Who's there?)

Well, obviously not Sally!

There is an abundance of seashell jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 75 funniest jokes and turtle puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any slug witze you can hear about turtle.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes