Turning Fifty Jokes

14 turning fifty jokes and hilarious turning fifty puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about turning fifty that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Turning Fifty Short Jokes

Short turning fifty jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The turning fifty humour may include short turning 50 jokes also.

  1. I turned on the TV, and it was static My wife asked me, "what's that noise?" I said "fifty shades of gray"
  2. Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Bill Cosby walk into a bar. Karen Straughan turns to Anita Sarkeesian and says, "I got fifty bucks says the black one goes to jail first."
  3. Why does Bruce Banner have Fifty Shades of Grey on his iPhone? Because he needs something to get him angry enough to turn him into the Hulk on short notice.
  4. Three things to remember Three things to remember when after you turn fifty
    1 never trust a fat
    2 pick every chance you get
    3 never waste a hard on even if you are by yourself.

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Hilarious Turning Fifty Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about turning fifty you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turning 40 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make turning fifty pranks.

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

Plane Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Morris and Esther went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was spoken. He did all his tricks over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "My, my, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Three racehorses were standing in a field.

One says, you know, I've won ten races in my life.
And I've won twenty races! Brags the second horse.
The third horse is much older then them both. He says, That's nothing! I've won fifty races!
Suddenly they all hear laughing, and they turn their heads to see a greyhound trotting through the field.
Amateurs! The dog laughs. I've been in a thousand races, and I've won all of them!
The horses are all shocked. As the dog strolls past them, they stare in silence. Then the old horse says, Holy s**...! a talking dog!

A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty.

What happens when I turn fifty? the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.

Oh, nothing, said the fortuneteller. You'll just be used to it by then.

There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance.

There is a group of protestors chanting about fat acceptance. A married couple watched from a bench.
The husband told his wife, "it looks like there's fifty protestors over there!"
"I only counted ten." responded his wife.
The husband turned back to her, "I said it *looks* like fifty."

What did Lorde say to her sister when, seven minutes and fifty-five seconds into watching Pulp Fiction, they were kidnapped by an evil warlock who said that he would turn them into the last food they heard someone else talk about, and she asked Lorde for reassurance that everything would be okay?

"We will never be Royales."

Two old, drunk friends are in a bar reminiscing about their love life...

Pete: "John when I was 20, and ready to make love, mine was as hard as an iron rod, it was impossible to bend it."
John replies: "Yeah, me too. It was impossible to bend, but when I turned 30 I could bend it a little bit."
Pete: "True, when I turned 40 I could bend it more than a little bit"
John:"Yeah...same here... in my fifties I could actually bend it quite a lot."
Pete:"Me too, but in my sixties I could almost bend it in half."
"same with me" John replies and takes a sip of his beer "..... Pete... how strong do you think we are going to get?"

Army Captains Are Funny

A new Army Captain is assigned to an outfit in a remote post located in the Afghan desert.
During his first inspection he noticed a camel hitch up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was there. Nervously, the Sergeant replied, sir, as you know, there are two hundred and fifty men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges, that's why we have the camel."
"I can't say I condone this, but I understand their urges. The camel can stay", the Captain conceded.
One month passes and the Captain starts having 'urges' of his own. Crazed with desire, he tells the Sergeant to bring the camel over to his tent. Setting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain climbs and has wild, passionate s**... with the camel.
When he finishes, he turns to the Sergeant and asks, "is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

A man and woman have been married for fifty years

However, both find that they are struggling to remember things like the used to, so they decide to go to the doctor's. He sees them separately and tells them that they both have Alzheimer's. They are understandably upset by this news, but the husband turns to his wife and says "look, we are no different than yesterday! Tell you what, it is supposed to be lovely weather tomorrow, we will go to the beach like we used to."
She agrees and off they go the next day. They have a lovely time sunbathing, then the wife decides she wants an ice cream. The husband agrees and gets ready to get up when she says "wait, don't you want me to write it down for you so you don't forget?"
He replies "I'm not an idiot, I'm capable of remembering two ice creams!"
"Are you sure? I want nuts and sauces..."
"No," he said, "it is fine. I will see you soon." So he leaves.
The man is gone for hours and his wife is getting deeply concerned when he finally shows up again, two burgers in hand. She sees this, shakes her head and says "oh you idiot, you forgot the chips!"

50 Shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to s**....
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there n**... and n**...
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.