turtle Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious turtle puns

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and say, Hey man, what are you supposed to be?
He replies, Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle.
His friends respond, A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?
The man replies, Oh that's just Michelle.

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My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

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What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.

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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

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What does a pedophile and a turtle have in common?

They both wanna get there before the hare does.

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Man goes to a Halloween party in nothing but his underwear and a woman strapped to his back.

His friend sees him and says, "Hey, what are you meant to be?"

"Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle" he replies

His friend responds, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"

The man replies, "oh, that's just Michelle"

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A man goes to a halloween party...

...in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back.

His friends see him and ask,

"Hey man, what are you meant to be?"
He replies, "I'm a turtle."
His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's just Michelle."

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My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle.

He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.

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A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

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A man goes to a dress up party with a woman tied to his back.

Someones asks him "why the hell is there a woman tied to your back?

The man replies "I'm suppose to be a turtle... this is Michelle".

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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" the confused host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a load of rubbish!" the host says. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

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Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

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My 5 year old told me this.

What did the snail say while on top of a turtle? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

-A slow poke.

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A nude lady enters the costume party behind the turtle

She has nothing but a monkey covering her pubic area.

The host takes one puzzled look.

"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"

"I'm an Italian boy!"

"What's with the monkey?"

"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"

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A mugged turtle..

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I don't know. It all happened so fast.

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A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"

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A man walks into a costume party

Wearing nothing but underwear, and with a girl wrapped to his back with silver tape.

A friend of his welcomes him and asks "So... What are you dressed as?"

"I'm a turtle", answers the guy.

"And who is this on your back?"

"Oh, that's just Michelle."

(Probably a repost, I know, but the joke is just too good)

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I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer explained as best he could, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that's a 'post turtle.'

The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there to begin with."

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A bear and a rabbit were walking through the forest

All of a sudden they come across a golden turtle. The turtle looks at them and explains that today is their lucky day because he happens to be a magical golden turtle and is going to grant each of them three wishes. The bear, who is a horny fucker, goes first and wishes they he was the only male bear left in the forest. He's going to be a very busy bear come springtime. The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. It comes with holes for his ears. For his second wish the bear, who is also a bit paranoid, wishes all the bears in the next forest were female too. The rabbit then wishes for a rabbit sized motorcycle. For his final wish the bear wishes that all the bears the world, except him, were female. The rabbit looks at bear, revs his motorcycle and wishes that the bear was gay.

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A turtle is sitting on the side of the road.

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road when a chicken hops up to him.
"Whatcha doin?" asks the chicken.
"My buddy's on the other side there, flipped on his back by some hooligans, and I'm waiting for a big enough break in traffic so I can get over there and help him."
"Why, I'd be happy to do that for you," replies the chicken.
"Why would you do such a nice thing for me?"
The chicken is deep in thought for a while and finally says, "I have absolutely no idea."

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A turtle is crossing the road....

when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies "I don't know...it all happened so fast!"

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Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

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What do you call a porcupine riding a turtle?

A slow poke.

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Once there were three turtles decided to go on a picnic.

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

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How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

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A turtle was walking down an alley in New York

when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied I don't know, it all happened so fast.

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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins.

What a turtle disaster.

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A little dirty joke

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards herΒ Β  grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

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A Turtle,Hippo, and Zebra are told to tell a joke to a Lion....

The Lion tells the three animals if he doesnt laugh at their jokes then he will kill them

The Turtle steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Turtle

The Hippo, nervous, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Hippo

The Zebra, completely scared to death, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion bursts into uncontrollable laughter

"Did you really find my joke funny?"

The Lion responds, "No, I just finally got the joke the Turtle told me."

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An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...

When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"

The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."

The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"

"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims
across the river and back".

"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the
water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two
men are standing there waiting.

Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle?".

The man replies - "what turtle"?

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After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup

No way! You'll start without me

Don't worry, we'll wait for you

I don't believe you

We promise not to start without you

Reluctantly, Junior leaves.

They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...

After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
I can't take it any longer!!! - and bites the sandwich

At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:

AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!

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What are the most funny Turtle jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Turtle? Well, here are the best Turtle dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Turtle pick up lines to share with friends.

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