Turning Jokes

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

Mothman

So a man is out late at night, walking to his doctors office. He gets there and knocks on the door. The doctor comes out and asks the man why he came so late. The man responds by saying:
''Doc, i'm sorry to be bothering you at such a late hour, but I think that I may be turning into a moth!"
"A moth! You don't need to see me, you need to see a psychiatrist!" says the doctor
"Well, I was on my way, but I noticed that your light was on!"

Turning 40

When my best friend turned 40, I sent him a CD in the mail: UB40.
2 months later, on my 40th, I received a CD in the mail from him: U2.

Some good advice on how to pick up girls

Bend at the knees and lift slowly. Avoid turning or twisting your body.

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38. It just looks 25.

Turning into stone

There were two boys taking a walk through the woods. They eventually cam upon a nice calm river. While they are enjoying the view they notice a woman standing in the n**..., bathing. Immediately after seeing her one of the boys runs back through the woods. The other boy chased him and when he catches up he asks,"Why did you run away from the river?" The boy replies,"My mom said that if I stare at n**... women I will turn into stone and I felt something getting hard!"

My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!
I got a B+

A Jewish man is turning 40 years old...

So his mother decides to send him 2 neckties. On his birthday, she calls him.
"Happy Birthday, son!" "Thanks, mom." Replies the man.
"Did you get the ties I sent you?" Asks his mother. "Yes," says the man, "in fact I'm wearing one right now." "So what's wrong with the other one?"

How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. That's a hardware problem
but have you tried turning it on and off again?

2 goats were found to have dyslexia after turning up to a toga party.

A cowboy walks into a saloon…

and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle.
The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, Hey, them's fightin' words!

What did 0 say to 1?

You're turning me on

Why are crime rates down in the US?

Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.

I was having trouble getting to sleep last night

After about an hour of tossing and turning, my wife rolled over, snuck her hand under the covers, and trailed it playfully down my chest.
"Want meeee to help you get to sleep", She whispered coyly into my ear.
"Yeah", I replied. "Tell me again how your day went".
Couch was comfy.

Q:Why Do Russian Students Always Turn in Their Homework Late?

**A:Because, all they ever learn about is Stalin.**
Q: What did the student's get as a result of never turning in their homework on time?
**A: Bad Marx.**

Studies show that a lot of women turn into good drivers

So If you're a good driver, look out for women turning

The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

that tweekers are turning their crystal m**... back into Sudafed.

My dad said something earlier that gave me chills.

He said, "I'm turning off the heating."

I found a new way to stop my girlfriend from picking up bad habits or doing anything that annoys me, I just have to say..

..."this is turning me on"

God's race

One day a black kid and a white kid were debating whether god was black or white. Their debate was turning heated when suddenly the heavens opened and a booming voice and God said "I am what I am!"
Upon hearing this, the black kid gave up his argument and agreed that God is white. The white kid was puzzled and asked the black kid why he changed his mind. The black kid said, "God just said 'I am what I am' if he was black he would've said 'I is what I is'"

My wife and I were stuck in traffic.

She said, "I'm turning round."
"I can see that," I replied. "Try eating less chocolate."

A lot of women turn into great drivers...

So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning.

Why are IT professionals bad at being therapists?

Patient: I just have too many problems in my life.
IT professional: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up.

After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

"thirty-second birthday."

I broke my phone recently.

I threw it out the window after turning on airplane mode. Worst transformer ever.

A woman is looking at herself in the mirror

"Ugh I look so old! My skin is sagging, my hair is turning gray, I've got crows feet..."
Her husband says, "well, at least your eyesight is intact."

Turning 30 was a lot sexier in Roman times

x**...

How do you solve climate change?

Convince Republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

How to solve Global Warming:

Convince republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

A butterfly climbs out of its chrysalis...

...and says, "Oh my god, I'm turning into my mother!"

Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea

He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business

I know women like to be mysterious...

But turning signals are for safty purposes..

My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones.

It's saucery.

Most women are turning into good drivers..

So, watch out for turning women!!!
Note: Heard it somewhere.. Just sharing for a laugh.

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.

My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"

It's your sixty second birthday.

Duct tape;

turning "no-no-no" into "mm-mm-mm" since 1942.

How do you fix a government....?

Try turning them off and then on again...

My government isn't working

Phone Agent: Okay, have you tried turning it off and then back on?
Schumer: It didn't work

There's been a local bloke called Carl going around breaking into people's houses for months...

The Police couldn't catch him. The weird thing is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in them and turning them on!
Anyway, just heard that he was found dead in an alleyway because of a drug overdose... now it's never nice hearing of a death but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone

What do you call the path of a truck turning 180 degrees?

A semi-circle.

A man walks into his doctors

The man says "doctor help me I think I might be turning into a horse"
The doctor says "well have you had any symptoms"
The man says "neigh"

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful n**... woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!

