Hilarious Fun Turns Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
My boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: You're a waiter where did you get those
I couldn't join the k**... if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.
Turns out my parents weren't even related.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar
One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
A wife gets n**...
…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my s**... body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
two deer are leaving a gay bar
one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
Two priests are out driving one day..
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
So there was a stork carrying an old man..
..and the old man turns to it and says:
"Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...
Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?"
Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...
He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'
You can explore turns twist and turns reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean turns nods dad jokes. There are also turns puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One turns to the other and asks, "*does this taste funny to you?*"
The other responds, "*no.*"
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.
Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**......
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**.... Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"
Yet another r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**......
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**.... Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...
"My mom just told me I'm adopted"
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..
I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..
Turns out her sister had it all along.
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I'll leave now.
Two priests are out driving and get pulled over
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it
2 Trump Supporters go to heaven
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
It turns out vaccines cause cancer.
You'll actually live long enough to get it.
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....
Alcohol IS a solution.
If light travels faster than the speed of sound...
how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
A girl walks into a dry cleaner
She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
Husband takes his wife to a disco.
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"
Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...
Turns out to be spam
Found my wife's G Spot lastnight!
Turns out her sister had it the whole time!
I had to quit my vegetarian diet
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
When my grandpa died he f**... and we thought he was still alive...
...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.
Turns out it was just clique bait.
Which is more important to women, length or girth?
Turns out it's consent.
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the g**....
Turns out her sister had it all along...
A girl and guy are laying in bed after s**...
She turns to him and says,
"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."
He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"
She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.
"The Impaler" was my favourite.
Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....
Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.
His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.
One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."
I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox
But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable
The day my daughter turns 18, I'm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
Well, I guess now you really are… independent".
A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.
The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.
The light signals back, I'm a s**... First Class. You must change your course, sir.
Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.
The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.
A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man stammered, "Yes."
Bang! The robber shoots him.
He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"
A drunk man
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...
He turns to his crewmate and says:
"d**..., I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars
Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle
Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent f**..., what should I do?"
Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."
It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.
I was also disappointed by BBC news.
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called 'Sound of Wasps'.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn't sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I'd been playing the Bee side.
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...
Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.
Speaking of a big fat b**...!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week.
Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.
One turns to the other and asks Have you read Marx? The second replies yes, it's these d**... wicker chairs!
My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother
Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.
Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
An assassin is running towards Trump
His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts Mickey Mouse . This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.
Trump turns to his bodyguard and says Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse The bodyguard replies Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.
We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,
but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
A young woman was standing outside her car weeping. A soldier walks up and asks what the problem is.
It turns out she's locked her keys in the car.
"Simple," says the soldier and drops his trousers, takes them off, rolls them into a ball and rubs them on the door.
The door pops open.
"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the young woman.
"Easy," says the soldier, "These are my khakis."
The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.
Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...
... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and e**... vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.
Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: Is this Whiskey?
Elmer says: Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!
A kid is selling lemonade…
The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.
Turns out those were just stereotypes.
A man runs home from work
The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.
The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!
Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in the dark!"
The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.
In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.
Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service
Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.
Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says I used to date that guy before I met you
Bill laughs and laughs and says wow, imagine where you'd be if you would've married that guy!
Hillary looks back at Bill and says I'd be married to the President of the United States
~ Courtesy of my father
A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.
He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.
About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.
"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"
"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies.
The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari."
Disclaimer: I did not make up this joke although I wish I had.
A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.
The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are a**...!"
A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an a**...."
I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did.
Turns out they were a full grown adult!
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says:
"Blublublublublublublub!"
I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.
Turns out he's navajo.
I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.
Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.
Three men stand before a judge.
What crime did you commit? He asks the first one.
I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, he replies.
That doesn't sound so bad. the judge says in confusion before addressing the second man, What crime did you commit?
I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, the second man replies.
Again that doesn't sound so bad, the judge says, his confusion building. He turns to the third man, What crime did you commit?
The third man steps forward and says, Well, my name is Peanuts….
Did you hear about the buffalo fossil excavation where they found partially digested mail bags in their stomachs?
It turns out they were stamp eating across the Midwest.
A bank teller decides to leave his job to go back to college for an education in chemistry.
Turns out he had a compound interest.
A heist goes wrong and the hostages are on the verge of being executed.
The nervous gunman makes some small talk with the hostages and asks a woman her name.
"Martha." she replies. The gunman is taken aback, and says "Martha.. that was my mother's name. I can't kill you. Go, run to the exit and don't look back."
After the woman is rescued by the police outside, he turns to a man and asks him his name.
"Martha." he replies.
