Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Turns puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those
Turns out my parents weren't even related.
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
Turns out her sister had it all along...
Turns out it was just clique bait.
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
Alcohol IS a solution.
She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."
He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
I'll leave now.
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"
One turns to the other and asks, "*does this taste funny to you?*"
The other responds, "*no.*"
Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
You'll actually live long enough to get it.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
..and the old man turns to it and says:
"Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Turns out to be spam
Turns out it's consent.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...
"My mom just told me I'm adopted"
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..
Turns out her sister had it all along.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.
"The Impaler" was my favourite.
Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....
Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'
Turns out her sister had it the whole time!
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"
Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
Totally blew my mind
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do."
"Put new batteries in your hearing aids."
I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.
But turns out, it was tekken
So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"
Turns out they just needed a higher power.
One turns to the other and says: "You man the guns, I'll drive"
Turns out she was a Slovak.
Turns out they were firefighters.
Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."
... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.
Turns out she was just vacuuming.
A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)
The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.
Then one of them turns to the other and asks, Do you know how to drive this thing?
Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"
Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."
Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"
Turns out I have selfie-steam issues
Do you know how to drive this thing?
but it turns out it's a level 5 course
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
Turns out it was just a waist of money
Turns out the next day was a sadder day.
A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.
turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought
It's capsized.
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
The one deer turns to his friend and says "Man, I blew like 30 bucks in there."
…one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".
"If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..."
Turns out she meant together.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.