My brother is turning 32 tomorrow, so I told him not to get his hopes up.

When he asked why, I replied:
"Well, it'll be pretty short. It is your thirty-second birthday after all."

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....

It's my thirty second birthday...

A t**... is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:
"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

The s**... position reverse c**... has been outlawed in West Virginia.

They claim turning your back on family is very insulting.

My Girlfriend is turning 32 soon.

I told her not to get her hopes up.
After all, I say, we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.
She seemed upset and demanded to know why i would do that to her.
I calmly pointed out,
This is your thirty-second birthday...

I went to the doctor because my t**... were turning a greenish-brown color

He said I have Hazelnuts.

Three nuns die in a car c**..., when they get to heaven, the angel says they have to answer a question to get in

So the angel asks the first nun
Who was the first man?
And the nun replies, Adam
The angel allows her in and turns to the second nun
Who was the first woman?
The second nun answers Eve
Correct, in you go replies the angel
Then turning to the third nun the angel asks
I'm afraid this question is rather difficult. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?
The third nun thinking says Oh, that's a hard one
Yes, you're in. Replies the angel.

She's n**....

A taxi driver spot a girl hailing for a cab outside a nightclub. She was completely n**.... He stopped and she went into the taxi.
Throughout the drive, the girl noticed that the driver kept looking at her with the front mirror. "Hey man, never see a hot n**... girl before huh? Why don't you keep your eyes on the road", she said.
Then, the driver stopped driving before turning around and stare at her intensely.
"Nah, I'm just wondering where you keep the money for my cab, b**...!"

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

What did the Australian say after turning 8?

Hiya mate!

Turning back the clock an hour in 2020

Is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

Did you hear that Rudy Giuliani has proof of fake ballots and fraud? He says he found a whole stack of 'em.

Yeah, and he's going to be turning them in soon. He just finished printing them, and is waiting for the ink to dry.

One minute you're young and fun...

The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

The Exorcist star Linda Blair turns 62 today and still looks amazing

She is still turning heads.
(Heard this one on the radio this morning.)

Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees

Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks
\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
\- Guess I'm swimming then...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."

Three drunk men entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, and they didn't give him the destination they wanted so he decided not to drive but instead he wanted to play a trick on them by turning on the engine and staying there for a moment.
A while after doing so, the taxi driver turned the engine off and told the three drunk men they arrived.
The first man handed the driver a handful of pennies as he exited.
The second man gave the driver a $20 bill and said "Thanks".
The third man did not pay the driver, he gave him a little punch on the arm and said, "Don't speed, you almost had us killed."

What do men and Excel have in common?

They're always automatically turning things into dates when they're not.

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs.
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs turning back flips?
Still no flipping eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, turning back flips next to his friend the giraffe?
Still no flipping eye deer a tall mate!

I recently bought a female Horse that I was hoping to ride daily, but she only sleeps during the day.

She's turning out to be such a Nightmare.

I was wondering why Disney/Pixar's new movie Turning Red takes place in 2002, then I realized...

It's a period piece.

Tonight my kids read the bible story about Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt.

I told them, "It's okay, I'm sure she's cured by now."

A man went to doctor as his legs were getting blue

A man goes to a doctor and tells him that his legs are slowly turning blue
Doctor checks his leg and tells him that his legs have came in contact with something poisonous and should be cut off else it will spread in his whole body.
Doctors then chop off his legs and he goes back to his home.
The next visit he returns back with prostectic legs and tells - "Doctor! my legs still are getting blue!"
Doctor looks closely and tells "Ahhh!! My bad, nothing to worry. It's just the color from your pants"

Want to s**... frustrate an IT worker?

Have you tried turning them off, then on again?

The Cheerios

Twins, Johnny and Billy are turning 13 next week and so they were discussing growing up.
Since we are gonna be grown up now we should be able to curse
Johnny says Ok Billy you say s**... and I'll say a**....
So they head downstairs for breakfast ready for the day.
Their Mom asks what would you like for breakfast Boys?
Billy says aww s**..., I'll just have some cheerios.
Momma scoops Billy straight up spanks him and sends him to timeout.
When she comes back still flustered and asks Johnny and what about you?
I don't know what I want but you can bet your a**... it isn't Cheerios

Information

Is your mother home? the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is; but this ain't where I live.

"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!"

"That's alarming!"

Mom, Why is your hair turning grey?

There was once a naughty little girl who was always getting in trouble and she asked her mother one day "Mom, why is your hair turning grey?" And her mother replied "Every time you do something bad, I get another grey hair." The girl got a puzzled look on her face. A moment later, the girl starts chuckling. "What's so funny my dear?" her mother asks to which her daughter replied, "Thinking of Grandma's hair made me realize that you must have been a really bad girl!"